Weeze me, Pleeze me!
*special introductory paragraph!
*The Good Life EP
*The Lion And The Witch EP
*Make Believe
*Christmas With Weezer EP
*Death to False Metal

Weezer has been pegged as a "nerd pop" band, but the problem with that classification is that this isn't NERD MUSIC, DAMMIT. This is power pop. Sounds like Cheap Trick - same happy Beatlesy riffs, loud guitars, songs about girls and pretty, often harmonized vocals. There's no nerdy keyboards like The Cars or geeky angular rhythms like Devo or dorky vocals like They Might Be Giants. This just sounds like normal guys in their 20's playing loud, heavy power pop! NEW CLASSIFICATION, PLEASE! Also, these guys have gotten tons of amazing press, but I'm still unclear on why that is so. To me, this is (ahem) BASIC POWER POP. Nothing special. Some catchy chord sequences here and there, and lots of pretty harmony vocals, but nothing that isn't derivative of a billion other bands. So what's the big deal? Has Matt Reyes just been writing for a bunch of different magazines under a bunch of different fake names?

Weezer - DGC 1994
Rating = 7

Ahhhh Weezer. One of my favorite Jeffersons characters. I always used to love it when George would come home from his successful Laundromat and shout "Weezer! Fix me some Whitey Stew! And no goddamn zebras! Aaaaaah HATES ZEBRAS! You muthafucka.cock..sucka!"

So imagine my supplies when I learned that Weezer had come out of retirement to become a bunch of young white guys playing really heavy power pop. First of all, am I crazy or is it impossible to listen to "The World Has Turned" without singing the lyrics to "Smells Like Teen Spirit"? The music isn't the same or anything - it's just the way he sings it. Drives me up the food chain. But let's talk about the album. Very warm fuzzy yet HEAVY guitar tones. Friendly vocals from nice neighborly young adults. Sugary Beatles/Cheap Trick-style chord progressions but played much less interestingly than either of those bands - mostly just simplistic barre chords and maybe a couple of notes on top. All midtempo - no Exploited-style hardcore or Cannibal Corpse-style death metal on here, for some reason. One letdown for me personally is that the two big hits "Say It Ain't So" and "Buddy Holly" are fantastic songs that sound like The Beach Boys! But the rest of the album doesn't SOUND like The Damn Beach Boys! Fuck!

This is the kind of band that simply IS. There is absolutely no reason to hate them; they're not oversaccharine, their heavy guitars are processed and smoothed over enough to not be painful to anybody'e ears, the vocal melodies are delightfully pleasant and memorable and the guys have good voices. Heck, even the "stupid words" are occasionally witty (track 2! Hee hee! Ho Ho!). But if you're looking for something special or new, you're not going to find it in Weezer. They don't pretend to be innovators of anything. They're simply taking a well-worn genre and adding their perfectly good songs to its long history. There's too many familiar chord progressions on here to keep me superexcited, but I always dig it while it's playing!

Oh wait, that was a typo. I meant to say "I always rip digits off of passersby while it's playing (as a licensed police officer, it's legal for me to do that)."

But enough from me. Let's hear what some of our usual commentators have to say!

Reader Comments

Tim Eimiller
You gave this a 7 and Quadrophenia a 6????? Who Are You gets a 6 and this gets a 7??? The Who Sell Out gets a 7 and this gets a 7??? Tommy gets a 9 and this gets a 7????? The Who Sell Out gets a 7 and this gets a 7?????

No no, I'm just asking to make sure. My eyes aren't that good.

Tommy Joyce
This band sucks. The only good bands are REM and Pearl Jam. If a band isn't REM or Pearl Jam, I don't even know why they bother forming. Because they're just going to suck. Everybody sucks. I suck.

Matt Reyes
I've never heard this band. Are they any good?

John Cable
These guys used to kick ass but then they cut their hair and now they're pussies. They should change their name to Weezternative.

Josh Cable
These guys used to tear but then they sold out and became fags. They should change their name to Alternaweezer.

The Real Reader Comments

glenn.lester@hope.edu (Glenn Lester)

Blue. I guess that describes it. The actual name is just boring old "Weezer", but since the color blue permates (is that a word?) throughout the artwork, I refer to it as simply "The Blue Album". But let us talk about the music.

The album starts out with a nice acoustic guitar playing a nice arpeggio for a couple of nice seconds, but then a big (but still nice) eletric distorted guitar comes and crashes a couple of power chords while frontman Rivers Cuomo claims that his first name is in fact Jonas. The rest of the song (and album) follows suit. Nice and not so nice instruments run around in the background and Rivers sings great melodies about girls, and other stuff.

Great songs float throughout this album, notably "Undone - The Sweater Song", "The World Has Turned and Left Me Here", "Say It Ain't So", and "Surf Wax America". Other cool things include the "Fast Times" inspired talking at the beginning of "The Sweater Song". Actually, that entire song is pretty much awesome. Who knew that three chords could have so much power? Well, that guy who wrote "Louie, Louie", for one. And the Clash. And "The Sweater Song" actually has six chords, so I guess that statement was not a good one. But get the album anyway. The only major complaint I have is the too-nice production (courtesy of Ric Ocasek, that tall guy from the Cars). But that's okay, I guess.

blppt@prodigy.net (Pat D.)
Weezer Weezer Weezer. I feel guilty about liking this album so much. Its SO unabashedly POP that it makes me feel like a sellout for even listening to it. But damn, there are a lot of catchy tunes on here.

Specifically "The World has turned and Left me here", "Holiday", and "In the Garage" are my favorites. The rest of the album, however, is all great. The only songs I don't like are "Buddy Holly", and "Only In Dreams" is a BIT too long for my taste.

Very consistant though, and an enjoyable listen. 9.

pmtapia@worldnet.att.net (The Chameleon)
I'm like Pat D. when it comes to this album. I feel like I should hate it with all my Danzig/Metallica/Slayer/Anthrax attitudes, but damnit.....this album is so damn fun. "The World has turned and Left Me Here" is one of the best songs on the album and "Undone: The Sweater Song"...oh man..just really fun stuff. They're catchy songs and not in an annoying way. An absolute wonderful listen. Other bands mostly take some getting used to, but this is one of the few albums I've had that when you first hear it, you gotta love it, and I've had it since 1994. I still dig this album.10 out of 10 for me on this one.

misterkite@mindspring.com (Adam Bruneau)
This is interesting. First I heard these guys playing Buddy Holly (as many of us have) and when I got the album, expecting that to be the only decent song, I was blown away! "My Name is Jonas","The World Has Turned", "Undone" and "Say It Ain't So" all have "HIT SINGLE" written all over them. These guys really know what they're doing. I give it a 10. It's really happy, noisy pop that is consistently entertaining and fun as hell! Of course, it's not really better than the White Album or The Who Sell Out, but what the hell. Wonder what else these guys have up their sleeves...

mburrus@zdnetmail.com (Michael Burrus)
The Best. It deserves a 10. All of the songs kick the shit out of other power-pop bands. And the production is brilliant in my opinion. The first time I heard "Buddy Holly" on the radio I walked straight to my local Nice Price Books and picked up a used copy. It's so poppy but it's got that grindy heavy guitar tone. When the two guitars kick in, I just have to crank it up full-blast. It's got the coolest vocal harmonies. Buy it if you haven't yet.

Otterspocket@ic24.net (Ryan O'Grady)
What a quality album, this band are definately not womp. Best track is say it ain't so, but i agree, they're all good. Only disappointment was when i found that the line "i've just made love to your sweet memory one thousand times in my hand" was actually "in my head." Ah well, nevermind. An 8. And why didn't they put 'Jamie' on this album??

seraphim7s@yahoo.com (Paul Walker)
I have never considered myself a pop-punk fan (and let's face it, that's what Weezer does best) but this is one hell of an enjoyable album! I agree with the 8, but even a 9 doesn't seem unreasonable. It's the self-concious geekiness (didn't that Rivers Cuomo go to Harvard?) that gives all those three chord numbers a sense of vulnerability, which I dig!

man this album ruled. I love this band to death, especially considering how much depressing stuff is around in the 90s (even though some of it is great). "Say it Aint So" has not been touched since it came out.

Hey, this is some catchy stuff! It's one of the best albums of the 90's in my opinion, actually. Everything is great. Forget about Buddy Holly and the Sweater Song. Those are the weakest tracks. Every song should have been a hit. Who cares if it's sugary? It beats half the other crap that came out in the 90's. This is one you can leave in your car CD player for weeks. I give it a 12/10.

I can't quite understand why everyone seems to adore this band so much. You take some Ramones riffs, slow them down, throw in lyrics that sound like Big Star in middle school, rip off the Feelies' Crazy Rhythms album cover, and you've got the new pop sensations? Oh wait, it must have been the cutesy video. Shouldn't work that way. Everyone told me how wonderful this record was, so I finally listened to it, and I liked maybe three cuts..."Buddy Holly" has some crunchy riffing, "Surf Wax America" is kinda cool, and "Only In Dreams" is still impressive, like Television dumbed way down. The rest of it is just grating and massively overrated. ("Undone - The Sweater Song" is a particular offender.) Take away their sweaters, their horn-rims, and their videos, and what have you got? A lowly 4.

I really like this album. Not as much as the preceding one but its still great. I agree it is a bit overrated still though, but i enjoy it a lot. I mostly like "Surf Wax America", "In The Garage", "Buddy Holly" (this one used to be wayyy overplayed), and "Only In Dreams" would be great if not for it being 8+ minutes long. Ohh, "Holiday" is nice, especially the falsetto in the middle. Overall i give this a high 8.

oneofakind151@hotmail.com (John Sieber)
Mark, I've been reading this site since about mid-'99, back in my jaded Styx days. In that time, your love life has moved from girlfriend, to fiancee, now wife. How did you do it? Find a mate, I mean? Maybe it's the music ya listen to, eh? But that don't make sense - the girls should be flocking to me because I listen to Styx! Yeah right. And then I woke up. Naked in a gutter. In New Orleans next to a homeless guy. Who asked me if this reader comment had a purpose. Which it doesn't, except for reminding me how shitty my love life is. But at least there's one thing more shitty than my love life. Weezer.

Did you notice how my comment started out normal, then got really really fucked up, then had a point at the end? It's kinda like the Butters episode of South Park. Except in that instance, it was Bennigan's, not Weezer. Not Styx! TGI FUCKING FRIDAY!!!!!!

Mark, why don't girls like me?

Who you calling a psycho???!!
I have GOT to lay off the cough syrup.

Anyway, peace and love, yadda yadda. I'm going to put The Yes Album on now. Don't fucking come near here! Foreigners aren't welcome!

pd6941@albany.edu (Pat D.)

apesarefriends@yahoo.com (Colin Jaffe)
Ahh, The Blue Album. I'd give it a 7 or an 8, depending on my mood. I don't listen to it often, but when I do, I just shut my mind off and enjoy the ridiculously catchy songs. Shouts go out to all the usual songs, but unlike some people I very much enjoy the long end to "Only in Dreams". It holds my interest, anyway.

weezer is the frigging best band in the universe. every song off the blue album kicked. 95% of the their other stuff also kicks. anyone who says they dont like weezer is a fool. no one can dislike weezer. they get a 10+

only in dreams is a great album closer

soul_crusher77@hotmail.com (Mike K.)
I deliberately went for this one last because I knew it would be tough to comment on. Ok, actually I commented on all the other weezer albums in an entirely arbitrary order and it just happened that way, but I do sorta feel like the thing has been with me too long for me to give a really objective review. Much like your copy of that first bloodrock album, I've been listening to it for so long it could be crap and I wouldn't know it. Well not crap, nothing with say it ain't so and only in dreams on it could be crap, but I dunno, at least a couple dots-that-I-just-recently-figured-out-are-supposed-to-be-records lower than I think. There's definitely millions of more innovative records out there, but at this point in their career these guys really knew how to handle their pop melodies. Which they still kind of do, but now they're simpler and more formulaic melodies. Everything on this album gets in my head at one point or other, and now thanks to this review "the world has turned..." will stick in my head with the lyrics to smells like teen spirit. Also, that stuff like the acapella sections of "holiday" and "surfwax america", little melodic touches like that, those are the kind of things that make this album.

By the way, I think Weezer got the "dork rock" tag not because their music is particularly dorky, but because you can't put a picture of yourselves looking like the most boring rock band ever over a blue background on the cover of your first album and have a song that references twelve sided die and x-men characters and not get called a bunch of dorks. Oh, and the blue background thing isn't a ripoff of the feelies, but rather a crappy tape only beach boys compilation they found in a truckstop. They didn't know about the feelies thing till after it came out and people started bringing it up.

DPowel@mentorcorp.com (Daniel Powel)
Don't forget that almost every solo on this album is simply an instrumental version of the verse. Listen to it: boring. Rivers should give the solo work back to the other dude-at least the solo stuff on Pinkerton was interesting at points. Oh wait, his ego wouldn't let him (just Corgan's wouldn't let him edit).

Also, can the people writing the comments have so much to say about WEEZER? At least the dorks who write those long diatribes about Radiohead are talking about a band that something to say.

michielh@nl.demon.net (Michiel Heinecke)
Hell yeah, what a great debut album! Every song here's really catchy, how can you NOT like the guitar line on "undone", the middle part of "Surf wax America" and the awesome ending of "Only in dreams". I keep skipping "Buddy Holly" though, Its theyre most radio overplayed song ever. Im just tired of it, I mean the video was shipped with Window 95!!! How about that??? Bill Gates must be a fan. Hehe hence - Nerd Rock! But the album is just top notch, Rivers has a great voice too. There is a 2cd deluxe version of this albim out now - the second cd has b-sides! 9/10

some odd characters from popular (or not so popular) music!:

1.Joe the Lion - He appears in Bowie's excellent rendition of Fiddler on the Roof... or "Heroes". After telling people who they are he gets nailed to his car.........

2.Wicked Annabella - She's in the Kinks' Village Green Preservation Society, she eats small children.

3.Rockey Racoon - Is he really THAT odd? He's on the Beatles' "White Album".... is he Mormon?

4.Willie the Pimp - A little pimp with his hair gassed back, he's in Zappa's absolutely BRILLIANT Hot Rats album, on the song named.... well, Willie the Pimp.

5.The weirdest of 'em all............. Frankie Z - On Tom Waits' Vaudville-circus outing. Swordfishtrombones, ......... I've only heard the song twice.......... but he kills his family or something (I, sadly do not have Swordfishtrombones). He also is the theme of one of Tom's most overlooked albums, the excellent vaudvillian; Franks (yeah, no apostrophe) Wild Years. He's goin' straight to the top.

Wa-heezer! What is this? I know people who swear by these guys (whatever THAT means). I mean, it's really a fine debut album.......... but one of the absolute greatest albums of all time? Not on your life! Mark Prindle is right, sadly, Cheap Trick do the same thing.... but are better. EVERY Billy Joel album......... ok except for his complete crap, is better than this album. I'm not saying it sucks COMPLETELY.......... I'd give it a 6, that's 3 out 'o' 5. I'd give An Innocent Man and The Nylon Curtain........... 4.25 stars each. I can't bloody wait to get There's A Riot Goin' On!

Jesus Christ, Mark, even a 7 outta 10 is too much.

Add your thoughts?

Pinkerton - Geffen 1996
Rating = 7

Great first song! Different feel - slightly tougher, more clever guitar riff. Yeah! But it doesn't hold up and pretty soon it's the popular Men At Work LP Cargo for

But it doesn't hold up and pretty soon its business as usual for America's sweetest bunch of pop chart sensations since Tygers Of Pan Tang. The second song completely sounds like a song that one of those damn Archers of Loaf unknown local indie rock bands used to play back in the early 90s, but I can't remember which one. And that "moh-ooo-wo-ooo-wo-ooo-wo-ooo-wo" thing he does at the end of the first verse is so obnoxious I wanna grab Mr. Rivers "Phoenix" Cuomo by the shorthairs and run him up and down the flagpole a few times to see what sticks. Knowing him, he'd just keep coming back like a bad penny though.

Let's stop the roughage and cut to the chase. Although they've added a few more trinkets to their sound (track 7 features a hilariously sleazy guitar line and funny flyrics too! A keeper! - another one, "Pink Triangle" starts with a xylophone and has outrageously funny lyrics about accidentally falling in love with a lesbian! THESE ARE GREAT SONGS!), but unfortunately there are still three or four songs (out of a scant TEN - enjoy this 32-minute RIPOFF) that are a little bogged down in sappy old-style Green Day chord sequences. Come on - track 4? Are you kidding me? Sure, I love the line "I'd might as well keep wackin'" or whatever (Rivers is pretty fuckin funny when he wants to be), but that guitar line is like - I mean little kids pick up a guitar and play that one. It's like a joke, it's so predictable. And that acoustic song at the end about how he cheated on the girl? I feel no sympathy- (A) Don't cheat on people! (B) The music is boring! And track 6 - First of all, I know that this band has heard "Fire" by Bruce Springsteen. Secondly of all, I know that this band has heard "Santa Monica" by Everclear. Third of all, the rest of the song is boring too, even though I like it and often refer to it as "the best song ever written."

While we're on the subject of lyrics, am I nutso crazy or is track 5 (goodsong, by the way - "I've Got Your Letter, You've Got My Song" - cute!) about how much he wants to have sex with an 18-year-old fan? Sure, he resists, but did I hear a line in there about "I wonder how you touch yourself"? Finally! A "The Knack" for the nineties!

In re-reading this piece, I discovered the joys of the typo "flyrics." If possible, have this inserted into the next big Dictionary that comes out. Make the definition something like "Words to songs that flies sing on live international TV."

Ha ha! MAN, do I miss Sniglets!

Reader Comments

glenn.lester@hope.edu (Glenn Lester)

Yeah! This is it, Weezer's best album (out of two). Kind of a concept album, in the way of Pet Sounds. (you know, all the songs are about girls) But anyway, what a great album. 10 songs that all kick my pants off, burn them, and then smack me on my bare bottom forty or fifty times. And the production rules too. It's very raw and lots of distortion, etc etc etc.......

You got your metal-like opener "Tired of Sex", you got your metal-like 2nd song, "Getchoo", you got your poppy song "No Other One", and then stuff really gets good. "Why Bother?", a punk rock (kinda-not really)pop song with funny lyrics. That's another cool thing about the Weez. In serious songs, that describe painful personal relationships, Rivers will throw in some funny adverbs or something to lessen the pain. "Across the Sea" is the 5th song, and a perfect pop song. It's very good, you should hear it. "The Good Life" kinda sounds like that Everclear song, but it's still pretty good. "El Scorcho" was the single from this album, and it's very catchy. I'm gonna listen to it right now. Then there's "Pink Triangle", which every music mag critic feels obligated to quote, but I'm not even gonna talk about it. Actually, I am, it's a cool song, but I'm not gonna quote it. "Falling for you" is a very super-awesome rockin' killer song song. Yeah. The last song supposedly sounds like Big Star, but I've never heard Big Star, so I wouldn't know. It's called "Butterfly". It's acoustic. Yeah, and Rivers's voice cracks! Right in the middle of the song! But it's such a pretty song. Did you know that in the "Ninja Turtles" movie, this one kid has a Sid Vicious shirt on? yup.

