Longmont Potion Castle

"I did not order any dog shit from you!"
*special introductory paragraph!
*Subliminal Propaganda: Various Artists Compilation
*Volume 4
*Split-Single with Hatebeak
*Longbox Option Package

Longmont Potion Castle is the most likely meaningless pseudonym of a nice young Colorado man who enjoys making prank phone calls. But his pranks aren't of the Jerky Boy sort where he comes up with a wacky character and creates a hilarious skit of Saturday Night Live proportions. Instead, he alternates between a few simple concepts - a UPS guy trying to deliver some ridiculous package to a person that didn't order anything, a belligerent moron who calls people just to pick fights, a nuisance who phones local businesses over and over and over again asking if they have non-existent items in stock - for the sheer thrill of making people extremely angry. And if you're looking for 75 to 90 minutes of pure pissedoffness, toss your silly death metal CDs in the trash can (and then put stamps on your trash can and toss it in a mailbox with my address on it) because THIS is where it's at! You can't throw the tape 10 feet without hearing an angry old man or frazzled Radio Shack employee screaming, "I ordered a bowel!? YOU GO TO HELL!" or "PISS ON YOU!" or "Go to Hell and have a nice day!" or "What's your problem? And what can I do to get you to FUCK OFF?!?" or "BRING A FUCKING GUN! DO IT! NOW! ASSHOLE!" Heck, half the time Mr. Castle doesn't even bother including his part of the conversation on the tape, which makes the bizarre comments all the MORE hilarious as you sit and wonder, "What kind of conversation would lead to this person saying, `A glue fountain with wasps? No, we make concrete fountains!'" But that's the nature. The nature of Longmont Potion Castle. So do yourself a Favor Fav and enjoy some LPC right now!

And when you finish your Lentucky Pried Chicken, listen to some Cows!

Subliminal Propaganda: Various Artists Compilation - D.U. 1989
Rating = 8

Once upon a midnight dreary, a young man pondered weak and weary, and noticed that his mother's answering machine recorded calls on his chamber door. So he started pranking people, even though a real loud beep'll let them all know what he's calling for, and when will he stop bugging them? - quoth Lou Reed's The Raven, "Nevermore."

At the beginning of his prank call career, Mr. Castle was trying to create art. "Phone work" he calls it at one point. FUNNY art, but art nonetheless, rather than just a straight prank call tape. Instead what you hear is a bunch of poorly recorded (due for a hot digital remastering!) people getting angry on the phone. Most of the time, Castle's voice has been completely removed - except for rare occasions when you hear him, in a dumb tough southerner accent, threaten to make people "meet my fist!" (typical response: "You want me to meet your fish?"), at times replaced with "meet my whip!," "meet my pipe!," "meet my clamp!" or "meet my foot!" He doesn't come across as a very CLEVER prank caller yet, but he sure does know how to "get a rise" out of people - a hell of a lot better than I know how to "get a raise" out of my boss anyway! Heh heh hell!

But as this is supposedly a "various artists compilation," it's not all just "phonework." Interspersed with the screams of "I DIDN'T ORDER ANYTHING! YOU BASTARD!," you'll find a lot of echoed samples, pointless lo-fi drumbeats, quivery sped up and slowed down keyboard songs and funny samples from movies and other things on a screen. Indeed, you'll even hear Castle and the Castle Associates, LLC calling radio talk shows to sing awful folks songs and rap numbers. But this is all just window dressing (though some of it is great fun). The true purpose for this tape's existence is to (a) remind us of a simpler time when old people believed anything you told them (come on, what kind of packaging store moron would take seriously a caller who says, "I need you to package a crawdad"?), (b) make it clear exactly how annoying it can be when a prank caller keeps dialing you over and over and over again, and (c) demonstrate how fuckin' funny people can be when they lose their temper. BUY IT! Go to his web site and BUY it! Ninety minutes! 8 dollars! I can't remember the url! Look it up on Yahoo!

No no, not the search engine! Look it up on some dumb yahoo from the country! Maybe he'll know where it is! If not, try counting to a Googol! If nothing else, it's Excite-ing!

These and other hilarious laughs can be found in Mark Prindle's hilarious new joke book, "Riddles for the Information Superhighway Generation X - To the Extreme!"

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II - D.U. 1992
Rating = 8

The time is 3:06 PM eastern. I've been awake since 5:00 AM eastern vomiting and trying to make my headache go away. I'm exhausted, in great pain and thus unable to sleep and I can't get the first two lines of "Double Shot Of My Baby's Love" out of my head. I feel like somebody shoved a long metal pole all the way through the right side of my head, starting in the baaack and coming out of my right eye in the front. And I've been walking around with this pole all day, not realizing it's there. Can't open eyes. Pain, exhaustion -- PRANK PHONE CALLS!

On this, the second tape, Longy pisses the hell out of people's off, generally by claiming he's a UPS delivery guy trying to deliver a bowel. Strangely, nobody wants a bowel, nor do they want to pay the delivery fee that Longy claims they owe him. Why on Earth do these morons not just hang up on him? Why do they become violently defensive whenever he makes some ridiculous threat about bringing his whip to somebody's lip? It's just ludicrous! Is everyone in Colorado just a big stupid asshole? How is it possible that THIS many people don't realize that they're being pranked when a UPS guy says he has "the Siamese peacock bowel you ordered"? Or the "lesbian magnet"? Or the "hernia package"? And why aren't the local butchers laughing their asses off when he calls up to ask if they can "process some wasps" or "grind Emilio" for him? Sure, he's got a convincingly emotionless delivery, but come on - what kind of jackoff STAYS ON THE PHONE when a caller, in the course of one minute, requests "Eel Jerky," "Wasp Jerky," "Eel Bowel" and "Antelope Wad"?

But again - that's not even why you're here. The real reason is to hear how astonishingly ANGRY these people get! I mean, you can almost see the veins on their foreheads throbbing, pounding and bursting open as they unleash such classic verbal attacks as:

"I ordered a bowel?!? YOU GO TO HELL!"
"Hog jowel?!? YOU'RE FULL OF SHIT!"
"I didn't order no dog bowel! I'm gonna sue you! UP YOUR FUCKIN ASS I WILL!!!!! Andre the Giant bowel?"

And of course, the threat so dumb, Longy calls the guy back at the end of the tape and keeps repeating it to him over and over, "How would you like a 12-gauge in your HEAD?!"

After reading all these threats I've just dictated from you (by the way, no two of those threats are from the same call - THAT'S how angry this guy gets people), it occurs to me that Colorado isn't just the home of Longmont Potion Castle; it's also the home of South Park and Columbine High. Which reminds me - here's an interesting link that a friend sent me a few days ago: http://www.hardylaw.net/Truth_About_Bowling.html

I should warn thou though: I don't think he had 90 minutes of calls, but he really wanted to fill up a 90-minute tape. He plays some fantastic thrash and indie rock, but he also samples lots of TV shows and movies in what seems to be just an attempt to fill space on side B. Sorry to end abruptly - there's a little man named Urine in my penis and he wants to go swimming.

