The little punk rock band with the heart of gold.
*special introductory paragraph!
*Horror Stories
*Lick It 1983-1986 (The Psychedelic Years)
*Lucifer's Crank EP
*Toolin' For A Warm Teabag
*Free Cocaine 86-88'
*Blood, Guts & Pussy
*Thank Heaven For Little Girls
*Sugar Fix
*Underworld EP
*The Dwarves Are Young And Good Looking
*Come Clean
*How To Win Friends And Influence People
*The Dwarves Must Die
*Fuck You Up And Get Live DVD
*Boot 1
*The Dwarves are Born Again
If you're a punk and you ain't got no Dwarves in your collection, WAKE UP! He can't remember where he was, had this dream stopped? Although they've certainly simmered down their tempers since singer Blag Dahlia replaced two chief members (following an extended break-up, but we'll get to that in a minute), The Dwarves are still kickin' out some bitchin' mean catchy vicious sexist hateful poppy hardcore noise punk yeah, which makes sense since Blag has always written most of the songs anyway, but it's still a handy thing of which to take note, kind sir. But about them asshole days, let's talk about them. The Dwarves started off as sort of a druggy sixties-ish garage rock band thing, but quickly transformed into a supernuts louder faster fuckcore (sorry to use such a blunt critic-ism like that, but, quite frankly, there's no better term for their music - they like to fuck, and they like to SING about fucking! Sorry! Didn't mean to offend you!) band spouting all kinds of rude lyrics and thought patterns crammed into cathartic thirty-second songs and ten-minute albums, most of which you should go buy today if you haven't already. The stage shows were indescribably violent (at least the ones I witnessed) with bottles being hurled offstage at adoring fans, Blag smacking girls in the head with his mic, punches thrown, spit spat, and oodles of hatred exchanged by all involved - all within about ten minutes! Then the band would leave stage, and all us lil' skinny wussies cowering in the back could escape with all our teeth and brag the next day about how rad the show was! Like G.G. Allin, but fake! (Not too fake, though; I fancy the pain of a mic in the head is nothing to sneeze your Eno at). I'm gonna go ahead and review each record now, even though there's probably not tons to say.

Horror Stories - Coxx 1985.
Rating = 6

Egad, what's with the florpin' reverb, Dad???? Fnippin' hose of a singer (who I'm pretty sure wasn't even Blag Dahlia/Jesus at this point -- he played guitar while Hewhocannotbenamed played keyboards, from what I read on the stupid Internet that sucks) is yowlin' his syllables through a megaphone fifteen miles long and the band is just imitating the Seeds but louder, so what's to love? It's got a couple of cool cover tunes, and both "Lick It" and "College Town" are catchy enough to stick in the jellybowl, but most of the rest is weak-kneed '60sish retro-garage punk - with more vocal reverb than could ever have possibly been deemed necessary at any point in any period during our nation's history, with the possible exception of Millard Fillmore addressing Congress about that "getting a suck job from an ugly fatass" fiasco.
Reader Comments

If other people actually bothered to comment on these early dwarves recordings throughout the many, many years this page has been up, then someone would have mentioned what I have only just now found out: "In And Out" is kind of like "Chinese Rocks" -- you've got two totally different bands claiming it as their own. There's the Dwarves, obviously, and there's the Mummies version which can these days be found on the CD Death by Unga Bunga. One would normally think that the Dwarves are the rip-off artists at work, but one might be wrong. You see, Horror Stories came out in either '85 or '86 (depending on who you ask), and the Mummies didn't form until '88 (according to allmusic.com). Anyone with more info the the matter should post in this comments section. (that goes for you too, Prind!)

Also, Horror Stories is a great album. In fact, I'd say it's better than Lick It because it *doesn't* have so many crappy extra tracks (whereas the extra tracks on Free Cocaine are to die for). However, the Horror Stories CD has a mastering error were the tracks change over two seconds too late. Track 1 starts two seconds into the song, and the next song will have already started before it changes to track two. But other than starting two seconds too late, the CD plays through fine -- ust don't put it on shuffle.

I'm glad I found this CD used, by the way.

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Lick It 1983-1986 (The Psychedelic Years) - Recess/Greedy.
Rating = 9

Here's a perfect example of why I gave up my Web site and why music criticism at its very heart and soul is worthless. Two years ago, I reviewed Horror Stories and gave it a 6. You saw it yourself! Well, now I'm reviewing a CD that features both that album in its entirety and 22 other tracks in the same vein, and I FUCKING LOVE IT!!!! I don't know if Blag has remixed the tracks or if I was just too dumb to notice it before, but these songs are WONDERFUL!!! Yes, it's the same kind of retro '60s punk that dozens of Bomp bands were doing in the 80s, but the difference is that the Dwarves (a) truly HAD that punk attitude, as evidenced by their later records and (b) are the KINGS of riff writers. It's like listening to one of those Nuggets or Pebbles compilations and hearing great song after great song after great song, but weirdly they're all by the same band! Unlike, say, the Count Five or the Barbarians or The Seeds, the Dwarves actually came up with TONS of great little 60s punk riffs...along with some killer obscure cover (including "When I Needed You," which was recorded by Steven Tyler's band before he formed Aerosmith!). If you're looking for hardcore, don't bother, but if you love the best garage hits of the 60s, here's a ton more for you to enjoy!

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Lucifer's Crank EP - No. 6 1991.
Rating = 7

I wouldn't buy this if I were you. In fact, I wouldn't buy it if I were me, and I am me!!! The only reason it's on this page in the first place is because I borrowed it from a friend. I'm not sure when it was recorded, but it's pretty much a bunch of inferior versions of Toolin' tracks, so I'm assuming that they were maybe early demos for that record or something. Either way, it's a step up from Horror Stories, but it's still not the most important record you'll ever hear. We'll call it a transitional piece. There are a few bits from radio shows which present the Dwarves as sex-obsessed idiots, as well as a couple of great (what I believe to be) covers - "Hurricane Fighter Plane" and "Nobody Likes Me" - but, as fun as the songs are, they just don't sound as good here as they do on Toolin', and lord knows you don't need both records. Respect this one, but only buy it if you're like a total Dwarves freaker or something.
Reader Comments

tedium2000@hotmail.com.nz (Duane Zarakov)
HURRICANE FIGHTER PLANE is a cover (a real dumm one ) of the Red Krayola's best song off their 2nd best album,WoRmS was or probably still is a popular playground chant.

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Toolin' For A Warm Teabag - Nasty Gash 1988.
Rating = 8

Okay then! This is the beginning of the Dwarves as we know and love 'em. First off, the damn album is only nine minutes long. Second off, the cover is a grotesque drawering of a bunch of dwarves touting various weapons and smiling sickly above the body of some topless woman with a skull for a head. Third off, you flip the dang (if I may use a bit of Southern vernacular for a brief moment) album over and you're greeted with the adorable sight of the new Dwarves logo - the skull and crossboners. Fourth off, only ONE of the seven song titles wouldn't drive my mother to rudely exclaim, "Oh, that's cute" with sarcasm drippy and gooey all the crud over her true meaning. "Eat You To Survive"? "It's Your Party (Die If You Want To)"? It's not even a Lesley Gore parody, for the love of hey! "Fukking Life"? Oh, certainly had they added a third "k," they'd have had themselves a delightful anti-racist anthem for negroes and Mexicans of all races, but as it is, they've just got themselves a cuss typo. "Free Cocaine"? "Dead Brides In White"? "Let's Get Pregnant"? It's a good thing these songs rule, because otherwise the Dwarves would sure look like a bunch of bobby cox.

This isn't the best Dwarves record, mind you; they were still working on the "production" thing, and a couple of tracks feature a really stupid reverbed echo on Blag's voice, giving him that rotten '60s sound you may or may not have heard on Horror Stories a couple years earlier. That's not much to bitch about, though. Most of the songs cook dinner like a master rock and roll chef rammin' his pork chop up your hool with a croquet mallet. Generic but loud!

I guess I should mention the band members' names at this point - singer Blag Jesus (later changed to Blag Dahlia, presumably to cash in on the success of that hot Take Two game), drummer Vadge Moore, bassist Salt Peter, and guitarist He Who Can Not Be Named. And their schtick was to be sex-crazed dickheads. Like The Meatmen with better music and less height!