More stuff: good artwork, and the reason Pinkerton doesn't get a 10, is that does it really deserve to be up there with Zen Arcade, White Album, etc? Maybe it does...... good record.

kme@deskmail.com (Kevin E.)
I cannot speak for the lasting power of Weezer in a positive light; they fell under the "another band" category out of the starting gate. But Pinkerton is definitely a good, creative record; a really nice amalgam of punk, soft, and progressive rock sensibility. From the piano noodling and lone clarinet that open "Across The Sea" to the closing chord of "Butterfly", the album is homogeneously entertaining. The "tribute" tracks that are one through four are those numbers that prevent the album from attaining even the lower tiers of excellence. But a good radio-ready modern rock album is a rare breed and, for the sake of ambition, this is a release that's very easy to recommend. In ten years this album will be a citizen of cut-out bins but, while power-pop is still marginally acceptable, this is one of only a handful of interesting records burning up the shoe-gazer's shelves.

n9345437@cc.wwu.edu (JW)
(Referring to Glenn Lester's comment) Wow, man. Gotta disagree with ya. Though I treat Weezer's first CD as if it were my nation's flag, the second one was somewhat of a disappointment. Yeah, it got a little play time with one halfway decent song on the radio, but for the most part, I think whatever produced that first album must have gone the way of Mcdonald's soft ice cream. Sorry-just couldn't let that one go. I changed my mind. after some intense listening, i have decided that the 1st Weezer album is in fact far superior to the second. So, if you're reading this, pretend that i gave Weezer 9 stars, and Pinkerton 8. Because, song for song, the first album kicks the 2nd's butt. the 2nd, in retrospect, seems pretty uneven and a few songs are kind of half-baked. Like "No Other One", and "Getchoo". But the last four are still awesome. I guess, at the time, i really liked Pinkerton becuase of the lyrics and production... i don't know... see yuh......

In terms of depth, I have to agree with glenn's first ruling. Pinkerton is so much better. I mean they aer still kind of misogynistic, but at least Rivers's masochism on the second album kind of balances it out. I guess I should confess I have listened to this album at least once every three days for maybe the last three months. I've only recently gotten tired of it... the second track on the first album makes me mad, and when he yells "I'm ready let's do it baby" I want to smash something. But otherwise, they're both good albums. The only way I'll forget them is if I forget my adolescence.

Weezer is, without a doubt, the most overrated band of the last decade. Hands down. No question. So there.

misterkite@mindspring.com (Adam Bruneau)
I don't really know why, but it took me years and years to simply plop down the green for this little slice of plastic. And wee doggie! This is one fine album! The first day I had it (which was yesterday), I listened to it with caution, kind of hoping that it wouldn't really be as bad as I thought it might. I mean the first album was just so perfect...could they really do it again? Well, the answer is yes, but in a different way. This is Weezer rawking out, kicking it in through some characteristically flawless pop songs, but injecting them with even more of an edge than before. The drums sound nice and live (sort of like The Pixies' "Surfer Rosa") and everything is crisp, crunchy, and noisy. I personally really like "No Other One" but I think by far and away the best moment on the album is "El Scorcho". At long last....we get to hear Weezer play punk muzik!

Although no album will ever come close to the Blue album ( Rage does kick ass though), Pinkerton rocks!!! It is October of 2000 and Weezer still sells out every show immediately and I still listen to Pinkerton and Blue everyday. Rivers' lyrics are amazing and go ridiculously well with the music. They really tried new things with this album and it fuckin' rules. I loved when they played Why Bother and El Scorcho here in L.A. not long ago and so did everyone else proving that Pinkerton was a success even though everyone does not recognize it...I guess it's our littel secret.

I really like this band, claimed to be the most influential alternative band of the 90's by people who have never heard "Wave of Mutilation" by the Pixies or "Cut your Hair" by Pavement. Yes, Weezer appeal more to that "emo" crowd than their more surreal off beat influences...and i have to say, whenever i go to a Weezer concert i hate about 95% of the people there. THey're all so happy and annoying and they're always singing weezer songs in line and cuddling with each other and wearing thick rimmed glasses to look like Rivers...i want to throw them in a room with nothing but a few Joy Division records and lock them in there. But it's not Rivers "trust me, my stage presence is not an act, i'm really this earnest" Cuomo's fault so many undesirables like his music (and who could blame them if Weezer is their favorite band if the only other thing they listen to is kiddie-dime-a-dozen-punk bands like the Get Up Kids), he's a really solid songwriter who has the ability to write upwards of 10 awesome songs every 32 years. Okay, now that i've alienated all you sensitive emo-folk (who hate being called that, wink) i can state that i like Pinkerton a bit better than this one. Grittier...or maybe just because it sounds more like the Pixies, i don't know. Weezer are awesome though, don't get me wrong..both albums get 8's methinks. But seriously...if you're going into Weezer withdrawl, try buyin' up some pixies and pavement, you won't regret it...

I still can't say this album is better than the first one (there's some sentimental attachment to it for me, actually), but this one is great too. I was really hesitant to buy it. In fact, I didn't even hear it until last summer. Boy, was I missing out! It's great that they did something new. The raw sound is great. It's only a hair weaker than the first one. I give it a 9/10.

I love this one! It sounds like Rivers is pulling a Kurt Cobain and trying to sound more uncommercial here, but overall he just hits gold way more on this release. I love every song on here, although i agree that some songs could of been released on the debut and it wouldnt of sounded weird ("Why Bother"), but for the most part, theres more diversity. My favorite song here is "Pink Triangle", and i love the xylophone and stuff in it! Plus the lyrics are funny of course. I give this a 10.

jturd@yahoo.com (Johnny Turd)
Oh, how I love a good Sniglets reference. That word is almost as funny as 'schmohawk', the insult Jeff Goldblum utters at the beginning of "Transylvania 6-5000". Ah, Goldblum. As for "Pinkerton", it's no "Crazy Rhythms", but what is, really? Prindle, why don't you do a Feelies page? I know Bill Million, y'know...he'd be very pleased (as would the companies, if I can slip in an obscure Dead Kennedys reference).

weezer's pinkerton is about as good as blue and a lot better than that green album.but what i wrote to say is that i happened to acquire a pre-release of Maladroit, weezers fourth album to be released April 18th and it is MUCH better than green. theres lots of stuff they havent done before on it and some kind of bluesy stuff. peace

apesarefriends@yahoo.com (Colin Jaffe)
This is clearly Weezer's best album. Anyone who tells you otherwise probably either has some sort of emotional attachment to the first album that's impairing their judgement, or they're johnny-come-latelys who like The Green Album. Or they just have different musical taste from me... Whatever.

This album is where Weezer took their pop songs and infused them with enough energy and sloppiness to make them interesting. The leads don't exactly follow the vocal melodies, unlike the majority of the songs on Blue and Green, there's variation in the singing style, and there's just a lot of fun contained herein. In conclusion, I'd probably give this one a 9. Definitely the best Weezer money can buy.

Now we just have to hope that albums 4 and 5 (4's coming soon, and they're working on 5 as of this writing) are better than Green. I'm trying to keep optimistic, hoping Green was either a creative slump or a (successful) bid for renewed popularity.

soul_crusher77@hotmail.com (Mike K.)
I think to fully appreciate this album, you have to have at some point been an insecure college kid who is almost constantly either falling in love with girls they cannot possibly ever have, or falling in love with girls they can have but then screwing up and/or getting rejected eventually, because that's what most of the album's about. I think it also gets better if you read a few interviews with Mr. Cuomo and find out most of this shit really happened when he went back to school after making the blue album. See, after doing the first album, he decided to continue his education and go to Harvard and go in for a medical procedure because he was born with one of his legs longer than the other. And after a few years of trying to be dilligent in his studies but being kind of distracted by a tumultous lovelife and feeling like a freak of an old guy with a big old leg brace and walking cane (hence that stuff in the good life), he finally just up and quit and made a rock album about the whole thing. And then no one bought it till after he grew to basically view it as a tremendous failure and refuse to play any of the songs live, which he gradually stopped doing.

But the crazy, crazy thing was that the followup to The Blue Album was actually originally intended to be a concept album called songs from the black hole. From what I've gotten to hear (which is pretty much what everyone but Rivers, the band, and "fifth member" Karl Koch has heard), it's an interesting idea, but can you imagine how much worse that would have done commercially than Pinkerton? People couldn't deal with that wholesome dorky guy who sang that buddy holly song singing about promiscuous sex, drugs, and general miserableness, let alone him dealing with all of these themes in a rock opera with an apparently science fiction-like storyline involving robots and a mission to save the planet Nomis from falling into the sun.

So on to the actual music I guess. Still pretty much being an insecure college kid, I always go back to this album when I'm dealing with love woes or whatever a less lame sounding term would be, but even when I'm not I always enjoy it because a lot of it's the most melodically inventive this here band has ever gotten. Like how "Across The Sea" keeps building up and having all these little melodic bits you weren't expecting, or that sudden unanticipated fast "how stupid is it..." bit in el scorcho. You'd never expect this band to, I dunno, go do an album where all the songs are like 5 seconds long, follow the exact same formula, and all have guitar solos that are exactly the same as the verse melodies.

I'll agree that 3 of the songs Mr. Prindle named (or rather numbered, and thus made me have to go look at my cd to figure out what the hell songs he was talking about) aren't too hot though. why bother does have funny lyrics but generic punk rock chords, butterfly isn't about cheating on a girl I don't think but is awful boring unless it hits you in the right mood, and getchoo is downright annoying. Although despite being a crappy song, the latter actually has it's place in a wacky joke on the listener, unless I'm imagining things. See, the cd starts off with these two sort of loud droney college rock-ish songs, tired of sex and of course getchoo. Then there's kind of this build up of feedback, Rivers Cuomo letting out an almost David Lee Roth-ish "YOW!!!!", and a loud drum intro, all of which make you anticipate another rocker, but instead you get "no other one", basically the loudest ballad known to man or something. I don't think the good life sounds anything like santa monica though. santa monica goes "der nu, der ner der ner ner nu, wicky wicky, der ner ner ner ner nu, wicky wicky, der ner ner ner NU!", while the good life is just sort of a steady "der ner ner ner NU, der ner ner ner NU".

in conclusion: FLYRICS!!!!!!!!

carrett@uclink.berkeley.edu (Garrett McLean)
Sorry dude, but the Blue Album (note capitalization) and Pinkerton kick ass. These albums are really straightforward, but for some reason, I can't stop listening to it. The mystery of Weezer is inescapable. I can't and probably won't stop listening to it. Even though they're more mainstream now, it's still really fun music that's well done and awesome to listen to. REVIEW MALADROIT YOU LAZY BASTARD! AND GIVE PINKERTON AT LEAST AN EIGHT.

(in commenting on pinkerton, I realized my duty to defend weezer on the whole).

michielh@nl.demon.net (Michiel Heinecke)
My favourite weezer album. Like a fine wine - It gets better with age. I can understand why everyone hated it. Since the blue album was a fun high school record, this here is Rivers in Emotional mode. He broke up with his girlfriend or something. There is some humour, but most of the songs really have a dark tone. And it's Weezer at their best. The songs are so really well written - Double guitar line's, Mood/Tempo changes - the production is really raw. It certainly isnt radio friendly though. Thats why the critics hated it. But those stupid assholes had to listen to them and make that shitty green album. Why can't I listen to the first 10 seconds of "across the sea" without breaking out in tears! Oh and Tired of Sex is one of the BEST album openers ive ever heard. 10/10

i need someone's help. in the beginning of the weezer song- falling for you, the beginning of the song is from another song. what is it? Radiohead did not steal it, i think its from an old song. I swear i' heard it when i was watching The Life aquatic .

So Mark, on your commentary on the Neutral Milk Hotel album In the Aeroplane Over the Sea, you noted that had you discovered the album in your teens, it might have more of an emotional impact on you. I think Pinkerton is probably the same way. Lyrics like "maybe we could even get together/maybe you could break my heart next summer" and "excuse the bitching/I shouldn't complain/I should have no feeling/cause feeling is pain" appeal strongly to angsty teens, which is why this album gets so much loving from all the emo kids. It gets labeled as emo a lot but I'll be damned if songs like Tired of Sex or Across the Sea or Pink Triangle aren't several orders of magnitude better than the My Chemical Romance/Fall Out Boy shit that gets called emo these days.

But yeah. If you'd first listened to Pinkerton when you were, say, 16, you'd probably be more inclined to give it a 9 or 10.

Add your thoughts?

The Good Life EP - DGC 1997
Rating = 4

If you can't get enough of Weezer's nostalgic "The Good Life," you're in luck because it's on here twice (the LP version and a boring live acoustic version). Also included are a boring live acoustic version of "Pink Triangle," a Rachel Haden guest vocal, and a surprisingly enjoyable HEAVY '50s ballad called "Waiting On You." I haven't listened to the first couple Weezer albums in years, but if their guitar tones are anything like the one in "Waiting On You," it's no wonder I gave them such high grades! It's basically just a '50s love ballad, but the guitars are like BLACK SABBATH heavy! There's also a nice Flaming Lipsy guitar line after the chorus. So good song, gang! Now it's time to start crankin' out the dogshit and turning into one of the most worthless bands in history.

Add your thoughts?

Weezer - Geffen 2001
Rating = 6

They already had an album called Weezer! They couldn't come up with ANYTHING ELSE?!?!?! Are these guys heroin addicts or something? If I were still the entire band Weezer, I would have been hilarious and called it Julian Cope & Peter Gabriel: 2Gether And Live!. But time is short and lives change. Remember that the next time you take a loved one for granted. Think about how he or she could die at any time. Think about how that would make you feel. And do this ALL THE TIME.

Got it? Good. Now you know what it feels like to be world-lameass record reviewer Mark Prickle!

Now, on to the album - first of all, it's 29 minutes long. It took them FIVE YEARS to come up with 29 minutes of music. I can name three different bands that have put out EPs that were 45 minutes. This is supposed to count as a full album??? In 2001 (A Space Odyssey)???? I don't even think The Ramones ever made an album this short! It's not like they're the damn Circle Jerks or something; they're just a stupid pop band. They couldn't come up with 15 more minutes of generic chord sequences after FIVE YEARS??? I could've written most of these songs in five MINUTES! And believe you me, that's not a statement about my incredible, unparallelled songwriting talent that will never be touched because it's perfect - it's a statement about how predictable the songs are. Not about how fucking incredible everything I've ever done is. Especially "Owner Of A Grocery Cart (Much Better Than The Owner Of A Stale Pop- Tart)."

You know what song rules? "A Mother Mother Fuck" by David Peel. My wife brought home some Berry Berry Kix and now I can't stop singing `A Mother Mother Fuck!" The song only has FOUR WORDS! And two of them are the SAME WORD! FOR GOD'S SAKE HAVE PITY ON MY SOUL AND THROW GALLONS AND GALLONS OF POWDERED COCAINE AT ME UNTIL THE SONG GOES AWAY!!! AWAY!!!!!!

Also lazy is a lot of the songwriting on here. The first two tracks (out of 10) sound like the worst of Screeching Weasel SLOWED DOWN. Laughably old chord sequences that would love to be The Ramones but have NO EDGE AT ALL. And la-la-la vocal melodies, of course. It picks up after that, thank God, with the hit single "Hash Pipe," which I enjoy the hell out of because it's the only song they've ever done that doesn't sound like Weezer! It's a heavy metal song! With falsetto vocals! THIS is the kind of stylistic diversity that could make me really like the band. But if you're just going to play simple straight fuzzy chorded Beatles tributes, the weaker ones are always going to stand out as weak. Especially in comparison to awesome songs like track 4 and track 6 (LOVE that one! It's faster than the others and has great John/Paul harmonies).

This is Paul McCartney songwriting all the way. Aside from "Hash Pipe," every tune on here sounds like a fruity post-Beatles pop song that just happens to be played with really loud distorted guitars. I don't mean to sound so critical. It's perfectly pleasant music, and the guy still has a great voice. It's just not anything that I personally would choose to listen to when there's so much more diverse, powerful, smart and interesting music out there to choose from.

Like Melissa Etheridge and Electric Light Orchestra Part Two.

Reader Comments

glenn.lester@hope.edu (Glenn Lester)

I don't like it neither. I waited a couple of weeks to actually write the review, `cause I thought some big revelations might hit me. They didn't. This is Weezer's dumbest, simplest music ever. Oh, but isn't all their music dumb and simple, you say? Not like this. Remember Prindle's review of Nevermind, where he said that every single song is predictable, and if a song has a guitar solo the solo will follow the vocal melody exactly? That's this album, but The Green Album (officially called Weezer, just like the first one) is certainly not loaded with classic tunes like that naked baby record is.

Rivers Cuomo said that he wanted to write less personal, more universal lyrics on this album. But he should have taken Intro to Creative Writing, where he would have learned that by being more specific, we become more universal. Ever think, how's come the lyrics on Pinkerton hit so much harder than this one (or The Blue Album-those lyrics were dumb, but they were funny too, and definitely not generic)? Rivers, you used to write personal, honest words; now it's trite generic blather like "gimme some love, gimme some love, gimme some I want you to know." Rivers, give us some love, or rather some better lyrics!

Also missing from The Green Album (ever notice how the three albums are Blue, Pink, and Green?), is bassist Matt Sharp's falsetto harmonies. I've read that new bass player Mikey Welsh (formerly of Blake Babies-I think.) takes up the castrato parts on the old tunes, but none of these new tunes have that Beach Boys vocal feel of yore. In addition, I never noticed until now that Matt always laid down some tuneful bass lines, not following the guitar chords exactly like Mr. Welsh seems to love to do so much.

Also missing: humanity and emotion. God, this album is more un-human than that new Radiohead record (a masterpiece, in my opinion-better than Kid A. But we're talking about Weezah rite naah). This Green Album, it's robotic. It's catchy and singable, but in a formulaic now-we'll-write-a-catchy-tune feel. Emotion leaks through the cracks in about 2.1 songs. Like I said, most tunes have gee-tar solos that follow the vocal melody exactly, and it's boring. Many tunes have parallel harmony on the singing throughout the whole tune. Harmony can be very exciting, but not when it's used so predictably and boringly (is that a word?). The production keeps the "wall of guitar" thing going on, but it just doesn't work on pretty pop like Weezer. On The Blue Album, Weezer pounded their songs with joy and excitement, and on Pinkerton, Rivers exorcised the demons of his soul and rocked like a muthafuh while he was at it. On this one, the whole band seems to lack energy. They pound the tunes into the floor. This one was produced by Ric Ocasek, just like Blue, and it's just too clean and sterile for its own good.

Maybe I'm being too harsh. I really like some of the tunes. "Island In The Sun" is the obvious good song here, but "Photograph" and "Knock-down Drag-out" are both catchy and fun as hell, despite the inhumanity. The first single "Hash Pipe" features a faux-heavy guitar riff and a cool descending melody thing, and might be about a transvestite prostitute. Funny how MTV can't have the word "hash" on the air, but it shows videos targeted towards preschoolers that are loaded with ass-shaking and sexual innuendoes. "Don't Let Go," "Simple Pages," and "Glorious Day" all have super-crappy lyrics, but also have parts that are really neat, like the chorus of "Simple Pages," or the beginning riff of "Glorious Day." It's also like 28 minutes long, which is nice when the songs range from "pretty good" to "quite mediocre."

