You'd BETTER take them seriously. They're from "Spooksylvania"!!!!
*special introductory paragraph!
*We Came For The Dead
*Transmission Zero

They're from "Spooksylvania" and wear bloody bags over their heads! Like the Unknown Comic (Murray Langston)! Could a starring role in Moving Violations II be next?!?

Oh, also they started off as an incomprehensible grind/death/thrash band before becoming a fantastic and fun '80s-style thrash flashback with death metal vocals and Gwar-style humor. But hell, I could say that about ANYBODY. The important differentiator here is the Unknown Comic (Murray Langston).

We Came For The Dead - Razorback 2002
Rating = 5

I don't mean to ruin a great joke, but something's been bothering me lately and I haven't been able to sleep. You know that hilarious joke that goes:

What did the leper say to the prostitute?
"Keep the tip!"

Yes, it's hilarious. It's a classic. The penal double-entendre is a "stroke" (pun fully intended) of genius. However, my problem is this: Nobody actually says "Keep the tip." Do they? If you give somebody a bunch of money and want them to keep part of it as a tip, you say "Keep the change." That implies that it's meant as a tip. Otherwise, you give them the tip separately and say, "Here's a tip for you" or something like that. The idea of saying "Keep the tip" suggests that there is some situation wherein you would say to somebody, "Give me back the tip." It just makes no sense. Maybe it's specifically a leper custom?

Also, I figured out how I'm going to make my gajillions -- by writing and recording hilarious parodies of "Weird Al" Yankovic's original material. No no, hear me out. For example, "Nature Trail To Hell" might become "Nature Trail To NELL" and be about Nell Carter, with lots of fat jokes. Likewise, "Midnight Star" might become "Midnight BAR" about a guy who's always drinking at a bar that's open late. It might go "Ohhhh, midnight bar. If you need to find me, I'll be at the midnight bar-ar! I'll be so darn tipsy that I shouldn't drive my car. Midnight Bar. I wanna go, I wanna go!" See? It's like spitting daisies at a baby! I'm going to call my first album "Strange Mark" Prindle, then follow that up with "Strange Mark" Prindle In Surround-Sound, then next will be Take A Chance And Act Dumb, then I'll release Macarena Shindig, then right around there I'll do a collaboration with a transvestite and call it Dieter And The Fox, then I'll do Still Less Good, followed by a movie called AM, then another album, this one called In Over My Head, followed by Markozzfest and Drab Skin Night, then I'll shave my mustache off and release Walking Under A Ladder and Rottweiler Socks. And voila! That's my career. Goodnight!

Say, if this is your first time here on the ol' Prind web site, you're probably wondering, "When is he gonna get to the actual album?" Am I right? Ha ha! Yes, you see, the ol' Prind site is a "new modern style" record review site, with revolutionary, forward-thinking ideas in artistic critique. To put it bluntly, "I ain't your father's record reviewer!" I was for a while, but then he became a vegetarian and his sperm started tasting like celery so fuck that.

The first Ghoul album is performed as a three-piece. The band currently (present day) features four members - Digestor, Dissector, Cremator and Fermentor - but only three of them play on this debut. I myself would describe it as a goregrind album (I think I read somewhere that that counts as a genre), but it's not just a bunch of blastbeats; the drum tempos generally range from midtempo mosh to thrashy speed metal headbanging, with blastbeats tossed in just for grits and shins every once in a while. What REALLY defines it as a goregrind album (to my ears) are the vocals and production. Ghoul boast three different types of vocals: hoarsh whisper-esque shrieking, low death metal growling, and RIDICULOUSLY low pitch-adjusted groaning. And the production is... well, simply godawful. Because the drums and vocals (which are impossible to understand anyway) are jacked up so high in the mix, it takes a nation of millions to figure out how in the hell the songs are actually supposed to go. I think that most of the riffs are just simple, none-too-impressive chord sequences, but I swear that at some points the guitar is playing actual NOTES and I just can't hear them because the goddmaned producer had his ass up my shit! This seems like a good place to start a new paragraph.

If I understood anything at all about computers, I would totally draw a big colorful spiral here and then go, "Oops! Sorry, that was a new SPIROgraph!" Or write my name in cursive and say, "Oh heck! That was a new AUTOgraph!" Or create something in PowerPoint and say, "Oh no! That's a new BAR graph!" But I don't know how to do any of those things on a computer so I'd might as well review the CD, as mediocre as it is.

