That was a great joke! How come no broads came and picked me up afterwards?
special introductory paragraph!
Psychic Hearts
Trees Outside The Academy
Thurston Moore is the lead sinker and guitarist for Sonic Youth.
This album is so Thurston POORE, it makes me want to take
it out of the Thurston DRAWERE and throw it on the Thurston FLOORE. Then I might even
grab the Thurston BORE and kick it out the Thurston DOORE and go down to the Thurston
SHORE to pick up a Thurston WHORE. Let me tell you what you have in Thurston STORE if
you decide that Dirty and Goodbye 20th Century CDs aren't sufficiently
rotten to the Thurston CORE and you need some Thurston MORE to. oh. That was
already - OK next slide. Submitted for your approval: Sonic Youth features THREE
different songwriters and STILL can't put out consistently good albums. So how do you
think that ONE of those songwriters would fare when deciding to create a 15-song solo
work? Well, Lee Ranaldo decided to create an album that's just a bunch of noises with
locked grooves - "infinity" he calls it - HA! Can you imagine the art? Unfortunately it
didn't translate very well to CD, what with "locked groove CDs" not...uh... existing.
The first track sounds like --- HEY! WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO TO MY REVIEW, YA
DAMN "READER"??? As I set out to say, when Thurston Moore decided to create a
solo work, he ripped off "He's So Fine," added a "bonus disk" of the worst jamming
garbage you will ever hear, battled a burglar in his home and eventually sadly succumbed
to the cancer that had - HEY!!!! GOD DAMN AMERICA FOR MAKING MY ATTENTION SPAN
SO SHORT THAT I CAN'T EVEN COMPLETE THIS SIMPLE ARTICLE ABOUT THE YANKEES
FOR MY SPORTS NEWS WEB SITE! Thurston Moore's bad habits: (A) Performing songs
whose vocal melodies are exactly the same as the guitar melodies. You've heard "Iron
Man," right? Not the smartest-sounding song around, is it? (B) Just "saying" lyrics in
an
attempt to come across as "sassy" and "cool" - often double-tracked and/or through a
distortion effect. Like an especially whiny version of Lou Reed. While we're on the
subject,
am I crazy or does Lou Reed seem to be especially fond of himself? (C) Using the exact
same simplistic songwriting style in every single song (think of his tracks on
Experimental, Jet Set, etc. - every song on here sounds just like those but worse
-- unbelievably simple power chord sequences with slight finger ups-and-downsy changes
repeated over and over and over again). And (D) Coming up with absolutely atrocious,
ugly, amateurish, boring "hooks" with no positive qualities for miles around. Which is
to
say that if you like his Sonic Youth output, there's at least a CHANCE you'll like this
too,
though don't be surprised if you find your opinion of the man sinking pretty low after
giving it a spin in the washing machine. Woman: Did you say WASHING
MACHINE???? Man: I sure did, SISTER! Woman: Oh man, dat's
COLD man - dat's EVOL! Man: Sorry about that, baby! Look, to make it up
to you, how about if I let you stroke my DIRTY MASTER-DIK til I shoot
my GOO all over those NYC GHOSTS AND FLOWERS? Woman: I'm
confused. Man: Of course you are baby, because CONFUSION IS SYR 3
FEATURING JIM O'ROURKE. Woman: Don't GO there! You ain't getting' none of
MY stuff unless you pay me A THOUSAND. (LEAVES). Man: Hey! Come back!
This is BAD because the MOON is out and my penis is
RISING! (Curtain) There are four pretty great songs on here (the intriguing
feedback-drenched "Ono Soul," an interesting little arpeggiated minor chord piece of
melody called - ironically enough - "Pretty Bad," a sassy generic Sonic Youth style
rocker
called "See-Through Play/Mate" that has a really awesome double-guitared third chord in
the riff, and this really fast "Hang Out" song whose ugly chords actually come to really
grow on a guy if he's forced to listen to them over and over inside an echo chamber full
of
bugs. All crawling in and out of his eyes until he GOES
INSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNEEEEEEEE!!!!!!) The rest of the album sucks a dick
though, and I betcha any other member of Sonic Youth, past or present, would say the
same thing. I hope that SOMEHOW this review is only taken as a bitch piece about this
particular CD though, because I made some personal attacks on Thurston in my Sonic
Youth reviews (which are several years old, btw) and that is NOT AT ALL my intent here.
He's just a guy who creates the kind of music that he likes. And a ton of other people
like
it too. I just PERSONALLY feel that his weak rockers need the counterpoint of Lee
Ranaldo's screwball art-minded brain to keep them interesting and varied. Otherwise they
sound underwritten, amateurish and extremely samey. And I think the same of Lee's
ambient mood pieces - without the rock structure of the rest of the band, that guy's
output is a total bore too. So please - I like Thurston now, and greatly respect how he
has
kept his band together for over two decades, for the most part giving us lots of really
good
songs to enjoy. But I can't help it - this CD really really does honestly suck a lot
of
balls out of my mouth.