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Free Cocaine 86-88' - Recess.
Rating = 8

Another beautiful money-saving compilation! This one tracks the band's initial foray into hardcore punk before they'd quite gotten it down. It's got Lucifer's Crank and Toolin For A Warm Teabag in their entireties, as well as 22 other bonus angry blech tracks. Not quite as awesome as the 60sish compilation only because a lot of these songs are attitude and nothing but. Like, no riffs to speak of. But still, they kicked ass, always have and probably always will!!!!

Reader Comments

sandl.willis@virgin.net (Stuart Willis)
How can you possibly give this an 8 when you gave the vastly inferior Lick It a 9? That album, with the exception of 'I Hate Girls', has nothing in common with The Dwarves of today - while this perfectly threatens what was to come in the form of the Blood Guts & Pussy classic, as well as throwing in some classic cover versions (That's Rock N Roll' is pure class) and, best of all, 'Lesbian Nun' finally arrives on CD! Come on, don't shame yourself, this is a perfect example of how the world's best punk band came to be so great - another point please (9/10) ...

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* Blood, Guts & Pussy - Sub Pop 1990. *
Rating = 10

In my opinion, this is one of the greatest hardcore records ever made. It sounds a lot like a slightly poppier version of The Misfits' Earth A.D. (another one of the greatest hardcore records ever made, even though most Misfits fans hate it, through some completely asinine reasoning that I've yet to quite get a grasp on) with incredibly loud guitars and inevitably speedy as shib drumbeats, but what's REALLY indelible about the record is the inglebinadle sense of melody displayed by this bunch of vicious cretins - unlike the by-the-numbers (though certainly enjoyable nonetheless) tunes on Toolin', these songs all have genuinely great riffs! Oh, but why should I sit here and try to describe them to you? What the heck good what that do for either of us? Waste of my time. Heck, waste of your time! Just trust me, if you're into punk and you don't own this album, buy it tomorrow and listen to it a bunch of times in a row (it's only 15 minutes long, so it's not much of a chore). I'm telling you - the hooks won't leave your head. The reasons punk had to exist? Lack of energy and straightforward catchy riffs in mid-'70s rock and roll. Blood, Guts & Pussy is nothing BUT energy and straightforward catchy riffs! Emotional urgency? Political commentary? Stylistic range? Hell no! And why should there be? They're Dwarves, dammit, and their mission is NOT to save your soul - it's to save rock and roll. And they succeed - especially on this record. "Let's Fuck," "Fuck You Up And Get High," "Insect Whore," "Skin Poppin' Slut," "Flesh Tantrum," "SFVD" (with its stirring refrain, "Give me AIDS - Fuck me! I just wanna get laid!") are salvation. So are the other, less-offensively titled ditties. If nothing else, you gotta buy it for that cover photo. A PHOTO, mind you, and not a mere drawing, of two blood-drenched naked young women and a real-life dwarf (!) holding what appears to be a blood-covered bunny rabbit.

Great cover, great music, grate cheese.

Reader Comments

jnw@iglobal.net (Jim Hull)
This is a great album.

Is Blag screaming "everybody's got an antibody!" in "SFVD"? Clever and funny lyrically, which is a great thing, in my opinion. My estimation of these guys went miles higher after hearing how good their lyrics were...plus, when you turn it up really loud, it kicks your face in...maybe this is where the New Bomb Turks guy learned to sing from, too...sounds similar...I also give this album a 10.

This album gee whiz!..........this album is one of the greatest albums of all time. this album really inspires one to: a) fuck really well. b) shoot up. and c) fuck a whole lot, and good too. when i like to spend a little time with that special someone, i throw this record on and turn off the lights and let the hot wang out, owww!

As a young man at the record store I often saw the Blood, Guts cover and thought it was some dumb death metal shtick, but then when the indie rock an the hardcore crap got boring I dicided to try these Highlan Park fuckheads out. OF COURSE, it's the best r'n'r album of the past ten plus years! A bunch of jaded faggot record reviewers could sit around all day ranting about the "punk 'tude, maan." It's the Dwarves, Their best record. And sorry, but their CRAP on Epitaph is all money making garbage.

Best album cover in the history of recorded music, with absolutely no competiton.

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Thank Heaven For Little Girls - Sub Pop 1991.
Rating = 9

I haven't said enough about how the Dwarves actually sound. The guitars are very loud, distorted, nun-bitin' mean, and literally in your face! Literally! If you put a Dwarves record on your turntable, a guitar will pop out and poke you in the eye! Snap! Oof! Ha ha ha! The drums are fast, you know, generic hardcore kickbutt 4/4. And the singer has a really cool sneering American shit-eating voice that will bring back fond memories of your Dad's old Standells 45s, if your childhood was exactly identical to mine. A great voice. He sounds like he hates you, but he's chosen to relate this news to you through a catchy musical medium that'll make you tap your foot really really quickly. And here - on Thank Heaven For Little Girls, he's infused the screaming hatepunk with a solid dab of sixties garage punk pop melody - the last two albums hinted at this sixties influence, but only here do they finally bring it to the fore and present it to you as a solid real-life influence (or maybe it's just Ramones envy - either way, the songs are catchy as hetch hetchy - I drink a whiskey drink! I drink a lager drink!). More illicit sexual activity is discussed frankly with your children in "Fuck 'Em All," "Fuck Around," and "Who's Fucking Who" (which is probably about sex; I've never really noticed one way or the other), but the other tracks are more concerned about general hatred ("I don't give a fuck about anybody but me!") and counter-cultural issues ("Satan," "Speed Demon") than offensive juvenilia for the sake of itself. It's a good record! The songs aren't as interchangeable as those that came before ("Blood Brothers Revenge" has a slide guitar, "Fuck Around" has background bubblegum vocals, "Dairy Queen" is a ballad, "Satan" has sound effects, "Speed Demon" has a slow part, etc. etc.) and the change makes for a delightfully diverse and fast as the Internet is slow experience. My pal Christian Smith likes this one better than Blood...., but I like that one the teensiest bit more, probably because it just so violently kicks your face in, instead of wooing you with artistic aspirations, as meager as they may be. Both albums rule, though, and should be a part of your collection.

Reader Comments

jnw@iglobal.net (Jim Hull)
This is my third-favorite Dwarves item..."Dairy Queen" is a great great song, and Blag has to have been listening to the Ramones and some old Stooges records...I say 60% great stuff, 40% just okay, and give it a 7.

This album will always have a special place in my heart and scar tissue. I was watching them at some unremembered basement club in Toronto and ended up with my only gig-related injury. How it happened I do not know- I was loaded and I think one thing happened but two friends offer two other explanations. The important thing is I found myself sitting in an emergency room holding a beer-soaked bar towel against a gash in my head. Shirt was soaked with blood, pants had some, and there was even blood on my shoes.

PS fortunately Dwarves played last- before them there were amazing sets by Mule and Supersuckers. Stitches aside, it doesn't get better than that.

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Sugar Fix - Sub Pop 1993.
Rating = 9

A change. For the better??? For the worse???? Well, for the different. And that's about it. Sugar Fix is great, once you get used to it. It just takes a few listens to get used to it. It's more of a mean garage ghetto rock record than a hardcore punk one. Most of the riffs are upbeat, but not "doop chick doop chick doop chick" at a million miles an hour like before. Also, every song is pretty much in the same key, which is kind of weird. Ooh! And the lyrics aren't offensive at all! Hmm. No biggie. The riffs are still cool (the lead track, "Anybody Out There," is in fact the winner of my own personal award for "Greatest Rock and Roll Song of 1993"), and the guitar sound has more of an eerie reverbed feel to it than the straight punky distorted stuff heard on the earlier records. I like it! The sixties influence persists, but it's a darker sort of '60s vibe than the pop-happy "Fuck Around" vibe - "Wish I Was Dead" is a good example. How happy a song is that? "Saturday Night" is awfully peppy, but then it's pretty much a complete Ramones rip-off, so leave it be. I wish not to discuss any more specific tracks, but I definitely want to mention "Smack City," a catchy lil' ditty about the drugged-out Seattle grunge scene whose second verse (as far as I can tell from ears alone) is "You can come/Come as you are/and you can drop down dead behind the bar! And you can touch/me 'cuz I'm sick/and tell me that your wife's the same from suckin' dick!" Ha, Blag's wit strikes again! Fwak! Immedio! In porch, Sugar Fix is a great rock and roll album. It's not hardcore, though, so "don't get your panties in a wad," as those cool guys from my 6th grade class who wore parachute pants and Members' Only jackets might have put it. Jason Day. Ha!

