De Sexists
*special introductory paragraph!
*Bonus Fat EP
*Milo Goes To College
*Two Things At Once CD
*I Don't Want To Grow Up
*Hallraker Live!
*Everything Sucks
*Cool To Be You

There's a mistaken notion out there that Southern California's Descendents recorded the awesome Milo Goes To College LP and then turned into All. In fact, most people (including the band members themselves) consider Descendents and All to be the same band except for different singers. This is patently WRONG. The real Descendents -- the one that recorded Bonus Fat, Milo Goes To College and I Don't Want To Grow Up -- had long since ceased to exist by the time they turned into All. The only member of the classic Descendents line-up who plays in All is drummer Bill Stevenson, meaning that All has no more in common with Descendents than it does with Black Flag! In fact, the classic Descendents line-up (guitarist Frank Navetta and bassist Tony Lombardo) had departed even before the terrible Enjoy!, let alone the godawful All. As for the reunion Descendents CDs, well... that's All with a different singer.

Bonus Fat EP - New Alliance 1985
Rating = 8

The Descendents joined Planet Rock USA in 1978 when guitarist Frank Navetta, bassist Tony Lombardo and drummer Bill Stevenson got together to combine the sound of '60s beach music with the energy of '70s punk rock. Their debut single, "Ride The Wild"/"It's A Hectic World" shot up the charts upon its 1979 release, eventually stopping with a bullet somewhere around #15,000. America should've been ashamed of spending their 1979 entertainment dollar on "My Sharona" though, because this single is a true joy! Frank sings side A with a voice and melody straight outta Compton 1964 as Tony picks some surf-spy bass behind him, and then Tony sings side B like the biggest nerd on the beach as Frank scraggles up and down his guitar neck as fast as his little feet can carry him. Godpraise you single! You're enjoyable with your early-60's/late-70's conglomeration!

But then the dark Reagan years flew in on the jet-black wings of a Bald Eagle of Hate, and the Descendents quickly became a much louder and punkier outfit. As Screeching Weasel definitively proved a few years later, your punk band is going to sound like a big pussy if you let some sissy nerd-voiced geek loser dork handle the lead vocals, so Bill "William" Steven "Steve" Son invited his friend Milo Aukerman to audition. And this Milo - he may have looked like a pocket protector four-eyed goobatron, but his gruff youthful shout had "Southern California Punk Rock" scrawled all over it!

With Milo sounding good like a good singer should, the newly quarteted Descendents released the Fat EP, a six-song, six-minute grab bucket of mean punk ("My Dad Sucks"), miniscule hardcore ("I Like Food"), simmering punkabilly ("Mr. Bass"), Ramonesy pop-punk ("Hey Hey," "Global Probing") and food jokes ("Weinerschnitzel," "I Like Food" again). The distorted guitar and drums are gigantically raw and loud, and Milo's charismatic shout-singing sounds like a cross between Ron Reyes (Black Flag's second singer) and Dez Cadena (Black Flag's third singer). Lyrically, the group was already focusing on what would become its key thematic issues (girls, teen angst, food and fishing) but thankfully had yet to adopt their discomforting misogynist stance.

Some of the material does seem a bit rushed though. "My Dad Sucks" kicks too much ass to end in 36 seconds, and "Global Probing" might have the makings of a good song, but crammed into 1:08 it just sounds like a poorly-thought-out mess. But how much can one complain about a 6-minute single that has songs as hooky as the intrigue-driven "Mr. Bass," dopey singalong "Hey Hey," and 1-part/16-second masterpiece "I Like Food"? Huge amounts of little, I'd demand!

So when 1985 rolled around, New Alliance slapped "Ride The Wild"/"It's A Hectic World" and Fat together onto a 12-inch piece of vinyl car seating and called it Bonus Fat. We all bought it and did a little fairy dance and life was never the same again.

Add your thoughts?

Milo Goes To College - New Alliance 1982
Rating = 9

This album is one of the most singalongable and (rightly) beloved products in punk rock history. The tempos are up, the guitars are fuzzy, the bass is loud, the vocals are more melodic than before while retaining that rough punk edge, and nearly every song boasts a vocal hook that is impossible to remove from one's head (examples: "Now you're gone and I'm alooooooone!," "Sheeeee don't need no one! Sheeee don't need no one!," "I don't know why-y/it's so-o/but it's true-ue!," "I'm a boy and not a toy! I will kill and I'll destroy!," "My day will come - I know some day, I'll be the only one!," etc).

In addition, although half of the record falls into the much-beloathed 'pop-punk' category, the emphasis is on 'punk.' This is aggressively performed and unpolished music that just happens to also be as tuneful as all patootie. Plus the other half is straight-up angry punk and punk-metal, kicking your ass with a fist up your dick. 15 songs in 23 minutes worth of fist up your dick, to be exact! And that's why homosexuals aren't allowed to get married. Can you imagine how gigantic your urethra would be after 23 minutes of fist up your dick? Why, your urine stream would coat the entire bridal party!

Speaking of which -- and believe me, I still love the album and always have -- Milo Goes To College is easily the most sexist and misogynist punk rock album I have ever heard. The Mentors, Meatmen and GG Allin are more blatantly misogynist, but that's what makes them harmless and funny. The Descendents are more insidious because they sing like they're sad and act like they care about the girls. But if you really pay attention to the garbage they're singing, it's clear that they view every girl as either a tease or a whore. If she won't put out for them, she's a bitch. If she puts out for anybody else, she's a slut. They're assholes. And all four band members write like this!

Let's look at some examples of the unbelievable shit these jerks are saying on this, one of the greatest albums I've ever heard:

"Myage" - "She feels safe when she's with him/'Cause he'll never try anything with her/Well you know now girl, just what want/Are you going to let it scare you?/I knew you would." TRANSLATION: "She wants to fuck me, but she's a little baby, afraid to fuck me. Fuckin' bitch!"

"I Wanna Be A Bear" - "Got a baited hook you are calling it your cherry/You want to settle down and you want to get married/I don't wanna smell your muff!" TRANSLATION: "Animals fuck without all the mating rituals. You won't fuck me because you're a bitch!"