SYDaydrea: What did you think of Thurston's solo effort?
LeeSncYuth: Man, which one? DID YOU HEAR THE CORPUS HERMETICUM RELEASE? (sorry caps) That is one ill pup. P Hearts roks too. (He's singing along w/ the gtr line, though...) Ha ha. That's priv joke to T.
I guess this applies to any of Sonic Youth's later records as much as it does to Psychic Hearts
you should try actually listening to the album before you let such ignorant diharea just spill out of your hole like that !
p.s.
your weak
Some silly goose decided to do a parody of me, and now it's sitting out there in Cyberspace with my name all over it. I hope he isn't intimating that I've "Jumped The Shark"! I'd hate to think that I somehow "Jumped The Shark"!
Having said that, I'd like to welcome everybody back to Mark Prindle's Family Place (formerly "Mark Prindle's Record Reviews"), featuring record reviews by Ted McGinley (as "Mark Prindle") and music fans the worldround. Today, with the help of Special Guest Star Mikhail Baryshnikov, we're taking a trip to Hawaii to enjoy a special Vacation Look at Thurston Moore's second non-avant-garde solo CD, Trees Outside The Academy!
When you buy this in the Thurston STORE, you'll totally label it a "Thurston SCORE" and want some Thurston MORE because it's good to the Thurston CORE and as satisfying as a Thurston WHORE walking through the Thurston DOOR with a big tasty Thurston S'MORE for Filmmaker Al "Thurston (Thirstin') For An End To Global Warming" GORE, who's busy mining for Thurston ORE to help bring about an end to the Thurston WAR, but his muscles are Thurston SORE and he's tired of hearing tales of Thurston LORE and he wants to go down to the Thurston SHORE but he's too Thurston POOR so he has to keep working even though he Thurston TORE a ligament in his ankle and is experiencing pain (Thurston) GALORE as if he's starring in a classic Film (Thurston) NOIR and the aching in his veins feels like a Thurston ROAR and (*finishes sentence*).
Hey look! Here comes Henry The All-Grown-Up Dog and his new lil' friend Spikey The Puppy! "Woof! I'm Spikey The Puppy!"
Where Thurston's earlier solo outing found him in an obnoxious 'cool guy' mood, this one presents him as a much more mature adult songwriter and musician unconcerned with proving that he's hip. Interestingly, he chooses to play acoustic guitar on nearly every track, leaving the electric leads to guests J. Mascis (Dnsr. Junior) and "Gown" (an actual gown).
And speaking of guests, look who's at my door! Why, it's Mikhail Baryshnikov! (*performs tap dance; helps the kids put on a variety show to save the Clubhouse*)
Twelve titles are listed. Of these, one is a tape recording of Thurston dicking around at age 13, one is a half-minute noise loop, and three are instrumentals. Seven of the tracks feature the violin as a prominent instrument. These same seven feature The Crucifucks' Steve Shelley on drums. None of these facts are important, but you may want to memorize them in case they come up as a Quiz Bowl question. That way you won't look as stupid as I did when I buzzed in on a question about a 'Latin Christmas Carol' and answered "O Tannenbaum."
A lot of this CD sounds like an acoustic Sonic Youth album, and that's not a bad thing at all. Thurston's ear for musical tone is in full effect, and the mixture of acoustic strumming/arpeggiating, electric soloing and violin swooping sounds full-bodied and gorgeous the entire time. The only problem is that, as pleasingly mature as it is, the songwriting is also very hit-or-miss.
Speaking of 'hit-or-miss,' remember that time I reviewed Gwar's Ragnarok? Man, it seems like it was only yesterday....
(*computer screen gets all wavey*)
"Unfortunately, though RagNaRok is definitely HARDER than the last album, its songwriting is still so hit or miss it might as well be called The Milwaukee Brewers!
Or are the Brewers good? I haven't watched a baseball game in like 40 years. If they're good, put in some team that really sucks, like the Washington Senators or something. Because nobody SUCKS like a Senator!!!!! That's their new nickname. I also designed some new uniforms for them. All the numbers are made out of dicks, and then there's a velour tongue that waggles all over them and squirts out water as the players move around."
(*computer screen gets all wavey*)
Yeah, those were good times.
Damn good times.
Trees Outside The Academy is at its best when it's dark and moody with a driving 4/4 rock beat. "Frozen Gtr," "Silver>Blue" and "Off Work" are perfect encapsulations of brooding activity -- the troubled but motivated angry pacer. That was a terrible description. I am aware of this. But these songs are (a) troubled, yet (b) don't wallow in the troubles and cry. They move forward determinedly, perhaps to get revenge on somebody. That's the psychological and emotional sense I get from them. Luckily, I lack the skill or vocabulary to clearly explain WTF I'm talking about.
And by "WTF," I of course mean the "World Trade FUCK - AN AIRPLANE!"
See, we can laugh about it now because lots of people have died since then, most of them not in airplane-related terrorism attacks. This is also why Holocaust Jokes are uproarious. Look, here's one:
Knock knock!