Oh yeah - before Sub Pop released this record, I saw a notice in my local Creative Loafing that He Who Can Not Be Named had been knifed to death. Nah. It was a hoax. When the heroin addicts who run Sub Pop found out, they dropped the Dwarves and the Dwarves broke up. Aye! Calamity!

Reader Comments

jnw@iglobal.net (Jim Hull)
"Smack City" is a fantastic Stooges/Beach Boys ripoff, and wow, how I wish it had another verse...hilarious, and spiteful..."Saturday Night" was probably written by Joey Ramone, and is one of the best Ramones songs I've ever heard...Screeching Weasel and Hanson Brothers be damned...I give it an 8.

sandl.willis@virgin.net (Stuart Willis)
The first Dwarves album I owned, and still a punk classic. More subdued than earlier (and later) releases, but still quintessential Dwarves. 'Smack City' is class, and 'Underworld' is unfeasibly heavy for punk rock. 'Anybody Out There' could've been a hit, were Sub Pop on the ball. Lacking the HUGE guitar sound that made Tooling... and Blood... so necessary, but still a good buy - especially now that they've paired it on CD with the equally cool Thank Heaven.... A must-have.

benalto@benalto.com (Rocket Robin Hood)
A lot of my friends didn't like this record. Frankly, if the Dwarves had just kept recording "Blood Guts And Pussy" over and over they would of been boring. The slight change of direction with poppy, catchy as hell songs was great! 9/10 sounds good to me.

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Underworld EP - Sub Pop 1993
Rating = 9

This record actually came out BEFORE Sugar Fix, but I forgot I owned it and didn't run across it in my collection until seven years after I posted this Dwarves review page that you're smiling and holding a thumbs up sign to right now. Since I've already described the stylistic detour of Sugar Fix (which actually began HERE on this EP), I thought it would be easier to just tell you about the three songs on here as they compare and contrast to the ones you might know on Booger Fix.

Here's something interesting: I don't pick my nose. Not even in private. I just find it grotesque for some reason.

But back on topic, the songs are "Underworld," "Lies" and "Down By The River" -- three midtempo heavily-reverbed dark gothic-psycho '60s-influenced guitar rockers with Del Shannon's suicide in their soul. The first two you may THINK you know from having heard them hundreds of times on Sugar Fix, but that's my first sign that you're a really lousy Henry Rollins song ("Liar"). For you see, my friend, Blag Dahlia and his friends in the Dwarves community made alterations to both tracks before putting them onto the full-length. On the single here, "Underworld"'s guitar riff -- now see, I don't have the sheet music in front of me here on the grand piano that I use to type in my reviews (it keeps my insight more music-related -- I think we all remember what happened that year I typed them up on the ass dildo!), but try to imagine that you're hear listening to me sing. The original version here on this EP goes "deee---(down a little)----dee----(down a little)---dee!" and repeats, whereas by the time it hit the big leagues on Sugar Fix, the focus had been placed on an alternate guitar line that goes "deee--(down a little)----dee----(down a LOT!)---dee!" If I understood notes even a little bit, I'd be more clear with you. As it is, FUCK OFF!

The second track you keep claiming you know (but you're only telling LIES!) is "Lies." The album version has a sick, rubberheaded ascending bass line creeping upwards at the end of each line as the distorted guitar brashes away at the same low chord it was playing DURING the line, holding down the bottom fort if you will. Regardless of popular wives' tails, this was simply NOT the case in the original EP version. THAT version - the one I'm telling you about forthwith - requests that the guitar and bass BOTH play the ascending rubberhead riff at the end of each line. There IS nothing holding down the bottom fort. It's actually a bit discombobulating and sickening in this version, as if the band suddenly all developed Down's Syndrome at the same time and forgot how to play a melodically correct piece of music. I actually thought so at the TIME, believe it or not, and was relieved to hear the bottom floor remaining in place on the album version when it came out a few months later.

Track three is "Down By The River," a KILLER swinging death-in-the-woods raw rocker that could have come out of CCR during one of John Fogerty's darker, more PCP-addled moments. Yet a third reason for any big Dwarves fan to hunt this record down YES!

Sorry, that last word was supposed to read "TOMORROW." I'm constantly getting my Steve Howe bands mixed up.

Oh, but don't even get me started on Jeff Lynne. I shouted "MOVE!" so many times at the least ELO show I attended, the guy in front of me tore me a new asshole!

Unfortunately it's right below my left eye and I keep pooping all over people during important meetings.

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The Dwarves Are Young And Good Looking - Theologian/Recess 1997.
Rating = 9

Three years later, they reunited! Without He Who Can Not Be Named! He's been replaced by somebody whose parents named him Wholly Smokes at birth. I read an interview with the band around the time they decided to reform, and at THAT time, Salt Peter had rejoined as well, but by the time this record came out, I believe he had quit, to be replaced by a normal-looking blonde guy whose name I don't know. Mr. Everything, maybe? Don't quote me. I really don't know the guy's name.

Anyway, the record rules. It's very very 60s-ish (with beachy chord sequences and some of the most spirited singing Blag has ever done), but it's also very fast and tough. To put it succinctly, the album might as well be called The Dwarves Really Like The Ramones. Do you like The Ramones? If so, buy this album! The production is very strong, with all kindsa guitar overdubs layering harmonic tones on top of the high-speed drums, and great back-up vocals popping up just when you really really want to hear them. This is probably the most "band"-sounding album they've done, which is a pathetic way of trying to say that they don't just sound like they're playing as fast as they can or playing the same chords over and over again. These songs are varied, richly textured and just as catchy as a chumbawumba (who are the ones who ACTUALLY sing that "I drink a whiskey drink" song, as it turns out), half mean and half happy, and all sung by Blag as if he'd just discovered a new leash for his dog. It rules! Such verve and pep! A lot faster than Sugar Fix too. Lyrical themes? Worshipping Satan, killing people, and having relations with other guys' ladyfriends. That's about it! And in case the last two nudity-free album covers bummed you out, there are some nips on this one. Enjoy those nips!

Oh, by the way, I saw the Dwarves live recently, and they're really normal-looking now. It's kind of unnerving. Blag, in particular, has cut off his cool long hair and now he looks like any other short-haired dick. Like - a really UNLIKABLE short-haired druggie cock. For REAL. No more rock and roll image. He's just a normal-looking asshole now. Stay out of his way.

Reader Comments

jnw@iglobal.net (Jim Hull)
Great production, and yes, more great, hilarious lyrics...not so much silly as smart-ass, which hits my bullseye every time. The Ramones rips are just the best thing to enter my aural canals since a couple of old Descendents records...I love it, and give it a 9. A 9, I say!

I finally got this, on Epitath, one of about three labels that have it. I don't know if theirs any difference. I definately agree that it sounds a lot like Ramones, but they ripped them off a lot better than most bands. Great lyrics and Blag has a really good punk voice. A 9.

Too bad everything except Horror Stories is out of print. Anyone have any idea where I could get the others? I did manage to find Lucifer's Crank and Thank Heaven... in a mail order store in Holland for $30 US, but I'm not paying that for 20 minutes worth of music.

retard_love@webtv.net (retarded)
the ramones!? the dwarves are young and good looking in no way resembles the ramones fucker.

xqjennaqx@hotmail.com (Jenna)
You know how in cheezy movies, there's always the scene with a hot girl rocking out in her bra and panties singing into a hairbrush or something?

All I can say is that the Dwarves are truly panty-dance worthy. Nothing has ever made me want to get naked and dance as much as this band, or this album.

And I do.

Best band ever.

Bass player is Mr. Everything. Rex Everything = Nick Oliveri. also screaming vocals on many Dwarves songs.