"I'm Not A Loser" - "Take a girl out, she won't fuck you/You just buy her a gram of coke." TRANSLATION: "Girls are whores. Just buy them drugs and they'll fuck you!"

"Catalina" - "And you whores, you can't make me want.... The only fish I smell is on the back of my boat." TRANSLATION: "Girls are both whores and teases. And their vaginas smell like fish!"

"Kabuki Girl" - "Your face is white your hair is black/You'll probably stab me in the back." TRANSLATION: "Girls can't be trusted. They're bitches!"

"Marriage" - "When you see me staring at you/Do you know what I want you to do?" TRANSLATION: "Even though later in the song I claim that I don't want to 'have sex' with you but rather want to 'be your friend' and 'marry you,' it's pretty clear by lyrics like this that I do indeed want to have sex with you. Particularly since I'm the same guy who wrote 'Myage.'"

"Hope" - "Now you wait for his cock - you know it'll turn you on!" TRANSLATION: "Girls will even stay with guys who abuse them as long as the guy has a big cock. Because girls are whores!"

"Bikeage" - "Take a quaalude, relax your mind/Relax your body too!" TRANSLATION: "If a girl develops a drug problem, she's also a whore!"

Have any of these cretins even ever talked to a girl? The only song on here that mentions girls without bashing them is "Jean Is Dead," and that's only because the girl killed herself! I half expect Milo to follow "Now you're gone and I'm alone" with "I always wanted you to ride my bone."

As you can see, it's with some degree of hesitation that I recommend this record to you. Musically and vocally, it's about as wonderfully hooky as a punk rock album can get. But lyrically, it's goddamned near despicable. When I complained to my wife about this, she replied, "Well, it's four young guys hanging out together. What do you expect?" But that describes pretty much every rock band ever created! I don't hear The Beatles singing "I don't wanna smell your muff" or "The only fish I smell is on the back of my boat" or "Why don't we do it in the road?," so clearly these guys are a bit more aggressively anti-female than your usual gang of four. But that's entertainment!

The few songs that don't sound like Al Goldstein wrote them are just your basic naive teenager social commentary, but it's interesting to note that two of these lyrical departures ("M 16" and "Statue of Liberty") are also the only songs that seem out of place on this record. Awkward and ugly (though not awful), these two sound like the initial songwriting attempts of a generic punk band - far from the impressive songcraft of the other 13 tracks. Perhaps they were Fat leftovers?

Mmm, I could go for some fat leftovers right about now.

Reader Comments

I strongly disagree with you're views on the lyrics. To me, I thought that the lyrics played a huge role in making this album great. I'm not denying that they're subconsciously misogynistic or anything of the sort, but that's the whole charm of the album. It's kind of like the whole, "Yeah, you think you're so cool with all your girls and fun times, but yeah, fuck you. You guys are lame, I'm not the loser, you're the loser... I love my hand, you fucking losers." This album is kind of the blueprint of what pop-punk was all about, but it's so punk rock that it's probably the only good pop-punk album. It's funny because when you listen to some stupid blink-182 song you kind of hear their influence from the Descendents, but it's not the same at all because you just picture one of the members of blink-182 as a popular douchebag arsehole (Who probably hung out with all the football players and got high). I don't picture that at all when I listen to Aukerman sing his blatantly pathetically selfish lyrics. I picture some 'weird' kid who has no friends sitting at lunch with a couple other individuals of the same walk of alienation and jealousy. So, I guess in my opinion if it were anything different than it is on this album, it'd kind of come off as slightly pretentious, which this album is not.

By the way, did you emphasis on misogyny to obscure the fact that most people's objection to this particular album (Or albums) are the homophobic slurs through out some of the songs? I couldn't put my finger on it...

But besides that, this has been one of my most highly-regarded favorites of all time for a very long time. I haven't heard the 'Bonus Fat' E.P., but maybe I'll pick that up instead of another copy of 'Milo Goes to College'.
Thanks for finally reviewing descedents's about time!

This album made a difference in my young life but didn't make me grow to view women in a negative way. I'm not sure why you chose to focus on that aspect of their lyrics, but I can relate to being a young and sexually shunned young man. It made me bitter at the time, too. I mellowed and so did they as you can tell from their albums of late. I think what I appreciate most about the descendents is their unapologetic immaturity ...either that or their wild lust for coffee.

Thanks Mark, you are fun to read (and watch)!
Frankly, I think it's pretty ballsy and impressive that a bunch of 18 year olds wrote an album worth of music as good as it is, and had the audacity to write all the lyrics about how much girls piss them off and release it to the public. As a sexually frustrated teenager, I felt all the same emotions as these guys, but I tended to bottle it up inside - mad respect for anyone willing to throw all that shit out into the open and say, "Yeah, I'm pissed off that I can't get laid. Got a fucking problem with it?"
Have you honestly never met these women? I know I've met these women. I know Jonathan Richman's met these women, 'cause he's sung about them too. The girl from Bikeage? I wasted years of my life trying to figure out what was wrong with her. The key is to call them constantly, attack them for being self-destructive, trendy, and delusional, attack their choice in men, and then whine about how you're lonely, and they won't go out with you.

Add your thoughts?

* Two Things At Once CD - SST 1988 *
Rating = 10


This product combines Bonus Fat and Milo Goes To College onto a single, phenomenal 33-minute CD. This was my introduction to the Descendents, and I was so instantly floored that I still haven't standed back up. And yes this is partly just laziness, but also the CD is so perfectly paced for maximum emotional fulfillment that I'm unable to hear either of the original records alone without thinking, "Jesus, why is this so short? Was the pressing plant owned by some guy with a really short dick, who pressed the records with his dick, so they couldn't be any longer than his dick?" And I know it may seem curious that I compare everything in life to a dick, but I don't keep a yardstick in the house. (It makes my dick look too small.)

If you can't find the CD anywhere, then buy the two records separately but ALWAYS listen to them together. Otherwise you might end up like James Garfield -- DEAD and NAMED AFTER A CAT.

Reader Comments

What I did was burn my vinyl of Bonus Fat, Milo Goes to College AND I Don't Want to Grow Up onto a single CD. Now there's a nice collection of songs!