Reader Comments

Exotic lotion cookies. Lesbian Mummy. Poop bowel. Forbidden Nectar. THIS GUY IS A FUCKING GENIUS! His repeated calls to the cranky old man identified as "Delmo" belong in the comedy lexicon. I love how Delmo evolves from supremely pissed to almost friendly at the end (even if he did turn down Longmont's offer to send him a copy of his tape). My favorite quote from the whole disc:

"Do you want me to go to the bathroom on you?"
"Well, if you think you're man enough, then go ahead."

Can someone please get this man a federal grant of some sort?

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III - D.U. 1995
Rating = 8

Since we began Operation Iraqi Freedom a few days ago, hundreds of thousands of letters have poured in asking what Jello thinks of the war. Well, since everybody is tossing their stupid opinions around like anybody gives a shit what they think, I'll toss my ideas out there for you to chew on and think about. First of all, as everybody knows, George W. Bush grew up in Iraq, and his best friend was a young boy named Osama bin Laden. When they grew up and planned the World Trade Center attack together, it was - oh hang on, somebody's at the door.

*tough but gooshy sounds like a knife being shoved through wet cardboard, bloodcurdling screams, loud plopping noise*

Hi! I'm John Ashcroft and I just wanted to let you know about the hilarious new Longmont Potion Castle cassette entitled III! Boy, the first time I heard this tape, all the foul language upset me so much I spent $8,000 to cover the tape player with a big sheet. But the more I listen to it, the more I think I like it! First of all, the calls are longer than on the previous three, which gives me a lot more time to put a tap on his phone and find out exactly where he's calling from. Secondly, there are fewer music interruptions than on the last tape, giving children less of an opportunity to be lured over to the Devil's side. Thirdly, Mr. Castle doesn't waste your time and mine running his recorded calls through looping machines and echo units, instead presenting them in a safe, normal way that shows respect to all human beings. Because we have no king but Jesus. I thank God for this tape and for you readers, who recognize and commit yourselves to the proposition that we were so created, and that to live with respect to the Creator promises us the greatest potential as a nation and as individuals. And for such we must reacquaint ourselves daily with His call upon our lives. Just as you'll love to reacquaint yourselves daily with Longmont Potion Castle's hilarious calls upon unsuspecting Coloradoans' lives. I now turn the review over to Vice President Cheney.

Thank you, John. The primary objective of this tape's economic policy is faster growth that leads to (GASP) MY HEART!!! I CAN'T BREATHE!!!

Ha ha! I hope you all enjoyed that hilarious slice of topical political humor! I like to poke fun at our leaders as much as the next guy, but sometimes it's time to be serious. And when that time comes, I feel it's important to support our President, even if his poor decisions demonstrate all the judgment of a braindead monkey being dragged around on a leash by a bunch of asshole businessman liars. And it's also important that we show our support to the troops by aggressively blinding ourselves to the fact that our current administration doesn't give a shit how many of them are killed as long as we see economic gain at the end of all this. The ends justify the means. George W. Bush - what a "Prince" of a guy! If your father or brother or son dies in Iraq - as many Americans have already - try for just five seconds to see through the whitewash of faux-patriotic lies that the major media are forcing down your throat every minute of the day, and honestly ask yourself these questions: Do you really give a shit whether or not Saddam Hussein rules Iraq? What impact does it have on your life? Do you really think that your loved one's life in exchange for Hussein's deposement - IN A LAND YOU WILL NEVER EVER VISIT OR CARE ABOUT IN YOUR LIFE - was a fair trade? I sure don't. I'm no protesting hippy, but I do know that our current administration doesn't give a FLYING FUCK about whether your loved ones in the armed forces die or not. If they did, they would take these things into consideration before sending them in to conduct ground combat in a two-bit shit republic full of people who WILL HATE US NO MATTER WHO IS IN CHARGE OF THEIR COUNTRY. They're dirtpoor, we're filthy rich. They're Muslims, we're the Devil. This isn't our fight. It just isn't. There are terrible dictators all over the world. Either we gotta take `em ALL on, or we gotta face the fact that you can't help everybody. One thing we sure as HELL have to do is not fall for this "Operation Iraqi Freedom" bullshit. The only thing stupider than believing Bush gives a fuck about the Iraqi people is allowing your concentration level to drop to such an easily manipulated level that you HONESTLY FEEL THAT THE FRENCH ARE OUR ENEMIES. For what? For having the balls to tell George W. Bush he's a self-centered imbecile? HE IS A SELF- CENTERED IMBECILE. Come on, the French? WHO FUCKING CARES ABOUT THE FRENCH!??!?! DID THEY PLAY SOME ROLE IN 9/11 THAT I DIDN'T HEAR ABOUT???? THEY HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS!!! The senator who came up with the idea of "Freedom Fries" absolutely deserves to have the living shit kicked out of him. The world's stupid enough without our lying, one-sided leaders making it even stupider with declarations like that. Who are the ass-backwards fuckwads who chose that man to represent their community?

"The Barbarians! They've killed our men and taken them hostage!" We've killed hundreds and hundreds of their men. "The monsters! Breaking all of these important treaties!" How many have we broken? We're breaking one right now. Our leaders don't even bother with spin anymore - they just LIE and figure nobody will be dumb enough to contest what they say. If anybody does, they'll just get booed for being unpatriotic anyway. I'm not saying Michael Moore is a genius or anything, but he got booed for telling Bush "Shame on you." Why? Why should we support our president when he makes a terrible, terrible, terrible decision and ignores every single argument and protest against it? HE'S AN ASSHOLE!!!! THEY'RE ALL A BUNCH OF ASSHOLES!!! HOW CAN PEOPLE NOT SEE THIS????? THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH TERRORISM OR IRAQI FREEDOM. You want Saddam dead? You drop the sanctions. You befriend him. You butter him up. Then you call a meeting and have a secret operative ASSASSINATE HIM. How hard can that be? If 60 Minutes can get that close to Saddam, why can't a CIA assassin? Why waste so many lives? Because, again, OUR LEADERS DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT US. What ever happened to politicians that really CARE? Like Spiro Agnew and Millard Fillmore?

The tape's really good. Longmont keeps changing nonsense terms into names of people he's asking for and then back into nonsense terms (example: "I asked you about the zingers."/"The zingers?"/"Yeah, I need to talk to Hershel Klinger."). He also has an incredibly funny delivery - very droll and dry, no matter what ridiculous thing he is saying. The last quarter of the tape runs out of steam, but up until that, it's just humorous prank followed by more of the same. Say! People who are into the "Church of the Subgenius" are dorks who think they're not dorks! Luckily, I can point at them at laugh because I'm "cool" like the Fonzie. Ayyyyyyyyyyy!!!

How about this call where he calls the Gomez residence, the woman who answers says, "They moved away a year and a half ago; I still get calls for them all the time," and then he BRILLIANTLY with no fuss or flutter whatsoever responds, "No no, I AM Gomez. I'm calling to check on my messages." HA!!! Then he goes on to offer the woman jewelry and diamonds if she will come to work for his "business"!!!! People - he's FUNNY!!!! And he's got this phone trick box that makes his voice speed up and slow down as he's talking, confusing the hell out of all the radio shows he calls - HA! And his annoying UPS guy has taken to responding to challenges like "I didn't order any centipedes!" with retorts like "Well how about if we THROW the centipedes at you?"