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Come Clean - Epitaph 1999.
Rating = 9

Is it just me or does Blag Dahlia totally rule? He just has such a knack for creating an enjoyable punk record. This one isn't the pop-punk melody showcase of the last CD, but it's absolutely incredible in a different way. See, each song has its own personality, its own production tricks and musical gags, its own kickass quotient and feel. In fact, Come Clean is an album that cries out to be examined and admired track by track so I'm going to do just that right now. I'm hoping that these descriptions will make you want to hear the record. That's why I'm doing this. Here I go now.

"How it's done" is generic Epitaph pop-punk (and the only song on the record that I'm less than thrilled with)
"River City" is screaming hardcore as angry as any they've ever done (who the hell is that on vocals? Sure doesn't sound like Blaggy!)
"Over You" is a strangely serious weird industrial thrash metal parody that makes hardly any sense on a Dwarves album but works anyway thanks to the hip Metallica chugging guitars and funny techno noises
"Way Out" is FUCKING HEADBANGING DWARVES HARDCORE GO! GO! GO! with a weird synth break in the middle
"Come Where The Flavor" features somebody talking through a synth like Peter Frampton would before erupting into a smooth bent-note clean guitar classic rock song with disturbingly sudden editing cuts strewn throughout (go for that diversity, Blag!)
"Deadly Eye" is a high-speed western-tinged punk tune with some odd chord changes, three different speeds and a Ramonesy guitar solo (not to mention a Dwarves shoutout in the middle backed by swishy synth noises!)
"Better Be Women" starts with one of the most hilarious answering machine messages you will ever and then goes into a catchy and beautiful Young And Good-Looking Ramones rocker with funny misogynist lyrics
"I Want You To Die" features more larynx-scraping screams backed by a sub-minute descending '60s punk riff played at hardcore speed
"Johnny On The Spot" disappoints with a vocal melody swiped from "Demonica" but impresses with a great chorus, some nice chord changes and an awesome surf guitar break
"Accelerator" chugs like the best motorcycle music, complete with an accelerator-influenced guitar line in the chorus!!!!!
"Act Like You Know" appears to be an attack on uninformed media who accuse the Dwarves of being violence mongerers but I have trouble understanding the lyrics, mainly due to the five tons of goopy vocal effects piled on (and did I mention the Indian rain dance bit with the harmonica???? DWARVES RULE!!!!)
And finally "It's Tits" - dumb and catchy, quintessential Dwarves.

Jesus Christ. The more I listen to this CD, the more I am in awe at these guys for taking punk rock to such a wonderfully diverse and multi-textured level. And they just keep doing it over and over and over again! Sure it's only 21 minutes of music, but it's 21 minutes that encompasses the whole world of punk, metal and good old rock and roll. All with a rude conscience and speed to spare. Now that the Cows are gone, there is no doubt in my mind that the Dwarves are the greatest rock band alive. Let's hope they keep the flame going as long as they can still stand up!

Reader Comments

I had to listen to this thing a couple of times to decide what I thought, cause it's pretty differrent then their previous albums. My first take was that it's damn poppy and over produced. But. . .Come Clean shows the widest range ((Dwarves=wide range??!?)) on an album and is possibly their longest non-comp issue to date. It kinda reminds me of Blag Dahlia solo stuff and Dwarves Are Young. . . but more poppy and far less menacing. There are some hard tracks on here, but they are few and far between and not the concentrate form of "hard" that made the Dwarves infamous. 9 out of 10 is a bit high for this album; it's certainly not as good as . . .Young and Good Looking and is more then just one star below Blood, Guts and Pussy

My favorite trax are: Over You, Way Out, It's Tits, Better Be Women

i always loved punkrock, but i always thought that somehow every punkband sucked in a way or another...till i got COME CLEAN: This album is awesome and just fucking great, the best of all, agressive, cool, funny and still good to listen to. i love it, i love every song and i will buy everything else by the dwarves NOW!

the dwarves rule!

sandl.willis@virgin.net (Stuart Willis)
Great album. That's Nick Oliveri (Rex Everything, Queens Of The Stone Age) singing on 'River City'.

The dwarves Rock!!!!


They suck ass big time!!!

worst fucking band in the world!!!!

The Dwarves are the best, worst and probably the realest rock n roll band on the planet. Rock the way it supposed to be done like The Ramones and AC-DC. They get better as they go and they will kick your ugly face in if you don't like it. Your girl definitely better watch out. Evil is as Evil does..............

The Dwarves. What can you say about them that hasn't been said already? Well, you could make up some jabbering gibberish, and that wouldn't have been said, but that would just be fukking stupid.

I have come (clean) to the conclusion that The Dwarves are probably the best band on the planet. When I hear punk music, I don't wanna hear Jello Biafra self-righteously whining about shit, I WANT FUKKIN CHAOS! I want songs about drinking, fighting and fukking, and the HELL with saving the fukking world.

That's one thing that struck me about yer reviews of Dwarves stuff: the fact you never mention the monumental amounts of Dead Kennedys riffs they use in their stuff. Shit, Smack City (my nomination for best song on ever) sounds exactly like the theme to the old Batman TV show done by the DKs, with a bit of Beach Boys thrown in at the end for good musical measure. And it's utterly amazing: music to slipnslide about a floor in vomit to, which I actually did at a Ramones gig many moons ago; this is vomit-surfing stuff!

Too little seems to be made of Dahlia's lyrical dexterity too. Many people seem unable (or can't be bothered) to look beyond the slippery surface sheen of come-n-cuntjuice to see there is some serious fukking lyrical talent there. Sporadic talent - but there nonetheless. I mean, shit, look at Cain Novocaine: how can you fault lines like "I need to come into town on a bronco that felt like a thousand years"? That is fukkin quality mayhem.

Interesting to see too how they still throw riffs from 60s songs through their stuff, even at a late date (Johnny, Remember Me used in Johnny On The Spot) and how seamlessly it sits integrated into the whole searing sonic whole. Shit man, they even quoted Simon And Garfunkel ("I am just a poor boy/my story seldom told/except by me so shut yer fukking mouth/if I might be so bold") on The Dwarves Are Young And Good Looking...and got away with it! I love this kinda shit. I only noticed the S&G lift a coupla days ago when I was in a restaurant and their tune was playing. I was sitting half-listening to the song...I heard the lyric Dahlia used on TDAYAGL...and chuckled to myself. Quality fukkin mayhem.

The Dwarves are ultimately like a strange hybrid punk/60s/everydamnedfukkinthing (on Come Clean) karaoke cover band, with extremely sick lyrics (many of them about horror flicks: Donovan's Brain, Near Dark, Alien) thrown into the mix. And it works like fukk. Not every time, but most of the shit thrown at the wall (of sound) sticks. These mad cunts truly do not give a shit. Anybody out there know of a place where I could either get Dwarves bootlegs or videos or The Scum Also Rises, the video they did and used the trailer for on Thank Heaven For Little Girls, by the way? I'd be seriously interested. Also would appreciate the lyrics for most of the stuff on Blood, Guts And Pussy (the best album ever fukkin made, apart from Fresh Fruit For Rotting Vegetables and My Brain Hurts) if you know 'em. And if you ask me nicely I'll tell you about Blag Dahlia and his cyberadventure with his ultimate teenage wet dream, Ann Esthetic...

duanetp@yahoo.com (Duane Palmer)
Overall this album ALMOST completely sucks. There are a few good songs River City, Deadly Eye, I Want You To Die... But the ridiculous pop punk shit of 'How it's done' is by far the WORST song they ever wrote. One more example of how success has ruined a great band. Blag's reused of rhythms and the introduction of badly done synth, makes them seem like they are trying to expand thier music w/o any direction. 3/10

I think this is by far the most accesible and enjoyable Dwarves record, much better than Young & Good Looking (but maybe not as memorable and lo-fi authentic as Blood, Guts...); the only problem is that, by the end of the Cd, starts to get a little bit lame (until "I Want you to Die"-included-, is a total winner). But, being the most varied Dwarves record to date, make it one of the best (and few) things that Epitaph-type Punk can offer us.