Between these two albums there are some of their best songs, but in my opinion, "College" has too many tracks that just whiz by without much notice from me. Still, "I'm Not a Loser", "Catalina", "I Wanna Be a Bear", "My Dad Sucks", "Suburban Home" and "Hope" are all classics. I could do without songs like "Parents" though. I never really paid attention to the lyrics much, and certainly never picked up on their misogynist side. I usually interpreted their spiteful lyrics as a burst of teenage frustration - often itself given to rash conclusions and unfair generalizations - directed at women who won't give them the time of day. Never got particularly offended by it, in any case, and it never hurt my enjoyment of the songs.

Remember Christian Slater playing "Weinerschitzel" over and over again as a DJ in that movie "Pump Up the Volume"? That was a nice homage I thought. Now I hear his new series "My Own Worst Enemy" is going to be cancelled. Barely out of the gate, and it dies a silent death. I haven't even seen it yet. Meanwhile, new idiot shows like "Mama's Boy" with Ryan Seacrest are popping up everywhere. I'll be glad when this Average-Joe-But-Still-Romanticized-Version-of-America-Non-Actor-Semi-Reality-Show fad is over with.

Add your thoughts?

I Don't Want To Grow Up - New Alliance 1985
Rating = 8

Today was a psychologically damaging day. My wife is out of town for work, and NYC is suddenly freezing, so I was sleeping on the couch right next to the heater. Apparently it didn't work because every time I woke up I was freezing; chalking it up to illness, I decided to email in sick and work from home. Nevertheless, I had about 14 hours worth of nightmares. I don't recall the earliest one, but it was intense enough to make me scream out loud. Luckily Henry The Dog heard me, and jumped from his chair to come over and wake me up.

Foolishly, I went back to sleep. At first, the dreams - though bizarre - were not frightening. In fact they were strangely cute, involving a radiation-deformed dog and a loving ethereal creature. The dog had about 23 eyes, then when it turned around, there were four OTHER dogs attached to its back end, each with two eyes, then nose, then a THIRD eye, then mouth. Somehow this was adorable, as ugly and creepy as it was. The ethereal creature was sort of like the Schmoo but less visible. At first, it could only make one noise: a kitten-like 'mew!,' but then it learned how to enter peoples' bodies and minds without their knowledge, and when it came out it could transform into any creature that it found envisioned in the peoples' minds it had entered -- and speak any words that it found in their minds (in the voices of the original speakers). It was a real sweetheart though, and loved to give hugs.

But then everything took a downhill turn when I began dreaming that China's public transit system involves tiny open rope cages for people to stand in, all tied together in a row and dragged along overhead wires like cable cars. Unfortunately, these open rope cages spent a considerable amount of time underground and in fact underwater, where rats continually fell into the cages and gnawed on the screaming passengers! So this was no way to keep a pleasant dream going.

Next thing you know, my dream begins repeating itself. I've had this happen before. Years ago, I got trapped in this horrible pattern where every night I would dream the same exact LONG, IN-DEPTH nightmare that wouldn't end -- it just kept reaching a near-conclusion and then looping back and starting over, and over, and over. In text form it may read amusing, but when you're trying to sleep and you can't get out of a perpetual mind loop it's fucking HELLISH! I would even recognize it while dreaming, but couldn't change it. I just had to watch the same frightening events unfold again and again and again, for like a week and a half! So that's what started happening this afternoon during my sleep. I noticed that my dream was starting to repeat, and then.....

Well, that's when I became incapable of waking up. I tried to wake up - I tried seriously to wake up, probably around 30 times in a row. But I couldn't do it. I was lying on my left side, and was able to open my right eye, which gave me a view of the top of the closet door. Using this view, I would then try to change my position by manually, muscularly moving my body - lifting my hands, pushing myself over, etc. And I would succeed, winding up on the floor next to a figure from my nightmare. And the nightmare would continue until I finally realized I wasn't awake, at which point I would re-open my right eye, only to be terrified by the sight of the top of the closet door -- meaning that all my physical efforts were in fact psychological. The nightmare itself at this point had to do with my inabiilty to wake up. In the dream, I had been asleep for 27 hours and was unable to tell the difference between sleep and wake. At different points, I was passed out in Carl Schurz Park, dazed in my childhood room surrounded by mold and filth, pleading to my father for help, trying to explain to the police that I needed assistance, etc. But during all this time, I honestly couldn't figure out whether I was awake or asleep. When I thought I was awake, I was scared to death that I had somehow damaged my brain and would never be able to think clearly again. When I thought I was asleep, I would open my right eye, see the top of the closet door, and try with every ounce of determination in my body to wake up. But I couldn't do it. Every time I thought I'd changed positions, I'd simply fallen asleep again. After what must've been a couple of hours of this, I was starting to get desperate. Starring helplessly at the top of the closet door, I started wondering, "Is this what happens when people fall into comas? Am I going to die?" Because it seemed so SIMPLE! I could see the waking world.... WHY COULDN'T I ENTER IT!?

Eventually (thank GOD) I was able to turn my body 180 degrees on the couch, open my left eye and see my dog on the floor. I still wasn't able to wake up, but at least I had moved. And this was enough to shift my nightmare to a different plotline. Now it had to do with a group of six men all connected by some curse. On a single night, a 'spirit' flew from house to house, entering the body of each man in time to make him (a) kill the person he was with at that time, (b) revert to his childhood self before anybody else reached the scene, and (c) upon discovery, immediately jump out the window to his death, at which point the 'spirit' would leave his body, go to the next man's house and repeat the action. It was an interesting horror movie scenario and normally I wouldn't mind a spooky dream like this, except for one thing: I was the one throwing myself out the window every time! It was in first-person, so my sleeping mind was reacting to this suicidal action -- watching the ground racing up towards me -- just as it would in real life. SIX TIMES IN A ROW!!!

So by the time I woke up (still freezing), I was certainly in no mood to be on the television, which is why you didn't see me on Red Eye tonight.

I Don't Want To Grow Up? More like Please, I'd Like To WAKE Up, if you ask me!!!