The songs are not terrible, just not up to standards of Blue and Pink. There are parts in every song, excluding "Crab," that rank up there with their best tunes. But none of the songs are really put together in a way that makes them good songs. I hear some Big Star in a lot of these songs, especially the quite great closer "O Girlfriend." I feel disappointed though. Almost betrayed; here's this band that almost saved my life, is certainly responsible for my first kiss, and generally kept me happy and well-adjusted; here's a band who made two records I've listened to probably about 5000 times apiece; now they come out with this? God. You know, I'm now giving both Pinkerton and The Blue Album nine stars, and you can pick which one gets a ten. This one gets a six.

As if this review wasn't long enough: Rumor has it that Weezer has been recording more demos and playing more new tunes live. Maybe a fourth record within the year? Let's hope it's better. In the meantime, find some of those B-sides. "You Gave Your Love To Me Softly" is one of their best-ever songs; "Susanne," "Jamie," "Sweet Adeline (My Evaline)," "The Christmas Song," and "Christmas Celebration" are all great too. They also did "Velouria" for some Pixies tribute album, but it's not all that exciting. Kind of like The Green Album.

I am really disappointed---five years since Pinkerton and all we get is the first album redux. This Weezer is clearly designed to mimic the first one, with its monochrome color scheme, band cover photo, same title, same font, etc. If this is a joke, it's vaguely amusing; other than Peter Gabriel, I don't know that anyone's ever tried this sort of thing before.

But the larger implication is that we should forget about Pinkerton, the "black sheep" (notice it is black in color!) of Weezer albums. And this goes far beyond the sleeve design---the album's sound and feel seem like nothing more than Rivers Cuomo's self-conscious reaction to every record critic in the free world having told him that his extremely personal Pinkerton was just a big stinky piece of shit. That reaction? "Well, then, let's just make the first album again!"

Ric Ocasek is back at the wheel, burying nearly every track in the same signature over-massed eighth-note guitar chords that rendered much of "The Blue Album" a whole lot less catchy than it could have been. Gone is the glorious garage-band feel of the self-produced Pinkerton, with its Albini-esque drum production and flavorful guitars.

In fact, gone is just about every subtle nuance that, in my mind, pushed Pinkerton's songwriting above that of the debut album. All those cool interweaving lead guitar lines? Changes in dynamics? Speed-ups and slow-downs? Forget it, bub. It's just big muddy hunks of guitar chords with melodies that are only "catchy" by virtue of the fact that ANYBODY can write a decently catchy melody/harmony combo over these ever-so-pedestrian 1-4-5-and-some-minor-chords progressions. Only "Hash Pipe," with its pissy falsetto verse melody, reminds us of how Weezer used to actually make us ENJOY listening to the same chords we've heard a million times before.

My conclusion: if you liked the first album better than Pinkerton, this album will just make you want to listen to the first album again. It will also make you realize what a cool departure Pinkerton was from what is evidently "the Weezer sound." And if, like me, you liked Pinkerton more, you'll only be more angry about the classic bait-and-switch Rolling Stone pulled on poor oversensitive Rivers---give Weezer a glowing cover story for the debut, then turn a deathly cold shoulder to the commendable effort that clearly went into Pinkerton. Bastards! I guess they were just too excited about Electronica, the Next Big Thing.

But then, perhaps I was silly to rush right out and spend 18 bucks on this 10-song, 28-minute CD in the first place.

misterkite@mindspring.com (Adam Bruneau)
Definitely a disappointment. Apparently, from Rivers's point of view: they became a big success from The Blue Album, critics and hipsters were naturally pinpointing them as one-hit wonders. Rivers thought about all of this and poured out his soul into Pinkerton, which then became a huge critical and commercial flop. So he locked himself in his room for years, pride and artistic vision damaged, and avoiding everything until eventually coming out to test the waters with new shows. Finding a dedicated following that fully supported a comeback, he decided "not to make the same mistake twice" and thus avoid his Pinkerton approach. Big mistake.

This album is touted as a return to The Blue Album but I would hardly call it that. That record was brilliant, inspired, and dynamic. Yes, the media has since declared it sugary sweet pop music for geeks, but the truth is that the album is a startling burst of power pop, tinged with an element of extreme sarcasim, garage rock experimentalism, and soul. This record hardly comes close, and it's sad. Rick Ocasek has managed to squeeze all of the life out of this record. There are no soft, acoustic introductions or climactic build-ups to be found. There are no sudden bursts of feedback mid-song to be found and the lyrics are the kind of empty sugary sludge parodied in earlier tracks like "Buddy Holly". It sounds empty, soulless. Rolling Stone. MTV even, although whether or not they will take them back is up to the gods to decide...

Having said all of this, the album is still somewhat enjoyable. "Hash Pipe" has an interesting melody (kicking off with a Beatles reference), "Knock Down Drag Out" is catchy and fun despite it's simplicity, and "Photograph" could very well have fit on "The Blue Album" with the best of 'em. It's easily the best track on here. But elsewhere very little inspiration is found (except maybe "Island in the Sun"), and sometimes the songs are dismally bad ("Glorious Day"). It's not a waste of money but from Weezer we all expected much more. For instance, during the Winter 2001 tour they opened with an amazing song before breaking into "My Name Is Jonas", but sadly it is not even here! Maybe Rivers is saving up the good stuff for later? Who knows? Hopefully, this will sell plenty of copies and Rivers will get the guts to come out with another Pinkerton. Until then, keep on spinning those other two discs of beauty....

the green album is definitely the worst album they've done so far, but it's still pretty good, and at least worthy of a 7 or so. It's a bit of a step back, hell, if one were to blindly listen to all 3 weezer albums and guess their chronological order, you'd be more likely to guess that this was the first one, followed by the blue album and then pinkerton. Sounds a bit like they wanted to do a "back to basics" comeback album, only instead of trying to make it sound like blue, they just tried to make it sound like the exact opposite of pinkerton. It's a bit too simple and occasionally generic-y, and with some of the worst lyrics Rivers has penned, but more often than not, happy catchy pop melodies save the day. I can still enjoy most of it and think "hey, this is a nice catchy melody" instead of "hey, this kinda sounds like everclear or something" or "did he just say 'glorious children on my mind'? what the hell?". The only thing here I actually hate on here is "crab". If a song's going to be this repetitive lyrically, it shouldn't also be this dopey lyrically. To put it another way, if you have to write a song that has the line "crab at the booty/ t'ain't gonna do no good" in it, don't have it repeated 3 times. So, to sum up, definitely not the most creative thing they've ever done, and too damn short, but still a catchy not-half-bad pop record. high points: "island in the sun", "o girlfiriend", and "photograph" (epitomizing the "cheese, but really catchy cheese" aspect of the album). low point: "crab".

Hmmm. I hate to say it, but this is bland. Don't Let It Go? What a generic opener. Of these ten songs, about five of them are fun, energetic, and original. The rest, however, is just a copy of the same ol' uninteresting junk I hear on the radio every day. I can understand the guys wanting to stray away from the style of Pinkerton since it was a critical and commercial flop, but man, they really could have done better than this. I'm happy that the album is in the top five right now, and that they are getting their popularity back, but it seems their new batch of fans are liking them BECAUSE of their new watered-down style. My friend, who is a huge Weezer fan and agrees with me on the CD, told me that this CD is supposedly a way of getting their foot in the door commercially so they can do another experimental album (a la Pinkerton). I hope so. This one only gets a 6 from me though.

No1Yanks23@aol.com (Matt Reyes)
Hey I knew all of you were going to hate this. It's not a great album, for sure. Rivers thought they could get popular with stuff like this and they did. All the material is great though, not "Weezer great" or anything except for Island in the Sun and Hash Pipe. But it's still very catchy stuff. I give it a high 7, mainly because it's only 28 minutes long. But you are right about those b-sides. All of those songs rule except for My Adeline (which is just a joke). Rivers says they have over 100 songs written and should have a new album out next year. They say some of it's more like Pinkerton, which would be cool. They also discussed a new Bside album possibly which would also expose a lot of those awesome songs. One more thing, if the green album is only 28 minute songs why leave off I Do? It was only on the Japanese cd and it's one of the best songs from the sessions? Who knows, fans just need to get over that Rivers did not want to do Pinkerton part 2, he wanted to get famous again, now heres a chance to start doing more creative stuff.

[groan] pinkerton represented a huge leap forward, production-wise, lyrically, and musically. But NO, they gave into record label pressure and released what may be perhaps one of the worst albums ever released in my opinion. A 0 from me.

frankdren@hotmail.com (Frank Darden)
I was pretty disappointed about this album, Pinkerton and Blue were so much friggin better, Blue was catchy as hell, and Pinkerton was just awesome, but this green one is just way below par. I bought it the first day it came out and thought it was alright, but on closer inspection i realized that it kinda sucked. The lyrics are pretty dull and boring, and the guitar is really simple - much more than the other two, which had catchier riffs and such. Overall i'd agree and give it a 6

johnnyslittlerocketship@yahoo.com (Dan Deitrich)
Yes we were all a little dissapointed with Green. But this album wasn't for the die-hard, old-school Weezer fans. Rivers knows he has what it takes to make people love him and I think that's what this album was about. "Island in the sun" and "Hash Pipe" are far better than any of the shit played on MTV or pop radio now and people who have never heard of or forgoten about Weezer are becoming fans. Sure it doesn't meet up to the Weezer standards, but its not because of lack of ability. You can call it selling out to pressure from the record label but I'll call strategy. Whether or not I agree with this strategy is immaterial. Until the new album, wich will have to be awesome(and there will be a new album-oh yes there will), I will continue to rock out with Blue and get my bare-ass spanked by Pinkerton(well put Glen). And let's not forget those b-sides!

Yup, this ones mediocre. I like it a lot more then i should, though. Basically every song is the same (all guitar solos follow the vocal melody, loads of distorted guitar, verse/chorus/verse...whats this Nevermind 2?), except "Half Pipe", which is a heavy-falsetto driven rocker, "Photograph", which is a silly early-Beatles/Beach Boys-esque pop song, and "Island In The Sun" which could be on dang Beatles For Sale for all i care (which means great!). The rest all have piles of distorted guitar with vocals that try to be catchy. Could get pretty tedious with one listen. Ohh, and "O Girlfriend" is a nice emotional ballad. Its nice. Ill be generous and give it a 7.

apesarefriends@yahoo.com (Colin Jaffe)
A 5 or a 6. Maybe, maybe a 7. Very disappointing. I mean, critics bashed Pinkerton and few people bought it, but did Rivers really have to go and make the exact opposite of that record? Pinkerton was great, and the critics and audience are only now starting to come to that realization. This album's like if they took the pop hooks from the first two, changed them slightly so they're not absolute, total rip-offs, and sapped all of the energy from them. Maybe it's that Cars guy's fault...

you don' t like weezer, and you like METALLICA?????? that's enought to say right there metallica is SOO gay. weezer is so great and have soo much more talent then those crackbabies metallica or whatever gay melissa etheridge you like... weezer is awesome PERIOD. you should go , go to a metallica concert and smoke crack and get trampled in a pit or something cuz people who like gay bands shouldn't have any say.. how can you review this? you probably like SLIPKNOT for crying outloud.

I just wanted to add this, because I feel like I'm the only one who picked up on it (unless this has been mentioned on the site): the main riff off "Hash Pipe" is also the main riff of the Munsters theme song (very creative...). Anyone crying "sell out" should not feel guilty, especially considering the new album (Maladroit) is awful, and makes "the green album" sound fantastic.

michielh@nl.demon.net (Michiel Heinecke)
Assholes! Why abandon all the musical growth you present on Pinkerton, and replace it with THIS POPPY CRAP. Its the blue album WITHOUT THE CATCHYNESS!!! every song drags you to the next one, no tempo or mood changes at all... The new bass player sucks too. He plays every damn song EXACT the same notes as the guitar. I saw Weezer on the green album tour, and was not impressed too many Green album songs - NO PINKERTON SONGS AT ALL, and a lot of songs from Maladroit wich also sucks donkeydick. 3/10

what do you think weezer's song island in the sun has to do with? just wondering thanks..

Melissa Etheridge rules, you crazy male masculine men.

Just kidding. I am a man, but for some reason I don't despise all the female artists out there in creation. Although I don't like Kim Gordon. Thank fucking God she didn't go solo. Great band she's in, tho'.

Unfortunately, this IS my favorite Weezer album. Not that I think they're that great of a band, but they beat the ever-loving snot out of Good Charlotte any day of the week.

Decent pop-punk album. Better than Dookie. I give it a 9.

But only ten songs? After five years? ERAGH!

Add your thoughts?

Maladroit - Geffen 2002.
Rating = 4

I've never been terribly impressed by these charlatans, and now I'm downright irritated by them. I love the idea of using really loud heavy distorted guitars to play catchy melodic pop -- but Weezer aren't any good at writing catchy melodic pop! Plus the lyrics, long considered Rivers Cuomo's strong suit, sound like they were written by a 10-year-old ("I've seen this game before/My love walks right to your door/There ain't no hope for me no more"? "Get yourself a wife/Get yourself a job/You're living a dream/Don't you be a slob"? This is what critics call the "moon/June/soon" type of hackneyed garbage songwriting. Luckily I'm not a critic so I can just say they sound like they were written by a 10-year-old). Every song on here is either a '70s Mountain-style hard rock riff or a power pop melody so boring, generic and OLD that I have to ask -- If you have nothing at all to contribute to the world of music, why not just retire?

Judging from the fact that I got this on ebay for one dollar about six months after it came out, I'll have to guess I'm not the only one who feels this way. If you want good loud guitar power pop, buy the first four Cheap Trick albums. They're fantastic. Heck, you might even like the first Weezer album, with the honestly great poper pow tunes "Buddy Holly" and "Say It Ain't So" on it! But this one is really pretty bad. Hence the name "Maladroit," which, when translated into English from its original language through hours of intensive codecracking, means "INEPT." When you have to actively SEARCH for a riff you haven't already heard in 10-15 other power pop songs by other bands, you're looking at creative bankruptcy.

And when you're working for FAO Schwarz's parent company, you're looking at financial bankruptcy! Ha ha ha! Fuck You, Toy Bastards!

Reader Comments

soul_crusher77@hotmail.com (Mike K.)
There were a lot of folks who came to the conclusion that the green album was just to get them back selling more records so intergeffen or whatever wouldn't whinge as much if they tried to do something different. Instead Geffenscope whinged over them releasing demo versions of every single song from the record on their official site, then later sending promos with 8 of the 13 songs in officially produced form to radio stations (which naturally also got leaked online) with no record company permission whatsoever, but that's another story. And while the finished product does have a degree of risk taking, don't expect another Pinkerton or anything. There's still the occasional cheesy bubblegum influence leftover from The Green Album, but better because 1) the melodies have more of the cheesy but catchy as hey variety that worked well on the better green songs, and 2) the arrangements are much less generic. You can tell this band has two guitarists again! and there's nothing at all suggesting that the rest of the band left the studio for a few hours, in which Rivers took the time to finish half of the album backed up by a bland pop-punk band who happened to be recording a few rooms over! The biggest change (aside from breaking the pattern of having more than 10 songs and being shorter than the previous one, although it kind of couldn't be without become an ep) is the prescence of a handful of bonafide metal songs. Kind of like hashpipe, but more arena rock. sounds like Rivers actually dusted off his old Kiss and Scorpions records he'd only occasionally reference in lyrics or solos, possibly inspired by the addition of new bass player and scary looking (at least compared to the rest of the band) ex-metal band member Scott Shriner. Even in the goofiest pop numbers, there's usually some sort of shreddy double tracked butt-rockin' solo involved. Lyrics are still weak, but at least there's more funny nonsense than cliches about love. For instance, the hit single "dope nose", not only makes use of the phrase "bust rhymes real slow" in the chorus, but also discusses the topic of the aroma of cheese on overdone meat and makes a self-depricating fag joke in the same verse. There were also outtakes that also got released on the site with the lyrics "I pick up my donuts for free" and "sandwiches time/ sandwiches time/ sandwiches on my mind". Rivers should write more songs when he's really hungry. 8/10.


Every once in a while, a band I've been following for a long time puts out a new album and I have a kneejerk positive reaction, only to come to my senses later on and realize it is in fact a piece of shit. It happened with Mink Car by They Might Be Giants, and now it happened with this album. Well ok, I was exaggerating, neither of those are entirely pieces of shit, but they sure as hell ain't no 8's either.

See, this one almost sounded like it was better than the last album to me at first because it doesn't particularly have bland predictable arrangements and isn't produced so that every ounce of energy is drained out of the performances. But I somehow failed to notice that Rivers "Ribachu" Cuomo didn't come up with very many good melodies at all this time out. It's not all bad though, "Dope Nose" and "Keep Fishin" are fun pop songs, if sort of derivative of past singles, "Burndt Jamb" has a neat hippy-jazz groove, "Slave" and "Death And Destruction" are pretty good ballads, even though the former starts out like it's a freaking Creed song or something and the latter was better when it was an instrumental, and finally, for an obvious T-Rex ripoff, "Take Control" still rocks out with it's cock out. The rest of the album, however, is passable to utter crap.

I'm honestly kind of worried about this whole "tiny 30 minute album every year" thing Rivers seems to be pushing the band into as of late. In theory it sounds good, after all, there was a 5 year wait for the last tiny under-30-minute album, but I think the band needs more time than that to seperate wheat from chaffe or what have you. Rivers does seem to write new songs every 5 seconds now, but either it's become a quantity over quality thing and he only pulls out a good one every once in a while, or he's just really bad at picking which ones go on his albums. After all, Maladroit was self-produced, so I guess there was no one around to say "um, this sounds exactly like that 'locomotion' song" or whatever. It's rumored that Rick Rubin will produce the next one, hopefully he'll get some quality control up in there.

I just realized that since I wrote my original comments before the review was even up, there's probably going to be a "a year later" thing above this one, and therefor it's going to look like I'm making a second comment on one of the most recent Prindle reviews a year in the future. Which of course is true. It's 2004 right now! They found a cure for cancer, and I'm listening to this album with my mind! Everyone wears the same exact metallic outfit everywhere and the world is ruled over by gigantic metal insects! It's crazy!

bococho@hotmail.com (Josh)
alright...this used to be my favorite band for about 2 years. I loved them when the blue album came out, then forgot they existed until about 3 years ago. Then I started listening to them again, and loved them more than ever.