The best songs here: Over You, River City Rapist (cover of the Texan punk band, River City Rapists), Way Out, I Want You...

Add your thoughts?

How To Win Friends And Influence People - Reptilian 2001.
Rating = 9

It's hard to figure out their motives for this one -- all but three or four of these tracks are simply re-recordings of previously released Dwarves songs. For those eagerly awaiting a follow-up to the awesome, progressive-punk Come Clean, this feels like a ripoff and letdown. However, if the goal of the release was to serve as a "best of" compilation, then it's a kickass way to give the beginner a quick rundown of their latter-day hardcore career (nothing earlier than Good Butts And Plushies) while holding the attention of the long-time fayan, as somebody from North Carolina might call it.

While the remakes of Gussy Puds And Blouses tracks "Let's Fuck," "Fuck You Up And Get High," "Drugstore" and "Detention Girl" don't come close to the insane violence of the original takes, the lyrics are much more comprehensible and the songs themselves still obviously RUEL!!! THAY RUEL!!!. And every tuner on here sounds as good as or better than the originals - very strong, rich, multicolored production where you can hear everything. Highlights include: "Anybody Out There?" is played as a swaggering "live tune" with fake audience yelling their approval, especially during the breakdown middle part, "Detention Girl" features a spooky siren running through half of the song (you'll think it's coming from outside my window!), "Fuck You Up And Get High" features screamed vocals by whomever the gentleman was that screamed "River City Rapist" on the last one, "Speed Demon" features a middle part spoken through a megaphone and the mostly-one-chord hardcore pumper "Astroboy" finally makes it onto a CD!

And the new tracks, you're wondering? Briefly -- "Intro" is a hilarious sample, "Dominator" is superfast but not really a standout in such a great collection, "Follow Me" sounds like later Ramones, with muted strings and a catchy hard rock/metal punk chord sequence (as well as HARMONY VOCALS in the middle part!!!!) and "Surfing The Intercourse Barn" is a bit of surf/spy jamming fronted by a reading from Blag Dahlia's book Armed To The Teeth With Lipstick. A book!?!? Well, it's sicko porn dark comedy about a whorehouse that's run like a fast food restaurant. "With friends like that, who needs enemas?" Leave the CD in for another 15 minutes and you'll hear Blag introduce the band and give a shoutout to all past members. Do

eet! I can't tell you how to live your life. But I WILL recommend the following: the five studio albums released by the Dwarves prior to this one should ALL be purchased. They're astonishing from beginning to end (which generally lasts about 17 minutes). If they drive you to the kind of Dwarves fandom that you should be driven to, go ahead and pick this one up as well. I think of it as kind of like a Peel Sessions album, where it's just neat to hear different studio versions of my favorite songs. Not as essential as the others, but I'm not kidding about that 9 out of 10 up there. Heck, they could make three or four more just like this one and they'd probably ALL get 9s out of 10. Such is what happens when your back catalog is so rich with JIMS.

Reader Comments

sandl@willis717.freeserve.co.uk (Stuart Willis)
I heartily agree with Mark.

Although I'd rather hear new stuff from Blag & Co, this is still a great album in it's own right.

Thanks to Eric Valentine's co-production (alongside Blag, masquerading as the Greedy Bros) these songs are clear, crisp and HEAVY!! They're also astonishingly faithfull to the originals - so much so that, apart from the improved sound quality, you end up wondering "What's the point?"!

But it's a great collection of well chosen classics.

A few trivia points:

The opening sample is British comedian Stephen Fry acting as a judge in "Spiceworld: The Movie".

"Fuck You Up" benefits from vocals by Rex Everything. He is, of course, better known as Nick Oliveri from Queens Of The Stone Age.

"Surfing the Intercourse Barn" was previously available as a 7" B side, and credited to the band Blag Dahlia (Mark, you should review their excellent "Venus With Arms" EP - it rocks).

Finally, if you're left wanting more, look up these obscure Dwarves tracks:

A speeded-up cover of "Big Balls" on the AC/DC tribute album "Hell Ain't A Bad Place To Be"

A speeded-up cover of "Hobbit Motherfuckers" on the Turbonegro tribute album "Alpha Motherfuckers"

"The Band That Wouldn't Die" (a fast song, natch) on the compilation album "Short Music For Short People"

If you're a true die-hard, you could even seek out the Earl Lee Grace country album Dahlia released during the band's split in the late 90's. It features pretty radical reworkings of "Saturday Night" and "Fuck So Good"!!!!

Oh, and Blag apparently produced a remix for a lame Offspring single not too long ago. I bet he laughed all the way to the bank!!

Charlene135@webtv.net (Charlene Arnett)
anybody that has slaged the new record has really got there head up there ass it just fuckin kicks. shut up and enjoy!

have a great day

I only have one thing to say--I have great respect for the Dwarves. I love their music, their concerts are nothing short of kick ass. They're grate to party with, these are some hard-core guys that have the good fortune to put out some awesome stuff.

However, check out Bad Brains sometime. You'll learn exactly where they gained their greatness--they learned from one of the best!

martief@earthlink.net (Martha Fisher)
who the fuck would could of been here to see about the dwarveas and didnt want this record fuck all of you computer fucking retards this is the only and last thing ill try to find on your so called net of irresponsible bullshit fuck you up and get high and my grammer or typing tecniques are nothing more than your boring asses to critique come to twompton california and we all have a bad reputation little girls

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The Dwarves Must Die - Sympathy For The Record Industry 2004
Rating = 4


According to "Retaking Moria" by Sam Troth, "The Dwarves must die fighting and take as many Goblins with them as possible." I couldn't agree less, and society is with me on this: The Dwarves are a gentle mountain beast of a hardcore punk rock band, and that's why everybody is going to be so pissed off when they buy the latest Dwarves LP and realize to the chagrin of their adrenaline that, as Blag states in one of TWO (or is it THREE?) hip-hop songs on here, "I don't give a fuck about punk rockin' no more."

And here's the part of the review where your eyes get really big and nervous as you wonder what the hell the Dwarves are doing playing hip-hop music. Is it a joke at the expense of BlacKKK America? Nope. Blag's into hip-hop now. He's always been into sex, violence and braggadocio, so it's only natural that he would take to a form of musical expression built almost entirely on those three principles. Personally, I don't care for the hip-hop tracks on here. I appreciate the urge to try something different, but a band as brutally melodic as the Dwarves can only be hindered by embracing the least musical genre in the universe.

But it's not a hip-hop album, so let's get back to a decent discussion of the decadent dildos of The Dwarves Must Die (although with the looks of that one fat guy in the band, maybe it should be called The Dwarves Must DIET!)

(As far as I know, there's not actually a fat guy in the band. I lie when it benefits me -- the president taught me that.)

The Dwarves Must Die is by a big ol' wide margin the most diverse CD these long-running speed animals have ever released. And be prepared because at first, this is a major turnoff. "Where are the hardcore songs?" you might exclaim. "What is this fancy production beach music/surf spy/industrial metal/rap/acoustic pop/garage blues-rock/church music/death noise SHIT!?" Well, I'll tell you where the hardcore songs are. Mostly all crammed together at the end. It's a trick - a ruse for you all. There are actually seven Dwarves-style high-speed hardcore kickass monster punk songs on here. It's just that the other eight tracks are so viciously NON-Dwarvesian that the traditional tracks seem to whizz on by in a steam of still-bubbling confusion regarding Blag's motives and recent listening habits.

As I feel I made REALLY QUITE CLEAR a few sentences ago, the non-hardcore tracks tackle a wide range indeed of musical genres young and old. "Like You Want"? Blues-rock (supposed to be Stoogey; actually sounds like bad Mudhoney) "Christ On A Mic"? Possibly the world's first hymnal/punk/metal/hip hop hybrid, and possibly the most bizarrely successful experiment on the record. "Runaway"? Acoustic PUSA-style happy pop, but with grotesque incest-ridden lyrics. "Fuck, Eat and Fuck You Up"? White Zombie-style industrial metal with Butch Viggy production tricks. "Salt Lake City"? Beach Boys summer pop! And "Bleed On"? Awesome beach blanket bingo with a hilarious vocal affect (Affect, not Effect) and guest announcements by Gary Owens of Put Your Head On My Finger fame. DID YOU HEAR ME??? PUT YOUR FUCKIN' HEAD ON MY FINGER FAME!!! (I actually own that album, incidentally. It's none too good.).

