There's a man named Robert Smigel in this world, and he's by no means a bad man. You might know him as a writer for the uproarious television sitcom "After Hours With Conan O'Brien" or also for his work on long-lived comedy showcase "Saturday Night Live with Howard Cosell," but I personally know him from a TV show called "TV Playhouse," wherein Robert (Smigel) makes a bunch of animal puppets say grotesque yet funny things. We all did this as children, remember? Making animal puppets talk? I did it well into my late 20s and only ceased doing so because I got a real dog and now I make him talk. He instructs me to conduct various torture-murders in the name of Baal. (Either that or he's asking me to throw him a Ball; how am I supposed to know what he's saying? He's a DOG!). But now Bob Smigel does it for a living!
Because he's a male prostitute. But also, in his free time, he performs a Vaudeville comedy act as a popular foul-mouthed dog puppet with a Mexican accent who goes by the name Triumph The Insult Comic Dog. This dog has done some funny things in his day, and is probably best known for upsetting Eminem on live TV -- incidentally, is there some reason why Eminem takes himself so fucking seriously now? His first album was hilarious; now he's just a pud who walks around thinking he's a serious artist (and actor). Somebody smack some sense into that buffoon. Or SHOOT some sense into him. Better yet, skip the sense all together and SHOOT some SMACK into him!!! (And me)
I'll admit that on its face, it's an interesting concept -- that of taking the explicit sexual humor of an Andrew Dice Clay or Rudy Ray Moore and putting it into the mouth of an entirely different species. However, as a proud dog owner, I have to say that there's something uniquely disgusting and disquieting about a CD featuring multiple songs on the topic of dog fucking. In fact, my wife is quite irritabletated at me for giving the disc a 6 out of 10; she thinks it deserves a -3! Me, I just prefer Triumph's comedy when it's a bit more understated and, you know, at all CLEVER in some way; these moments shine in intelligent contrast to the countless, endless, witless straightforward descriptions of dogs having sex. Here then are some highlights and lowlights of the CD:
The CD features 13 original songs of varying genres (children's music, Caribbean garbage, r'n'b, rap, rap-metal, Jewish theatre), but only 6 of them are funny. These include:
(1) "Lick Myself" - This jaunty children's tune revels in the virtues of licking oneself, while at the same time making great fun of the boring pursuits on which we humans waste our time ("Lick myself/Wet my cock/Have a good time watching 'Schoolhouse Rock'!")
(2) "Cats Are Cunts," a surprisingly non-specific attack on our furry feline fucks
(3)"You Have To Work Blue" - a zany attack on observational comedians that finds Triumph and his old-school comedian dog buddy complaining about all the "young punks" taking over the comedy scene -- including (in their words) George Carlin, David Brenner, Robert Klein and Bob Newhart
(4) "Bob Barker" - It has Jack Black on it! He's a tremendous movie star!
(5) Others. The hit single "I Keed" ("I Kid" in a Mexican accent) is a particularly witty attack on his fellow celebrities, my favorite couplet being "Poop Diddy, are you in show business still?/I didn't know wearing a suit was a skill."
The bad songs, however, are quite bad indeed. And there are a LOT of them. Where to begin - well, there's "Underage Bichon," which features exactly one clever line: "She told me she was 1!"; "Who," which is basically a running list of unpleasant dog fucking puns ("Who jacked in the Jack Russell? Who put the cock in the cocker spaniel?"); "Benji's Queer," though I must admit that the chorus is pretty funny ("Benji's queer, Benji's gay/He sees two balls and he says "Hooray!"); and a host of absolutely intolerable (not to mention interchangeable) songs about dogwang and ass fucking, one of which features Adam Sandler reciting no interesting words at all. But have you heard Adam's song "The Mayor Of Pussytown"? Now THAT is a funnyass songass ass!
Aside from the songs, the Triumph (a popular metal band from Canada) CD includes four prank calls (three of which are classics of the genre) and four comedy bits (2 of which are a scream). The thing about the prank calls is that Triumph never makes it clear that he's a DOG calling. So we get such whimsical merriments as a catalog company operator trying to figure out why somebody would request a 3-dog waterbed that reads "Home of The Dog Pounder," a kennel worker attempting to make sense out of a caller who's clearly looking for a sex partner, and an STD hotline representative plagued by the complaint, "My balls.... They taste funny!" At no point do any of these prankees get the joke or even apparently suspect that they are being pranked. And sir, that's a bonafide recipe for disaster. COMEDIC disaster, that is!
The 2 good comedy bits could be described as well, but not here. My bottom line reads as follows: "Triumph The Dog Comedian has wit like a knife -- at its best it's sharp and edgy, but too often it just doesn't cut the mustard."
"Also, both Triumph's wit and a knife talk about dog fucking too much."
That reminds me of a hilarious Halloween costume I was thinking about wearing - tell me what you think of this. I would go around NYC picking up all the dogdoo on the sidewalks and piling it into a big trash bag with a dollar sign on the side. I would then put on a nice suit and walk around town with the dollar-signed bag of poop slung over my shoulder. When people asked (as they naturally would), "What are you dressed as?," I would respond, "I'm George W. Bush! Want some poop?" I would then throw poop at them and they would vote for Kerry, thinking that the current president had just thrown poop at them.
Admittedly I probably should have thought of this costume about a week ago.
Because in retrospect I probably just looked stupid running around throwing poop at people without saying who I was.
Especially since it was mid-March.
Did you hear about his appearance on Crossfire (days after Jon Stewart)? He was saying, "Stop Hurting America!" and "Jon Stewart made you his bitch!"
Not that anyone truly cares. Just love the comedy.
Or maybe: Yo Nellie, what the hell kind of name is that?/It's about as gangster as an easter bonnet hat!