I found out they even had a second album, Pinkerton, which I couldn't stand the first itme I heard, but the more I listened to it, the more it blew me away. I couldn't stop listening to it for months. It was the first album I had owned that had any edge to it at all (I had been listening to stuff like Offspring at the time...) It opened the doors for me to get into stuff you don't hear on the radio. It always held a big place in my heart because of that. I wouldn't stop obsessing over them, trying to get people into them. Then the green album came out...basking in the reflected glory of their first 2 albums, I listened to it, and automatically thought 'it's weezer, it kicks ass' and to be honest, it was fairly catchy. Then after the first 2-3 months, it just started sickening me. It had no feeling, no depth, no emotion at all to it. It was just mindless pop garbage. The band tried making everyone think they were going back to their roots, which would've been fine cause the blue album was great. It was pop, but it had a certain smartness and feeling to it. The green album lacks any sort of soul the blue album had. The band did their best to ignore the fact that Pinkerton even existed. At shows they played Tired of Sex...and that was it. 7-8 songs from Blue, 7-8 songs from Green...1 from Pinkerton. They would sell autographed cd's...of the blue and green albums. I can't even stand the band anymore. I have no respect left for Rivers and his crew. Maladroit, I listened to twice. Keep fishin...catchy, but that's all. Muppets = fun too, but again, it's 1 song out of a full album. All they want now is to sell records. This is probably one of the most cliche lines when talking about bands, but it used to be about the music, and now it's not, and for that I am terribly disappointed. There's very select few bands that I ever got emotionally attached to...in fact weezer's the only one I can think of, their music was there for me in a really tough time, and they let me down, and they let me down HARD. I refuse to wear my weezer hoodie anymore simply because I'd get stopped on the street 'Hey! I love Keep Fishin and Hash Pipe! All 3 of their albums were great! And what's great is they never change, so it's always gonna be good!' and I just want to strangle them for being so fucking ignorant. I can't even think about the band anymore without being disgusted.

On a sidenote, I'm surprised no one has mentioned how weezer was HEAVILY influenced by Pixies, and even has almost the same riffs and basslines on a lot of their songs. They change them enough so that you can't notice unless you take them apart, but cut of Frank's vocals, the lead guitar and various noises from a Pixies song, and you're left with about 75% of your average weezer song, especially if you're taking the songs from Trompe le Monde.

michielh@nl.demon.net (Michiel Heinecke)
Even WORSE than the green album.. "Island in the sun" AGAIN ON THIS CD??? That doesn't make sense. At least Bad Religion ReRecorded 20th Century Digital boy for their album Stranger than fiction. AND Bad Religion STILL MAKES FINE ALBUMS! I do like "Slob" though. It has emotion. Makes me think of Pinkerton... of better times... (what's that song doing between all this crap?) 2/10

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The Lion And The Witch EP - Geffen 2002
Rating = 3

It can't be easy being one of the worst bands in the world. With the heavy burden of so many classic garbage records in your back catalog, the ever-increasing pressure to underdo yourselves, and of course all your fans constantly asking you, "When's another shitty album coming out?," it's enough to drive even the worst group to lose its focus and accidentally release a half-decent set of songs. Thank God Weezer hasn't fallen into that trap; they still completely suck.

This live EP features 2 Maladroits, 2 Pinkertons and one each from the Weezers. The drums nearly drown out the wimpy pussy-assed guitar, the bass gets throbbingly overloud at its low frequencies, and the songs all run together because they all use the exact same type of chord sequence. "Island In The Sun" remains a catchy little tune; the rest do not, if they ever did. In particular, "Dope Nose" is chunky rock at its stupidest and "Death And Destruction" sounds like a bunch of drunken janitors doing a Hall & Oates cover.

Hilarious stage comments for the ages include:

1. "I'd like to ask the Lord's help for guiding us through our performance of this next song." (Apparently he didn't show up because the song stinks to High Heaven, where the Lord apparently just covered his nose and continued bullwhipping Hindus)

2. "Did you guys hear about the party after the show? Because there's a party. And we're all going. With bells on." (That's CHARISMA!)

3. "Thank you. That was off our new album, entitled Frankie Goes To Hollywood." (Thus raising the question, "Why are all your album titles so boring?")

4. "Holy frickin' cow! That was frickin' Nobel Prize quality right there! Scott just won a Grammy!" (Apparently Scott made a mistake in "Holiday," which earned him a razzing from Rivers Cuomo, a man who has made nothing but mistakes since 1997.)

If I were one of those assholes who used the phrase "'Nuff said," I'd do so now. I'm not though, so THE END!

You had us pegged all along. DAMN!


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Make Believe - Geffen 2005
Rating = 4

Many of us in life are often offered the opportunity to submit a story idea to a top British magazine of the day. I thought, "Say, wouldn't it be funny if I were to interview today's top celebrities over the telephone, but make them like PRANK interviews?" So I came up with a whole bunch of ideas in the middle of the night, excitedly emailed them off to the editor, and he called me five minutes later to tell me that the ideas were "the worst pieces of shit (he'd) ever had the misfortune of reading in his life" and to demand that I pay him $5000 "for a lifetime supply of air freshener to get the rancid, urine-like stench of these rotten, maggot-infested ideas out of my office." As such, I'm going to share them with YOU, the reader! That way, you'll finally have the opportunity to experience what it's really like to be a British magazine editor.

- You set me up to interview an artist who has recorded many albums, and whose work I am very familiar with. Just an example, let's say Angus Young of AC/DC. And in my mind (and in my introduction to the interview for YOU, but not known to the artist), my goal is to ask the artist about EVERY SINGLE SONG he has ever recorded, in chronological order. In tedious detail. But I won't actually SAY this to the interviewee, see. So for Angus, I would spend 15 minutes asking different questions about the first song on their first Australian album, which was "Baby Please Don't Go" ("why did you start your first album with a cover?" "did you play a lot of covers in your early days?" "Did you always play it like a fast punk song, or did you originally play it as a normal blues number but it just gradually developed into its final form?" "that guitar thing you play at the beginning of the second half - is that the same thing as eddie van halen's 'hammer-on' technique?" "Had you heard another guitarist using that style before, or did you come up with that yourself?" "How about that part where Bon says something, and you follow it up by mimicking his voice with your guitar? Did you guys practice that a lot to get it perfect, or do you actually know your way around a guitar that well that you could imitate his voice no matter what he did with it?) -- after 15 minutes of this, I would say, "Okay, let's move on to the next song" and pull the same bullshit again. I'd just like to see how long I could get away with this before the artist goes, "Excuse me -- are you planning on asking me about every single song I've ever done?"

- You set me up with somebody with a long history of several different bands who is currently supporting a new project, and I instead focus entirely on one of his more obscure projects. For example, you set me up with Paul Rodgers, who just issued a CD fronting Queen, and I spend the entire interview asking him questions about The Firm's "Mean Business" album from 1986.

- This would work for anybody. I ask a few normal questions and then say, "So this new album is on Columbia?" (artist: yeah, yeah) I continue, "How did you get on Columbia?" (he answers) Me: "Hmm. I actually record music myself here at home. Do you think - could I send you a demo and have you play it for them? My stuff is sort of a cross between Frank Zappa and hardcore punk rock and -- here, hang on - let me play you a little" and then play some of my own music, and just keep asking questions related to me -- "Would they want to send somebody to see me play live? I don't really ever play live shows" "Do you think I should grow my hair out? It used to be long, but I've had it short for a while." "They won't make me change the lyrics or anything, will they?" and just see how long I can get away with it.

--- The "Hilarious Whoopee Cushion Prankster" Interviewer. This would run like a normal interview, except that during one of the interviewee's answers (probably, say, 3rd answer), I squeeze a whoopie cushion right into the phone. When he stops and questions me, I'll remain completely composed and say I didn't hear anything. We'll continue and I'll do it again. I'll maintain my innocence and confusion - I don't hear anything, is it a bad connection, should I try calling back etc. Then I'll ask another question, and during the next answer, I'll squeeze just tiny little bits - pbll! pbll! pbll! - that he may or may not even notice. Then after he's finished and it's time for a new question, I'll say, "Hang on one second" and blow air into the whoopee cushion (filling it back up) directly into the phone, so he can't help but hear. I will then continue to deny that it's me, and see where it goes, how mad he gets, and whether he just hangs up.

In print this would look like:

"Yeah, so when we started doing Sgt. Pepper, I said, "Say, I have a mustache -


"... Excuse me?"

and so on. You can bill it drily as the "Hilarious Whoopee Cushion Prankster Interview" and there will be no element of humor in my manner or dialog. Just the dumb noise over and over.

--- The "UK" interviewer - This would take advantage of the fact that you are a British publication. It would have to be with an American artist/performer. You would tell him to expect a call from your freelance interviewer Adrian Harrington from London. I would then call from my home in NYC, using a ludicrous fake British accent. I would then fill the interview with antiquated British slang, moronic questions that no true Britainer would ask, and references to British pop culture figures from today and yesteryear that the American interviewee couldn't possibly know. I think your audience would get a kick out of this! You wouldn't have to say anywhere that I'm not actually British, yet the interview would look like this in print:

"Cheerio, mate! Cor blimey, innit? Lissen 'ere, mate.... This new record o' yours - it's wot - get in the queue and Bob's your uncle, innit?"

"Ha! Yeah, I guess so."

"It's like eh... Robin Askwith wif 'ees bum out, innit?"


"'Ello 'ello 'ello! Check this, roy'? See, over here, I have a Prime Minister, me. But over there, you have - eh, what-you-call - a President! Cor blimey, innit? Sort of a... M5 agragarian eh... Fookin' Maggie, right?"

"I guess so?"

--- The interviewer and his wife - This has happened on a small scale during a couple of my real interviews, so I think it would be funny to take it to its logical extreme. This would be planned out beforehand with my wife, who would be sitting on the couch while I sat at the computer desk and did the call. I'd start the interview off really excitedly telling the performer how much I like him, and him saying thanks and all that. Then my wife would say (and he'd only barely hear this in the background) "Tell him I said I love 'Fancy Day' (or whatever - some song by the guy)" Then I would say to the perfo -- well look, let me put this in print for you, so it will make more sense.

"Man, it's great to finally have a chance to speak to you! I'm a big, big fan!"

"Well thanks! It's no problem."

(my wife) "Tell him that 'Stairway to Heaven' kicks ass!"

"My wife told me to tell you that 'Stairway to Heaven' kicks ass!"

"Oh! Yeah, that was a good one."

(to my wife) "He said 'Yeah, that was a good one!"

(my wife) "Tell him I love his singing voice in that one!"

"She told me to tell you that she loves your singing voice in that one."

"Oh! Well, tell her thanks. Heh heh!"

(to my wife) "He says thanks!"

(my wife) "Tell him you're welcome!"

"She said to tell you you're welcome!"

"Well gee, would SHE rather do the interview?"

(to my wife) "He said, 'Would SHE rather do the interview?'"

(my wife) "Ha! Tell him no thanks! I'm reading!"

"She said to tell you 'No thanks, she's reading!"

(etc etc etc)

--- The "Computer Guy" interviewer -- This jerk (me) has all his interview questions in a Word file on his computer, but can't get the file to open. I see it progressing as follows:

Me: "Hi, thanks for taking the time to talk to me!"

Him: "No problem!"

"So what have you been up to today?"

"Oh, not much. Just doing some interviews."

"Some interviews? Any good ones?"

"Nah, just your basic ones."



Him: "So..."

Me: "Hang on, I'm just waiting for the -- I've got my questions in a Word document. I'm waiting for it to open."

"Ah. Okay."

"Just one sec."


Me: "Damn. Dammit! It froze. Hang on, I have to restart. I'm sorry about this."

"No problem! No problem."


Me: "So... how's the weather there?"

"Not bad, not bad. Little rainy."



Me: "Okay, it's starting up. One sec."



Me: "So... are you gonna see this new Cronenberg movie?"

"I don't know. Maybe."

"Okay, it's back up. Here we go. Oh, actually let me check my email real quick."


"Oh great, Dave finally wrote" (reading to myself) "hey mark, can you come over and da da da - da da da at 11 pm on -" Eleven? I can't make it at 11:00!"

"What's that?"

"One sec." (at this point, I begin to very loudly and obviously type a response email to 'Dave'). (reading to myself quietly and angrily as I type) "it's ridiculous of you to think I'm going to get off work at 5:30 and than hang around until 11 just to get a couple of stupid tapes from you. If you had (etc etc)"

"Can we get to the interview now? I'm kind of in a hurry."

"One sec. (reading, finishing the note) - will talk to you tomorrow. There we go. Okay, let me open up these questions."


"Fuck! It froze again!"

(and from here, ANYTHING could happen!)

Those were my ideas. Isn't it crazy that this British editor wasn't running around telling everybody in rave form how much he liked them? Instead, he called my local police department and told them I was a heroin salesman. Why did he do that?! I wasted a whole evening injecting my entire stash into my balls while the police searched every nook, cranny, crook and nanny in my apartment. But you know what they say about the British: "You get what you pay for!"

On that note, let's turn to a different topic: that of the failure of Weezer to follow up their promising first two albums with anything of substance at all. First of all, I'll freely admit as an honest man that la-de-da power pop isn't one of my preferred forms of music. From the selection I've heard (Matthew Sweet, Weezer, others with 'wee' in their names) (and panties), power pop seems to too seldom deviate from simple chord sequences that I've heard a literal ass-trillion times before. With any form of music, obviously there are going to be some bands who do it better than others - for example, if it's safe to call Cheap Trick a 'power pop' band, their first five albums are terrific! - but the once wildly-overappreciated Weezer just seem to be getting blander and more predictable with each release.

Hey! You know what I just remembered? A few weeks ago when I was in Academy Music on 18th St., home of the least interesting conversations you will ever hear in your life, one of the employees was whistling "Buddy Holly"! Man, I wanted to punch that guy. Luckily for both of us, I"m a coward.

But there's no "Buddy Holly" on this album. There's not even a "Say It Aint So" on here. There IS a hilarious 80s-sounding chug-chug-chug Billy Idol-style rocker about being on drugs, as well as a very pretty ballad built upon guitar harmonics and a melancholy, evocative piano song from the point of view of a soulless jerk. Unfortunately, Make Believe is not a three-song cassingle, so the dint of the rest of the remainder of the CD is filled with obvious quiet-to-loud sing-songy dumbfuckery. Here's a bit of advice for today's musical groups: if the chord sequences of the first two songs on your new album are "tonic-subdominant-dominant" and "tonic-dominant-subdominant-dominant," BREAK UP. Christ, what is the point of even BUYING a guitar if you're not going to do ANYTHING AT ALL with it!? There are six fucking strings there! Imagine all the weird chords, chord combinations, and multi-note riffs you could come up with if you put even the slightest bit of effort into it. Jesus, I've written more interesting guitar lines with the first five frets shoved up my ass!

The lyrics are a 'mixed bag' too, as they say in the Peanut Manufacturers' Association. Aside from a few unfortunate cliches ("You are/Taller than a mountain/Deeper than the sea"; "But now I feel the shame/There's no one else to blame"; "When everything is wrong/I'll come talk to you/You make things all right/When I'm feeling blue"), Rivers does a decent enough job of describing loneliness, love and failing relationships, but his words are stripped down to the point where you can't tell whether he's seriously laying his feelings on the line in an honest, straightforward manner or just being lazy as shit (ex. "I hope you believe me/Cause I speak sincerely/And I mean it when I tell you/That I need you"). Either way, I quite enjoy this line: "One more tear/Falling down your face/Doesn't mean that much/To the world."

So that's that. Another unthrilling new Weezer album with generic chord sequences, uncompelling vocal melodies and sluggish tempos. Maybe they should call in some outside songwriters or something, because Rivers still has a very beautiful singing voice. He could be The Turtles of our generation!

Well, not my generation. I'm 400 years old. But SOMEBODY'S!!!!!

Reader Comments

What a loathsome piece of trash. I'm surprised you even gave it a 4. This one gets a flat-out "what the fuck was Rivers thinking?" 1 from me. I mean, he apparently scrapped a couple albums' worth of songs to arrive at this chunk of shit? There is nothing even close to intelligent or creative on here - just a bunch of whining and shitty guitar playing. Just throw together a couple of powerchords, play 'em pathetically and weakly but with tons of distortion, whine over it with I'm-so-angsty lyrics a first grader could have written, and you have this waste of tape. "Beverly Hills" is one of the worst songs I've ever heard in my life, topped off with an unspeakably awful talkbox solo. You know it's bad when the one about drugs rips off the old "When you're sliding into first and your pants are gonna burst - diarrhea" schoolyard song for its music and uses an antidrug statement lamer than those alarmist anti-pot ads clogging up the airwaves. Not that I'm endorsing or condemning pot - it's just that those ads are totally shortsighted. Like, is someone really going to be high on pot behind the wheel? Anyway, back to Weezer's shitty album. This is a pile of stinking garbage that was foisted upon the public with all the grace of a paralyzed man attempting the tarantella, and it is utterly worthless.

Just wanted to let you know that your prank interviews cracked me up. Whichever British editor didn't like them is idiotic, because how often does a magazine feature literally make you laugh out loud, the way these did for me? Great job.

Academy is, without a doubt, the place on earth with the least interesting conversations ever divined - was just thinking this yesterday when I was there. Thanks for putting it in print!

The prank calls cracked me up for good. Thanks!!! Though, some of them would be nice but impossible to do. I mean, I don't think Mark would prank-interview Angus Young. But if mark becomes famous in the future, well, he could take a dump on Ashton Kutcher or someting like that. Hey, that would be cool!

michielh@nl.demon.net (Michiel Heinicke)
Excuse me, but this album that YOU are giving 4 dots, is Weezers best album since Pinkerton!!! How can you rate this the same as the piece of crap Maladroit!! These songs actually have emotion in them!!! How can you not like the melodies of "Freak me out" and "The Damage in your Heart", I haven't heard River write any songs like this since Pinkerton. Did you ACTUALLY listen to the album, or didn't you bother after the terrible Beverly hills. Yes Beverly hills is a 4. But the rest of the album is a solid 9!!!! SO LISTEN TO IT AGAIN AND FIX THIS!!!

so why do ya wright all thatsee i love weezer and i loved his song BEVERLY HILLS

Your review of Make Believe by Weezer is perhaps the best record review I've ever read. I think Make Believe is a wretched album, the kind of album that makes one wish that the band had just broken up after their second album, since everything after that was mediocre and/or completely blew. On the other hand, this album being released caused you to write this brilliant review, so I guess that makes me glad they put the album out. It is possible that you still would have had the idea for the annoying interviews for the British publication without having to review Make Believe. However, Make Believe is such a terrible record that I imagine you came up with the interview idea as a way to block out the aural torture of Rivers Cuomo's third straight collection of boring songs.

romesp@gmail.com (Rod Meade Sperry)
hey Mark.

dont know how i didnt read that til now, but jesus, was it funny. i sent it to wife, who read it responded, "he kills me. love this kind of writing." me too.

congrats on being one of the funniest writers. period. still.

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Weezer - Geffen 2008
Rating = 4

Man, am I fond of my velvet glove. It's so comfortable! I could wear it day or night, it feels so soft and comfy against my hand. In fact, I feel so strongly about my velvet glove that what I'd really like to do is write a song about it. Unfortunately, I can't think of a rhyme for "velvet glove." I tried "strife" but you really have to pronounce the words weird to make it sound like they're rhyming. So I guess I'll go on ramblin' and dreamin', just hoping that some day I'll think of a rhyme for "velvet glove."