So you see, even though I can't even think about this album without getting The Meatmen's "Morrissey Must Die" stuck in my head, it certainly is a whirlwind of a whirligig, and anyone trying to deny that is just fooling nature. Even if not every genre on here is your "thing" (phallus), you can never go wrong with a Blag Dahlia lyric. Here, let's enjoy a few together:

"Massacre": "This one goes out to the Queens of the Trust Fund. You slept on my floor; now I'm sleepin' through your motherfuckin' records."

"Fuck, Eat And Fuck You Up": "See, life is simple. It's not complex/We masticate, fight and have sex."

"Runaway": "Suzie smears her lipstick. It tastes like Daddy's cum./Johnny's in the back getting beat off by his Mom."

"Salt Lake City": "There's not anything I wouldn't do for you/Except walk among the Osmond troupe."

As a long-time Dwarves devotee, I must admit that my first listen left me a bit horrified and nauseated. But it only took one more spinach before my ears adapted and I was able to write up an official report declaring it structurally sound (aside from maybe three songs of questionable quality - YOU KNOW WHICH ONES YOU ARE!). After all, when you break the whole thing down into the building blocks of life, is it even chemically possible to dislike a song called "Fuck The Bitch And Go"?

I guess we won't know until the next Tom Petty album comes out. Until then, enjoy "Blast These Assholes!"

You won't find a safer or more powerful home colonic kit on the market.

Reader Comments

javier.blanco@asemas.es (Javier Blanco Perez)
After listening to this Cd, i realize that the Dwarves are starting to get predictable and tiresome; fact 1) their lyrics nowadays, just plain suck, and i'm not sayin' that i'm scandalized or stuff, but they're dealing with the same fucking issues (sex, teen sex, evilness, violence, snorting, etc.)for 18 years or so, and in the same way 2) although i like a lot their past 5 records, because they showed a musical development, this one is like a parody of their last one (Come Clean, in the same way that Turbonegro became a pardoy of themselves with the crappy "Scandinavian Leather"), flirting with the same genres as in the aforementioned -industrial metal, power pop, hip hop, noisy stuff, apart from their melodic garagey punk- , and without being impressive at all 3)I'm sorry, but the songs included here are closer to be a product of the latest studio high-tech miracles than to a neat songwriting...

Well, in synthesis, i didn't like the fucking record, i can't see any passion or feeling in it.

emgebhart@comcast.net (Mike)
I had to laugh at this one, I mean, of course, the one f’n Dwarves cd I buy, is arguably the worst one! Wtf!?!?

Lol, anyway, I didn’t think it was half bad simply b/c I thought it was a cut at current mass music, namely all that hip-hop rap-crap! But now after reading the past reviews for Dwarves work, I see they must not always have been this way.

I am new to the Dwarves, saw their lovely album covers at the Tower Records I used to work at, and some-0-my co workers suggested I check them out.

I will definitely be looking up a few of their more highly regarded shit now, I mean, geeez, I thought “…must die” was kinda hilarious actually, but if they are indeed, or were, a serious punk band, well, as serious as punk could ever get, then I will be listening to albums before this one. I guess to fully capture the anger of stupidity that this release apparently has conjured in long-time-fans of this band, I would have had done better if this were not my first sample of The Dwarves, so all who looked at this as a big f-u to punk, maybe take my approach, listen as if you’ve never heard ‘em…….it ain’t half bad.

Hi, firstable, i'm from Lima, Perú, so excuse my english. I think "the Dwarves must die" is a really good album. If some of you think Blag became crappy doin' hip-hop songs might be 'cause you don't know him and his music enough. Blag has been listenin' to hip-hop for a few years and he has been always trying to innovate.

If you listen to Blag's solo album you'll found even country music. He's just doing what he likes to in a punk way. His lyrics are still rad, I mean, it's ok to keep some topics over the years because it's the way he feels it. This Album shows a very hard work, nice pop tunes with irreverent lyrics (Runaway 2), hardcoresongs like "blast these assholes" and "Downey Jr", 2 hip-hop tunes ("Massacre" and "Demented") and a very cool church-hardcore-hymn named "Christ on a mic".

Even in the firsts Dwarves records there are some weird and experimental music you can't call exactly punk rock. Give a listen to "Every Night" or some tracks on Horror Stories and you'll found out.

Anyway, I love this album, the Dwarves have been my favorite band since I heard "...are young and good lookin", I this records is no worst than their past records.

duanetp@yahoo.com (Duane Palmer)
Though I would add something about the new album from the proclaimed leader of the 'Palmerist Movement' -- apparently appointed. Anyway this album was completely what I expected.. Complete shit, but I bought it anyway -- so you guys got your money. A few songs almost had the old feel, but the over production and sing along/slow vocals ruined those. I think the title says it all -- their calling it quits because they'll NEVER be what they were. Looking at it from the creativity point..... Maybe playing that style is new and breaking ground ---- for them. Heard a million fucking bands that do it better and with more sustance. Why bother putting out this album, except to cash in or make a label happy. This ablum will find it's home in the used section and bargin bins of record stores across the nation. The Dwarves need not die they are already dead.

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Fuck You Up And Get Live - Music Video Distributors 2005
Rating = 7

The last thing I want to do is up anybody's avocado, but something must be made clear and clear today. If you're looking for a bunch of great speedy punk rock songs performed by a creepy-looking older man and some backup musicians, this DVD is perfect for you. It showcases the latest Dwarves line-up -- Blag Dahlia, HeWhoCanNotBeNamed, Wreck Tom (It's a JOKE name!!! Do you get it!? I DO!!!), Clint Torres (Another Joke Name!!! Or naive parents) and The Fresh Prince of Darkness -- performing a late 2004 show in NYC. The focus is mainly on the band's post-reunion material, featuring the parentless "AstroBoy" along with five tracks each from Must Die and Are Young And Good-Looking, four from Come Clean, a scant two from Blood, Guts And Pussy, a tiny ONE from Sugarfix and NADA from Thank Heaven For Little Girls or the pre-Blood, Guts & Pussy records.

And by "NADA," I of course mean the National Automobile Dealers Association. Did you know that the first three Dwarves albums are comprised entirely of theme songs for new and used car and truck dealerships, along with a valuation guide? The more you learn!

As an added bonus, they've also included five excellent nudity-filled videos (for "Over You," "We Must Have Blood," "Bleed On," "Pimp" and "Way Out") and a couple minutes of HeWhoCanNotBeNamed dancing around with his weiner hanging out, for all the ladies out there. So take it from Ol' Prind, if you enjoy awrsome newer Dwarves tracks like "Unrepentant," "I Will Deny," "Way Out" and "Act Like You Know," you'll be stagediving all over your television from start to finish!

"FEFU" sucks though; I hate that song. "I wanna FUUUCK! I wanna FUUUUCK!" If I want my music dumber than shit, I'll listen to the Bloodhound Gang THANKS.

Also, as a middle-aged man with a history of following the Dwarves and their antics, I must bring something important to your attention, for money runs scant these days and I'll not have you misspend any crucial jump rope money due to my lack of complete foreclosure. It is thus which follows foresooth: The Dwarves are not a young, vicious, evil, mean-spirited band of cruel, violent assholes anymore. Time was you couldn't attend a Dwarves concert without having the band hurl beer bottles at your head, walk out into the audience to punch and kick troublemakers, steal possessions (caps, etc) from the crowd, humiliate female attendees with lewd gestures, bash their fans in the face with microphones (I can't tell you HOW many times I heard that sick "THUMP" reverberate through the PA's when I saw them play in Atlanta in 1992) and abruptly end their concerts by throwing drums and shit EVERYWHERE after 12 or 14 minutes of music. They used to be truly DANGEROUS - like a whole band of GG Allins (sans poop). Such is no longer the case. They are now a responsible punk rock band playing great songs and not hurting anybody. This is obviously a better deal for the fans in the front and club owners concerned about their insurance policies, but it's not nearly as much fun to watch.