The debut Ghoul album doesn't "suck," per se. It's just difficult to tell what's going on, and even when you figure it out, the band never seems to rise above what many other similar bands have done in the past. The extremely talented drummer tears it up like mad, but I don't buy albums just to listen to a funky drummer. Like Mike Muir on the first Suicidal Tendencies album, "I Want More." And like Dee Dee King on the top-selling Standing In The Spotlight album, "I Want What I Want When I Want It." Sure, it's fun to hear eerie sound effects like a shovel digging a grave or a werewolf going "aroo!" or a witch going "Ah-ha-ha-ha!" but I'd still like some memorable musical material meeting my mucous-filled maggoty ears. The energy's great, some of the chord sequences are catchy, and the two-minute "Rot Gut" is a FANTASTIC ass-kicking thrasher, but otherwise the constant shifting from minimalist two-chord grind-grind to slower and more metallic different-chord dickery is less interesting than just THERE. When the guitarist actually shifts from rhythmic chug to lead playing, he sounds quite good -- especially during the spooky solo of "We Came For The Dead" and the oddball southern rock licks hidden in "Coffins And Curios," but otherwise eh. Eh eh eh. Too little to grab onto. Sounds vicious but empty and confusing. Has a Megadeth cover though! "The Skull Beneath The Skin"! Have you heard it? Did Dave Mustaine call you an asshole?

Reader Comments
Ignoring the traditional Prindle introductory rant, what he says is mostly true. The production is bad and all that, but see, that's a good thing! That's the way grindcore sounds, it's like saying Carcass should clean up and play straight (actually they did, and it killed them...well the drummer had a brain hemmorage). Also isn't it suspicous when a guy who seems to love Napalm Death complains about production values? The point is, don't listen to Prindle! This is a really cool album, lot's of riffs you can bang your head or thrash about your bedroom to. So what if you can't hear what they sing or every damn note on every riff, that's for Yngwie fans to worry about. By the way, when are the Yngwie reviews coming?

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Maniaxe - Razorback 2003
Rating = 8

Ghoul ghoul ghoul ghoul! Flop-eared flop-eared flop-eared ghoul ghoul ghoul ghoul ghoul! Flop-eared flop-eared ghoul!

'Cause it's Maniaxe! Maniaxe on the floor! And it's an album like it never was before!

What is this poop-encrusted shit? Somebody's singing in my review. Taking advantage of my foolhardy PCAnywhere software. This means they can say ANYTHING they want and I can't stop them! I'd might as well just step aside and let them take over. The weird thing is, though, I've noticed that this intruder only types something when I tap the keys on my keyboard. For example, I'm tapping them right now and letters are showing up all over the screen because of this guy using my PCAnywhere software to rapscallion my computer. Maybe if I stop tapping my keys, he'll stop typing.

IT WORKED!!! oh.. no.

Well, we'll just have to make do with our wily little friend in Interspace, for I must excitedly exclaim that this Ghoul album pounds the rupturing eyeballs out of their debut! The mix is 65 billion times stronger, there are TWO shredding guitarists now, and the music is tight, loud, '80s-style THRASH!!!! And I do mean speedy in-your-face thrash with weird chords and mosh-speed midtempo breaks, along with ice trucks more personality and humor than before. If you've been crying your eyes out since Seattle's Nirvana and Stinking Creek, ID's death metal stole the soul of speed-thrash, you GOTTA buy this fun and fantastic throwback to a simpler, speedier era. Think classic Exodus, Anthrax, even early Metallica -- but with grindcore vocals and silly Gwar-style self-referential lyrics (that constantly refer to Ghoul thrashing out and eating corpses in their catacombs as a "Ghoul Hunter" tries to destroy them). And don't worry if you hate humorous metal - Ghoul is NOT Lawnmower Deth. The music is played straight and hard, and you can't understand a word they say anyway.