How about THIS genius exchange:

Yes, do you sell Wedge of Mackarel?
This is a pharmacy!
Oh. Then how about Hunk of Tortoise?

He's not dumb, fellows! He's a goose! How about when he calls Dunkin Donuts to ask if he can "maneuver their donuts" and "place them strategically throughout the store"? Who would think to conduct such a bizarre, insane phone conversation? I'LL tell you who!!! This guy whose name I'm not supposed to tell you. His ideas are just so WEIRD! "Would you embroider my foot?" "Could you harbor my stick insect?" And what about when he tries to BARTER for a copy of Wizard of Wor for Atari 2600? And what does he have to offer in this barter? Well, putty. Wrought iron. Teak. A '67 Mercury Cougar that's missing all the doors, windows, wheels and tires. A zebra. Hummels. Pottery. Bronze statues. Souvenir spoons. But darn it - NO SALE!

Why aren't you buying these tapes yet? 90 minutes each! $8 apiece. Available at http://www.longmontpotioncastle.com/merchandise/lpcmerchandise.htm. Don't delieate! Order to date!

Reader Comments

Mark thanks for spreading the word on the genius that is LPC, I’ve been listening to this stuff in amazement. Like the AT&T vs MCI call where the guy (Henry) sounds like Hank Hill complaining about “pornography for children to watch”. He doesn’t even have to say anything to the guy just step aside and let the guy talk.

Dirk Funk, holy crap that’s funny. I love the one where the guy tries for 10 minutes to get his credit card number so he can claim his ‘award’. Too many more to mention.

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Volume 4 - Post Replica 2002
Rating = 7

A record company said "Hey Guy Whose Name I'm Not Gonna Say In These Reviews Even Though I Know It, I like your tapes and want to put out two `Greatest Hits' CDs with material from them." He said, "Yes." And they did, and might be good. But I don't have them proper. So this is the earliest CD I have by LPC. It's not as consistent as the tapes (nor is it anywhere near as "avant-garde"), but it was good enough to make me BUY the tapes, so take THAT to the Banks, Ernie and Cash it, Johnny!

The fellow who arranged this CD is named Travis Ryan and he sings for a band called Cattle Mutilation - you can read an interview with him on the Internet on a site called www.markprindle.com/ryan-i.htm, but be warned - the stupid interviewer had never even heard of Longpot Montion Castle when he conducted the interview, so there's no mention in there of this, there. He'd also never even heard the LOCUST!!! I LOVE the Locust! Can you believe that guy? What a space cadet! He can gag me while we spoon!

Volume 4, featuring a CD cover "take-off" parody of Black Sabbath's similarly titled fourth LP (starring Ozzy Osbourne of The Osbournes), this features a bunch of new calls mixed in with old calls and even some calls that were on the TAPES, though I'm hoping that's because they weren't on the Greatest Hits CDs, but having unheard the latter, I shant comment.

Jesus Christ, what's happening to my spelling? I of course meant "I shat Comet" - it hurt like Hell, but what a sparkling commode!

His newer calls feature pristine recording conditions, a lower man-voice and some uproarious echo, speed-maneuvering and looping effects that totally wack the respondents' shit ALL the fuck up, bitch! But a lot of the older calls are just pointless. Like less interesting exact replicas of earlier calls. LUCKILY THERE ARE 68 TRACKS TO CHOOSE FROM!

Hear Sidney Poitier utter those famous words, "NOBODY IN THIS HOUSE ORDERED ANY MILLIPEDES!" AND "FUCK YOU!"

Hear an angry yet calm man take the phone from his female employee for this moving yet calm exchange:

"Who is this?"
"My name's Bert!"
Well. Fuck you, Bert!"

Hear Mr. Castle bust into a horse-smackingly bad hip-hop song to a record store employee, claim it's by a "Dougan Nash," then upon being told that they don't have anything by that artist, immediately ask, "How about Orville Sash?"

Hear his false UPS character respond to the valid question, "WHAT'S MY NAME?" with the equally invalid response, "I can't divulge that information over the phone; it's UPS policy."

Hear his tough guy character utter the skin-clenching threat, "My needs will be met or my fists will be met - by your JAW!"

Hear the first person to ever call a strip club and ask, "You got any of those baked potatoes?"

Hear him respond to a life insurance telemarketer with the nervous response, "Am I in danger? Is that what you're telling me?"

Hear him respond to a bored Y2K survey questioner by explaining that he's not worried because he has created a 200-cubic yard microwave that he's going to enter on New Year's Eve and transport himself forward ten years." And the caller DOESN'T EVEN NOTICE. She immediately - without pause or humor - restates her question, "So would that be `probably will,' `maybe will,' `maybe will not,' or `probably will not'?" To be honest, I don't even think she notices when his true answer turns out to be "Probably will maybe could not!"

Let me point out that I'm well aware that these reviews are for the most part not reviews at all but just quotes - because THAT'S what's going to sell you on this guy's work if you're going to be sold. Nothing I can possibly write here is going to have an effect anywhere NEAR that of just telling you that at one point he calls a Radio Shack to announce, "I'm warbling a lot. I need some kind of adaptor." WHY ON EARTH WOULD SOMEBODY DO THAT!?!??!?

You might find this CD in your cooler record stores. Don't worry that it only gets a 7 - the thing's like 74 minutes long and a good 50 of those are so funny you'll squirt milk out of your nose.

BREAST milk!!!! (*masturbates*)

Reader Comments

Firstly, this LPC dude sounds mental. Obscure as a mutha, but a mind like that is not to be sniffed at. I gotta check this stuff out. Thankyou Mark Prindle.

Secondly, my real reason for writing. That piece on the war in Iraq cuts the crap and basically tells it exactly like it is, and as a "Brit" disgusted by Tony Blair's gutless ass-kissing and foul waste of life in this affair, I am refreshed and happy to hear an intelligent dissenting voice from the US. All we see on British television is a supposed mass of blind American support for this shit, apart from Michael Moore (who incidentally I saw dissed the other day as he lives in an expensive house. Hmmm...). I'm curious to know if the fact that no-one's posted any comments about this is because these here webkidz can't be bothered reading about some freaky prank caller with a weird name, or is it coz a lot of folk are pro-Bush/anti-free thought? Thinking about it, it's gotta be the former, if the reaction from American Radiohead fans about the title of their new album ("Hail To The Thief") is anything to go by. Straight up, the other day I was reading all these extreme knee-jerk reactions in the NME, along the lines of "I'll never listen to them again, how dare they insult our great leader etc etc". Incredible really...Radiohead are BLATANTLY a commie pinko outfit for a start. ThomYorke ain't exactly John Wayne is he? How many right-wing warmongers whine about being creeps and weirdos? (apart from when they're with the local dominatrix i guess....)

In summary, dissenting speech is pretty much outlawed now, UK and US. France, home of the Resistance, have far more balls, what with local farmers wrecking MacDonalds as globalisation protest and the like. Big business runs the world and no matter who is in charge this will not change. Our "leaders" do not and will not listen. The media will brainwash and manipulate and even if you're a sophisticated erudite free-thinking dude or dudette it's hard not to be affected. Lies and more lies - why isn't Mugabe getting his ass kicked for killing his own people and being one of the worst dictators around? spell O - I - L...