Heck, maybe the new line-up IS mean, but were just being nice on this one particular night. Who knows. I'm not saying that Blag should go back to beating the hell out of people who pay money to see his band play; I just want the consumer to know what to expect here: a concert and some nudie videos, NOT the legendary Dwarves mayhem of blood and bile. You want some of that, watch the video for "We Must Have Blood." You'll see I ain't lyin'!

Also, you know that president guy? That guy sucks.

A Celebrity Making A Political Statement

Reader Comments

Fun dvd, some of it makes me miss the olden days. Namely the "We Must Have Blood" clip. I'm kind of pissed the set is identical for the whole tour. The Chicago show was identical to the NY show. I was hoping they could have thrown in a few more thrashers and aced "You Gotta Burn". Oh well nice to see a proper live document of the current Dwarves.

At one point in the show Blag raised the mike and I yearned to see one last thump. That Kurt and Courtney movie has a good Dwarves clip that lasts around 13 seconds.

Ah man! Thats such a pity! I am waiting for a DVD of their violent concerts ever since i heard them. i mean its even fun to READ about these concerts and they are so legendary. there must be material out there, come on! even though maybe a lot of cameras got smashed and stolen during the riots there must be SOMETHING left after all these years of being the most rock n roll punks ever. even if it just makes up half an hour alltogether, it would be great. come on guys, release "the dwarves RAW dvd", its gonna be a hit!

i never had the chance to see them live here in germany, now they toured quite a few times, but as you say, that was the serious punk entertainment line up. which is good though! best serious punk entertainment you can get. though i agree, fefu is shit. but for example "salt like city", as clichee and unexiciting it is, it sticks in my head. there is even fucking dexter holland singing there isnt he? and still i like it a lot. blag dahlia sure knows how a good punk rock song should sound like. he should keep away from writing novels and doing hip hop though, thats just silly.

FUCKING shit, i NEEEEEED to have this other stuff on DVD.

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Boot 1 - Greedy 2005
Rating = 7

On this release, Dwarves vocalist Paul Cafaro adopts the pseudonym "Blag Dahlia" for another romp-raged feast-face of hardcore, hip-hop and hilarity the likes of which you've never heard before! Mainly because it was only sold through their web site and it went out of print almost immediately.

Since it's impossible to find information on this thing anywhere online, I figure I should start with a quick track listing/description and carry on from there.

1. "Drinkin' Up Christmas" - A seasonal rewrite of "Better Be Women" (Come Clean) with lyrics about a drunk Santa Claus. Searching on Yahoo! for information, all I could find is a bunch of Podcast track listings, so maybe this was made available as a downloadable track from the Dwarves' web site at some point? No clue. The lyrics are available online though, strangely enough.

2. Because my track listing starts at #4, I have no idea what this is. It's a godawful fuzzed-industrial-hip-hop song featuring the line "Calling all Anti-Christs." Anyone?

3. "Massacre" (Clean) - Must Die

4. "Big Balls" - AC/DC cover performed with hip-hop verse and speedcore chorus

5. "Speed Demon" (Download) - Live version (Thank Heaven)

6. "Seven Eleven" - Brief acapella rhyme

7. "Meth, I Hear You Calling" - Mondo Generator song. Sounds like the same version that appears on A Drug Problem That Never Existed

8. "Who Put The Methamphetamine?" - Funny improv track by Blag with Optigan accompaniment

9. "One Time Only" - A cover of the Young And Good-Looking track by a girl group called The Holograms

10. "The KKK Took My Baby Away" - Ramones cover, with a much more interesting arrangement

11. "This Jihad" - Funny acoustic Blag song from the point-of-view of a resistance fighter

12. "Dominator" (BBC) - Presumably a BBC Sessions version of the Must Die track

13. "Want You Bad" (Remix) - Blag's remix of a fookin' 'orrible Offspring song. Which is weird because the Offspring usually kick so much ass. Like in that ass-kicking "Low Self Esteem" song. Does the singer know he sounds like Michael McKean?

14. "Shit's It!" - No clue who's behind this one. A country song about poop.

15. "FEFU" (clean) - A supposedly 'clean' version of the Must Die track, although replacing the F-words with female orgasm noises probably wasn't the most effective way to secure radio play.

16. "Blast" (inst) - Instrumental version of "Blast These Assholes" (Must Die)

17. "Take Me To Your Leader" - Desert Sessions track with Blag on vocals, using the same vocal melody as the "MTV" part of "Massacre" (Desert Sessions, Vols 5 & 6)

18. "Killa Cali" - Jokey lo-fi hip-hop improv presumably by Blag and Nick Oliveri, though I'm not positive

19. "Down By The River" - Underworld EP

20. "Don't Hate Me" - Improv Blag monologue atop hip-hop beat

In summation, Boot 1 features seven novelty comedy tracks, four songs from other artists' albums, three slightly altered Must Die tracks, two cover tunes, a live track, a BBC session, a B-side, and a terrible song that I don't know the title of. However, viewed another way, Boot 1 features 8.5 punk/hardcore tracks, 7.5 hip-hop/nu-metal tracks, and 4 "others" (folk/country/Optigan/acapella). THIS is what I want to discuss. Let's start a new paragraph here.

I have been a Dwarves fan since Blood, Guts & Pussy came out in 1990. That was 16 years ago, which is a full half of my life. Throughout these years, I have eagerly welcomed all of their slight stylistic changes, from the more melodically hardcore Thank Heaven For Little Girls to the reverbed garage-punk Sugarfix to the punk variations manual Young And Good-Looking to the industrial hardcore noisefest Come Clean. However, I really cannot get into their current (final?) sound. Yes, the hardcore's still there in places, but Blag is clearly more interested in the other material -- the hip-hop, industrial nu-metal and modern pop. This is fine and dandy and by all means the way it should be - exactly as Blag wants it to be. But I can't lie to you and say that I enjoy it.

It was this realization that made me recently go back and lower the grade of Must Die to a 7. Regardless of its thematic ambition and strong, smart production, I simply don't like enough of the songs to give it an 8! The hip-hop tracks are kinda funny but musically worthless, the garage rock and folk-pop numbers are melodically generic, and even the hardcore songs sound pretty half-assed (though they're still really fast, and thus rule). Another problem is that, although Blag is still an exceptional hardcore singer, his vocal style on the slower songs drips with a really unattractive arrogance. Whether this is genuine or affected, it makes him sound like a complete asshole. And if there's one thing that Blag Dahlia has never wanted to be, it's a complete asshole! (See "Eat You To Survive," "Fuck 'Em All," "Sit On My Face," "I Want You To Die," "I Wanna Be Your Pimp," others)

With this in mind, it's probably no surprise that I can't stand a good third of the material on Boot 1. However, the humorous material is honestly funny, and it goes without saying that the punk stuff kicks ass, so I'm proud to endorse a full 66.67% of this fine release!

Now let me quote for you a few funny lyrics I managed to write down while sitting on the Jiffy Jonny. Believe you me, Blag "Paul Cafaro" Dahlia may be a fan of some lousy music, but he's as clever a wordsmith as he's ever been!

From "Who Put The Methamphetamine?," demonstrating the difficulty of lyrical improvisation): "I never really worry/I never really care/I never really get the pubis in my hair"

From "This Jihad": "You looked into my eyes and you asked me for a light/I didn't even see the plastic explosives in the night/Then you pulled the detonator from your hair/Now that's you all over, and I'm nowhere!"

From "Don't Hate Me": "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate me because... I don't know... Hate me because I like peanut brittle. Or because I can never remember anyone's name."

It's definitely worth buying if you can find it anywhere -- but don't count on loving all of it.

Unless you loved all of Must Die, in which case "Boot 1 - Count on loving all of it!"

Now here's a joke to cheer you up:

In old times, there were no surgeons, okay? Just magicians and dungeons. That's your set-up. Okay, so what they would do is -- because they had no surgeons, these magicians would take your heart out with a big knife. And believe you me, it wasn't fake! Ha ha! Anyway, so here's the kicker. You ready for the punchline? You sitting down?


GET IT???? They had no anesthetic!!! They would take your heart out, but see - they had no anesthetic!!!! HA HA HA HA HA HAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What do you mean, it doesn't make any sense and isn't actually a joke?