Rumor has it that somebody in Sydney, Australia 'tagged' a quote from my Joy Division page onto a building. If you are that person, keep it up! If not, get with the program! The M. Prindle Tag Program, that is! Below please find some newly-crafted Mark Prindle quotes that would make a perfect addition to any city building:

"This building is filled with rats and nose hair" - M. Prindle

"Olufela Olusegun Oludotun Ransome-Kuti? More like "Olufela SHIT SHIT SHIT-SHIT, if you ask me!" - M. Prindle

"Don't blame me -- I voted to fuck your wife!" - M. Prindle

"Hi, I'm Steve Johnson" - M. Prindle

"Take two pills and call me in the morning, after I've fucked your wife!" - Dr. M. Prindle

But enough of this wasted Internet space, wasting all our precious limited Internet resources. Our real raisin d'etre for being here today is to discuss the unsurprisingly lousy new Weezer album.

Has Weezer always sounded like Everclear? This album sounds just like Everclear, all full of obvious pop-grunge choruses, way-too-loud midtempo drumming, slick radio-friendly production... even the vocals sound like Everclear! Not all the vocals, mind you (particularly as tracks 7, 8 and 9 are sung by the other band members), but Rivers Cuomo sure has an Art Alexakadilakakakakakis thing going on - and not to anybody's supplement! (Art Alexakis sounds like an asshole)

Incidentally, what's up with Weezer's "Flying W" logo? Do they honestly think they're fit to lick the almighty bald spot of David Lee Roth And His Van Halen? If so, somebody smack those fuckers; they stink.

First things first -- I love this album cover. It looks like somebody's parody of a Weezer album cover, with the band dressed up as these ridiculous characters: guitarist Brian Bell as bearded, long-haired '70s pimp; drummer Pat Wilson as nerdy sweater-wearing academic; Rivers as Paul Simon-esque mustachioed cowboy wimp; and bassist Scott Shriner as Johnny Knoxville white trash rocker. The reason it works so well is that these four characters look like they'd never even be seen in the same room together, let alone the same band! Let alone the same shitty band! But enough of my opinions; nobody reads record reviews for opinions. Here then are some facts:

FACT: "The Greatest Man That Ever Lived (Variations On A Shaker Theme)," though boasting a few truly nauseating passages, is nevertheless one of the most progressive and ambitious pop singles since "Good Vibrations." With no awkward segues or audible breaks, the song travels from idiotic hip-hop ("Soon I'll be playin' in your underwear"!?) TO thick heavy rock TO strummy light rock TO a reverbed choir of beautiful vocals TO falsetto singing over a piano TO a bouncy part TO standard Weezer grunge-pop TO - oh! Will it never end? Again, not every segment is a winner and some of the lyrics are just grotesque, but you must hear this song -- if only to hear Weezer do something interesting for once!

FACT: They saved the two most memorable and emotionally resonant songs for the very end of the record. Until then, it's a depressingly inconsistent mixture of catchy chord changes and vomitous hipster posing - all mixed super-slick to fit between The Plain White T's and Sheryl Crow in your local family restaurant's rotten playlist (particularly "Thought I Knew," since they stole the verse hook from Ms. Crow's "Soak Up The Sun" in the first place).

FACT: There are some incredibly gorgeous full-band multi-vocal harmonies to be found herein. Not nearly enough though, considering it's one of their key strengths as a band.

FACT: "Heart Songs" is the most embarrassing piece of musico-nostalgic schlock I've heard since The Righteous Brothers' "Rock & Roll Heaven." Go download it now. It includes lyrics like "Eddie Rabbitt sang about how much he loved a rainy night/Abba, Devo, Benatar were there the day John Lennon died." All sung completely straight-faced. As many lackluster songs as this band has produced, none have ever been as all-encompassingly putrid as this one.

FACT: Many of this record's lyrics seem not just self-referential but downright smug about Weezer's importance to the world of music. Perhaps these are intended as ironic, but they just come across as loathsome. Here are examples from a few different songs:

"In Act 1, I was struggling to survive
Nobody wanted my action dead or alive
Act 2, I hit the big time
And bodies be all up on my behind
And I can't help myself because I was born to shine
And if you don't like it, you can shove it
But you don't like it, you love it"

"I picked up a guitar
What does that signify?
I'm gonna play some heavy metal riffs
And you will die!"

"Got together with my bros
In some rehearsal studios
Then we played our first rock show
And watched the fan base start to grow
Signed the deal that gave the dough
To make a record of our own
The song come on the radio
Now people go
'This is the song'"

"Everyone likes to dance
To a happy song
With a catchy chorus and beat
So they can sing along
Timbaland knows the way
To reach the top of the charts
Maybe if I work with him
I can perfect the art"

Okay, now that last one I know to be ironic because it was apparently Rivers' reaction to Geffen telling him that his originally submitted CD didn't have enough potential hit singles on it. However, I've included it here because it demonstrates Rivers' inability to admit (or recognize?) that he is not "above" writing happy songs with catchy choruses that sound designed for radio success; in fact, it's all he fucking writes!!! Believe me, Geffen was not telling him that these songs were too 'difficult' or 'clever' for radio success; they were trying to be polite about the fact that they're too SHITTY to be hits!

The most interesting result of Weezer sucking so badly now is that their first two records (both good solid pop-rock records, but no great shakes) are now being remembered as Untouchable Timeless Masterworks. Trust me - they're not!

Reader Comments

By the way, I would like to apologize for praising Ms. Crow's C'mon C'mon album to the nines. Sure, it's great that she produced the whole album (except the singles) by herself, but it's no modern classic. It's wonderful that she played two-thirds of the instruments, but it's no Beck's Odelay. It's exceptional that she wrote some decent mellow material for a change, but it's no Klaus Schulze's Irrlicht. It's orgiasticlaly awesome tha blooey.

New paragraph. WHat I mean to say is that I have a headache, and that I never intend to listen to Weezer's red album unless I go to a really boring party attended by boring people who have it on because apparently there's like no other power pop bands in modern music except for Weezer (because they get played on TV and other bands do NOT). However, I do have to say that half the lyrics you ridicule above do seem pretty fricking funny. So what if they're not ironic? Let's just pretend they are, and never drink more than three shots of vodka in rapid succession again. Yeah, I'll admit, it does raise your body temperature by about five degrees per shot. On the other hand, it's eighty degrees outside.

The first Weezer album was my favorite CD as a lad of 12. I bought Pinkerton when it came out and, although I found the first half a little sketchy, I was pleasantly caught off guard because Pinkerton didn't follow the formula of the first album.

The problem with everything I've heard by Weezer since then is that it DOES follow a formula. The red album is another triumph of mediocrity; the melody to "The Greatest Man That Ever Lived" sounds so close to "Pink Triangle" that one can't help but notice how good that song was and how average this one is. Song after underwhelming song, the album plays it safe--a disc without risk.

Rivers Cuomo knows better than to play it safe. He demonstrated this on Pinkerton, which hinted at a direction that was comparatively noncommercial and (sometimes embarrassingly) introspective. Even if Cuomo's musical self-examination influenced hordes of intolerably self-indulgent emo acts, it yielded far more substantive results than the shamelessly bland pop to which Weezer has since resigned itself.

Rivers Cuomo is smart. He's a talented songwriter who is fully capable, financially AND intellectually, of all kinds of studio experimentation. So what's holding back his spirit of adventure? Matt Sharp (Weezer's original bassist) was wise to depart before the band jumped the shark so pitifully.

Man, I couldn't imagine anything less interesting to me than listening to this album. Rather than go through the trouble of illegally downloading it to hear for myself, I'm going to make a bold psychic prediction: this album will be fucking boring.

The Weezer phenomenon is interesting; does anyone remember in the late 90s when it was cool to like Weezer in the punk scene? For awhile it was about as cool for mainstream "alternative rock" fans to like Weezer as it was to like The Presidents of the United States of America or whoever. But to hipsters, Weezer then became cool in a convuluted sort of way; it was cool because they were this band that mainstream fans wouldn't go anywhere near anymore. It also didn't hurt that Weezer perfectly fit in with the ultra-wimpy contrived nerd emo image that was the big trend in the late 90s punk scene.

Those two Weezer albums were good, and the fact that mainstream people considered them to be officially uncool to like made them seem even more attractive to certain people who have knee-jerk reactions to the mainstream. During this period, it was cool that you could go to the used record store and get those two really good albums for $1 from the bottom-of-the-barrel-Hootie-bin. That's definitely how I got introduced to them. I had been into punk rock for a couple years and the internet wasn't omnipresent like it is now, so in order to get anything I was interested in hearing I had to either go through mailorder or somehow manage to find rare gems in the local music stores. I was always on the lookout for anything even remotely acceptable that was only a buck. Once I got on the internet around 97, I found out on alt.punk that it was a cliche to be a punk rocker who liked Weezer. People were constantly praising Weezer on the alt.punk message board, and I actually remember participating in a long "name your favorite Weezer" thread. If I had to guess, I'd say that phenomenon can be traced back to a certain point when lots of people across the country thought that $2 for the Weezer discography seemed like a pretty swell deal.

Lots of people flaunted their Weezer fandom back then. It was textbook ironic hipster bullshit. One thing I noticed is that ever since Weezer made a comeback, hipsters no longer praise Weezer. The mystique is gone. This whole new generation picked up on the idea that Weezer is supposedly cool to like, but they aren't aware that the original reason why it was ever cool for hipsters to like Weezer is because of just how inherently uncool the band was after their second album bombed.

It bothered me at first but, now, I am absolutely pleased as punch that so few people actually understand and appreciate the new Weezer disc. While everyone else pines away for the so-called glory days of the first two albums, the rest of us are enjoying the band's new directions and ideas (Rivers no longer writing from the victim-of-love perspective, the other guys singing and writing, grandiose epic pieces, a ridiculous moustache).

Not only is this possibly the greatest Weezer album (time will tell), but it's easily the best album released at all in the past few years. I don't remember being this blown away by new music since the one-two punch of Green Day's "American Idiot" and Brian Wilson's "Smile" in September of 2004 – an interesting coincidence, since one can hear shades the former in "Troublemaker" (which sounds almost nothing like Everclear, thank you) and the latter in "Dreamin'". Yet, both sparkle with punchy originality.

Elsewhere, aside from Cake-like "Pork and Beans" and "Thought I Knew" which sounds like Tom Petty-meets-"Soak Up the Sun" (I'll give you that one, Prindle), very little on this album sounds like anything or anyone else, not even Weezer.

And that's not a bad thing. Granted, "Heart Songs" is way too schmaltzy for its own good, but if you want to hear "Pinkerton", listen to "Pinkerton". This album is for people who want to hear a band performing at the top of their game without resting on their laurels musically. Here's hoping that Weezer continues to grow, even while everyone else insists on staying the same.

. . . Boy is MY face red. Damn you Weezer and your myriad colors.

Sorry, Mark, but I'm going to have to (to my own surprise) agree with the Daniel Galioto fellow above. This is clearly the best album I've heard from this band. And I think it's because unlike their other discs, they clearly construct it as a whole, rather than "three hits in a sea of shit", as they say. "Heart Songs" comes perilously close to sucking, true, but other than that, not a single track seems particularly higher or lower than the rest. It's not so much the melodies that work for me (that's never been really their strongest suit, despite what all their fans repeatedly claim over and over), but more a we're-actually-trying-to-make-an-LP-experience-that's-not-all-three-minute-songs-and-dumb-hooks thing. Plus "Angel and the One"--good God, that's a devastating tune. And it's right at the end. Excellent sequencing, boys! (for ONCE)

Drawbacks: The lead single literally has a two-note melody, "Dreamin" re-writes the chord sequence from "Why Bother", and "Angel and the One" blatantly steals from Wilco. Other than that, it's one helluva disc. Way to go, boys! (FINALLY, that is)

However, their next album sucks the hot dog. Burn it in public places.

Add your thoughts?

Christmas With Weezer EP - iTunes 2008
Rating = 4

Personally I'd rather spend Christmas with a bag of dirt than Weezer, but this release offers not that kind option. This time around, Rivers "Talentless Man With A Mustache" Cuomo and his gang of who-gives-a-shit throw their boring arms around six once-beloved Christmas carols, pumping them full of all the energy and creativity of their last three terrible albums.

Weezer adds nothing to these songs, simply using their rock instruments to perform humorless and unimaginative covers. The guitars are fuzzy and play nothing but chords. The tempos are slow, even when they add Ramones beats to "Hark The Herald Angels Sing" and "O Come All Ye Faithful." The vocals are double-tracked but not harmonized, tuneful but by-the-numbers, smooth but bored-sounding. If there is any enjoyment to be found here, it is because these songs are so inherently pretty that even the most lackadaisical version is bound to bring a nostalgic tear to the eye. But why do we need to hear them by Weezer!?

Here are just a few of the superior artists who have already performed this material:

"Silent Night" - The Dickies,

Sorry, I just got an important assignment so I'm not going to complete this list. You wouldn't want to read it anyway, ADMIT IT YOU!

Instead, I'll conclude this review with something I just found on my hard drive. Written over a decade ago, it's a list of 'song descriptions' that I wrote about 10 years ago to accompany a compilation of godawful Low-Maintenance Perennials outtakes that was eventually just added to the 9-disc Penultimate Dystopia of Obsession box set. If you're one of the few who actually paid money for that horrible non-release, you'll know these songs. If not, just know that they're terrible, and enjoy the complete lies I made up about them. I can't believe I devoted so much time to this. Look how LONG this is!

The Lost World

“Teeth” - This was a wondrous reunion between us three. We had been feuding on and off during the 25 years since we’d recorded Chicago XX, as heard on many of our solo hits, including Matt’s “I Fucking Hate Mark Prindle,” and Christian’s Top Ten smash “I Wish I Could Bring Elma Dee Back To Life So I Could Kill Him Again.” But we set aside our differences so that we could again bring joy to the hearts of millions with a slight reworking of an unreleased gem entitled “Teeth.” Meant for inclusion on the TAMARA LP, this wonderful tune was left in the can to make room for “Dick,” and didn’t see the light of day until this wonderful compilation was conceived. The original tracks were a little more rough and unpolished than our fans are used to, so we brought in the finest producer working in rock and roll today, Jeff Lynne, to sweeten the smooth soul sounds and prepare a final product worthy of the Lump name. The band discussion included at the end of the track was inadvertantly left on the master by a former recording engineer. We were just kidding around! Any differences we may have had in the past have been smoothed over. It’s all water under the bridge now. I wish those guys nothing but the best of luck.

“A Cow” - This was one of the first songs I ever wrote. I penned the lyrics during a brief sojourn to India in the late ‘30s, and later wrote and performed the music by myself in a veranda in Detroit. Later some piles of human shit ripped off my melody and made a bundle off of it, but anybody who knows anything about rock and roll knows goddamned motherfucking well that I created the genre with this track. It’s about a particularly tasty hamburger I had in Bombay.

“Buttmunch” - Before we recruited him for the band, Matt was a novelty artist working under the name Diarrhea Jim. This was one of his funniest tracks. Still, all these years later, I pee all over my leg every time I hear it.

“Daylight Symphony Movement One” - I was the baddest rock ‘n’ roller that ever lived, and Matt was the funnyman, but we needed a musical genius in the band too. As evidenced by this track, that genius was clearly Mr. Christian Burns Smith. Is there a man, woman or child alive who can listen to this track in its entirety without breaking down? I hope not, because that would only serve as evidence that there is no God.

“Trains” - As most fans know, Patrick Ku was the original mastermind of the band. But he was also way too heavy into acid. For a while, we got a thrill out of watching his creative juices shoot into high gear every time he touched his tongue to a battery, but that innocent joy soon turned into nightmarish notgooditude when he began to enter a strange dream world from which he soon found himself unable to return. This was one of his finest creations, a stripped-down blast of maniacal verve. This was take 27. Most of the others are available on the black market -- if you're not afraid to venture into Harlem. Ha! Little "black" joke for you there.

“Hey” - Our first hit single. Growing up in Melbourne, Oregon and not even ever DREAMING that I’d see the day when men would scream and chase my car, and old ladies would tattoo my penis on their face, the success of “Hey” came as quite a shock. To all of us really. Especially since it wasn’t really a song at all. Patrick was just yelling to get our attention, and a crafty engineer captured it all on tape and sold 2,000,000 copies the next day. I must admit that even though it certainly seemed like filler at time, this number has a riff that’ll cut through glass, even after all these years. A Lump concert just isn’t complete without an encore of “Hey.” Bless you, Patrick Ku, wherever you are.

“You Guys” - The final song recorded by the original line-up, before Patrick disappeared for good. Fans have for years debated the assorted emotions that permeate this track to its core. Is it a sorrowful song? A celebratory anthem? An angry scream of self-righteous rage? Well, I was there, so take it from me, a first hand observer and participant - it was a long time ago and none of us really remember it at all.

“Stereoness” - The first song attempted by the post-Ku line-up, this semi-obscure near-classic was performed during a lengthy stretch (four years) when Christian, Matt and I forgot that you are supposed to use instruments to create music. We knew that we weren’t getting the sound we wanted, but we couldn’t figure out the reason why. The instruments lay in the corners of the room gathering dust, as we for some reason mistook them for houseplants and filing cabinets. This was a very sad period, and not terribly productive at all. Sometimes a performer will forget what instruments are for - Elton John, for example - but the odds of an entire BAND forgetting all at the same time? They must be astronomical! Accordingly, the stock market took a huge plunge and IBM went out of business until Matt recognized his tambourine.

“Dr. Sjoblom” - Elma Dee wrote this veiled reference to Dr. Theodore Slomjob (pronounced “Blmsjoo”), a despicable old creep who introduced our impressionable young drummer to the deadly art of chewing leafless tobacco, a habit which slowly but surely mushroomed into the overpowering marijuana addiction that killed him and broke up the band. The rest of us hated the song, but Elma insisted that we record it with the London Philharmonic Orchestra. I know it was a hit and all, but what about morals? I can’t even sing this song in the shower, it makes me feel so filthy. Four months after we recorded the song, Dr. Slomjob was found dead in my closet of 27 apparently self-inflicted blows to the back of the head.

“Happy In The Summertime” - Christian wrote this ballad. It’s based on a bizarre dream he had in which he was in high school about to take a test he hadn’t studied for, his teeth were falling out, and he realized he wasn’t wearing clothes. This info was all included in the second verse, which was eventually cut to get the song down to a reasonable length for radio play.

“Colors” - For about four days, Matthew Terrebonne’s sister joined the band. But I don’t abide racists and I never will. Christian wrote this song, and it became an instant hit eighteen months later!

“I Wanna Make A Movie About Chocolate” - Chris Noble was a sometimes in/sometimes out member, much like Bill Clinton’s penis. Ha ha ha! Oh me. Ha ha ha! Hang on, hang on…

Ha ha ha! Stop the tape for a second…

Ha ha ha! Okay, okay - ha ha ha! This was a country/western tune written in honor of the man responsible for the finest motion picture ever made - Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. That man was actually the subject of an entire 75-hour rock opera we put together in 1971 under the pseudonym of “The Oak Ridge Boys,” but that’s for hunters and gatherers to seek out. I personally will never forget that man and the influence that his work had on my life, and that of my peers. Bless you, talented man, whenever you are.

