Thrall

Get Hard!
*special introductory paragraph!
*Chemical Wedding
*Hung Like God
*Lifer

Kalamazoo, MI's God Bullies was a remarkable AmRep band, filled with noise, dissonance, guitar rock, eerie samples and the nervous, weirdo, mostly spoken-word vocals of Mike Hard. When they unfortunately passed away one afternoon in the early '90s, Mike couldn't just rest on his laurels and call his career a "finished portrait," so instead he gathered a group of peckers, or rather musicians with peckers, and formed a new band called Thrall. Though Thrall was a more traditional-style hard rock chords and notes band, the overall Mike Hard aura was still firmly in place, with the chosen chord-and-note sequences always coming across a bit more anxious and off-kilter than your usual young rock combo, and Mike's lyrics and vocal pattern as nervous, shaky and paranoid as ever. And by "paranoid," I mean that Mike writes songs about conspiracy theories, mind control, government cover-ups and religious-driven insanity, then presents them to you in the low, secretive, frantic delivery of a once-normal businessman who saw a few too many things he shouldn't have seen and is now completely incapable of controlling his emotions and erratic thought patterns. The schizophrenic man in the park who tells you the TV News is talking directly to him, the Feral House author who is certain that the government is using radioactive warfare to frazzle his brain, the helpless father who watches his children fall under the influence of a destructive cult leader -- THESE are Mike Hard's muses and characters. And half the time, his delivery is so spot-on (often turning into completely bizarre high-pitched screaming during key moments, as if the narrator has just been tweaked by a UFO controlled by the pharmaceutical industry) that you almost believe that he's not playing a role at all. But he is, of course. He's Mike Hard -- thespian!


Chemical Wedding - Alternative Tentacles 1996
Rating = 8

Hey look! I'm gonna take a whole bunch of shits and lay them end-to-end across the highway! You know why? Because I'm Christo!!!! I'm a GENIUS! I waste all kinds of money on stupid bullshit! Because I'm Christo!!!

I just read a record review that pointed something out that, if it had ever occurred to me, ceased to do so some time ago. Unfortunately, it's CORRECT! This review suggeseted that Mike Hard sounds like the late, fantastic Rodney Dangerfield. And you know...? He kinda DOES! Or, if not Rodney Dangerfield, then the same kind of sleazy, malevolent older man that Mr. Dangerland portrayed in Naturally Born Killers. At any rate, the first Thrall album is a stone gas killer! Recorded with the same sort of muffled, murky production that removed all the high and low end from the final God Bullies album (Kill The King), the music comes across as midtempo "psycho-rock" with no rough edges. Try turning up the volume to a billion decibels and it will still never hurt your ears - everything in the mix is too soft and muffly! Not shittily muffly though, please. It just sort of sounds like they kept everything in midlevel something-or-others, I don't know, I'm not a mixer. YOU learn the terminology!

Golly, how to describe this. It's not metal. Not punk. Sort of hard rocky, but with very dark overtones to it. The vocals of course are total God Bullies and the guitarist plays a lot of minor-key arpeggiations and strange, ugly chords like that guy in the Jesus Lizard, but the comparisons sort of stop there. One thing that does permeate through most of the disc is a songwriting style revolving around notes going up and down and up and down around a certain point on the guitar/bass. Is that "circular" melodicism? Could be. Hell, I don't know! I don't know SHIT! YOU learn words! YOU learn music! And YOU write the regoddamnedviews!!!!

I apologize for losing my keys. This band doesn't sound particularly talented, but their simple little riffs and guitar/bass interplay is very en"thrall"ing - and I'm not just saying that to be an ass"thrall." It really is! Dark, foreboding, curiously suspenseful, and instantly accessible. Not too loud or too soft, too fast or too slow -- all right in the middle and geared up to make you think twice about walking down the street alone. THAT'S IT! THAT'S what it sounds like! The soundtrack of a suspense film from the '60s! But played by Thrall! Theatrically spy-surfy, like the finest Steel Pole Bath Tub material! (though not as noisy and impenetrable as the worst Steel Pole Bath Tub material). Man, it took me forever to figure that out. I must be getting really slow in my middle age. But there you go! Thrall's music on this record sounds like suspenseful spy film music. I win! Here's hoping you actually read this far, because that shit I wrote at the beginning might as well have been about a Jim Croce album.

In fact, you know what

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Jim Croce's Entire Boring Folk Crap Garbage Catalog - Shit Records 1972
Rating = 2

(See above)

Add your thoughts?

As for Thrall's first album, it sounds like suspenseful spy film music. With spooky spoken word interludes about cults and religious conversions that I'd have to imagine are from old records or films unless Mike somehow knows a lot of people with eerily old-fashioned speaking accents.