But enough laughter and good cheer. Not only is I Don't Want To Grow Up the first Descendents album without guitarist Frank Navetta (he appears on three brief tracks, but replacement Ray Cooper handles the rest); it's also the last good album the band ever released. It features the same pleasing mixture of pop-punk, punk-metal and teensy hardcore as its predecessor, just with fewer anthemic singalong hooks. The riffs and melodies themselves are still quite creative and memorable though, and some of the songs (ex. "Ace," "My World") are more emotionally tormented than anything on Milo.

On a superficial level, the playing and production remain raw, though less aggressive than before. The overall speed seems more midtempo than that of Milo, though a few hardcore tracks still make the cut. Strangely, the drums and bass are often as loud as the guitar, in fact drowning it out at some points. And Milo is unfortunately beginning to forego some of his rough shouting in the name of actual singing; it doesn't affect the quality of this album, but it does lead to some awful performances on the next couple.

A few sexist lyrics remain, but they're at least consigned to a side one ghetto, leaving side two completely sweet, sad and mature. Still, look at the inexcusable chauvinistic dogshit they shovel in your ear on side one:

"Pervert" - "Don't you sometimes wonder what I want/Don't you sometimes think I just want your cunt/I'd hate to think that romance is just a pose/But all I want to do is rip off your clothes."

"No FB" - "You mean nothing, can't you see?/And I don't want to smell your stinky beave/No fat beaver!"

"GCF" - "I like lust and sexual thrust/I like good clean fun!"

"Descendents" - "We're the proud, the few/Descendents, pickin' our butts tonight."

Okay, that last one wasn't sexist, but it was GROSS. And they get even grosser on the next two albums, so don't go no place where, if you wanna know what I think in my opinion if you ask me.

This is a very good album, filled with terrific melodies both dark and light. Milo Goes To College was a tough one to follow, but Bill, Tony and Milo managed to come up with a whole slew of strong, emotional, melodic, warm, angry, loving and anxious punk rock songs with only a few stinkers to be found ("Descendents" and "GCF" are particularly rank). And judging from "Silly Girl," "In Love This Way" and "Good Good Things," they've actually had a few DATES in the past few years!

One last thing: how is it that four of the best songs on here -- heartbreaking 'innocence lost' piece "Can't Go Back," Ramonesy sweet'n'sour "Silly Girl," emotional pop-punker "Good Good Things" and brilliant metallic closer "Ace" -- were written by THE GODDAMNED DRUMMER!?!?! Surely Ray Cooper must've felt like a total dick for not contributing anything at all!

Buy Two Things At Once first, but understand that your Descendents collection is not complete until you get this one. Yes, the first song is atrocious, and yes the lyrics to "Pervert" effectively ruin an otherwise solid punk-metal rocker, but Good God are there some wonderful tunes on here!

Reader Comments
you remembered that entire dream? holy shit... the red eye stuff is great by the way

on the album though... come on, I can see how you think all that anti-beaver, fish/cunt stuff IS misogynistic because I feel that to make personal attacks on the female anatomy is wrong, HOWEVER I do feel you're being way too sensitive about the lyrics in "Pervert" and "GCF." I know plenty of girls who think that way. What's wrong with lust and sexual thrust? Romance is just a pose, fool! Shit!
Yuck, that dream sounds horrific! Especially the looping part. Must be what Hell is like, all terror with no payoff. Seems that uncomfortable sleeping conditions lead to pretty messed up dreams, and visions of freaky mutated dogs... I once had a dream where a bunch of my friends and I were trapped in a glass building that was being attacked by bloody mutant dogs with extra heads and limbs, just banging up against the glass, trying to get us. Then some guy holding a butcher's knife drove up to the building, and when he got out of his car, you could see that he had a baby's face surgically attached to the back of his head.

The moral of this story: don't drink the water in Mexico.

As for the the Descendents, I kind of agree with you. They're enjoyable if you just shut your brain off and enjoy them as some sort of primal adolescent force... but when I think about it, they're not singing about MY adolescence, they're singing about the myth of what every male adolescence is supposed to be like. Was I really that much of a dick in high school? God no. Sexual frustration is one thing, but their records show very little self-analysis, and lots of blaming and name calling towards the "homos" (read: guys getting more action) and "whores" (read: any female). I suppose it's possible I'm just not picking up on their irony, though.

I'd give this one the nod over "Milo Goes to College" - the songs are catchier and more mature (well, sort of), and Tony's bass lines reign supreme here. I've always seen this as kind of like 2 EPs, with side one being "punk" and side two being "pop". Definitely a difference, and it gives the album a lot of depth for such a short album. The allegedly misogynistic lyrics are unavoidable here, with "Pervert" and "No FB" throwing their subject matter in your face. The former has a great melody and riff though, so I don't really mind, and the latter is real short (I see it as a continuation of the prior, superior short track "Rock Star"). "Can't Go Back" is melodic genius, a good indication of the unusually tuneful stuff Bill Stevenson would excel at from here on out. I think "My World" is my favorite though - a perfect summation of the loner's resigned arrogance and comfort with his "me against the world" stance. Tony Lombardo's "Theme" has a bass part that seems to go out of its way to utilize as many frets and strings as humanly possible - lots of fun.

Your dreams sound pretty spooky. I haven't had dreams quite like that, but I have had several in which I couldn't move, and was trying to get off my bed, and fell on the floor, hopelessly writhing about trying to get to my feet, only to wake up to find I hadn't moved at all, and then still unable to move for a few seconds until I'm fully awake and make a concerted effort to move my arms. I also liked that dream where I was playing baseball, lunged for a line drive and hit my wife in the head in the middle of the night. Good times.
Part of that awful dream experience was probably what is referred to as "sleep paralysis". This is not made up (check Wikipedia, EVERYTHING on there is absolutely true you know) but an actual phenomenon and I've experienced it countless times. I'm awake, but I can't move more than an inch, can't speak more than a faint whisper, and I hallucinate. Before I knew about the condition it was pretty scary (like when I heard someone writing something on my computer though I knew my wife wasn't home, or when I felt (couldn't see) a small girl standing beside the bed, and then starting to move her hands up and down the bedsheet (and this was before The Ring)... it was horrible.

Anyway, these days I'm trying to make my wife catch me in this state and see how she interprets it. It's supposed to be that your mind is (almost) awake while your body is still asleep, and it's the basis for many if not all tales about alien abductions and hauntings.