“I Hate Bad Things” - In 1992, we were beaten up and robbed as we were leaving the studio during the “Stupid is Such a Broad Term” sessions. After they had taken our wallets, the thieves took some time out to record this song while we lay on the ground outside. About three and a half hours later, the police showed up for a routine drug bust and apprehended the suspects, who were sentenced to die in the electric chamber. Out of the 46 takes they’d left behind, this was the most emotional performance of their song, so we released it as a single two weeks later. It was number one on the Billboard chart for 306 weeks. This song alone put five of my illegitimate children through college. Bless you, dead thieves, wherever you are.

“The Legendary Clueless Tape” - For years, it was thought that this was simply a two-minute excerpt from a much longer interview with the band members, but, as I revealed in my 1995 autobiography, “Prindle: More Talented Than Everybody Else,” it was actually pieced together from a mere four SECONDS of tape. In 1971, a crafty recording engineer captured me on tape saying, “Give me back my crack cocaine, Kathy Lee Gifford!,” and spent hours dubbing, splicing, reworking and altering the tones and pitch of my voice to make it sound like a conversation between four different people. It was really incredible, to be honest with you, so we invited him to join the band. That recording engineer was none other than TV’s Pat Sajak, who played sarod and back-up viola during our whirlwind “Not Wearing Any Clothes” tour of ’72.

“Suck My Root” - We threw this one on here just for shits and grins. This was a radio jingle we wrote for Arby’s in 1954. We were virtual unknowns at the time, which is why it only made it to #136 on the Billboard charts. The strange voice singing lead on this track was the CEO of ArbyCorp., Bobcat Goldthwaite. We were total sell-outs from the getgo, and that never changed, thank God.

“Fuck You Very Much” - Paul of Peter, Paul and Mary wrote this one for us. Pity about Paul. He was always the most talented one. Had he not had those other two hack clingers-on dragging him down, he might have been one of the most important forces in the music business. We liked Paul a lot. We had sex with Peter more often, but Paul was the one we respected. Listen to the poetry in these lyrics. You don’t find that kind of inspiration anymore. Certainly not on a Smashing Pumpkins album.

“Abundance of Hotness” - An avante-garde piece recorded in the desert. We had no musical instruments, so we worked to get the most guitaresque noises we could out of a couple of stranded tourists. One of the coolest things about being a rock star is that you can pretty much murder or mutilate anybody you want, and nobody will suspect you. Ha ha!

“Vitiated Scoria” - This was an accident. The song as I wrote it was ACTUALLY called “Virginia Slims” and was an ode to a really skinny woman I met in Nebraska, but I was more than a little strung out on fishing lures when I scrawled it down on a few scraps of wrapping paper, so Christian misunderstood entirely. I attempted to correct him in the studio, but with the high cost of recording in those days (this was 1986 - back when you only had ONE chance to record on a piece of acetate, and if you made a mistake, you were stuck with it!), we decided to leave it as is. It held the number nine spot on the gospel charts for six weeks before it was forced up to number eight by “He’s Got The Whole World In His Penis” by The Dave Clark Five.

“Lern To Spel” - As a hilarious prank, we invited a little retarded kid to come and record a song with us. Get this - first of all, the idiot little shit wrote this godawful song about puppies where every tenth word was spelled wrong, so we kicked his fucking ass around the joint and told him we were going to rape his mother and bury her alive in the backyard if he didn’t learn to spell really fucking quickly. Then we turned on the tape and captured his stupid little retard whining. Then we raped his mother anyway. Ha ha ha ha! No, I’m just kidding. This song was written by me, and sung by Scott Haggard.

“My Green Card” - Christian wrote this corrido about the oppression of the Mexican immigrant. Bruce Springsteen guest stars on trombone. Not many people know this, but Bruce doesn’t actually play the trombone on any of his recordings. He brings in studio musicians. He’s really a TERRIBLE trombone player! It’s a sad state of affairs when the most highly-respected trombonist in the country can’t even play his own instrument, that’s all I have to say.

“Core” - Capturing the Lump in a playful mood, this is one of our most beloved hilarious singalongs. No picnic is complete without a rousing round of “Core.” We really DID have a great time making novelty records like this one, mostly because of Windex.

“Gorbachev Has A Stupid Birthmark” - For seven months in 1981, Christian became the Secretary of Defense for Ronald Reagan, a Lump fan from way back. He did his best to lobby for a long-overdue nuclear assault on the Soviet union, but ol’ Mr. Liberal in the Oval Office would have none of it. Finally, Christian resigned in a huff, and angrily penned the hit single, “Duodenum.” Seven years earlier, we recorded “Gorbachev” as a B-side and it didn’t chart.

“GHP” - A bonafide hardcore classic. The rage, the bitter, drug-fueled violence and wrath, the filth and bile, the uncontrollable ire of a generation out of control. It was originally by Bob Seger, but we recorded this cover version in 1977. Note the harmony vocals in the left speaker - that’s Linda McCartney!

“Can Dick Save Wang?” - I wrote this song for the soundtrack of a 1990 60 Minutes episode involving the troubles of the then-struggling Wang Laboratories. I submitted it to Harry Reasoner on several different occasions under about a dozen different pseudonyms, but he never called me back. This was during the lean years of the Lump reign, back when we couldn’t BUY a hit for less than fifty bucks. I thought I could count on America’s sweetheart to help us out and give us a break when we really needed one, but unfortunately, Harry turned out to be a fair-weather friend. I’ll never forget how I cried that night. This was several months before Harry signed on to be a roadie during our whirlwind “Wearing Nothing But A Fig Newton” tour of 1991.

“I Wanna Have Jackie Mason From The Rear” - Elma Dee wrote this one about a torrid affair she had with Jewish comedian Jackie Mason in 1962. As Jackie was concentrating on the most demanding role of his career, co-starring as the gas station owner who hires Steve Martin in The Jerk, the romance took a back seat and Elma was absolutely devastated. There are few songs that capture true heartbreak like this one, penned during a mad depression that grabbed ahold of her and never really let go until she turned to tobacco and marijuana near the end of the decade. While Elma spent a few weeks in a clinic battling suicible tendancies, Matt, Christian and I decided to record the song with Brian Feeney on vocals. True to form, Brian completely read the lyrics wrong and made us laugh really hard. It was so funny, we didn’t even bother trying to re-record it. To this day, I cannot for the life of me remember the actual words to the song. I remember them being really good, though.

“Look What I Saw On My TV” - This was another one written by Elma one night when he supposedly observed Ed Asner sitting on George Bush’s face on national television. None of the rest of us saw it, but Elma insists that he wasn’t hallucinating. Coincidentally, Christian had written a fictional song with the exact same lyrics four hours earlier, but he had left it on his desk in his room, so there’s no way Elma could have seen it. To stop his whining, we credited Elma with having penned the lyrics although, to this day, we have yet to figure out the secret behind this bizarre mystery. This single was number one on the R & B charts for 19 years.

“He Knows” - An absolute masterpiece. Undoubtedly the finest song we ever recorded. So many volumes have been written about its nooks and crannies, anything I could say in this forum would only be redundant. I don’t think anybody would argue with me if I were to unabashedly declare this “the most perfect song ever written by anybody, including God.” Interesting side note - that jangly sound is me pissing on my guitar.

“Crank Up The Jalopy” - We never thought we’d convince U2’s Bono to sing lead on this track, but with a little flattery and a LOT of blackmail, sure enough he visited the Lump Studios in Pinewood to lay down some angelic harmonies on what was to be the most poorly received Lump single of all time, selling only ten copies. We were going to press another ten copies, but none of us really liked Bono at all, and we wanted to see him fail, even if it meant that WE would fail in the process. Eventually, bootleggers got hold of the master tape and replaced Bono’s voice with a half-hearted Scott Haggard guide vocal that was still on one of the tracks. The version included on this compilation, however, is the original Bono version.

“One Two” - It shames me to admit it, but we pulled this track from a collection of tapes that Matt Murray stole from Jimmy Page’s basement in 1987. Apparently the songs were meant for a solo album, which was later released as OUTRIDER. This was by far the finest song on any of the tapes. I’m still baffled as to why it was left off of the final version of OUTRIDER - I can only assume that Jimmy found himself unable to recreate the lightning-speed solos that made his version such an astounding treat. In the interest of brevity, we left the solos out of our version, and replaced the melody and lyrics with the line “One, two, fuck you.” I’m still not sure why he didn’t sue. “One Two” held the number one spot on the Billboard “Adult Contemporary” Charts between 3:45 and 4:15 PM on January 17th, 1988.

“Elma Dee” - One of the very few Lump songs featuring lead vocals by our esteemed drummer, “Elma Dee” was, unbeknownst to most fans, actually recorded with an acoustic guitar and full choir. In a rare burst of experimental fortitude, we wired the entire STUDIO through a distortion pedal, resulting in the unparalleled fuzztone and feedback you hear during these astonishing 37 seconds of glorious hedonistic cacophony. The entire city of Philadelphia was left without electricity or water for five months afterwards, only serving to further cement its reputation as “the most miserable hellhole on the planet Earth.”

“Another One” - This stirring mood piece was based upon and intended to be a companion piece to Ayn Rand’s “The Fountainhead.” Following months of rehearsals, bitter internal squabbles, and numerous personnel changes (Christian resigned in a huff and was quickly replaced by J. Geils Band’s Seth Justman, Elma was deemed unfit to record and was replaced by a parrot in a cardboard box, I fired Matt and brought in Micky Dolenz to play lead guitar, and finally Seth Justman felt that it would be in the best interest of the project to replace me with three former members of Kansas), we laid down a stunning version of the tune live to 400-track. While overdubbing a backwards “dog barking” noise, we accidentally erased most of the song, leaving only this curt, unpleasant intro, which served as the soundtrack to the hit Broadway musical comedy, “Hey Fountainhead! Don’t Stop Spraying Water!” for an eight-month run in 1985.

“Forest For The Trees” - This was possibly the finest performance of my career. In a rare turn as lead guitarist, I carry the song through a variety of moods and textures that can only be described as “spiritual.” Travelling from octave to octave with no regard or need for the time/space continuum, I entered a zone of limitless possibility. My guitar was no longer a mere piece of plastic with three pieces of dental floss strung across the neck - it was a conduit for the exuberance and sorrow of the cosmos. I feel so blessed to have been given the musical gift necessary to bring the notes of the Gods into the world on that hallowed day. Christian too was granted a lyrical voice more moving than anything dreamt of on heaven or Earth. “You can’t see the forest,” he implored, “for the trees.” And you know? He was right. You CAN’T see the forest for the trees. Bless you, Christian Burns Smith, wherever you are. Unfortunately, we never released this track because Matt’s main melody sucked the goo clear out of my ball sac. What a fucking cock. Fuck you, Matthew Terrebonne, you talentless cunt, wherever you are, you fucking dick.

“Camphorated Tincture Of Opium” - I don’t think this was us. I found it at the end of a dubbed copy of Pink Floyd’s MEDDLE that was sitting in the back of my car. Whoever it is, this is a great song! Having been 95% responsible for introducing this song to the world when I put it at the end of our 1973 LOOK! MY FINGER’S POKING YOU IN THE EYE! concept album (the entire album was recorded in 3D, a pretty radical experiment at the time), I feel perfectly justified crediting the song to myself. I mean, yes, the song was definitely INSPIRED in part by the original artists who wrote and recorded it, but the placement and presentation of the track was pure Low-Maintenance Perennials.

“Don’t Molest The Bulldog Anymore” - I’m not going to lie to you. In spring of 1990 (I believe it was October), Bryan Feeney became a born-again Christian. As expected, we felt completely uncomfortable around him from that moment on, and tried to avoid him at all costs, as he was constantly quoting the stupid Bible and shit. “Don’t Molest” was one of the most blatantly preachy songs that he wrote during this period, and not a one of us (especially Elma, a devout Presbyterian) felt comfortable performing it, but we didn’t want to raise his ire, so we played along. True to form, Brian completely read his lyrics wrong and made us laugh really hard. It was so funny, we didn’t even bother trying to re-record it. Though I don’t recall the actual lyrics of the song, I remember that the original title was something like “Walk With the Lord, and Ye Shall Enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

“New Shoes” - Popular entertainer Andy Williams penned this tune for a special guest appearance on our tribute album, YOU MAY BE OLD, BOB HOPE, BUT YOU’RE NOT DEAD YET SO QUIT PEEING ON MY CARPET. Even at the time, we weren’t sure what the whole “shoe” concept was meant to allude to, since Mr. Hope hadn’t been able to wear shoes for a good six years previous. Months later, we were informed that Andy had simply been using our charity release as a means to “get back in touch with the kids” and further his career. Sure enough, “New Shoes” topped the Billboard “Hardcore Punk” chart for fourteen months, and Andy was awarded MTV’s “New Artist of the Year” for 1995. He’s yet to follow up on his success, though, and it’s pretty clear that he can’t do it without the Lump. All instruments and vocals on “New Shoes” were performed by Andy Williams.

“Sh!” - This was just a stupid old joke. The teacher says, “Shhh!” and some smart aleck replies “It!” It happened numerous times in every elementary school I ever attended and probably still does. We followed up this smash A-side with a number of like-minded tunes, including “Fu!,” “Assho!,” and “Blow it out your Cunt, You Douche-Sucking Ass-Fucking Son-Of-A-Bi!” Each of the songs was a bigger hit than the last, and by the end of the decade, we collectively owned every piece of currency in North America.

“Drumbeat for ‘Food For Thought, Nutrition To Spare’” - This was the original and, in my opinion, most powerful version of “Food for Thought,” a huge hit from our 1991 Work Bench Drawer LP. To this day, I still don’t understand why the freaking record label execs made us add guitars and vocals. Don’t these supple drumpounds say all that there is to say? Anything else is too much. You know what they say - too many chefs spoil the broth! That’s exactly what happened here. Carlos Santana and Gerry Rafferty were brought in to help make the song more “radio-friendly,” and the next thing you know, we have yet another generic mushy love song. Fuck that fucking shit. This original version had balls! Finally the world will see what the Perennials have known all along - melodies and lyrics are no substitute for good old-fashioned elbow grease.

“Jello, Iced Tea And A Slab Of Fried Okra” - The Lump have always been experimental, from our early days as Elvis’ backing band (we were the ones who convinced him to change “You ain’t nothin’ but my woman” to “You ain’t nothin’ but a hound dog,” a hilarious dog-fucking reference that singlehandedly slammed the tight-zippered morality of 1950s Middle America down the poopchute where it belonged) to this beauty, an early version of “Jello” that we recorded inside a cruise missile during the Gulf War. After gaining permission from President George Bush (the finest leader the free world has ever known), we climbed into a missile with our producer Robert John “Mutt” Lange and let loose like a goose! The entire track was recorded while we were plummeting through Iraqi airspace towards a crowded elementary school. The strange and abrupt ending marks the point when Robert John “Mutt” Lange accidentally hit “pause” right before the guitar solo. We never got to try this experiment again, which is just as well since our impact made Robert John “Mutt” Lange’s testicles lodge themselves tightly inside his rectum, where they remain to this day.

“I Dig Red Hot Chili Peppers” - An outtake from the “Lump with a real drummer” sessions (the highlight of Work Bench Drawer, and responsible for seven number one singles), this recording features guest appearances by all six members of the Red Hot Chili Peppers, who were recording the follow-up to Mother’s Milk at the same studio where we were piecing Work Bench Drawer together. We didn’t realize that the Peppers were there until one day when they all arrived at the studio naked except for socks on their penises. In a strange turn of events, all three of us Perennials had independently arrived wearing nothing but condoms on our feet, so it only seemed fitting that we perform a few tunes together. They helped us with bass and back-up vocals on this tune, and we wrote and performed BloodSugarSexMagick in its entirety for them.

“Overpass” - Thanks to a huge mixture of speed, heroin, pot, coke, liquor, downers, acid, crack, angel dust, tobacco and firearms, I was almost completely incapacitated throughout the entire Work Bench Drawer session. This take is one of 455 identical versions of “Overpass” recorded during a week when I could have sworn we were testing the studio microphone. The rest of the band later explained to me that not only were we actually TRACKING the entire time, but we had gotten a solid version of “Overpass” months earlier. The song that we were SUPPOSED to be playing was a cover of “Don’t Pay The Ferryman,” to be included on an all-star Chris De Burgh tribute album. To this very day, they’re STILL holding up release of that record until we turn in our track. Eek! Another reunion, anyone?

“A Word I Just Made Up (Live)” - If you listen closely, you can hear me saying things like “Something’s wrong….” and “What’s wrong with my….?” near the end of this number. It turned out that I had accidentally broken my amp, and couldn’t perform another song. Sadly, this was right after the first song of our special “Concert for the Queen of England” at the Royal Albert Hall, which was being recorded for a highly-anticipated concert album and video release. Since we had signed a contract, the album and video (both entitled “Frampton Comes On Margaret Thatcher’s Hairy Ass”) were both released, but the three full hours of Matt and Christian performing acapella sea shanties while I tried to shake my amp into working order turned out to not be the most well-received project we’d ever released. In fact, this track only made it to number five on Billboard’s “Death Metal” chart, and the rest of the LP didn’t fare much better.

“Soap” - People who aren’t idiots will notice very quickly that this track is identical to the version that appeared on Condom? What Condom?, with only one major difference - this one was recorded fourteen years earlier by an entirely different incarnation of the band (Patrick Ku, Bryan Feeney, Robert Fripp, and Bill Bruford). Other than that, you could pretty much place the two versions into a double-cassette player, hit “play” at the same time and jam a bottle of mustard up your father’s vas deferens, for all I give a fuck, you cock douche.

“Special Report” - This was a “blooper.” Matt and I accidentally plugged our guitars into the oven, and Christian overdubbed the vocals while listening in headphones to the entirely WRONG song (“Pac-Man Fever” by Buckner and Garcia). We used to make flub-ups like that all the time! Did you know that “Stupid Is Such A Broad Term” was recorded while we were all in entirely different bands? Some greedy shithead record producer (Steve Albini) layered a bunch of tracks from our individual projects onto the same tape, made up some song titles and released it as an official Lump album just to make some quick cash. The “rockin’” opera was, in fact, an outtake from Nirvana’s In Utero LP. Fucking producers. All they do is FUCK ya! To be honest, that wasn’t a very good example of a “flub-up” at all. Hmm. Oh, I know! How about that time in “Yam City” when I almost dropped my pick? Ha ha! That was awesome!

“Okay, I’ll Tell You The Truth (Unplugged)” - From our never-aired performance on MTV Unplugged. As anybody who was there will be the first to tell you, we put on a terrific performance, playing over 35 stirring reprises of “A Word I Just Made Up” and becoming the first group to play its entire Unplugged set with really loud distorted electric guitars. Actually, now that I think about it, this tune wasn’t from that show at all. If I’m not mistaken, this was an outtake from our 1991 “Sissy Fag Music for Pussies” EP. If I AM mistaken, then it’s the B-side of our 1983 hit single, “Mexican Radio.” Unless that wasn’t us, in which case it was from a tape we recorded in Matt’s bedroom one day while we were forcing a bunch of groupies to give us hand jobs. If there’s one thing that was important to the Low-Maintenance Perennials, it was our nails. Manicures (or “hand jobs,” as we called them) were part of our daily schedule, along with drugs and pussy. If there was one thing that was important to the Low-Maintenance Perennials, it was the health of our pets. If our pussycats were sick, we’d make sure to give them whatever drugs the veterinarian prescribed. We also fucked each other up the ass a lot. If there was one thing that was important to the Low-Maintenance Perennials, it was giving each other moral support (or “fucking each other up the ass,” as we called it, for reasons that are still unclear to me personally). Say, off the record, the other day I touched my special thing and this weird goo came out. Do I have the measels?