On the whole, it's all pretty depressing shit. Thank the Little Baby Jesus that there is music, sweet music...nice one Mark, get 'em fuckin' told man...

Oh, my god. I don't usually use expressions like 'oh, my god', but this guy is funny as poo-poo. How can these people not know they are being pranked?

Jaw dropping stupidity and weirdness. Every track (68 total!) is a race to the finish between stupid people and the super-strange prankster. The winner is usually indicated by track length. The 4 minute recordstore track (nash) is stunning.

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Late-Eighties-Vein - Insides Music 2003
Rating = 7

Unlike all the cassette tapes I reviewed, which can be purchased at your local Cassette Bar, this latest compact disc can only be purchased on a line. At http://go.to/insidesmusic. This major (-ly small) label issues CDs of a bunch of weirdos making beeping noises, as well as this latest release by the king of prank phone calls, Longfellow Portly Cabin. You see, people have tapes of themselves from childhood, and eventually, if gutted enough, those tapes run out of funny stuff. Mr. Castle is on the verge if not over it. I almost gave this disc a lowly 6 until I realized how unnecessary it was for him to tell a Rec Center employee that he was a Hindu. It's that kind of thing that makes the disc worthwhile. His obviously PRANKISH pronunciation of "awesome" as "Ooooowsum." His insistence that a couple's (non-existent) mallards are traipsing through his front yard, compounded by the horrendous (and unnoticed) pun, "Do you wanna come down here and take a gander?" His stupid-as-shit call to a local Date Line, which reveals that he has entered himself as a "9 feet 9 inches tall" man weighing in at 310 pounds. His pathetic call to an Orange Julius that results in the employee saying, "Anyone dumb enough to be pranking an Orange Julius stand really needs to find something better to do." His patheticer call to ANOTHER Orange Julius that finds him asking, "Do you have extra large food?" These are the lower gutter level of LPC calls, but even the lower gutter level is fairly entertaining.

The best call is a bonus track, although I'm not sure why it's hidden at the end, considering how great it is. It begins with LPC (or a friend, it's hard to tell) harrassing a 13-year-old goth suicidal kid about a Super Nintendo, and concludes with the boy's father uttering the frighteningly Deliverance-esque threat, "I'd fuck you up the butt any time, and I'd enjoy doing it!" Unlike the rest of us, who would be rendered speechless by such a creepy, unnecessarily homoerotic threat, Longmont misses not a beat before responding, "Ah, you're suckin' some serious dick now, my man."


Not enough anger, but still, if you're into albums like Two's Next and Another View, surely you can appreciate everything a young artist like Longview Preen Daystle has to offer. A UPS delivery from "Peacock Hut"? A man who wants 4500 pounds of manure? A guy who wants an Asian laundromat to "dry clean my tongue"? Don't be afraid of confrontational humor. It's not like anybody REALLY got hurt, no matter how annoyed they may sound on tape.

Today was a good day, Diary. I took my dog wading in Central Park, and called my friend Gregg. We talked about The Who and he pointed out a hilarious (and pointless) reference to "Don't Let Go The Coat" in his song "Gore & Guts." Then I ate at Pizza Uno.

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Split-Single with Hatebeak - Reptilian 2004
Rating = 7

If you believe the old wives' tale that a record company is in business to sell records, you have to wonder what in Jesus Christ His Holiness, The One True Son of Our Heavenly God Who Art In Heaven Hallowed By Thy Name By Kingdom Come Thy Will Be Done On Earth As It Is In Heaven Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread And Forgive Us Our Debts As We Forgive Our Debtors And Lead Us Not Into Temptation But Deliver Us From Evil For Thine Is The Kingdom And The Power And The Glory Forever Amen's name Reptilian Records was thinking when they decided to release a single featuring two industrial speed metal instrumentals by a prank call artist backed by two death metal instrumentals sung by a slowed down, distorted tape of a parrot.

Are the songs good? Sure, they're fine. LPC's "Metal Interlude #0" and "Metal Interlude #0.5" feature pummelling speedy fake drums, industrial drill guitar chuggling (sounds like about eight sludgey guitars piled on top of each other and separated into eight different speakers), and ludicrously speedy, ugly and high-pitched guitar solos hop-and-skipping from channel to channel. He's included tracks like these on his prank call albums too, and they're always enjoyable. I mean, you wouldn't want to sit through a whole ALBUM of high-speed distorted loud blasts of choogila-choogila-choogila with no vocals, but for one side of a single, it's a real gas mask!

The Hatebeak side is a disappointment though. The artwork is hilarious, mind you -- a parody of a Judas Priest album cover with the Carcass parody title "Beak Of Putrefaction." But here's what gets me - The liner notes claim that "the vocals have no effects on them. The vocals were performed by a parrot through the use of a studio," but it doesn't SOUND like a parrot. It MUST be slowed down or altered somehow because parrots simply DO NOT SOUND LIKE THIS. There's another band you can find on the Internet that plays death metal with a pit bull singing, and that one is hilarious because you can TELL it's a pit bull yet it really DOES sound like a death metal vocalist! But this one is just this low sludgy reverbed "Rrrack! Rrrack!" that could very well be a human being pretending to be a parrot. Not that I'm insinuating that that's what they're doing, but there's something weird going on here and I demand to know what it is. Having said that, the actual MUSIC is solid death metal, with some speedy black metal bits and slower sludge trudge moments. And "God Of Empty Nest" is a pretty funny song title too.

Which brings me back to my original question -- who is the audience for this single supposed to be? Are there actually people out there who are into Longmont Potion Castle solely for the metal interludes? Or bird enthusiasts who also happen to be huge Carcass fans? If so, those folks will absolutely LOVE the guest bedroom where I store all my bird carcasses!

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5 - Reptilian 2005
Rating = 7

If you have a phone, don't pick it up. Because Longmont Potion Castle's back on the trail, and this time he's coming for YOU!

Yes, that's so. After 10-some-odd years in hibernation, Longmont Potion Castle has bought a new AT&T calling card (so you can't trace the actual number he's calling from - ZING!) and is using it to torment and terrorize the humorless, braindead citizens of his Colorado city or wherever he lives. They say that with age comes experience and finally wisdom, but such is definitely not the case for these idiot adults who, though very grown up and probably possessing jobs and families of their own, are still incapable of realizing that a guy who vehemently demands postage due on a delivery of Chinese bowling balls might not actually be employed by UPS. Furthermore, I suppose it's good to be aware of your rights under the Constitution, but not to the point where you take seriously repeated calls from a man offering to pay you $450 if you'll tell him who you plan to vote for.