I meant to type "Hal O'Caust" there, but you see what I'm trying to say. Other top tunes include total 'Sonic Youth Unplugged' candidate "The Shape Is In A Trance" and relaxed daydreamy David Gilmoury "Never Day." But what good is a list of song titles with the phrase "I like" or "I don't like" next to each one? Let's get down to the nitty-gritty solids of why this album only earns a 6 out of 10, or 60%, which seems like an above average rating but actually represents complete failure according the U.S. Educational School System.
Oh no! It's my evil twin Gark Spindle! "Hi, I'm Gark Spindle. I love the Dave Matthews Band."
The reason it only earns a 6 out of 10 is that Thurston Moore's musical tastes as expressed through the music on this disc only correlate with my own about 60% of the time. My own musical tastes find the happy folk pleasantries of "Honest James" and "Fri/End" exceedingly dull, the half-assed piano improv "American Coffin" directionless and pointless, the fast garage rocker "Wonderful Witches + Language Meanies" lacking in the chorus department, the 6-minute chuggling instrumental title track far too long for its dearth of ideas, and the non-songs "Free Noise Among Friends" and "Thurston @13" cute for one listen but hardly worth the 3+ minutes of space they occupy. Plus, Thurston is holding a copy of Patti Smith's Horses on the inside booklet and that's a terrible record.
Hey look! It's a special visit from Stephen Thomas Erlewine of All-Music Guide! "Hi, I'm Stephen Thomas Erlewine. I love every single album ever released. Now if you'll excuse me, Mark Prindle of Mark Prindle's Family Place, I have to return to my own record review web site, The All-Music Guide."
Here's something I very likely have discussed elsewhere on the site (because I think about it often), but it bears repeating over and over and over so here it is again:
Everywhere you go online these days, you'll see message boards wherein one person says something like "So-and-so album is a complete piece of shit," then somebody else inevitably replies along the lines of "What makes you think you know everything about music? You seem to think that your opinions are facts; you should really begin statements like that with 'In my opinion.'" This line of argument only annoys me because I see it come up time and time again. Look -- if a person makes a statement that is obviously an opinion (for example, "So-and-so album is a complete piece of shit"; unless the album under discussion is in fact comprised of feces, THIS IS OBVIOUSLY AN OPINION), and if this person does not attribute the stated opinion to a third party, then isn't it clear that it's just the speaker's opinion? Is the phrase "In my opinion" really necessary? It's not like somebody's going to say "In my opinion, Bismarck is the capital of North Dakota." A fact is a fact, a factual error is a factual error, and an opinion is an opinion. There is no need to qualify ANY of these, unless you're like two years old and honestly can't tell the difference yet. So up your ass, Internet prix.
Hey look! There's The Fonz on his motorcycle, getting ready to jump over a
YOURS
Kim Gordon
Now, really. How can you go faulting Thurston for "Using the exact same
simplistic songwriting style in every single song" when here you are in
this review, ripping off your own material (ref. SUPERCHUNK - Come Pick
Me Up). Mark Prindle, you're a no-talent, gutless hack. I can't believe
your worthlessness as an artist. Clearly your creative energy dried up
around the time of your PiL reviews. You filthy, meat-rocket-eating wino
of a music critic.
Thank you Prindle! This album is pretty lame.
SONIC PEEE-EEEEEWWUUOUTH!
Shit man, based on your review I think its time I visited an ear specialist.
here's an amusing excerpt from an old spin-online interview with Lee Ranaldo:
let the people enjoy the music for the feeling they receive from it .you don't always have to dissect something . Thurston is a talented musician/artist and lets leave it at that
Thuston Moore is one of the most creative and innovative minds in music in the last 20 years. I, MYSELF feel as though Psychic Hearts is one of those rare and pure examples of true artistry. Complex rythems set against weaving intertangling chords flying all over the place and yet still in a tight structured groove. Listen to the title song " " or " ono soul" or if you really love music listen to "eulogy for the dead rock stars". perhaps
I totally disagree with your review, HOWEVER, it's still funny as shit
Speaking of Henry "The Fonz" Winkler, this is NOT ME --> http://crapple.iwarp.com/music/prindle_reviews_paul_mccartney.html
Who's there?
Hal!
Hal who?
Hal O'Ween!
To stick in my (Thurston) OAR, I'm really looking forward to the next Thurston MOORE album review, if only for your name puns, which I (Thurston) ADORE. I hope it won't be a (Thurston) CHORE to think up some MOORE. Perhaps you have a (Thurston) STORE of them? If not, I im(Thurston)PLORE you to go from (Thurston) DOOR to DOOR to make (Thurston) SURE. Please don't ig(Thurston)NORE this suggestion. Perhaps your dog could lend a (Thurston) PAW or CLAW? Failing that, he should GORE and GNAW YOUR SOREs RAW.
Sharks love Thurston Moore. Click here to purchase.