Here, have some examples of Ghoul's hit-or-miss humor:

Leadoff track "Forbidden Crypts" is about murdering a Norwegian black metal band! Hee! Sample lyrics: "The keyboardist begged but Fermentor just laughed/We hacked off his hands and then chopped him in half/The vocalist was strangled with his very guts/His female back-up expired from her cuts" Okay, I didn't laugh either, but what a great concept for a song! Plus, the dark sick chord sequence and Megadeth-style instrumental breakdowns make up for the middle school lyrics, believe I me!

"Maggot Hatchery" finds Ghoul getting upset about a maggot that keeps eating their food (the dead), until the maggot splits apart into the "Sewer Chewer" -- their new guitarist Dissector! Sample lyrics: "Hatched from a maggot, he is quite bizarre/He smells like a cess pool but he shreds on guitar/He crawled into the catacombs one day/I swear we could smell him a mile away/He grabbed a guitar and proceeded to kill/He blew us away with his mosh riffing skill." Look I'm not saying they're the nation's leading academics, but you GOTTA hear this awesome mean thrash!!! I haven't heard thrash this wicked cool bonus-ass in years!

Okay how about if I print some lyrics I actually DO find entertaining? Here are a couple of verses from "Boneless" and the title track that I enjoy for their humility: "We're homicidal retards/We're not afraid of cops/Our mission: Carve the Graveyard/We'll sk8 until we stop!" AND "Your death will not be swift/At the hands of the mentally deficient/Slaughtering in the cemetary/We're nothing if not efficient." See? That's total Don Knotts comedy jokes action there!

"Ghoul Hunter" is a Gwar-like skit that I will never, ever willfully listen to again.

But just when you think you're all thrashed out with no pants to go, they complete the metal god experience with (a) a Ventures-gone-evil scary surf-spy instrumental and (b) a gory parody of Joey Ramone's cover of "What A Wonderful World" (complete with the Clash riff at the beginning!). I don't know if you've ever heard a grindcore/death metal vocalist performing a classic pop song, but something about its incongruity is absolutely hilarious. "I see babies die, I watch them decompose/They'll hurt much more, than I'll never know/And I think to myself .....what a wonderful world"

Those are Louis Armstrong's original lyrics; I can't remember any of the parody ones off-hand. In sedation, this is GRADE A thrash. Again, forget the comedy angle because (aside from the stinker novelty "Ghoul Hunter") you can't understand a word. Seriously -- if you like classic speedy-as-hell thrash metal and don't mind "growl-growl-growl" grindcore vocals, you will LOVE this record. Hell, you'll be singing "I am a numbskull!" before the Pope can blame fags for his long-deserved death!

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Splatterthrash - Razorback 2007
Rating = 8

Well, Gwar is back and - OH EXCUSE ME I MEAN "GHOUL"

And this time Oderus Urungus is - OH EXCUSE ME I MEAN "CREMATOR"


Eventually the cult defeats the band by teaming up with Techno Destructo, who - OH EXCUSE ME I MEAN "KILLBOT"

And one of the songs is called "Blimey" - OH EXCUSE ME I MEAN "LIFE OF THE LIVING DEAD"

But enough of my plagiaristic accusations, because America's favorite pseudonymous, costume-wearing, gore-obsessed band from CVailrigfionrinaia is back with another great THRASH ALBUM! Just like on Maniaxe, Ghoul come through with tons of catchy off-kilter chord sequences, evil note runs, melodic solos, high raspy black metal vocals, and moshable drumbeats both speedy and midtempo.

Their influences are obvious -- follow Metallica "Into The Catacombs," induct Slayer into the "Cult Of The Hunter," and help S.O.D. "Rise Killbot!" (Rise) -- but Ghoul is melodically inventive enough to make the lost art of '80s speed metal seem exciting and FRESH again (aside from the complete "For Whom The Bell Tolls" rip in the first song, which seems either STALE or FLAT, depending on whether you read FRESH as a food metaphor or drink metaphor) (actually, SMELLY would work too, if you read it as a feminine spray).

If there's anything negative to say about Splatterthrash, it's that the occasional NYHC-style group-chant choruses seem a little out-of-place and corny. But otherwise, it's a deliciousable reminder of exactly how awful nu-metal is. And hey - if thick guitar tones, sick chord changes, lick saplenty and (fast-as-)dick drumbeats aren't enough for you, they've also tossed in two sleazy surf-spy songs! One moment - I hate to interrupt a stream-of-conscious pile of words, but I just received an email inviting me to "Fuk Like A PronStar." I'll be back in ten minutes.