What are the songs about? Oh! I'd be happy to speak on that issue! Like Tom Petty, Mr. Hard here writes on such varied issues as psychotic sexual obsession, government mind control, pharmaceutical slavery, schizophrenic hallucinations and armageddon UFO cults. All in the first person! Here are some classic lines for you to recite at your little bath house gay orgies: "Timothy Leary and Jerry Garcia were secretly used by the CIA to recruit patients for government mind control experiments/Psychoactive psychotropic psychodelic/I don't need Dionne Warwick to forsee the future" AND "We don't need bibles/We need babies, bullets, bombs/Don't wait for Jesus/Cause he ain't gonna come" AND "The Christian crusades are now a coalition/Our freedom's under fire and there's terror in the heartland" AND "Let me hold you/Let me touch you/Let me stick my fingers in your brain" AND EVEN "I go to outpatient care self help programs/I go to the clinic for regular meetings/I've been through detox, rehab and alanon/I've been on Xanax, Prozac and Halcion/I hate anti-depressants and mood elevators/After a sudden relapse I feel much better/I'm so medicated I feel castrated/Born again, baptized and beheaded/I've talked myself into buying a gun/Now I'm afraid I might kill someone." Welcome to the world of Michael Hardly And The Thralls!

But don't get too attached to it because he replaced the entire band before recording the next album.

Say! See that huge building wrapped in urine? I did that! Because I'm CHRISTO!!!!

Reader Comments

gsteph22@yahoo.com (Bradford Stephens)
Wow, the one of 4 reviews I've seen in the entire Interwebs about this album.

I accidentally picked it up one day while searching for Bruce Dickinson's "Chemical Wedding" (the best of 300 or so metal albums I own -- it's God.) I thought "Weird Cover. I'll buy!". And so I did.

I had the same problem the reviewer did. "What...the...hell..IS THIS?" I LOVED it, however! It's psychotic post-punk metal weridnesswhatever. It's very heavy, and full of strange chords I, a musician, wouldn't think to use. If the Tool kiddies think THEIR music is dark, I burn them a copy of this and watch them cry. This is seriously one of the darkest albums I've heard since a Bruce Dickinson release or Queensryche's incredible "Operation Mindcrime".

I give it a 10 simply because it's opened my mind to new, psychotic musical possiblities.

Plus the song "Mommy and Daddy are Alien Gods" cracks me up!

Add your thoughts?


Hung Like God - Reptilian 2001
Rating = 7

You ever notice how white people write record reviews? They always be writing record reviews like this:

(*writes uptight, nerdy record review with glasses*)

But see, black people -- black people write record reviews like this!

(*writes laidback, "cool" record review, perhaps with a curse word*)

Yeah, I know! And how about Chinese guys? Chinese guys all be writing record reviews like this:

(*writes squinty-eyed record review with the r's and l's mixed up, concludes by offering you rice and asking you to take your shoes off before you come in the house*)

And don't be forgettin' my Italian homeys! They all be writin' record reviews like THIS:

(*grows mustache, writes record review all stained with pizza grease and pepperoni sauce, refers to favorite song as "a spicy meatball-ah!"*)

And Australian people. Australian people write record reviews like this:

(*writes upside-down record review with a kangaroo tail dipped in ink; puts another shrimp on the barby; declares that buying the album will make it a "g'day, mate"*)

And how about Mexicans? You ever seen a Mexican write a record review? They write 'em like THIS:

(*is illiterate; can't spell own name*)

And Polacks! Polacks write record reviews like THIS!

(*falls out of tree while raking leaves; screws in lightbulb with a couple of friends; writes record review*)

Jews write record reviews too. But they write them like THIS!

(*says "Oy!"; asks band to wear their galoshes because it's raining out; tries to talk mailman into accepting a 4-cent stamp for delivering the review, since it's so short*)

And don't forget women! Women write record reviews like THIS!

(*goes shopping; writes negative review because she's on the rag*)

And who loves fags? Fags write record reviews like THIS!

(*has sex with some guy; writes review with fecal matter on penis*)

Hey! And what about Albanians? Albanians write record reviews like THIS!

(*has infant mortality rate of 22.31 deaths/1,000 live births; writes record review*)

And Cubans be all hilarious and shit. They write record reviews like this:

(*writes review with cocaine and cigar ashes; sucks off Castro and dots i's with his ejaculate*)

But Mark Prindle, a man without a country -- his ass writes record reviews like THIS!

Mike Hard has replaced Thrall with an entirely new Thrall bearing no relation to the band previously known as Thrall. I don't know the politics behind the split and reorganization, nor do this nation's highest minds. We can only accept and move post-hasteforth whence. The new Thrall features two guitarists, is more hard rock-oriented than spy-musicy, and tends to craft songs around a simple midtempo dark chord sequence topped by a sorrowful or menacing high-pitched note riff. The chords, though simple, are still weird enough to back up Mike Hard's words of sickness, and the high-pitched lead guitar lines are as melodically intuitive as a non-virtuoso is going to manage. Challenging? Shit no. Worth a listen? Sure!