Why is it that, out of 25-some-such crank calls -- and I mean OBVIOUS crank calls -- only maybe three people display a normal, intelligent reaction (i.e. either laugh about it or get pissed off about being crank called)? Don't try to tell me that it's because he only put the ENTERTAINING calls on here because, as evidenced by the go-nowhere borefestivals "Hop Sing," "Delmo," "Sausage Lady," "Kemosabe" and "All Caps," that's simply not the case. If anything, he wrecks a solid 17 tracks of hilarity and heavy metal by sticking on too many calls that are similar to the others but without the fun. And TEN MINUTES(!?!) of "3-way mayhem"!?(!?!)! There are only so many times you can listen to this exchange -- "Can I help you?" "Uhh... you called me!" "No I didn't." "Some guy called here and then put me on hold." "Well, it wasn't us." "Okay" -- before you realize that nobody in this situation will EVER say anything interesting or unexpected. They're at work. They DON'T CARE.

But enough Negative Nellyism. As I said, a good 17 of these calls will have your stitches rolling down the aisle all the way to the bank due almost entirely to the naivete of LPC's fellow residents. Here are a few classic responses to listen for:

"United Parcel? Yeah? Fuck you! Drop dead!"

"I've already dealt with this squid shit before with you people!"

"You got the wrong number. It's midnight. QUIT CALLING ME. QUIT CALLING ME. QUIT CALLING ME. QUIT CALLING ME."

"Dude, shut the fuck up! You're a fucking idiot!"

"I don't care if it's a tank full of PUSSY!"

"I'm not sure that we're talking the same language."

As for LPC and his LPC ways, he's still (obviously) having great success with his false UPS deliveries, although respondents seem less disturbed by his physical threats this time around; maybe they just find it as amusing as I do that his normal-man's voice suddenly adopts a thick Southern accent whenever he says halfway through a call, "I'm o' WHIP yo ayyysss!" He's also still making calls with his voice through an effects processor, using names like "Spencer Zebra," "Fennel Cartwright" and "Frickey Weaver," and making up such sickening food products as "Aqualamb," "Chowder Julius" and "Wovenloaf." Why fix something if it isn't broken? Like a hymen, for example. Why fix that? Leave it alone! Let her get married or ride a horse. Put your hammer away, overprotective Dad!

So where are the innovations? Oh, they're around here and there, disguised as normal LPC fare. Take note of how many times he calls people over and over and over long after they've threatened to call the police. Check out how he calls a hair salon and requests a full-body weave. Check out how he claims that he's "been in the water for 44 years, and on the sea for half of those years!" Check out how (in the track "Fennel Cartwright") he interrupts EVERY SINGLE WORD the guy says. Check out how he tells a pill salesman that his date of birth is "2/8/92/42/84/22" and his middle initial is "VBX." Check out how he portrays MULTIPLE UPS employees for the sole purpose of driving ignorant people to distraction ("I'm a supervisor down here at United Parcel. I know you've talked to two of my employees tonight; what seems to be the problem? We've got a flag on your account that shows you're a problem customer. Something to do with a squid?").

One thing though - you have to learn to like to laugh. If you don't love lots of laughs, then Longmont Lotion Lastle is the "last le" you'll want to listen to. Why? Well, I'll tell you why. Because then what happens if his funniness makes you laugh? You'll be up Fucked Creek without a paddle!

On a scale of 1 to 10, I give this album a TEN!!! Then I take away three.

Since I've been called a hilaritian, here's another new joke for you, direct from me:

Q. What's the difference between Fay Wray and Billy Joel?

A. Fay Wray has never RIDDEN a good KONG!

(*confused, disappointed silence*)

Q. Okay. Then what's the difference between George Bush and Billy Joel?

A. Well, before he led the invasion against Saddam Hussein, George Bush was incapable of CITING a decent WRONG!

(*multiple sighs; the sound of people checking their watches*)

Q. Hmm. Okay, then what's the difference between Prince and Billy Joel?

A. It's possible to call Prince "The Artist" without busting out laughing!

(*uncomfortable coughs; the sickening noise of a man banging his head against the wooden seat in front of him*)

Q. Okay, then what's the difference between a chestnut tree and Billy Joel?

A. With any luck, only a few more whiskey sours!

(*"SHUT UP!"; moans; the dribble of urine on a concrete floor*)

Q. What's the difference between Paul McCartney and Billy Joel?

A. Paul McCartney had RINGO as a DRUMMER -- When you hear Billy Joel SING, O it's a BUMMER!!!

(*1 million knuckle-birds fly*)

Q. Alright then, what's the difference between a piece of poop and Billy Joel?

A. A piece of poop comes OUT your ass!

(*is punched*)

Q. Ow!

A. Owls? Where?

Add your thoughts?

Longbox Option Package - D.U. 2006
Rating = 8

Hello there and good evening. You know, it's been said that alcohol and rock music don't mix, and no further evidence of this maxim need be put forth than the review I wrote last eve (or, more accurately, in the wee wee hours of this morning) for Longmont Potion Castle's Longbox Option Package box set. After the imbibination of six shots of the haunting "42 Below"-brand kiwi-flavored vodka (proudly boasting 42% alcohol content, as opposed to your usualembarrassing 35 and 40% watered-down horseshit) and a large smelly Mexican dinner with all the fixin's, I sat down at this very computer at which you are now glancing, and penned the absolute worst review I have ever written in my life. Humor? None. Insight? None. Things I shouldn't have written? Fourteen Googol. The review was so rotten in fact that the Castle itself called me up and said, "Let's just skip the review then." But my time isn't the world's time, and this attitude must cease post-mediate. As such, I hereby present to you a specially edited version of last night's failure. So please raise your hands and clap your arms to welcome Everything Worth Reading From The Review I Wrote While Drunk Off An Ass Last Night!

Incidentally, being drunk is interesting. Alcoholics should try it sometime; maybe it could help wean them off of alcohol.


This is an 8-disc box set featuring every single Longmont Potion Castle CD plus a DVD with the guy dressed as a bunny walking around.... and.... pranking a TV chiropractor show.... pranking people over the phone while his friend secretly videotapes them in their stores.... Downs Syndrome People.... a guy burning leaves in his yard plus the VERY FIRST, UNRELEASED LPC CD WHEN HE WENT BY A DIFFERENT NAME. If you have the money of a genius, buy this box set and note.... the liner notes (which are hidden horribly, evilly behind the front cover where nobody can find them.) Isnj't the title funny? I did.....


Knock knock who's there....

He's funny. I laugh at the people getting angry ant him, so buy his full catalog on CD and DVD you can do it now! Just visit www.noisetent.com and pay him.... That's pretty awesome....

(note: As most of this next section does not involve the box set supposedly under review, I have left it here in its entirety, to give you some indication of how horrible the actual 'review' was before I truncated it for your reading enj -- well, not 'enjoyment,' but whatever noun might fit there.)