My way of avoiding it is not to sleep on the couch or in the daytime (although I do both of these all the time, and because of this I still get sleep paralysis from time to time). I hope it works out for you.

I have to say something about the album? I don't like music!

Add your thoughts?

Enjoy! - New Alliance 1986
Rating = 4

With Doug Carrion ("dead and putrefying flesh" or "rottenness; anything vile") replacing Tony Lombardo, the classic Descendents are finished. And this album is phenomenally bad.

Hey, you like reasons. Here are some reasons.

1. There's a drawing of toilet paper on the cover.
2. Instead of the song titles, the back cover lists slang terms for poop.
3. The jazz-punk title track features actual human farts and the lyrics "I queefed - Enjoy/Smell my feces - Enjoy/Sniff my ass whilst I pass gas."
4. The tiny hardcore "Kids On Coffee" features the sentence "Ray is drooling big spit balls" and the phrase "nuclear tits."
5. The weak thrash parody "Hurtin Crue" features the couplet "I am better than you/You are a piece of poo."
6. The otherwise impressive hard rocker "'80s Girl" is as misogynist as any song ever written, typified by the lyric "Won't you please suck my friends?"
7. The awful hair metal "Sour Grapes" is even more misogynist than "'80s Girl," with Milo writing off a new wave girl as a 'cocktease' because she ignores his flirtations. I'd almost be willing to write this off as social satire (hard rock guy lashing out at new wave girl) were it not written by Milo "No Fat Beaver"/"Pervert" Aukerman. There are very few lyrics in the English language as life-denying as "I wanted her cherry/I got sour grapes."
8. Ray Cooper adds palm-muting to the Descendents sound, wimping down every potential punk song into either terrible hard rock or inoffensive Me First And The Gimme Gimmes pop-punk.
9. Milo sings. Dully, flatly and stuffed-nosily.
10. Although not as excessively as they would on the next album, the Descendents have begun to poorly imitate Black Flag -- here in the shitty punk-metal "Green" and especially the 8-minute confessional "Days Of Blood," an honestly pretty cool jazz/metal tune rendered near-unlistenable by Milo's humiliating mid-song attempt to be Henry Rollins.
11. It only has two good songs - Milo's sweet "Get The Time" (later ripped off by Green Day) and Bill's gorgeous "Cheer" - and both are way more pop than punk.

CONCLUSION: A couple of brave attempts to infuse the Descendents sound with jazzy influences are undermined by disgusting lyrics, amateurish vocals and lame Tuff-Rock riffs.

I'm exhausted. Let's make up some jokes.

What's the difference between the Descendents' Enjoy and Madonna's vagina?
The Descendents album still has "Days of Blood"!

What's the difference between the Descendents' Enjoy and Britney Spears' vagina?
The Descendents album only SOUNDS like shit!

What's the difference between the Descendents' Enjoy and Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
The Descendents album has a roll of toilet paper on the OUTside!

Okay these are making less sense as we go. Let's switch to knock knock jokes.

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
The Descendents' Enjoy!
The Descendents' Enjoy! who?
The Descendents enjoy (Enjoy!) putting out terrible records!

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
I, Doug Carrion!
I, Doug Carrion who?
I dug carryin' (Doug Carrion) all those terrible songs to the record pressing plant, but can we record the REAL album now?

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ray Cooper!
Did you say "Ray POOPer"? Ha ha!
Ha ha! No, I didn't, but that's hilarious!
I know! Ha ha! Let's make a song with farts all over it!

CONCLUSION: A couple of brave attempts to infuse the Prindle schtick with jazzy influences are undermined by disgusting set-ups, amateurish punchlines and lame "celebrities' vaginas" riffs.

Reader Comments

I think you should have given this a 2-dot rating. I personally only enjoyed 2 songs off of this, "Cheer" and the Beach Boys' cover ("Wendy"). I actually gave my LP to my friend (Or former friend) when I got a copy of their 1991 compilation 'Somery'... Actually, I kind of liked "Get the Time", but "Cheer" is in my opinion one of their best songs. Unfortunately, as a whole this is complete shit and isn't even worth being pressed anymore. If only "Wendy" was included on the 'Somery' comp., then this album would serve no purpose at all except for a huge Descendents fan to purchase and have sit around on display... Or in the back of his/her rekkerd/CD collection.

Jim Hull
I picked this up on cassette in Denver in 1997, if memory serves.

Real disappointed. It’s really a throwaway record. I believe I listened to it twice, and then relegated it to the Indiana Jones warehouse of tapes in my garage. 2.

For some reason, even though I was buying up most all their albums as they came out, I failed to get this one. Hearing it years and years later, I see I wasn't missing a whole lot. I do like bathroom humor, so there's nothing wrong with that part of it, the album just doesn't leave much of an impression. Even the "hits" that are on Somery (which I do have) are fairly weak compared to their best stuff. The title track is okay, but "Hurtin' Crue" just hurts. And "Wendy" is just boring, like most Beach Boys songs I know.

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All - SST 1987
Rating = 4

As you may have guessed by the album title, this is where the Descendents turned into All. Ray Cooper and Doug Carrion are out, Stephen Egerton and Karl Alvarez are in, Milo's about to leave the band to pursue a career in biochemistry, and the stage is set for a band name change. But not before the Descendents churn out one more terrible record!

All is literally a multiple-personality disorder, swerving recklessly back and forth between cloying pop-punk, intriguing jazz-tinged metal, and godawful novelty songs. The pop-punk material ("Coolidge," "Clean Sheets," "Pep Talk") is girl-cutesy and predictable -- both a far cry from the cleverly melodic Milo/Grow Up material of the same genre and a precursor to the rotten Green Day sound that would capture the world's radio ear in the mid-90s. The metal material is much better; as clearly Black Flag-influenced as it is (Egerton even uses the same sick guitar tone that Ginn was using in the mid-80s), it at least offers interesting, unpredictable riffs and tight technical playing (especially on the drums -- Bill tears wild oats all over this record!). As for the jokey material: the less said, the better for my colon.

You know what? Fuck my colon! Fuck my colon up the ASS! Gather around everybody, for I'm going to tell you about the jokey material, and of my intensive loathing for it.