“Mike Franklin (Live)” - During our whirlwind “Dressed up in Really Bulky Winter Clothes” tour of 1991, we were constantly fighting and having a row. Things got so bad by the third day of the tour that we stopped communicating entirely, not even bothering to speak with each other about set lists or tuning our instruments or, in fact, what cities we were supposed to be in on what nights. The night that this particular recording was made, Christian and I somehow wound up on stage with guitar virtuoso Eric Johnson, who was trying to do a show of his own and didn’t take too kindly to us trying to force “Mike Franklin” down his throat. Incidentally, Matt Terrebonne was the only one of us who had bothered to memorize the tour schedule, and thus performed the remaining 176 dates by himself, pocketing the entire wad and creating a new reputation of the Low-Maintenance Perennials around the world as “that mumbly guy who sings ballads.”

“Shoe Church” - The long-lost and most-missed original version of one of our most popular standards. I still don’t know what possessed us to hire Phil Spector to mix down this track for us. His version (which appeared on TAMARA and reached number 3 on the Billboard “Reggae” chart) was so watered down with lush strings and back-up vocals (not to mention the fact that he sped up Jennifer Mitchell’s voice to, as he put it, “make her sound really tinny and irritating, like every OTHER record I’ve ever worked on! I’m Phil Spector! Mr. 'Wall of Sound' Bigshot Jackass!”) that it (the song, that is) never (seriously, not ever!) really (honestly, in all honesty) appealed to (we didn’t like it at all! It sucked! And we wrote it!) us (and we wrote it!). This original version is much better, except that Jennifer was shouting so loudly, she drowned the guitars way out. You’d think that with today’s technology and the 1000-track recording studio we were using, we’d have been past problems like that, but apparently this universe is in a greater state of disarray than we ever might have dreamt.

“Glowworm For Your Thoughts, Sweetie (Intro)” - The song (on TAMARA) originally had this lovely intro played twice, but the FCC demanded that we remove the first run-through because it was so very profane. Sell outs that we were, we agreed and the edited track became one of our biggest international hits, selling over 25 billion units in Ethiopia alone. In the spirit of being “as dirty as we wanna be,” we present the uncensored intro here for you for the very first time. Parents be advised: this intro is NOT for children under the age of 21.

“Deck The Cards” - All we were trying to do was perform an emotional blues tune, reminiscent of the finest work by Blind Lemon Jefferson and Robert Johnson, but I just kept making some annoying noise by stomping on my distortion pedal (I thought it was my wah-wah!). It took us several days to figure out the problem, and by that point, Christian had resigned his position as lead singer to study zoology at Cornell. The final version, as heard on TAMARA, wouldn’t be recorded until 17 years later, when Christian decided that college wasn’t for him and rejoined the band.

“Adventures of the Heart” - The version heard on TAMARA was one of our wildest psychedelic experiments, utilizing the primitive studio tools of the day to create a searing wall of murky druggish noise of a sort that had never been heard before. But Rome wasn’t built in a day. This take here was one of our earliest run-throughs of the song, dating from May 1965 when the song was still a blues-based skiffle tune. But with passing time came unparalleled drug use and spiritual enlightenment, and finally, in spring of 1991, we introduced the term “psychedelia” to the world with the insane, mind-expanding version heard on TAMARA. The critics thought we were nuts! We released it as a single, but the audiences just didn’t understand it, and turned their backs on us. Our next project, an avante-garde TV movie entitled “Magical Mystery Tour,” was universally panned as a Beatles movie that had been stolen and had its credits replaced with the line “starring the Low-Maintenance Perennials,” so our reputations were even further tarnished. Luckily, we made the front pages again in 1993 when we began spreading a mysterious rumor that John Lennon was dead. In a bizarre case of life imitating art, John was gunned down in front of his apartment in 1980. What the hell song was I talking about, “Borp The Three-Headed Chicken”? I lost my train of thought. Could you pour me some more marijuana?

“Gann E. Mada” - The most disturbing and sorrowful song in our catalog (aside from “Kerplunkety is a Hell of a Noise”), “Gann E. Mada” features a harrowingly disembodied vocal by former Lump leader Patrick Ku, who had called us up at the studio minutes earlier to request that we allow him to sing a song on our new album. We agreed and started the tape rolling, but Patrick just rambled off some jibberish in a weird made-up language before suddenly being disconnected by me ripping the phone cord out of the wall. Although this song did not make it onto the final version of TAMARA, we kept our promise to Patrick by pulling a 4-second excerpt and entitling it “Collect Call From A Chink,” which was just enough to allow us to put a huge sticker on the front of the CD reading “Featuring Patrick Ku!!!!” The CD sold in the bajillions as old-time fans scrambled to hear the original visionary of the band return the Lump to its former glory. A backlash resulted, but was quickly quashed when we claimed that Patrick wrote and played lead guitar on every single song. When Patrick threatened to go to the press with the truth, we tied him up in a potato sack, beat him with baseball bats until he stopped breathing, and threw his body in the Yangtze River. This is just between me and you - don’t include this in the book.

“Black Hole” - For the longest time, I thought that these lyrics, penned by Christian, were meant as a JOKE, so I kept doing wacky musical things in the background like humming “The Star Spangled Banner” through a kazoo and hiring a marching band to make fart noises through their trombones and stuff. This version here features a hilarious circusy keyboard fun line contributed by Anne-Lori Valentine - one of the most uproarious pieces of music I have ever heard. This version, and the others before it, were never released and eventually Christian made it clear to me that the lyrics weren’t a joke; they just sucked.

“Sonic Butthole Dozer” - There comes a time in every band’s career when the members just stop getting along. It doesn’t necessarily mean FOREVER, but sometimes the members have to branch out on their own and try different sorts of music - you know, work things out independently so that you can come back together to strengthen the unified whole. So in March 1992, I put an ad in the paper reading, “Brilliant guitarist seeks others seeking musical enlightenment.” Two fellows answered the ad, and we recorded six full albums of experimental noise material, most of which were released on various underground jazz labels. Although the two guys certainly looked a little familiar to me, it wasn’t until years later that a band friend pointed out that they were Matt and Christian. And believe me, Matt and Christian were JUST as surprised as I was by that news!

“Depression Lot” - Depression Lot was not initially intended to be a side project. One afternoon in 1982, Matt and I were hanging out and shooting heroines with Pete Williams, a local pimp, when the three of us began making some noise on instruments. Cover tunes, garbage, yelling and other druggy nonsense. Little did we suspect that Christian Smith was perched right underneath the window with a portable 1000-track recording studio, taping every last syllable. Four days later, Christian released the tapes as his own solo album, picking the meaningless “Depression Lot” moniker (a pointless exercise unmatched until Greg Graffin’s “American Lesion” claptrap over a decade later) and selling over 2000 copies in eight minutes. He subsequently quit the Lump and we replaced him with a 6-inch wax figurine that has toured and recorded with us ever since. Because I’m funny, whenever anyone asks me why the project was called “Depression Lot,” I answer, “Because it causes the listener to feel DEPRESSION - a LOT!” Ha ha ha! Ha fuckin’ ha! The excerpt featured here includes a bit of funk and a sprightly cover of Van Halen’s 1986 smash “Why Can’t This Be Love?,” which I must admit is a tad odd considering that we made the tape in ’82. Sometimes the time-space continuum becomes a meaningless ball of yarn when you’ve got enough brown betty wamalam coursing through your eyeball.

“Matt/Mark Avante-Garde Explosion” - Fans weren’t ready for such a radical reworking of the classic Lump anthem, “Blood for the Blood God,” and began burning Matt/Mark Avante-Garde Explosion albums in towns around North America. Things were only compounded when Matt stated in a press conference that the Matt/Mark Avante-Garde Explosion was “bigger than life.” The burning of records escalated to buildings to entire cities, so finally we apologized and the Matt/Mark Avante-Garde Explosion returned to recording everyday fun pop anthems like “Counting Blue Cars” and “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” for the kids to dig before changing our name to “Matchbox 20” in 1994. The Low-Maintenance Perennials never formed and did not exist.

“Chrys ‘N’ The Mums” - A bonafide all-star project in every sense of the word, Chrys ‘N’ The Mums featured me, Christian, Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, Bon Scott, Brian Jones, Ricky Nelson, Patsy Cline, Keith Moon, Michael Hutchence, John Lennon, Elvis Presley, Roy Orbison, Sonny Bono, Kurt Cobain, Sheryl Crowe and Otis Redding on banjo. Over 15 albums were recorded with this line-up between 1954 and 1993, but record company disagreements have resulted in every last one of them lying in cans unheard. Some of the most riveting music ever created by man lies on these tapes, but what are you gonna do? WE don’t even have copies. This track was smuggled out by a sneaky Christian (who infiltrated Capitol Records Studios cleverly disguised as an invisible man), and features the entire line-up at their finest. I play guitar and sing back-up, Christian sings lead, and the others provide ambient emotion.

“Check Everything” - You’d have to ask Christian about this one, since I wasn’t there, but from the sound of things, this is an outtake from Jurassic Park, featuring Matt on bass, me on guitar, and Christian on airplane glue. I clearly recall this recording session because all the music was recorded onto analog tape, transferred to digital while adding five new bass lines, and transferred back onto a warped eight-track cartridge before we cut a CD which separated the song into 50 different tracks, then played the CD on random while pressing a record as it played. The record was then scratched up with a fork, cracked in two and taped back together before we recorded it four times onto different tracks of a four track through various effects, then mixed everything down onto a computer floppy disk, which was then run through a washing machine before being played through a megaphone which was held up to a 78-rpm recording device that recorded the track at the wrong speed, which we corrected by recording the track onto a DAT tape both forwards (from the 78 tape) and backwards (from the original analog) at the same time while Christian and I played an entirely different melody in the background. Finally, every version of the track was handed over to former Yes producer Eddie Offord, who picked the best 4-second portion from each and pieced them together in no particular order to create the masterpiece “Like My Tarts?” “Check Everything,” on the other hand, was recorded solo by Christian while Matt and I were pooping out the window onto passersby.

“Mark Prindle: Rebel DJ” - Sometimes you gotta give something back to the community from which you have stolen so much. For me, that chance came in 1993, when I was given the chance to do a weekly radio show for KROQ in Los Angeles. Going against all convention, I introduced the mainstream to such wildly avante-garde artists as Steely Dan, Rush and Foreigner. This is an excerpt from a night when I debuted an amazing epic recording by a little-known mid-70s outfit called Lead Zepellin. Response was overwhelming, and calls began coming in from all over, asking for songs by this Lead Zepelin outfit. Next thing you know, stations across the country began playing Lead Zeplin, and they became, for a short time, one of the most popular underground bands in America! I was stoked, dude. Maybe they never got the huge success that they deserved, but at least I did my part to ensure that Lead Zepin would influence a whole generation of alternative rockers, from the Sun City Girls to Ronnie James Dio. I then attempted to do the same thing for GG Allin, but seventy-five listeners spontaneously developed fatal brain aneurysms during the stirring second stanza of “Sleeping In My Piss,” and the station manager responded by murdering me with a hacky-sack ball. Luckily, I was brought back to life by the Iranians, whose doctors are light years ahead of the idiots we have over here. Nobody dies in Iran. Except that motherfucking Rushdie. He’ll get his time in Hell or my name’s not Cat Stevens.

“No Cause For Alarm (Live)” - Recorded live at our successful free charity concert, “Handgren Aid,” this version of the biggest smash from Stupid Is A Term Broad features some of the most impressive and surprisingly competent soloing ever heard on a Lump song. It was played by a roadie who picked up my guitar when I ran backstage to pen a quick novella. Imagine my chagrin when I returned to the stage only to discover that I had been fired and replaced by the roadie, none other than the now-legendary Mark Prindle. Honestly I don’t know why you’re asking me about these songs. I haven’t been in the band since 1962.

“The Birth Of Speleology” - Christian and I co-wrote this one. A brief moment of it actually DID appear on the end of side one of Broad is Stupid Term A, but the rest of the song remains unheard until this very day when you put in the tape and became the first person to ever hear it. We’ve never listened to it. Is it any good? Did Eddie Vedder sing back-up like we paid him $45,000 to do?

“Tom Hates Socks (Live)” - From our now-deleted Live at the Hollywood Bowl in Budokan ep, this cool schlabapple features the first ever appearance of a Mexican Jumping Bean in a Lump song. It was bouncing around all through the track, upsetting the poinsettia and driving us into creative spasms of chaotic frenzy. From that day on, we allowed a Mexican Jumping Bean to have its way during every last one of our recording sessions, often singing lead and on more than one occasion playing saxophone on a Don Henley solo album. The thing that most people don’t know about Mexican Jumping Beans is that they have little worms inside them. When you take the worms out, they eat everybody in the room. That’s what happened at the end of this track, and at the end of about 85% of our concerts in the mid-80s.

“Cleanliness Is Next To Godliness” - From my 1989 solo album, NO POCKY FOR LOU BARLOW, this became an enormous hit in Japan, where nobody understands English. In America, I was laughed all the way to the bank, then laughed over to Taco Bell where I had a delightful Chili Cheese Burrito before being laughed back home where I lifted some weights and purchased a barber. Who’s laughing NOW???? Close to nobody.

“I Like Shit” - Ozzy Osbourne once told me, “You can’t go around all the time, cheating and lying. Sometimes you have to just stop running, plant yourself firmly and stand up for what you believe in. That’s why I wrote ‘Fairies Wear Boots’.” I took these words to heart when I penned “I Like Shit,” which most fans know as a raucous thrash funk tune on JURASSIC PARK. Now, finally, fans can hear the song as I had originally intended it - as a heartfelt tribute to Pope John Paul II, the finest bass player that the Yardbirds ever had.

“Dicknose” - Let me make a long story short. Christian pretended to be Patrick Ku, and we didn’t go to prison. About the song itself - the version on JURASSIC PARK is certainly more aesthetically alarming, but admit it - this remix is one of the most fecal and authoritative examples of blatantly extraneous neurological pedophilia heard since the third Lemonheads album. At the end, way way way in the background, you can hear me rip my lower jaw off and throw it across the room.

“Bob Costas” - The instruments played us on this one. They nailed us to a pole in the middle of the studio and rubbed themselves up against us until sounds they liked came out. Christian had it really bad, with that mic stand banging his voicebox around like yesterday’s horoscope. When they were done, they unnailed us and invited us to a disco dance. We would have gone, but we were losing blood at an alarming rate. We rushed to the hot dog stand and shoved a weiner into each hole. Then we went to an all-female elementary school and did the same thing, if you know what I mean. This version is a lovely remix of the original version heard on JURASSIC PARK. The remix was done by Bert, that yellow guy on Sesame Street.

“Acne” - I know it’s hard to tell, but this was a live track recorded during our very final last reunion concert, an impromptu public relations event staged in the basement of a hotel on Madison Avenue. It didn’t garner quite the response we were expecting (i.e. we thought people outside would hear the music, go “Wow! The Low-Maintenance Perennials!” and madly dig up the sidewalk to climb down to where we were playing). Instead, nobody outside heard us, and we only got through about four songs before the management threw us out for disturbing the insurance company on the third floor. That very night, the third floor was mysteriously deleted from the building.

“Acne” - I know it’s hard to tell, but this was an entirely synthesized track created by computers four years after the band had broken up. No human being plays on this track, nor did any human program the computers to write the song. It was a completely spontaneous creation of four Radio Shack Tandy computers that were placed very closely together (a little TOO closely together, as it turns out!). The computers released the track on an LP entitled “The Ventures Play the Low-Maintenance Perennials Catalog,” then toured the world, bringing in more money in three weeks than we’d made in our entire career. We asked them to join our band, but by that point they’d started having internal squabbles, and eventually split up for solo careers, except Dennis DeBurgh, who formed Styx with Tommy Shaw.

“Truck Drivin’ Cowpoke Eisenhower Companion” - God, was this a pain in the ass. But see, back in the late-90s, there WERE no “samplers” or “infinite delay pedals,” so we actually had to round up all the different bands (Bobby Fuller Four, Cars, etc.), bring them into the studio and have them play weirded-out repetitive bits of their hit singles during the appointed times. They all did a decent job, though, eventually (this was take 32,447), except that fucking whore Margie Rayburn. I’ll never forgive that slutty bitch cunt for missing that high A.

“Maybe I Love Her” - An outtake from CHICAGO XX, this was recorded solo by me in about an hour. I did all the voices by manipulating the pitch control as I recorded each overdub. This song was originally on a Mark Prindle solo tape entitled “Electroencephalography” and had a stupid ending about “Maybe I love her ‘cuz she gives me head/Maybe I love her because she’s dead,” so when Christian and I decided to play it live as Chrys ‘N’ The Mums during our big Somber Reptile gig (it would have been a Lump gig, but Matt wasn’t allowed out that late on a school night), we changed the ending. I later played it live as Mark Prindle Huge Rock And Roll Megasensation at Papagayo’s in Chapel Hill, and again it was a big hit. So I figured we should have a good six-track version of it. So that’s what I did! And here it is, one of the best songs on The Lost World.

“Crunchy Death Secrets of the Incas” - Christian wrote this one after the big knife fight in Seattle. Well, the WORDS anyway. I had written the original metallic guitar line shortly before the catshark incident, and Matt had written his little chorus trill around the time of the Lawrence House arrests. The dueling bass lines were a great idea, something that occurred to Christian during the Pygmy Villa riots, and which he later related to me as he waited outside the emergency room following the Mudlands Massacre. The drums on this track were sampled from gunfire and explosions during the Wyatt Ballroom shoot-out, and the ending was later erased from the CHICAGO XX version during a mishap concerning the Chicken Monkey.

“Crime of The Century?” - An edited version of our 17-hour tribute to hardcore legends Supertramp, this was the tune that first captured the imagination of Dick Clark back in ’84, leading to a number of Lump appearances on TV’s Bloopers and Practical Jokes, as well as our legendary performance on The $25,000 Pyramid. Contrary to popular belief, Dick Clark is not an old man who somehow makes himself look like a teenager. He actually wasn’t born until 1981!

“Hymietown” - Penned immediately upon my arrival in America, this was my fond hello to the great melting pot that would become my home. Back in Nazi Germany, we didn’t have all these wonderful pizza parlors and used record shops. Nor did we have great bands like the Ramones and The Low-Maintenance Perennials. At best, we had lots of nice soap and gold. And dead kikes, of course, but I guess that goes without saying. America, and New York City in particular, made me realize quickly enough that, dead kikes or no dead kikes, this was truly the place for me. Oh hell, did I spell “Dad’s kites” wrong again? I still have trouble with the complexities of your language.