(*ten minutes pass*)

Whew! I'm all fuked out! I guess the life of a PronStar is no barrel of monkeys after all!

You know what's interesting? Having recently discovered the joys of stealing music off the Internet, I now find music critics even more worthless than before. If 95% of new rock/pop releases can be found online for free, who gives a shit what David Fricke thinks of the new Bruce Springsteen album? (He gave it 5 out of 5, btw) (presumably based on the balls-to-the-wall redemptive power of "Radio Nowhere") Furthermore, with thousands of expert-run blogs and review sites dedicated to promoting little-known bands of every possible subgenre, why would anybody rely on the generalists at Spin or Alternative Press to inform them of new acts that might be worth checking out? But I'd better stop right there -- I'm talking myself out of a hobby!

Let me stress that I am not a file-sharer, nor do I even understand the psychology that would drive a person to post their CD collection on the Internet. But hey, as long as it's there, I'll take the fucker!

So remember - if you're a hitchhiking girl and you get picked up by a smelly bearded hippy in 1968 and he demands "Gas, grass or ass?," rip out this CD and shout back, "SPLATTERTHRASH!"

And if you're a hitchhiking girl and you get picked up by a serial killer in 1978 and he threatens to "Smash, Bash and Throw You In The Trash," rip out this CD and shout back, "SPLATTERTHRASH!"

And if you're a hitchhiking girl and you get picked up by a yuppie in 1988 and he offers, "Blow, pills or hash?," rip out this CD and shout back, "SPLATTERTHRASH!"

And if you're a hitchhiking girl and you get picked up by a lonely middle-aged trucker in 1998 and he enquires, "Crosby, Stills and Nash?," rip out this CD and shout back, "SPLATTERTHRASH!"

And if you're a hitchhiking girl and you get picked up by a politician in 2008 and he haggles, "Cash for gash, hold the rash," rip out this CD and shout back, "SPLATTERTHRASH!"

And if you're a hitchhiking girl and you get picked up by a Space Robot in 2018 and it computes, "XR-ash, 766B-ash, &*&&f011011011-ash," rip out this CD and shout back, "SPLATTERTHRASH!"

There, now I've proven the relevance of the music critic in a postmodern digital technology age.

No wait, I skipped the 50's. If you're a hitchhiking girl and you get picked up by Elvis in 1955 and he wiggles his hips, tell him your name's Tom Parker and ruin his career.

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Transmission Zero - Tankcrimes 2011
Rating = 6

Hi everyone. If anything, I can hear the Internet's most delish using conor and it's time for it now review. Transmission Zero. In Gold sort of fictional little world, they are from mainland called creeps hoping the, but from what I understand they're actually from, from oakland.


Well, it's in California. But if you ever go there, make sure to protect you in that. Because if you go, you might get chopped! Why do you think they call it Trooper?

That's where they're from. These guys are fresh metal band, but the one of the most personality trait in thrash metal acts I've, I've heard in a while. About the vocals that they have going, you're gonna really uh... death metal style and appearance expense horror movie finished going on. And Google also has this very theatrical, over the top, dramatic Guar kind of schtick going for them to.

Musically, like I said, he's going to play threat, but they've got this really team straightforward crossover thrashing -- jane vocals and fast pace is unjust in in your face mistake that I think fans of D.R.I. or Suicidal Tendencies will be able to get into was well.

But also influences the spans music a little is is so far. In a couple the tracks, these guys actually managed to work in the drumbeat space flights in and he told me that you would normally curious or so on, but the fresh almonds and the death metal vocals are, are still very. Jest doesn't clash in the way that I'd thought it would, but initially. It becomes a part of Goal's sound. And that sounded ends up being kind of exciting in conflicting at the same time, because I don't know whether to you just get up and start marching in hand elbowing things or go on Youtube and start looking at all that person's Tales from the Crypt.

Thread of remission that these guys have going for them even further, the your experts on the spot is album actually tell the story of your e-card book like story filled with cartoon Igor that makes the best for the follow is like a Toxic Avenger films. The story this record tells features of four members of the band going on this bloody end and horrifying adventure involving killer robots and then cannibalism in mind control when brutal curses, shrugs and cultists as well.