"All" - This is hilarious. It's Milo shouting the word "all" over a guitar chord! HA HA AHAHAH! AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH!!!!!

"No, All!" - This is uproarious. It's somebody asking, "All?" and Milo responding "No, All!" over two guitar chords! HEE HEE EHEEHEEH! EEEEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHHEEHEEH!!!!!

"All-O-Gistics" - This is gut-bustingous. It's Milo pretending to be a preacher, reciting commandments like "Thou shalt not suppress flatulence" and "Thou shalt not commit hygiene" while the band rips off some ugly Black Flag chords! HO HO OHOHOH! OOOOOHOHOHOHOHOHHOHOH!!!!!

"Van" - This is humumorous. It's a herky-jerky punk-funk song with such laugh-out-lousy lyrics as "Here in my van/I can beat my small cock/Fart on your face/Sleep on a loaf"! HI HI IHIHIH! IIIIIHIHIHIHIHIHHIHIH!!!!!

"Schizophrenia" - This isn't even supposed to be a joke song, but it's such a godawful 'mental breakdown' Black Flag rip that it's hard not to chuckle at its suckballsiness. Oh Milo, you're such a tortured soul! I can tell by the "Weird Al" reference in the third verse.

On the brite sighd, I'm happy to report that there are no sexist lyrics on this record (I used to think the line "Those sheets are dirty/And so are you" was a smirking comment about a hot slutty girl, but it turns out the song is about Bill Stevenson's girlfriend cheating on him and breaking his heart, so never mind). However, as I just demonstrated, the band's sense of humor basically revolves around... well, fart jokes. In fact, Milo can't even make it all the way through a serious metal song ("Jealous Of The World") without throwing in the wildly out-of-place 'threat,' "I think I'll fart on your face." Look, I've made more poop jokes than Mark David Chapman's killed Beatles, but even I find these constant fart references to be a real turn-off. So be sure and put that in the "Turn-Offs" section of my Playboy layout this April. It's a big deal! Besides Marilyn Monroe, I'm their first-ever centerfold with a penis!

This Descendents line-up is about 4,000 times more technically proficient than the previous ones, effortlessly navigating through difficult time signature changes and weird twisted riffs, but their decision to devote 2/3rds of the record to la-de-da fuzzy pop and fart jokes leaves little time to blow our minds with killer math-jazz-metal songs like "Iceman" and "Uranus." Also, I'd like to give a shout-out to a very cool song that doesn't fit into any of the aforementioned categories: "Impressions" is a truly oddball mixture of midtempo punk, strange jazz, and medieval folk music -- complete with acoustic guitar! Oh, if only they'd devoted more of the record to departures like this one. Oh!

Reader Comments

Jim Hull
I guess they didn’t have much direction, or know what their direction was supposed to be. It’s too bad, because the band can really play their instruments when they want to. It’s just that there are no ideas here, and to me, it sounds like they felt trapped between what they thought they should be doing, and what they thought expectations were for them. They sound like followers on this record, and it’s a shame. I give it a 3.

I like this one. I think "Coolidge" is a much better song than you give it credit for, and "Clean Sheets" might be a bit coy but it's still a pretty solid melody. "All-o-gistics" is kinda corny, but has a couple of good one-liners ("Thou shalt not have no idea"). My favorite is "Van", mostly for the tricky rhythmic changes (I wouldn't call it "punk funk") and 13/8 main riff, but also for the desperately joyful fecophelia (thanks, South Park!) of the protagonist. Bum tracks: "Iceman" (awkward riffing), and "Pep Talk" (generic power pop). You mentioned a couple of tracks on there that I haven't heard - they're on the CD but not the vinyl. I'll have to hear those sometime. As is the case with most of their records, the best songs are on side one, but on this album side two is still pretty good. I'd say this is my 3rd or 4th favorite Descendents record, which means it deserves, oh, say a 6.5/10.

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Liveage! - SST 1987
Rating = 5

This, the first of two Descendents live albums, features in-concert performances of two Bonus Fat songs, five each from Milo Goes To College and All, and four each from I Don't Wanna Grow Up and Enjoy. Several of the tracks seem faster than the studio versions (probably due to the superior 'chops' of the Alvarez/Egerton line-up), but many of the later songs are irredeemable, and Milo fails us well with some of the most bored-sounding and lazy vocals available on wax today.

A few of these renditions actually improve upon their studio counterparts: "Descendents" is meaner and speedier; "Wendy" dumps the palm muting and kicks up the tempo; and "Clean Sheets" is much less irritating without the super-high chorus vocals (though it still for some reason has me singing the hilarious parody lyrics, "That shirt's a dildo/And so's your old man!). These moments are rare, however. Most of the songs are either shits to the toilet bowl ("All-O-Gistics," "Coolidge," "Sour Grapes," "Van"), former winners reduced to ashes by Milo's off-key half-assing ("I'm Not A Loser," "Get The Time," "Suburban Home," "Hope") or songs that don't even exist that I'm just throwing in because I enjoy parentheses ("Eggs McSquiggle's Giant Bug," "Dude Ranch Fuckopoly," "Ernest Goes To Vagina," "Windshield Wiper Option For The Bumper Car Aficionado"). And that's no way to run a live album. That's a way to ruin a live album. That's no way to bruin a live album.

Either best or worst vocal moment: "SOUR FUCKIN' GRAPES!" If this was meant as a parody of Drivin' N' Cryin's lame "POWER FUCKIN' HOUSE!" of the same year, then great work Milo because that's honestly hilarious. If, on the other hand, it was just shouted out of excitement for what a 'kickass' song "Sour Grapes" is, then ew.