“Yawn At That” - Inspired in part by “Your Emotions” by Dead Kennedys, this track is about boredom to the nth degree. And what better way to relieve boredom than to relieve your bowels in the middle of English class? I must have pulled this prank sixty or seventy times during my years at Princeton, and it got a hearty laugh every time. One thing about Ivy League schools that most people don’t know - you don’t have to do any work AT ALL. It’s just a big fun social club. Lots of drinking in class, and sex in P.E. and all kinds of great stuff. Science Class? Euphemism for “Coke Snorting.” In fact, did you know that “Ivy League” is just an anagram for “I’ve ya glue”? The name refers to the annual graduation ritual. The student’s name is called, he walks up to the stage, and the Dean shakes his hand, says, “I’ve ya glue!” and holds a tube of airplane glue up to the student’s nose for a cheap high. After the ceremony, all the students gather on the football field, pick the least popular student, and eat him alive. This is the story of how the Low-Maintenance Perennials formed.

“Lesbians are Fat” - Jack ate three arms twice, ran down the mountain and left his fish on my cat. There’s a very uncle jick there is. Burnt potato lampshade darn it! Cage? Wherefore is mother’s knack? Honk! Hort! His computer left the blappin’ glcks. Rkeanfd edkk dkal ewlk bcva.xl.

“Bunnies” - I’ve written songs about bunnies before; I think we all have. But with bunnies as with life, the more you experience, the more you have to say about the topic. I was on a boating excursion in Norfolk, CT when I ran across a small family of bunnies dwelling in the forest near a stream. I stopped to pet one of the bunnies when I noticed something extraordinary. All of the bunnies - every last one of them, and there must have been around 60 - they ALL had cotton tails! A large number of them were also hopping around in a very bizarre and animalistic manner. I was drawn towards their seemingly hedonistic and id-fulfilling lifestyle and became part of their community, wearing long furry ears and chewing carrots for four months in July of 1975. During this time, I noticed something else interesting about the bunnies. They spoke Vietnamese and weren’t bunnies at all! So I went back home and wrote some piece of shit song - probably “Fax Me a Turtleneck.” If there’s one thing I can’t stand in life, it’s a foreigner who pretends he’s a bunny.

“Hemp Orangutan” - This was a protest song about the unjust imprisonment of hiphop artist Dr. Dre for marijuana possession in May of ’96. It was preposterous, the idea that the mere smoking of a little weed could result in him being treated like some kind of murderer or child molester. That’s bullshit, and indicative of exactly what’s wrong with American society today. God MADE the plant - would God have made a plant that he didn’t want us to smoke? What about for medicinal purposes? Sure, it’s okay to get liquored up and let tobacco give you cancer, but you can’t smoke a reefer to feel good? Man, that’s BULLshit. Anyway, as it turns out, Dr. Dre hadn’t been imprisoned at all - I think it was just a heroin-induced fantasy I had. So our protests were in vain, even more so than most protests. Plus, now the entire African-American community is pissed at me for referring to Dr. Dre as an “orangutan.” Excuse the hell out of me! All black people look the same, and they’re all a bunch of MONKEYS! Is that MY fault?

“My Dream House Is America” - Shit song. Don’t know what Christian was thinking. Back when the Lump were an active unit, we collaborated on some amazing material - “Borp,” “Funky Overhead Projector" - these are tunes we created TOGETHER. The two of us. He was the Starsky to my Hutch and the Abigail to my Heather. Now that he’s got his own career going, though, it’s unfathomable the amount of total shit he’s been releasing. I wish the guy all the best, but I think his best days are long gone. In fact, I’d be surprised if he ever wrote another good song ever again for the rest of his life.

“Assbite” - One thing I’ll give Matthew Barnaby Terrebonne III - he matured during his lengthy stint as a Perennial. Before we met him, he was just another two-bit comic, playing gross songs and even grosser music. But now? Listen to this song. It’s poetry to the ears. The gentle riffing, the delectable whisper in his voice, the emotion he so desperately is trying to convey. After about twenty seconds, it gets really fucking boring, though. It’s like he can only write one fucking song, and he does it over and over and over again. He’s total shit. In fact, I would be surprised if he ever again wrote another song that didn’t literally reek of the stench of dogshit the second it left the pen and touched the paper.

“Let's Put the 'X' Back In 'Xmas'” - Although I never would have thought it at the time, I now look back at my time with the Perennials as nothing more than a prelude to the most creative era of my life. As evidenced by this advance tune, a mere teaser of the thrills to come, my new NYC-based band The Shovels has a long and bright future ahead of us. Forget that baby-faced Lump pap - THIS is rock and roll.

“The Legendary Final Chord Of 'A Day In My Wife'” - The legendary final chord of our most famous track of all time. From our world-renowned 1967 psychedelic masterpiece, I WANT TO FUCK YOUR THIRTEEN-YEAR-OLD SISTER UP THE ASS, this song said in six and a half minutes what Abraham Lincoln had been unable to say during his entire career. The TRUTH. The truth about life and love and death and madness madness madness. It was only appropriate that we wind up the long and lengthy career of the world’s most successful cabaret outfit by bringing it all back home to where it began. Our riches, our fame, our glory - it would all mean NOTHING without this final piano chord. It’s the ringing in my very soul. Like a mantra or yantra, but better, like an apple turnover. Or a fresh piece of cherry pie. If you know what I mean.

Add your thoughts?

Raditude - DGC 2009
Rating = 3

Raditude: Deluxe Edition - DGC 2009
Rating = 4

Public Relations Blog
By Mark Prindle
13-Year PR Veteran and Social Media Expert

November 20, 2009
"Get With The Program, Old Man!"

When we think of social media – we think about networking with others and promoting our special events and fundraisers for our clients. While thousands of companies have either experimental or well-established presence on Twitter, Facebook, YouTube and other social media sites, those communities remain invisible on all but a tiny fraction of company homepages. So many of the recent screeds against Twitter deplore its chaos, its triviality, its NOISE. Good social media is integrated into a marketing, public relations or communications campaign (yes, I ignore advertising as that is paid media, and I include marketing because of the border skirmishes between PR and marketing). We've all heard about these 'new influencers' you know the social media gurus that have 15,000, 30,000 followers. From the minutia department, I’ve been talking a lot about Twitter avatars lately. Social media like blogs and Twitter enable individual consumers to voice their opinions against brands and companies. I’m thrilled to see that Dr. Karen Miller Russell has made available online one of my favorite articles, “U.S. Public Relations History: Knowledge and Limitations“! Philip Young's paper on the representation of PR in popular literature was a highlight of day one.

With these lessons in mind, I will now address one of the more pressing issues of the day: how aging, irrelevant "rock star" Paul McCartney can update his catalog to appeal to the Web 2.0 generation (and more importantly, to its disposable income!). It's as simple as making a few semantic/textual upgrades, and if he has any desire to appeal to even one member of a generation not scheduled to die in the next five years, he'd be smart to listen up.

Recommended Revisions to Outdated Songs include:
- "Got To Get You Into Myspace"
- "I've Just Seen A FaceBook Profile"
- "I'll Follow The Sun (On Twitter)"
- "P.S. I Love YouTube"
- "All My LinkedIn"
- "Kindle Book Writer"
- "Oh-Wi-Ki Pe-Di-A"
- "Hello, Google"
- "No More Lonely Skypes"
- "Here, There & Rapidshare"
- "Blogbird"
- "The Long And Rambling Post"
- "Back On The I.M.D.B."
- "When I'm MP4"
- "Maxwell's Silver Spammer"
- "And iPhone Her"

And voila! He'll be putting backsides into seats again in no time.

Another topic that came up at last week's CIPR academic conference in Stirling is the poor quality of the new Weezer CD, Raditude. Perhaps former Misfit and current graphic novelist Glenn Danzig said it best when he sang, "Raditude - you've got some funky Raditude." Because if by "funky," he means "smells like the kind of brown matter that can only come from the inside of an anus," he's got that right!

The problem isn't a difficult one to pinpoint, but it takes a bold innovator to put it into words. I shall attempt to do so now.

Rivers Cuomo is what today's cyber-literate youth would call a "douchebag." He writes stupid and boring lyrics about girls and partying, and sets them exclusively to formulaic chord changes and vocal melodies that have been used thousands of times throughout history, generally by bands lacking even the most rudimentary form of creativity. On this particular record, Cuomo churns out a set of instantly obvious, radio-ready power pop and emo garbage. Some of the generic melodies are '50s-tinged; others attempt to appeal to the pisspoor tastes of today's dumbest teens by featuring collaborators like godfuckingawful rapper Lil' Wayne and members of the godfuckingawful All-American Rejects. There is no art here -- just commerce.

Whether playing Bay City Rollers glam, Cheap Trick fuzz-pop, dark electro/hip-hop, sissy emo cliches or even atrocious world music, Weezer stink. And the reason they stink is that Rivers Cuomo sucks. The guy's terrible. Even at the absolute peak of his career, he was merely 'good' - and that was 13 years ago! In other words, Weezer hasn't released a good album since I started this web site. And sure, one could argue that I haven't written a good review since I started this web site, but let's concentrate on Weezer for the time being.

There are charming moments to be found here -- and as an Everclear fan, I'm pretty quick to fall for generic emotional chord changes -- but in all honesty, the only song on the "regular" version of Raditude that I truly enjoy is the one written by the drummer. And that's only because it sounds like KISS! They should've let that guy write the whole damn album. Even if "In The Mall" is the best tune he has in him, surely he couldn't have done a worse job than Rivers.

Which begs the question, "What on Earth was Rivers thinking when he banished three of his least shitty compositions to the Deluxe Edition?" Perhaps the '70s hard rocker "Get Me Some," dark piano bouncer "Hit By A Truck" and gorgeously-sung ballad "The Prettiest Girl In The Whole Wide World" aren't much compared to, say, Led Zeppelin. But compared to mind-rotting Radipuke like "Let It All Hang Out" (not an Hombres cover), "Love Is The Answer" and "I Don't Want To Let You Go," they're the greatest songs ever written by mortal man. In fact, I can say without much hesitation that had he replaced the three songs I just named with the three songs I named just before them, the 10-song Raditude: Normal Edition would've easily received a 5/10. Not a good album per se, but certainly better than their last three.

But what do I know? I'm just a 13-year PR veteran and social networking expert! Let's see what the consumers are saying through their many online channels of communication:

"Could it be that you guys are too dumb to see the irony, parody amd satire in the songs on Raditude?.... It is the work of a genius." - Vince from Atlanta

"Each song has it’s own moment of discovery that i love music for, and for the fact i believe they did an incredible job with this album." - SteveS from Rochester, MI

"The meaning and sound has changed but I believe that is the artist choice to do so." - Fentloozer from Texas

"Yeah, it sounds nothing like weezers first few albums. But they were released OVER A DECADE AGO! Can any of you name any bands who have released albums, through their 15 or so long career, which have all sounded the same? No ofcourse you can’t. And even if you could, you grumps would just complain that the music 'all sounds the same' and 'why havn’t they progressed'." - Tom from UK

"I for one think that Raditude is a great album and for everyone who keeps saying over and over again that they are not the 'real' Weezer anymore and that they have sold out is just dumb." - Connor from Nebraska

"Weezer is still the same band they were almost 20 years back, we just fail to listen and judge so quickly at the slightest sight of an artist dabbeling in unfamiliar territory." - Michael

So there's one thing we can say for certain: the album is a big hit among the illiterate.

Reader Comments

Not coincidentally, the best song on the Deluxe version of the album (Prettiest Girl) was written twelve years ago, before Rivers painted all his walls black, locked himself in a room, and began his ongoing descent into shitty songwriting.

Jim Laakso
"oh-wi-ki pe-di-a" in particular got a big "LOLeanor rigby" outta this guy!

Add your thoughts?

Hurley - Epitaph 2010
Rating = 4

Hurley: Deluxe Edition - Epitaph 2010
Rating = 3

Taking a tip from the long-selling Now That's What I Call Music! series, Epitaph here presents a compilation of new power pop tracks written by some of the world's most talented songwriters. Strangely, however, almost none of the songs live up to the prior works and established talents of these celebrity songscribes. Let's take a closer look.

The two standout tracks are quite strong indeed. First is the sugar-sweet high school homecoming theme "Hang On," drafted by Grammy/Ivor Novello award-winning genius Rick Nowels. Easily matching such Nowels classics as "Heaven Is A Place On Earth" and "The Power Of Good-Bye," as well as his other fine work for artists as varied as Stevie Nicks, Kim Wilde, Anita Baker, Chynna Phillips, Celine Dion, Des'ree, Ace of Base, 'N Sync, Melanie C, Geri Halliwell, Jewel, Cher, Rod Stewart, Bette Midler, Dido, Keith Urban and Nelly Furtado, "Hang On" is an adorable power pop confection featuring strings, piano, and popular young actor Michael Cera on hurdy gurdy and mandolin.

The second standout is "Time Flies," a heartwarming slice of mandolin-driven folk-pop penned by veteran ace songsmith Mac Davis. If you loved his 1974 hit "Stop And Smell The Roses" and 1980 appearance on The Muppet Show, then consider this low-fidelity crackerjack the answer to all your Mac Davis prayers!

Unfortunately, the rest of the Hurley compilation (named in tribute to Lost TV character "Hurley") is a tremendous disappointment. Semisonic vocalist Dan Wilson contributes a predictable Green Day-esque pop-punk bore that doesn't hold even the shadow of a candle to his 1999 classic "Closing Time," let alone his award-winning Dixie Chicks material. Greg Wells' pop-metal joke "Where's My Sex?" is even worse, making it hard to believe it was penned by the same magician that produced and co-wrote some of Katy Perry, Adele, OneRepublic, Pink, Hilary Duff, Hanson and Boyzone's finest material.

The most upsetting fall from grace on display, however, can only be that of World's Greatest Songwriter Desmond Child, who must've scraped the throwaway power ballad "Trainwrecks" from the back of an old notebook labeled 'Rejects.' Where are the craft and skill that he brought to such timeless metal masterworks as "Let's Put The 'X' In Sex," "Bad Medicine," "Crazy," "Poison," "I Hate Myself For Loving You" and "Livin' La Vida Loca," as well as possibly the finest songs ever recorded by Tokio Hotel, Katy Perry, Sebastian Bach, Mika, Meat Loaf, Lindsay Lohan, Vince Neil, Jesse McCartney, Clay Aiken, Hanson, Robbie Williams, Roxette, Shakira, Cher, Animotion, Bonnie Tyler and Michael Bolton? Et tu, Desme'?

There are a few other songs that, although not excellent, are worthy of mention. Mandy Moore's hubby Ryan Adams brings us "Run Away," a power ballad comparable to the mid-'80s work of Cheap Trick and the Cars. Linda Perry takes a break from her work with Christina Aguilera, Alicia Keys, Gwen Stefani, Kelly Osbourne, Lisa Marie Presley and Pink to dash off the record's sole dark track, "Brave New World." And "Smart Girls," far from a cover of Beach Boy Brian Wilson's ill-fated 'rap' venture, is instead a silver-tongued slice of average power pop co-written by No Doubt bassist/Pink collaborator Tony Kanal and producer/songwriter Jimmy Harry, whose stellar production/songwriting credits for Rupaul, Kylie Minogue, Kelly Clarkson, Britney Spears, Clay Aiken, Skye Sweetnam, Lisa Loeb and Pink precede him.

It's unclear why exactly these Song Gods had such a difficult time with their material for this compilation. Did Epitaph specifically request that they restrict their contributions to cheerful power pop cliches? All the songs sound cynically designed for radio success -- nothing more than a selection of trite melodies and artificial emotions. At its best, Hurley is sweet music for young teenaged girls. At its worst, it's appalling.

Wait a second. I hadn't noticed this before, but apparently every song was co-written by Rivers Cuomo, that talentless fuckface from Weezer. No wonder it's a bottomless barrel of piss-flavored shit! That guy literally gets his vitamins from sucking sweaty truck drivers' cocks in gas station bathrooms. How could all these talented songwriters even stand to be in the same room with that malodorous jerkoff and his sperm-encrusted upper lip? Now I understand why they called it Hurley -- because first you hurl on the floor, then you hurl the piece of shit out the window! God, I'd rather take every member of Coldplay up my ass at the same time than let this oozing vaginal syphilis goo enter my ear for even one more second. EAT SHIT AND DIE!

- People Magazine
September 20, 2010

Reader Comments

I haven't listened to this album yet, and I don't think I want to. But there's something I want to address that personally think is..pretty fucking disgusting. The single cover for "Memories" is a plastic cup of beer. This wouldn't bother me except the first line of the song mentions pissing in plastic cups . So it's supposed to be piss. Very classy guys, keep up the good work. IDIOTS.

Add your thoughts?

Death to False Metal - DGC 2010
Rating = 4

This is a great, great album by a great, great band, featuring lots of great, great songs performed by great, great musicians and sung by great, great vocalist Rivers Cuomo.

Hey! Who replaced all my "vomit-inducing bullshit"s with "great, great"s!?

Weezer is a subpar band on a subpop label. This album of career-spanning outtakes includes all the cloying smarmy power pop you'd expect, as well as a few pieces of Everclear/Nirvana-style pop grunge that are, at best, slightly less repellent. The highlights for someone of my refined tastes would be heavy but melodic fuzzball "Trampoline" and bouncy organ soul-pop "I'm A Robot," which applies the classic "You Can't Hurry Love" rhythm to something not involving Phil Collins.

I'll grant you this: the heavy guitar tones sound great, and nothing on here even approaches the slick commercial vomitbag of Raditude. But cheerful, cutesy power poppers like "I Don't Want Your Loving," "Blowing My Stack" and "The Odd Couple" just hold no interest for me. They sound like little kids' music! Is that Rivers' goal? To write music for little kids so they'll get in his van? Come on Rivers, if you wanna screw little kids just go adopt one.

Ann Landers

Dear Abby,

With Christmas coming, what should I get for people?

Perplexed in Pittsburgh

Dear Perplexed in Pittsburgh,

I'm Ann Landers, asshole. But here are some great gift ideas anyway.

1. One day while your friend is at work, break into her home, pour sugar water all over the place and voila! Within days, she'll be thanking you for her new Free Range Ant Farm.
2. Nobody wants a pair of socks for Christmas. But who could resist a pair of KrAzEe SoXx!? To create this unique holiday treat, first buy a pair of socks. Then masturbate into it for a year.
3. Every child on Earth loves a Slinky, but you know the old adage: teach a man to fish and he'll never go hungry. Therefore, give your child a Length of Wire and demand he mold it into a Slinky or no more food.
4. With heating bills going through the roof, the hottest toy of the season is a Lump of Coal. Don't let your child feel left out!
5. When your kitchen garbage bag is full, dress up like Santa and pretend that it's Santa's Present Pouch. If your kids complain about receiving nothing but empty soup cans and used paper towels for Christmas, tell them Santa was testing them and now they'll never get any presents ever again, ever. (Not even for their birthdays) Also, tell them you hate them.
6. Grandmothers love cats and everything having to do with them. So this year, give Granny a copy of The Koran and tell her it's from "Stevens the Cat."

That's my opinion anyway. I fucken hate people.

Ann Landers

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