So basically you're saying I shouldn't take my humor cues from a man who's been high on speed for the past 29 years.

Reader Comments

Just thought I'd add that song #2 sounds like Dwarves Must Die leftover "Kaotica" which is on the Salt Lake City 7".

Also, you should review the Dwarves/Blag Dahlia split 10" that came out last year. The Dwarves side consists of DMD-plus-Astroboy tracks recorded at a radio station, and the Blag side's got a bunch of songs off this (Boot 1) cd. It's not that great, but it's worth owning for the cover alone.

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FEFU: The DVD - Music Video Distributors 2006
Rating = 8

- "FEFU" music video, featuring lots of nude Suicide Girls
- "FEFU (Clean Version)" music video, featuring a grab bag of unclothed Suicide Girls
- 40 minutes of behind-the-scenes "Making of the 'FEFU' music video" footage, featuring an assloadbutt of bare Suicide Girls
- "Fuck, Eat & Eat," a silly fan-made video short about a girl trying to get in shape so she can be in the "FEFU" video - NO NUDITY!? NO THANKS!
- The old-timey music video for "I'm A Living Sickness" from Horror Stories
- The young Dwarves playing to almost nobody in a restaurant in 1989, performing "Drugstore," "SFVD" and "Fuckhead"
- Blood, Guts & Pussy-era Dwarves (with Blag's penis dangling out), performing "Fuck You Up And Get High"
- Thank Heaven For Little Girls-era Dwarves performing "Blood Brothers' Revenge" and "Fuck 'Em All." And beating up their audience.
- Young And Good-Looking-era Dwarves performing "Back Seat Of My Car"
- The band at SXSW 2002 (with GIRL bassist Tazzy Bushweed!), performing "We Must Have Blood," "Dominator" and "Speed Demon" as Hewhocannotbenamed rolls around on the floor with his penis dangling all over the place
- Must Die-era Dwarves performing "We Must Have Blood" until Hewhocannotbenamed, with his penis hoisted agog, gets angry and smashes somebody in the crowd with his guitar
- A band interview conducted by a lisping loser in a Dallas pizzeria way back in '92, when drummer Vadge Moore was as much a mouthpiece of the band as Blag Dahlia
- A Blag interview conducted by two female college students in a Belgium dorm room way back in '05, with a giggling Hewhocannotbenamed 'helping out.'
- The commercial for old Dwarves movie The Scum Also Rises, formerly available on audio form at the end of Thank Heaven For Little Girls
- Blag Dahlia and his short-lived solo band performing "The Crucifixion Is Now" live in 1995
- Blag performing a solo acoustic version of "Fuck So Good"
- The trailer for an absolutely ATROCIOUS-looking shot-on-video horror/gore film called Misogynist: The Movie, starring Blag and some young people

- "FEFU" remains one of the absolute shittiest songs I have ever heard, and the Dwarves' worst-ever composition by a wide goddamned margin
- Even nude women can get really boring after 40 minutes of unedited behind-the-scenes footage
- Do you think the guy who performs as "Hewhocannotbenamed" in the band's current incarnation is the same guy who did so back in their early days? Or do they replace him as necessary like Gwar does with all their costumed musicians?
- Blag has always been a sleazy sex-obsessed creep onstage, even when he was very, very young. How does one grow up into the sort of person who can say to a restaurant full of patrons, "We went to a strip bar today and the women didn't even take all their clothes off. So we hope some of you will help us out here tonight"? Is it drug-related? Ego-related? Or just hate-related?
- I really, REALLY need to find a copy of The Scum Also Rises - they look so incredibly violent in that movie trailer!
- Vadge Moore has very intense eyes, and is every bit as sleazy and misogynist as Blag! Perhaps they influenced each other to worse and worse behavior?
- There's far too much reverb on Blag's voice in the otherwise awesome "I'm A Living Sickness"
- Hewhocannotbenamed has always been big on the whole "show everybody my penis" thing
- There's not really a whole lot more you could ask for from a Dwarves DVD than what is included here. There's BLOOD (Dwarves beating up their crowd, fake blood in "FEFU" video), GUTS (it takes nerve to go around behaving like a whole band full of GG Allins!), and plenty of PUSSY (Suicide Girls, the lisping dork who interviews them in Dallas). Some good gags too; you'll laugh!
- I'll give it a high 8. The title song makes my skin crawl with its big dumb nu-metal chords and modern electro-effects, but every other song on here kicks some major-league hardcore ass! If only the title song didn't take up 45 minutes of the disc. :7(

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The Dwarves are Born Again – MVD 2011
Rating = 3

Well, it sure smells like it just came out of a vagina!

The Dwarves are Born Again is a slick, contrived collection of radio-friendly pop-punk, forced and derivative hardcore, pissy attitude rock and humorless novelty music. And aside from three or four songs, Born Again is literally just a collection of clichés – as if Blag were a hack session musician writing music for ‘edgy’ radio spots or film trailers.

Although they (meaning ‘he,’ since ‘Blag Dahlia’ and ‘The Dwarves’ have been synonymous at least as far back as Come Clean) manage to cram 18 songs into 31 minutes, very few deserve even the minute and a half of life that they’re granted. Self-referential, smirking titles like “The Dwarves are Still the Best Band Ever,” “The Band That Wouldn’t Die” and “Do the HeWhoCannotBeNamed” welcome you to a world where The Dwarves are nothing but a harmless Vegas act – sort of a Me First and the Gimme Gimmes with bawdier lyrics. And it’s sad as Hell that Me First and the Gimme Gimmes – a cover band - are still ten times more creative than the music on this album. Here are the specifics:

-- Radio-friendly pop-punk: “The Dwarves are Still the Best Band Ever,” “Looking Out for Number One,” “Happy Birthday Suicide,” “Working Class Hole”

-- Dwarves-by-numbers hardcore: “Stop Me,” “It’s A Wonderful Life of Sin,” “We Only Came to Get High,” “F.U.T.Y.D.”

-- Shitty arrogant snot rock: “15 Minutes,” “Bang Up,” “Candy Now,” “Your Girl’s Mom”

-- Dr. Demento bullshit: “Fake ID,” “Do the HeWhoCannotBeNamed,” “Zip Zero,” “The Band that Wouldn’t Die”

-- Chugging punk-metal: “You’ll Never Take Us Alive,” “I Masturbate Me”

-- Actual good songs: N/A

Okay, that last comment wasn’t quite true; I do like four of the songs pretty well. “You’ll Never Take Us Alive” is a nice thrashy Bad Religion thing, “We Only Came to Get High” is slightly less derivative than the other hardcore punkers, and both “The Dwarves are Still the Best Band Ever” and “Happy Birthday Suicide” match earlier tracks like “Better Be Women” and “Saturday Night” for beach blanket goodness. But four good songs out of EIGHTEEN!? And they’re SHORT good songs too!

Here are a few more observations, presented in handy non-paragraph form:

-- I wrote a song called “Working Class Hole” in 1988, when I was 15. The title wasn’t clever then.

-- “F.U.T.Y.D.” is an abbreviation for “Fuck U ‘Til You Die.” That’s right: they replaced the first ‘you’ with ‘U’ so that, when abbreviated, the title would have “F.U.” in it. Furthermore, the title line is sung to the riff of “Throw That World Away.” And it’s not a reference; Blag simply forgot that he’d already used the riff.

-- The most memorable guitar line on the record is stolen from The Beatles’ “I Feel Fine.”

-- “Fake ID” sounds like The Offspring. The Mother Fucking OFFSPRING.

-- That guy who screamed “River City Rapist” on Come Clean handles vocals on like half the album -- and I’m only barely exaggerating.

-- I hate this CD.

In conclusion, the infamous Dwarves of Blood, Guts & Pussy fame are now content to bring you polished, calculated garbage. Whether this is a cynical attempt to break big on ClearChannel or simply all that’s left of Blag Dahlia’s once-colossal songwriting ability is hard to say. What’s much easier to say is that they probably should’ve just stayed dead.

Reader Comments

wow, what a review.

what crawled up your ass?

positives for Come Clean and Must Die, and hatred for this one?

are you sure you heard the album?

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