As you may know, the Descendents enjoy attaching the suffix "-age" to words in order to create song titles. Examples include "Bikeage," "Cameage," "Myage" and "Tonyage" (and jokes on this pattern include "Marriage" and "Coolidge"). So I thought to myself, "What would it be like if some of our OTHER favorite bands enjoyed this gag?" I think it would look something like this:

The Rolling Stones - "Angieage"

The Beatles - "Back In The U.S.S.Rage"

Led Zeppelin - "Stairway To Heavage"

The Ramones - "I Don't Carriage"

The Monkees - "I'm Not Your Stepping Stone Age"

The Beach Boys - "Sloop John Bage"

"Weird Al" Yankovic - "When I Was Your Ageage"

Nirvana - "Come As You Age"

Then I continued thinking to myself, "What would it be like if the Descendents had written MORE songs whose titles end with an -age?" I think it would look something like this:

A song about tailoring a suit - "Sewage"

A song about cutting meat with a heavy broad-bladed knife - "Cleavage"

A song about a popular science fiction franchise - "Vage"

Then I stopped thinking to myself, and began thinking to other people.


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Hallraker Live! - SST 1989
Rating = 6

This, the second of 14 Descendents live albums, features five songs each from All and I Want Don't To Grow Up, three from Boner Fat, two from Enjoy and a horrifying mere ONE (!!!!!) from Colo Goes To Mileage! In tribute to Thanksgiving, I'm now going to get quite drunk for a few hours before completing this review.

Milo sounds like Greg Graffin with a cold. A lot of these songs rely on strong vocal melodies, and Milo just kills them with his poor deliveries. At the end of "Iceman," he says, "Not necessarily an Iceman. Could just as well be an IceWoman. And in "No Fat Beaver," he sings it as "No Fat Beav-Ah!" Also, here's something intriguing that I found online about you:

YOU, THE READER detects and identifies bacteria and yeast in the urine. Urine is produced by the kidneys, located on either side of YOU, THE READER at the base of the ribcage. The kidneys filter YOU, THE READER out of the blood and produce urine, a yellow fluid, to carry the wastes out of the body. Urine travels through tubes called YOU, THE READER from the kidneys to the bladder, where it is stored temporarily, and then through YOU, THE READER as it is voided. YOU, THE READER is generally YOU, THE READER, but sometimes YOU, THE READER (or, more rarely, YOU, THE READER) can move from YOU, THE READER outside YOU, THE READER and migrate back up YOU, THE READER to cause a YOU, THE READER.

Here's a great song I just heard on the radio:

"Cowwoman Bill! Hey Cowwoman Bill!

Keep on Hcfkeslct! Yeah, don't stop slbidkst!

I need you to continue bldksotlgkelsl! Why do you keep ceasing tlblsslfieksa?

You're upsetting me by your refusal to qlsviblsl! Did somebody ask you to stop blskejvblsgle?


Did you see today's Sports News? Some asshole scored a point!

10 of these songs should be great, as they are in their studio versions. But only 7 of them are, because Milo sounds like his nose is shoved up somebody's asshole. Is that how they used to perform concerts? With the singer's nose lodged up somebody's anusbottom? Because I remain unimpressed. I'd have been all like, "Solid Gold? More like 'Solid WASTE!' even though they weren't on Solid Gold.

Have you seen the Ghost of John? Long white bones with the skin all gone? Oooo! Oooo oooo ooo oooo oooo! Wouldn't it be chilly with no skin on?

There was an old lady all skin and bones oo oo oo oo/She lived down by the old graveyard oo oo oo oo


(and so on)

(and so forth)

(ad infinitum)

She opened the door and


Now you're frightened and have never been so scared. This is the nature of Thanksgiving, the scariest day of the year. When turkeys eat your soul from your body.

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Everything Sucks - Epitaph 1996
Rating = 6

Have you seen this new James Bond movie Absence Of Malice? Ahh I thought I'd never see anything like it! Action scenes and excitement, Paul Newman all storming into the newsroom like an angry guy, Sally Field apologizing and helping to find the real villain. It was AWESOME! Remember that one part!??!?! Holy Piss Butt!

So the Descendibles turned into All, put out six albums and Jibbity-Joo! Back came Milo for an All-era Descendents reunion. And against all assumptions, it's honestly pretty good! There's no attempt to return to the crazy jazz-metal of their previous album, but if you hated that one's fart jokes and poor pop-punk as much as I did, Everything Sucks is like to float at least half your boat. Unfortunately, the other half of your boat will be forced to admit that (a) 7 of the 15 songs are predictable Green Day-style radio-'punk' for girls, and (b) the CD is totally top-loaded; there's only like one standout song in the entire second half. Can your boat come to terms with this? I'm very concerned about the emotions of boats, what with global warming and the pirates.

The CD is 29 minutes long (only one song exceeds 3:00) and sounds fantastic. The distorted stereophonic guitars are loud as heck, and Milo's vocals are surprisingly tough, confident and tuneful. It's hard to believe this is the same guy who stunk up Enjoy, All and both live albums with his lazy off-key wimp voice. These days he's sounding like a more mature version of his shout-singing Milo Goes To College persona! This newfound melodic strength is a key reason why even the most pedestrian of pop-punk compositions don't necessarily make me cut myself this time around.

Having said that, Karl Alvarez's "I'm The One" and "Thank You" should be buried in a hole out in the desert and left there to die screaming. What were they thinking releasing "I'm The One" as a single!? It perfectly encapsulates everything that was wrong with the mid-'90s "punk rock" explosion! (i.e. none of it was actually 'punk rock')

If it's Descendents classics you're after, you're going to have to look beyond the la-de-da smiley faces of "Sick-O-Me" and "When I Get Old" and embrace the darker and more creative underbelly of the album, particularly Egerton's killer punk rock title track, Bill and Egerton's hardcore "Coffee Mug," Milo's haunting dysfunctional family lament "Rotting Out," Alvarez's cleverly ascending "Caught" and FRANK NAVETTA(!!!!!!!)'s confused anxious punk sloucher "Doghouse." These songs are standouts because, unlike so much of the record, they focus on punk disillusion instead of Raspberries-level la-de-da jingle writing. Not that the band is trying to sound like Raspberries; they probably think they're playing a punk version of the Beach Boys (compare "When I Get Old" to that band's "When I Grow Up"). But lacking that band's beautiful vocal harmonies and arrangements, it just sounds like they're trying to cash in on Green Day. Which would be an appropriate day to cash in, I suppose, bu

Everything Sucks is better than All and Enjoy because those records were lyrically obnoxious, musically sloppy and vocally inferior. This record is none of those things. It may be their least adventurous and most traditionally 'pop-punk' album to date, but it sure is professional-sounding and easy on the ears. I give it a tentative, barely above average thumps ub!