The main problem with the disc is that it starts with four great songs, and then succumbs to the old "a couple of great parts interspersed with ugly racket or fucking STUPID hard rock riffs" syndrome that has left many a fine band in its wake of devastation. Plus, at nine songs and 33 minutes, it's too short. Very nice fuzzy guitar tone and ringing high notes though!

The mix is a bit louder and less smoothed over than the debut, but it still sounds pretty processed. I thought you might like to know that. Also, the lyrics to "Is My Love Safe Inside You?" are pretty hilarious, so listen closely to them. If there were more to say, I'd say it but there's really nothing else much to say about the record. I typed up some boring notes about every song, but who the hell wants to read THAT?!

Oh okay, here. But don't blame me when you you get BORED! I'm bored just LOOKING at 'em, let alone thinking about somebody ELSE reading 'em! Christ! Talk about BORING!

hollowed we follow - about how being raised to conform WORKS. dark notes - 2 guitars and bass all playing the same pattern (i love the sound of that!), simple but mentally troubled. Chords in chorus and bridge. Mike is quivery and crazy. THen the song turns into a rock and roll breakdown. A coupld dull parts but mostly really great.

night fell - four basic chords with sad, upset, high-note sequence on top. Then dark chords.

hopelessly in love - good chord sequence with high notes on tops, then just the chords. Then guitar playing low over the chords. Dark notes in chorus too.

don't shoot me - the last great song on here. Dark, odd chords into high sad notes. 4 rising chords in chorus.

god damn devil - a few low mean chords and high sorrowful notes on top, but then ugly notes in the bridge. Some sad chords too!

is my love safe inside you? - tells how babies are born! "Two people had an orgasm"! Ha! Basic chords with high part playing same thing but on notes. Macho, not too good. Sorrowful high notes in chorus rule though!

where are my people - big dumb hard rock riff. Different than the other songs, but not better by any means!

remove and replace - nervous quick little low notes, then ugly interesting chords going upward. Strange chords in chorus. A little warped, wrong. Wah-wah solo. Too many lousy parts though!

our love will survive - dark arpeggios into two chords. Then fast up-down bass playing like the Jesus Lizard and more dark chords.

Those are my notes. Does anyone know any synonyms for "dark"? My thesaurus doesn't have a section for hate speech.

Mike Hard is what Mike Hard does, so he's always worth listening to. It's just the music on here that can get hella samey and assa weak sometimes. Make it your third Thrall purchase though! You'll be glad you die!

Oops! I mean "glad you did." Ha! What a meaningless faux pas that we should all forget! So let's ignore it entirely and get on with our fine American malicious HTML code specifically designed to burn out the retinas of the reader, resulting in complete loss of eyesight within 48 hours.

Oops! I mean "fine American DAY!" Talk about a tongue twister!

Add your thoughts?


Lifer - Alternative Tentacles 2003
Rating = 8

Before I begin, I really must tell you about this amazing band with whom I've recently become acquainted. It's not often that I discover a new talent that bowls me over on first impression, but this group combines the melodic genius of the Beatles, the aggressive fury of Slayer, the revolutionary fervor of Nirvana, the soulful romanticism of Marvin Gaye, the angelic vocal beauty of the Beach Boys and the technical skill of Eddie Van Halen -- all in one package! I'm surprised they're not bigger, to be honest, but hopefully some day the mainstream will reach down into the underground to lift this force up into the Billboard charts where they belong. Write this name down because some day, mark my words, they'll be playing Carnegie Hall. They're called "Billy Joel."

Oh sure, you may laugh at their name now, but wait until you hear such unforgettable ass-kicking originals as "Captain Jack Will Get You High Tonight" and "Sing Me A Song, You're The Piano Man." They have this fuckin' amazing guy who sings and plays the piano; he seems to be the main focus of the group. And he is INCREDIBLE. I mean, this guy can take a piece of charcoal and turn it into a diamond right in front of your eyes. The raw anarchic filth of "You Had To Be A Big Shot. Didn't You?," the gleeful nostalgia of "Uptown Girl, You've Been Living In An Uptown World," the marriage-proposal loveliness of "I Want You Just The Way You Are, (Saxophone Lick)" -- you may think you've heard the future of rock and roll, but thing again! As the singer/piano player of Billy Joel might say, "You can shove your Rolling Stones albums up your ass crack-ack-ack-ack-ack," because they've been rendered obsolete. Rendered obsolete by the sheer force and creative innovation that is Billy Joel!