Even though there are elements of punk on here, thrash metal and death metal -- all very aggressive hard-hitting genres -- Goal takes everything that is so Graham about these styles of music, soon darkened and so serious, and the unique it pretty fallen! Tumi, it's the, it's kinda like hard because you don't need to take it really seriously.

Button Cool's prospective members have toured with or played in plenty of metal bands were taken really seriously: Walls in the Throne Room, Disco Pia, Lugar Crow, Asunder, and they've been in Pale, to actually think they share the most characteristics with.

Now, sound wise I really love this record. I think it's got a lot to offer. The drums just have to really nice punch to one. The stables get belittle lost in the background for me a bit, but begets hearts are really where a lot of his records cuts come from. The gutters nice heavy crunch to on that sounds fantastic! It's sound kinda reminds me a little bit of any Toxic Holocaust record, Contra Command.

So yeah, I do think these guys improve their sound beyond the last record, Splatter Thrash, but they also work find themselves musically a bit too, I think. Than he's got this thing to me just feels less chaotic, less messy. Rates have a lot of muscle tone and they're really catchy because these guys are getting great grooves. And even though he's refs are pretty hard hitting, I think a lot of the park evened out because these guys manage to cover them colored and in some really nice solos and leads.

As first negatives on this album go, there are a lot but so the rats, some of the solos, dissembling generic credit cliche. If you're a fractional fan, you for a buildup, sleeves and so was like this before. So that makes some of the movements on your kind of uh... forgettable blurted. If it wasn't for the story, the good production, just the personality of the spam, Hi I wouldn't be writing with the songs as hard as I have right now.

And I'm sure for some people - metalhead skin non that'll heads - this record is gonna, I don't, have a little too much petri. Might be Tutsi pretty, I don't know. And though it is an important part of a storyline, I kill it the song "Morning of the Mess But Ron" is a little too law, balloons you draw out. This eight million monster among all these like two to three minute thresh pumpkins with death metal vocals.

But overall, if you're a metalhead, I think this is going to be the most fun you're gonna have within that record this year. And even if you're not huge, Arnelle, I still think this is worth trying. Even though these guys are really excessive, they try to do it in a pretty self aware way, which email really hits home for me on the last track where one of the lyrics six, "Billion replay for rock and roll!"

I'm what the hell out of the same; feeling like a decently on this. Story fun, enjoyable, celebrate their with occurred variety of different sounds on here that let me separate want to from another pretty easily.

What do you think about it? It? And what do you think I should review next?

Yet to be fair, to hand out!

The YouTube Closed Caption Transcription of Anthony Fantano's Transmission Zero review

Reader Comments

Mark Prindle
I completely disagree, The YouTube Closed Caption Transcription. I felt that Ghoul's riffs were getting stronger and more creative with each release, but Transmission Zero is just a standard, second-rate thrash record. I love the filthy, raw and fuzzed out "jigga-jigga-jigga" guitar sound, but too many of the riffs are cliched, by-the-book throwaways, as if they said to themselves, "Who cares if we can't think up a clever riff; this totally sounds like old Anthrax!"

There's also too much silliness here, not just on the lyrics sheet as usual, but in the music itself. With all the goofy voices and jokey surf-spy riffs they employ, you half-expect Sleazy P. Martini to show up and kill Hilary Clinton or some bullshit.

Nevertheless, I must admit that there isn't really a "bad" song in the lot. It's just that very few rise above the level of "almost great, yet ultimately disappointing." Several of the songs start out kicking my ass through my nose, like the super-fast anxious "The Mark of Voodoo," solid headbanging "Blood Feast" and choppy pissed-off thrasher "Tooth and Claw." But nearly every track (including those named in the last sentence) eventually shifts to an instantly forgettable second riff and never returns to the part that kicked so much ass in the first place.

Still, no matter how much we may disagree on the album's quality, The YouTube Closed Caption Transcription, I'm glad to see that we agree on "Morning of the Mess But Ron." It is indeed a little too law, balloons you draw out.

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You can buy the kickass MANIAXE CD, but only if you click here with a pure heart.

Don't float a boat, don't get your goat, that's all she wrote -- Mark Prindle!