I just spent 8 days in Venezuela. What did you do, Mark Prindle? Why, I went canyoning in the Andes Mountains and I spent time looking at the DIPSHIT HORRIBLE GROTESQUE PIECES OF SHIT Indian Canoe People in Delta Orinconcon or whatever and I got bit by a billion mosquitos and I looked at fish and swam at Los Roques and got hideous stupidass sunbrun, and nobody speaks English and we ffished for Pirahna, and caught FIVe of the little prix, and cooked them up and tasted them and they didnt have much meat so we gave them to the cats that were there, and they had a Tapir that walked around sniffing everyghint and then blfidps dkddkle adsiao bdsakfld;a seostp bdnsas;a stlltel asndgksalg g gdnksaldsalfdl And my wife found a 42%-percent alcohol brand of vodka down there and bought it and we drank it tonite, and most US vodka is only 35 or 40 so we had it tonite and flle snfdkle aslsl bdnslka toetela snsltgl teotwo dnldsl tneotw aslwle qoeoanfs gnheorac gnhoaeho gehoah fgdshafod fdaho aoeweoah fodfnao oatehot vodahodah aotshosh bvodfhao aotehaots tdohsaoh fdsoafhsa oafdhsoafh aofdhafo afodhafosa fahfdosfha fdhsafohsa fdhoafdhsao fdohsafdhso fdsaohfdhao fafohdsafh fdsahfosha fdhsoafdhsoa fdsafodh fdsafodshaf and thew oman who served us at dinner tonite is 29 and alone and I made her feel lonely by saying "CHRIST! YOU'LL BE ALONE FOR EVER!!!" or somethinhg, i dont' know. Gonhorrhea? Also, fish biird tree ear lizards! HEY! I fed pepsi to lizards and they loved it! all these lizards kept drinking from my "LIZARD BAR of Pepsi! (pepsi in a drink cap). Lizards are hilaroius! And they lkove poepsi! Also the traffic in caracas was miserable because their big important bridge was destroyed in a mudslide. So there's this f8ive billion hour long detour. And we ate lots of sifh and nonsense. My sunburn looks so stupid. Longomong Potio ncastele is FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If this box set ever comes back onto print (?) you need to buy hte daylites out of it and lauff. But also the DVD has sides you havenj't heard or seenn of him. The film of that lamb folowing him that woud up on teh cover of one of his albums. And him dressing ian a bunny suit and playing guiartrar in a srestauarentealslastnreareestanatureantenateresuastnewsruareanttssrueuaresnstaduadtenresutaadnrndreutueuasndfdrueasnsndnrtuerueasdnndnsdnsandnsndnsndnsdnsnndsndnsnd My dick. Also, my dick. Gorf. Bajeislgnels.wqueotiewuqoweidldslks.cg.bjnhbdhjsaxvsafdsaf!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


(note: okay, back to the censored 'review')

I don't want bad things. Period. For anybody. The world is sad. Is this really "out of print"? Come on.... - get on the stick!

You fuckin'....!!!


So you see, alcohol and vodka do not mix. On a lighter note, if you can convince Longmont Potion Castle to sell you a copy of his hot new box set Longbox Option Package, you'll have sides splitting with laughter! Six CDs and one DVD worth! The other CD is comprised of the metal interludes from the first three cassette-turned-CDs though, so you won't be laughing at that one.

KICKIN' ASS, though??? Hell yeah! Also, I don't know what the Castle charges for its box set, but if it's a really good price, I'd raise the grade to a 9 or 10 for reasons of thrift. Good job, artists of today's comedy stage!

Add your thoughts?

6 - D.U. 2008
Rating = 8


"What? Will you get lost!? Ya got the wrong goddamned phone number, you jerk!"


"Are you as stupid as you sound!?"

"What the hell are you talking about? Who is this?"


"You're a fucking retard, dude. Seriously."

Yes, the yelling on the wall means it's time for another hour-and-eighteen-minutes of abuse from Longmont Potion Castle.

LPC: "Yeah, what'll you give me on a dog bowel? How much?"
Tool Salesman: "I don't buy shit like that, okay? I buy tools."
LPC: "No, you'll buy it. How much will you give me on it?"

Upset Woman: "I don't care who you are. If you have a problem, then you need to call the police."
LPC: "I might just do that."
Upset Woman: "Just go right ahead and do it!"
LPC: "Let me have your social security number."

LPC: "I'm gonna give you a citation."
Bartender: "Buddy, you're fuckin' full of shit, you understand that? Why don't you come over here and try to collect the money?"
LPC: "'Cuz I'll SUCCEED!"

LPC: "I'd like to talk to you a little bit about gangs this evening."
Woman: "Games? What kind of games?"
LPC: "No, gangs, ma'am.
Woman: "Gangs. Okay."
LPC: "Yeah, and I suggest you learn the pronunciation of the word. It's a serious topic in our society today. Dangerous? Sure. A bit frightening? Perhaps. I'll get back to that later. Right now I'd like to talk about something that needs to be addressed - suicide."

Bartender: "I have six cops sitting here on my bar stools. Do you wanna talk to one of them?"
LPC: "No!"

Dating Service Telemarketer: "I'd like to have one of the membership representatives call you back to explain -"
LPC: "I tell you what - why don't you just send 'em over, and we'll have a little pasta and some wine."
Dating Service Telemarketer: "It doesn't work that way."
LPC: "What, you want some pasta?"
Dating Service Telemarketer: "What they do is they call you to explain how it works. When would be the best time to call you?"
LPC: "How did you get my number? I'm just curious."
Dating Service Telemarketer: "It's a computer."
LPC: "Did Claire give you my number?"

LPC: "We need a contribution this evening."
Guy: "I don't have it!"
LPC: "And we send out a raffle to ya. And we need a contribution at this time from ya."
Guy: "Are you listening? Stop bothering me! I don't believe in that. I don't have it."
LPC: "Well, we're a network, sir. The Good Faith."
Guy: "I don't care about that. I don't believe in God, okay?"
LPC: "Well, neither do we!"

LPC: "I can't really make heads or tails of this new watch I picked up."
Saleswoman: "Okay, what don't you understand?"
LPC: "Well, I'm wearing a monocle. Could that have anything to do with it?"

His absurdity reaches new heights. His quick thinking is smarter than a whip. His ability to confuse and anger is at an all-time mountain peak.

"I've issued a citation to a finger puppet before!"

"I have a magic act -- I issue citations!"

"Bring it on! Right now! Come on! Put up your fists!"

"Wanna do a little butt slappin' tonight? Or -"

"Are you telling me that he didn't get that pinata?"

That's all the quotes I wrote down. But believe me - there's about 77 1/2 more minutes of them to enjoy! Although he starts a bit slow with some basic confused anger and an 8-minute call with little payoff, LPC on the third track hits pay dirt gold in a major way, and continues to hit it time and time again before ending with track 23's high-speed metal solo interlude. He is an extremely funny and quick-witted man who has added a few new "weapons" to his "arsenal" this time out. The first and most important weapon is this bald guy right here:

This man appears on at least five different tracks ("Moisturization," "Citation," "Sandyman," "Can O' B.S." and "Yucatan Suckerman") and is one of the most gullible, quickest-to-anger and slowest-to-hang-up marks that LPC has ever found. His inability to realize that he is being pranked is astonishing, and the lengthy, side-splitting "Moisturization" call deserves a place alongside "Mark Knopfler" and "The Tube Bar" as one of the ultimate classics of the prank call genre. Here is a quick summary of its events: LPC calls up a bartender and says he and his band have been referred to that bar for moisturization. The bartender explains that they only hire Latin bands. LPC is disheartened and tells the bartender that he'll have to issue the band a $175 refund. The bartender is confused. LPC explains that the bartender can pay them via PayPal, but he also has to cover the 7% fee that PayPal takes out. The bartender gets angry and refuses to pay. LPC makes a kind gesture, offering to cover the PayPal fee himself. The bartender remains angry and refuses to pay. LPC says the bartender can just cut him a check. The bartender gets angrier and angrier. LPC remains calm and continues to request a $175 refund, throwing the word "moisturization" in as often as possible. The bartender CANNOT FIGURE OUT THAT HE IS BEING PRANKED. Ditto for "Can O' B.S.," in which he gets into an angry argument with a cassette tape. Ditto for "Yucatan Suckerman," in which he steadfastly refuses to help move some piglets for charity. Ditto for "Sandyman," in which he maintains his composure as LPC continuously shouts "You lookin' to get slapped?" while attempting to place a take-out order for beer. This man is pure comedy silver.