I almost feel like there's no point in even bothering to review this Thrall album since it's so much worse than Billy Joel, but what the hell. Maybe you need something new to listen to after you've worn out all your Billy Joel albums. Since it's impossible for any other artist to compete with the brilliance of "We Didn't Start The Fire, It Was Always Burning Since The World's Been Turning," you'd might as well listen to Thrall. Or Mark E. Smith's The Fall!

Or Bill Stevenson's All!

Or that one-hit wonder band The Call!

Or my favorite Beatle, Paul!

Or Pink Floyd's The Wall!

Or The Cyrcle's "Red Rubber Ball"!

Or John Oates and Darryl Hall!

Or Burton Cummings' smash hit "Stand Tall"!

Oh hang on, I'm paying for this web space.

Lifer is the most diverse of all Thrall recordings, so much so that I can't describe the album as "all the songs go up-down-up-down" or "all the songs have dark chords with high lead notes on top." Therefore, we could be here all night as I try to figure out what to say about it. Strap on your ass dildo - it's going to be a wild ride!

Like the legendary Nirvana after Pat Smear joined and during the songs when Kurt didn't play the guitar, Thrall is here reduced to a four-piece with one guitarist. It's the same band as God Hung You, except the bassist got his ass canned (and caned - in Malaysia) and one of the guitarists replaced him. The sound is much more raw, loud and noisy than the first two albums, with an exciting live-sounding action-packed smash-a-lot drum tone. Mike goes over the top with strange news and radio drama samples, darn near putting one at the end of every song. There's also quite a few moments of wah-wah guitar, unfortunately, but we'll let that one slide on account of the terrifically hooky, romping, twisted music they're writing, recording and releasing this time right round. Like the last record, a few parts suffer from generic Jesus Lizard chords and lame hard rock riffing, but the good-to-middling ratio is much higher this time around. By my count, more than half of the songs have terrifically hooky, romping, slightly disturbed rock riffs that serve as perfectamundo accompanimentamundo to Mike's conspiracy rants and sad character studiesamundo. Heavy chords, loud bass, headbanging drum contraptions, some high notes of course - just chalk it up as "loud creative guitar rock riffs of slight strangeness" and we'll agree to agree.

This is the first Thrall CD to come with a complete lyrics sheet, so you'll be amazed and miserable as you read his twisted, obsessive tales of deranged (yet possible!) fringe beliefs. In the very first track, he suggests that Jesus was a fraud, and his descendents are using his lies to control all of us! And that's in the very first song! Aw man, don't even get me TALKING about "I Thought I Told You," "We're Gonna Get What We Deserve" and "I Blame Myself"! Don't EVEN!

One song you CAN get me talking about, however, is the absurdly rhythmic (and hooky as the day!) "Petrochemical Pharmaceutical Military Industrial Complex." I maintain that it is IMPOSSIBLE to hear this song without chanting the title alongside Mike Hard during the chorus (although to be fair, he kinda screams it at the top of his lungs). Likewise, "Get up and go to work! Go home and go to bed! (repeat)" is a vocal hook so hooky it's like a hooker in a bra with lots of hooks and wearing fish hooks as earrings and having a hook instead of an arm, watching TJ Hooker. And what's hookier than that? I'll tell you what! Billy Joel!

Mike Hard is a unique and idiosyncratic lyricist and vocalist (not to mention performer -- when I saw the God Bullies live, he was dressed in a suit and rubbing a newspaper against his groin!), so it's fantastic (and kind of unexpected!) that he managed to find two different groups of musicians creative enough to carry on his warped musical vision after the God Bullies collapsed on the highway to the streets of nowhere. Does Thrall still exist in some shay, fape or worm? I dunno. David Livingstone told me in an interview last year that the God Bullies were recording a new album, but it still hasn't seen the light of day four years later. So who knows? And who cares as long as "Whoa-oh-oh-oh, For The Longest Time" is available at our local underground punk rock store?

Reader Comments

Return Of The Son of Banjo!
I'd go for a high-ish 7 for Lifer. Tracks one through to six carry a whole load of poke. "Get up and go to work... go home and go to bed", indeed. Thrall have got the Western existence pretty much nailed with that. I'm more of a fan of Chemical Wedding - that's 9/10 for me. That record, every track, just drips with apocalyptic scariness. I'd say Chemical Wedding rivals the best of the God Bullies. Lifer (espesh the first six tracks) flies fairly close by. If you like Chemical Wedding you shouldn't struggle to enjoy Lifer. I thank you.

Add your thoughts?


If you scroll past all the other BULLSHIT on the page, you can find all three THRALL cds for sale (both new and used) at this site right here!

We Now Return to Mark Prindle in Ruggero Deodato's Last Cannibal House On The Zombie Edge Of The Apocalypse Cemetery Holocaust