Other weapons include new concept ideas. Moving on from the old "UPS guy" stand-by, LPC this time pretends to be such entertaining figures as a citation-happy policeman, an annoyed neighbor, a long-distance telemarketer, a charity representative, a member of various unknown rock bands ("I play the maraca"), and - thanks to a bizarre television segment captured live on tape - a single mother who needs medical marijuana to control her (hilarious) stutter.

Furthermore, he includes snippets that you would never hear on a Jerky Boys or Crank Yankers CD, including a montage of disgusting medical LPs, a tense telephone conversation with an acquaintance, some playful banter with a local morning show, and even snippets of what most prank callers would consider to be 'failed calls!' Listen closely during "Telechoice" as one woman complains about her mother-in-law and another expresses regret that she can't call her husband when he's at work because it's considered long-distance. He called these women to prank them, but somehow fell into their confidence to the degree that he simply CAN'T suddenly turn into an asshole mid-call! These bits may not be funny, but they're intriguing in a 'human interest' way, and their inclusion between all the successful prank calls at least suggests that LPC does possess a moral center somewhere.

Not every single call is an instant classic ("Radio Julius" and "Frogleg" seem particularly uninspired) but there is over an hour of excellent, funny material here, and I wouldn't hesitate to call this the strongest Longmont Potion Castle release yet. As the protagonist of "Horsewhip" puts it: "What are you, goofy!?"

Yes, Mr. "Horsewhip" Protagonist. He is goofy.

Goofy like a FOX!

Reader Comments

Damn you Prindle, I don’t even listen to music anymore, just Longmont Potion Castle.

Anyway it reminds me of “May I help you Dumbass” a collection of reverse prank calls, Matt Besser from UCB. He had the same number as an internet tech support number but if New York residents didn’t dial 1 they got his house instead of the real tech support. He started helping the callers and made a CD. Here’s a preview: http://www.uprightcitizens.org/18/index.html

Add your thoughts?

7 - D.U. 2009
Rating = 8

Better put on your laughter hat because the forecast is calling for thick clouds of hilarity, a hurricane of uproariousness, and a city-leveling earthquake of funny business! That's right, Longmont Potion Castle is back on the horn, and this time he's calling YOU!

Actually, that brings up a good point. My wife considers Mr. Castle to be a mean-spirited cruelty man because he harrasses people, calling them over and over and over when all they want to be is left alone to watch telebision. I wouldn't be so quick to judge though, wife, and here's why: the only reason he keeps calling them back is because they continue to answer the phone and say hilarious things. Personally, I never answer my phone because I hate talking on the phone. If these people would follow my lead and let their answering machines do the talking, Longmont would stop calling them! There's simply nothing hilarious about leaving a prank call on a voicemail. I've tried it, and it's not very funny. But alas, try telling that to the folx on Longmont's call list. Granted, some are businesses and they have to answer the phone, but who wouldn't enjoy a series of ridiculous prank calls in the middle of an otherwise drab workday? I'm certain we all would, especially the President.

Unlike his earlier and more abstract releases, 7 is for the most part a standard prank phone calls CD whose tracks can be divided into five categories:

- 4 Celebrity Pranks: Eddie Money, Alex Trebek, Rick Derringer and the bartender pictured in my review of 6 above. Okay, maybe he's not a celebrity to YOU, but to us LPC fans, he's this century's Red From The Tube Bar.

- 3 "Foreigner" Pranks: In these tracks, LPC pretends to be a Mexican or Indian or something, and just sort of annoys people.

- 2 'Medleys' of Vocal Effect Pranks: Sweet Jesus, do I love listening to this man play with his vocal effects box. These compilations of call snippets feature some of the most hilarious vocal noises I've ever heard in my life.

- 2 'Themes' of God Knows What: These pastiches combine homemade music with incoming calls, outgoing calls and samples.

- 1 Thrash Song: As always!

I'll be honest with you: the Rick Derringer call and two of the "Foreigner" pranks ("Eugene's Substance" and "I'm Smelly") really could've used some gutting. But the other nine tracks are top-of-the-line Potion magic, filled with all the UPS impersonations, ludicrous non-sequitors and gut-bustingly angry responses you've come to expect from Colorado's favorite Boyey Jerk. What's that? You want examples? Is that what I just heard my brain signal to my typing fingers? Well, here you go, brain! These are a shout-out to YOU, me!

LPC: "I'm gonna put you on the phone with my team leader here at Citysearch and we can clean things up now."
Bartender: "I don't know what the hell you're talking about. I don't need your services."
LPC: "You and him can intersect here and see how you like it, alright?"
Bartender: "Nope, I'll be okay."
LPC: "His name's Pico. And you're gonna get on the phone and explain to him, okay, where our payment is. I'm online right now, George. I don't want to have to go to 10 on you."
Bartender: "I have absolutely no idea what the hell you're talking about."
LPC: "Work it out now, get the negative remarks deleted."
Bartender: "You're fucking schizo, huh? You're a schizophreniac? You need to take your medicine?"
LPC: "I have so much evidence that you used my password that I'm gonna turn over. Let me get Pico on the line. How you gonna react?"
Bartender: "Go ahead."
LPC: "Here, just a second now."
(*nine seconds of ear-piercing feedback*)
LPC: "I was trained in Fruitland."
Bartender: "What!?"

Eddie Money: "Hello?"
LPC And His Vocal Effects Box: "Hello? (Hello? Hello?) Hello? (Hello? Hello?)"
Eddie Money: "Hi?"
LPC And His Vocal Effects Box: "Hello!"
Eddie Money: "Hello?"
LPC And His Vocal Effects Box: "Hellooooooooo! Hello! (Hellooooooooo!)"
Eddie Money: "Hello."
LPC And His Vocal Effects Box: "Hi, I was hoping to borrow your broom, if I could just for a few minutes. Just uh, you'd be helping us out; we're stagehands here."
Eddie Money: "Hey, you know what? Could you please fuck - quit fucking around with me? You realize this is a charity line? A Pediatrics AIDS charity line for children? Why are you such a fucking asshole?"
LPC And His Vocal Effects Box: "I need a broom!"
Eddie Money: "You know what?"
LPC And His Vocal Effects Box: "I need a BROOOOOOOM!"
Eddie Money: "Why don't you suck my - Why don't you suck my fucking dick, man? I'll tear your fucking heart out if I ever get my hands on you, you scumbag motherfucker. Quit calling this number. You got that?"
LPC And His Vocal Effects Box: "You gave me the number! (You gave me the number!)"
Eddie Money: "Bullshit. I never gave you this number, and stop calling, you."
LPC And His Vocal Effects Box: "(I need a broom!)"
Eddie Money: "Alright? 'Cause I'll just call ATT and get your number."
LPC And His Vocal Effects Box: "(I need a broooooom! I need a broom.)"
Eddie Money: "You need a broom to fuckin' put the shit back in your mouth, asshole."

LPC: "How much are the pretzels kneaded when you're preparing the dough there? How much kneading is taking place?"
Orange Julius Salesperson: "Our pretzels come pre-made."
LPC: "At that stage though."
Orange Julius Salesperson: "What? I'm sorry?"
LPC: "At the kneading stage?"
Orange Julius Salesperson: "We don't knead 'em; they come frozen."
LPC: "If you don't need 'em, I don't need 'em."

LPC: "I got your number."
Man Who Speaks English As A Second Language: "Fuck you, okay?"
LPC: "Give me a ride."
Man Who Speaks English As A Second Language: "Fuck you, son of a bitch!
LPC: "Let me know what -"
Man Who Speaks English As A Second Language: "I telled you, you motherfucker, that I don't want to talk to you!
LPC: "Give me a ride."
Man Who Speaks English As A Second Language: "Fuck you, bitch!
LPC: "Tell me what time -"
Man Who Speaks English As A Second Language: "I said fuck you!
LPC: "What time -"
Man Who Speaks English As A Second Language: "Go fuck your mom!
LPC: "What time you pick me up? I need a ride."
Man Who Speaks English As A Second Language: "Fuck you, you ride!

LPC: "We'll do a conference call!"
Alex Trebek: "No, I don't need a conference call, Stretchy."
LPC: "You can call me Stretchy."
Alex Trebek: "I just did."
LPC: "I've got signed affadavits and -"
Alex Trebek: "Affadavits?"
LPC: "All kinds of other things. Yes sir!"
Alex Trebek: "Well, good. Well, do you have my signature?"
LPC: "I'm looking right at it."
Alex Trebek: "Yeah? And what does it say?"
LPC: "It's not legible."
Alex Trebek: "It's not legible?"
LPC: "So that would be step one is to work on that, but -"
Alex Trebek: "I have no need for $2000 worth of sod, and I didn't order it, and I know nothing about it."
LPC: "So you thought you'd just stick good old UPS with the charges, huh?"
Alex Trebek: "Are you out of your mind!?"

I have very little else to add at this time other than that I hope Longmont Potion Castle never retires his telephone, because he unceasingly non-fails to un-crack me up. 12 laugh-out-loud tracks, 80 roll-on-the-floor-laughing minutes - available for 10 laughing-my-ass-off dollars (plus shipping) at THE D.U. WEB SITE, LINKED HERE. And listen closely to "Eugene's Substance" to hear a complete asshole utter to LPC (whom he mistakes for an old friend), "Remember that Asian bitch?"

People like that don't just deserve to be pranked -- they deserve to be spanked!

So come on down to That Asian Bitch's Oriental Spanking Emporium. And bring your ASS so we can SPANK it!

Augustine Zhao Rong
That Asian Bitch's Oriental Spanking Emporium And Chinese Diocese

Add your thoughts?

8 - D.U. 2010
Rating = 8

On installment number 8, Mr. Castle continues his winning streak of absurdity, aggression and persistence. As always, no zany characters or elaborate concepts are necessary; he simply calls his victims and piles on the belligerent nonsense until they get angry enough to say something entertaining. Read, look, listen and shut up:


LPC: "I'm gonna hang up, and I'm not gonna call back. So don't even bother answering, because it's not gonna be me!"
Soul Food Guy: "You know what? Just for that, I'm not gonna answer!"

LPC: "I'm gonna left, middle, right, middle, right, left, middle - to your face!"
Video Store Guy: "It's not really that impressive over the phone, dude."

LPC: "We have the toughest sheds in the business!"
'Rival' Shed Manufacturer: "Are they DCA-approved?"
LPC: "Well, I don't know what that means, but..."

LPC: "What's your email address?"
Army Recruiter: "It's stephen.lee@army.com."
LPC: "I'm gonna send a picture of me WHOOPIN' some ass!"

LPC: "The other thing I'm producing is more straightforward vocally, but it is far more demonic. Is that something that you might be interested in?"
Christian Singer: "I'm sorry, what? Did you say 'demonic'?
LPC: "Yes."
Christian Singer: "No, I don't do demonic."
LPC: "So you couldn't do any growling?"

Melissa Prophet: "Let me have a number where you can be reached at your company."
LPC: "Okay, my direct line is 123-4567, and the event is on the 12th of this month."
Melissa Prophet: "Your number is 123-4567. What's the area code, babe?"
LPC: "It's 000."
Melissa Prophet: "So... See, I've never heard of such a number, dear."
LPC: "Well, that's my direct line."

LPC: "Yes, this is Mr. Freebus. I'm a retro-style hang glider, and I need some photographs taken."
Angry guy: "What was your name?"
LPC: "Mr. Freebus."
Angry guy: "Oh, Jesus. What now, dude? You're Mr. Freebus now? What happened to Jacques? You were Jacques last time. And before that, you were something else."
LPC: "Who's this?"
Angry guy: "Um, dude. I'm really over this shit. I'm sick of it. You can take your rockabilly skydiving ass off a fucking cliff, okay? Leave me the fuck alone!"
LPC: "I just need some snapshots taken. Pronto!"

LPC: "You're the one on Craig's List, man. So you work it out."
Boat Rental Guy: "Whoa, we're on Craig's List so we can work it out? I'm not on Craig's List, jackass!"
LPC: "I'm looking right at it."
Boat Rental Guy: "What's it say?"
LPC: "It says call you for boats! Prick."
Boat Rental Guy: "'Call me for boats.' That's what it says right now? 'Call me for boats'?"
LPC: "'Prick.' It says 'Prick.'"


"Are you ejaculating?"

"Butt pirate is what you're called!"

"You gonna take me out and stick me up my ass, homo?"

"Are you getting off? Is your dick in your hand? Are you stroking yourself while you're talking to me? Are you gay? Are you looking for some kind of homosexual relationship?"

"I'm gonna give you some jerkoff material right now, so grab your towel. Is your towel and your dick in your hand? Good. Go fuck yourself! Fuck your mother, fuck your grandmother, and fuck your sister!"


"Go stick your fucken tongue up your ass!"

Everything that needs to be said about Longmont Potion Castle has already been said earlier on this page, so I'm going to bed now. Just know that he is an extremely clever man who knows exactly how to get under the skin of the humorless. So go to www.noisetent.com and buy this CD now -- or I'ma WHOOP your ass!

Add your thoughts?

Strangely, you can actually buy some of these CDs at Amazon.com. Click here and I'll show you.

Back to Mark Spitz's Online Swimming Pool - Notice There's No "P" In It!

Except for the one at the beginning of "Pool."


Yes. Yes I do.