But no more of this "music" talk. Do you people ever go on FaceBook? Facebook allows you to update your 'status' any time you'd like. For example, mine right now says, "Mark Prindle is beginning to look a lot like Christmas." Eugene Mirman's currently says, "Eugene Mirman often dreamed of trainasldkfjsdgifdgthisifgl..." It's just a silly, simple little thing that people do all the time.

Well, professional drummer and funnyman Jon Wurster last week used his 'status' to tell a ridiculous story of falsehoods. As you know, he plays drums for a living. That's what he does -- nothing else.

Now then, I present to you two days of Jon Wurster's 'status' updates, in chronological order:


Jon is looking at these sales reports Fullman just put on his desk and feeling pretty good about the '09 DustBuster Micro launch. 12:37pm

Jon just saw Ron over in R&D and got the scoop on the improvements they're making on the AutoWrench. Looks like B&D's gonna blow Skil outta the H2O with this! 4:13pm

Jon got fired from Black and Decker today. I was told it was because of the economy but I think it had more to do with wearing the mesh pants on 'casual Friday'. 8:01pm

Jon just got back from Chili's. It was fun forgetting about getting fired for a few hours. That Julie was nice. I wish I knew where my wallet is. 12:44am

Jon is going to bed. Look out, Home Depot, you're 1st on my list. If that doesn't go well, look out, Mike's Tavern, you're 2nd on my list. 2:03am


Jon 's at Mike's Tavern. The interview @ Home Depot didn't go well. They asked if I drive forklift and I lied and said yes. Now that customer has no nose. 10:35am

Jon is trying to avoid the police. And I don't mean the rock group who did "Don't Stand So Close To Me '86." 12:34pm

Jon is hiding in the bushes behind the Wendy's near New Hope Commons. Though fearful of being caught, he's impressed by the strength of their WiFi. 1:18pm

Jon sweet-talked his way out an arrest by blaming the "forklift/nose-severing incident" on Home Depot's notoriously slick floors. 3:08pm

Reader Comments
"Thank You" is a brilliant song and makes me cry. So does that Dido song. So do certain, old Beetle Bailey comic strips (srsly) -- like the one where Sarge makes Beetle into a human ice cream sundae.

Normally when you talk about Green Day I can tell that you really don't understand their sound. This time you are dead on though. This album came out during Green Day's first peak. It's very clear that they tried to put out a Green Day album.

Except for the bits of metal showing up every once in a while, these are Green Day songs. Unfortunately, while the Descendents have better technical ability, the song writing is inferior and Milo sucks (much like every pop-punk band singer outside of Green Day and Blink-182). I think your 6 is generous. I'd give it more like a 4-5 as if I want to listen to Green Day, I'll listen to Green Day.

Jim Hull
There’s nothing wrong with Raspberries!

Mark says: “Everything Sucks is better than All and Enjoy because those records were lyrically obnoxious, musically sloppy and vocally inferior. This record is none of those things. It may be their least adventurous and most traditionally 'pop-punk' album to date, but it sure is professional-sounding and easy on the ears.”

I say it’s a pretty focused Descendents record. Finally.

As for the Green Day comparisons—there’s no question that there are similarities, but Egerton and Stevenson had been working with DFW’s own Hagfish (who adore Descendents) on tunes from Hagfish’s Buick Men! (1993), which would essentially be rerecorded in Ft. Collins as Rocks Your Lame Ass! in 1995. Make of that what you will, but then put on Rocks Your Lame Ass!, and then this record, and you’ll see what I mean.

That said, side 2 falls off a cliff. I give it a mid-7. Most of the songs are pretty good.
I dunno if i'm the best person to comment on this album, what with the song quote email address, but I still really enjoy this album. I see your point about the sugary poo songs like 'I'm The One', but the guys playing the instruments are so good! Even in the Green Day style tunes. You wouldn't catch any of the other Epitaph bands playing weird guitar/drums/bass in their sugary poop songs. The rolling drums and guitar 'licks' are enough to distract me from the bad lyrics, and the songs are short. And stuff like 'Caught' and 'Doghouse' leave all the other so-called-punk bands from around that time in the dust! The melody lines etc sound really crazy and original (to me at least), enough to bump the score up a couple of red things anyway.

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Cool To Be You - Fat Wreck Chords 2004
Rating = 4

If you like Bad Religion and Green Day, you'll LOVE an album that sounds nothing at all like the Descendents!

14 songs in 37 minutes: 7 by Milo, 4 by Karl Alvarez, 3 by Bill Stevenson and not one stiff penny by guitarist Stephen Egerton. Plus, why is nobody collaborating? Remember the days of collaboration? If this were old Egyptian times, I assure you they'd be collaborating on a pyramid. If you tried to make your OWN pyramid, it'd take forever and be all wobbly. Same deal with sacrificing somebody to the Sun God.

You'll hear the first two songs and think, "How did Green Day sneak into the pressing plant and put two of their cheery bullshit 'pop-punk' songs onto this Descendents record?" Then you'll continue listening and be all like, "Why is Milo singing just like Greg Graffin and the band playing minor-key midtempo chord changes they stole off Bad Religion records?" Finally, you'll conclude, "This album stinks."

Although Cool To Be You is indeed the least melodically inventive and most stylistically derivative release in the band's entire discography, it also perversely features their most honest and heartbreaking lyrics ever. Now in their 40's, Milo, Karl and Bill have grown increasingly disillusioned with the paths that their lives and relationships have taken. Let's examine each songwriter's lyrical contributions separately, now that we've established that the riffs (aside from a couple of Bill's) are all pretty negligible.

Milo Aukerman - remember that he originally left the band to pursue a career in biochemistry, and these words take on depressing resonance:
-- "Why do I daydream? Why do I get my hopes up at all?....What's the use in dreaming when dreams never come true?"
-- "Somebody tell me what to do. I've wasted my last 15 years jumping through their hoops only to find nothing waiting for me but academic oblivion, my proud destiny."
-- "Goosebumps been gone for way too long/Couldn't get it for free, couldn't do it for the money/It just disappeared, spent a lot of barren years/And if it doesn't work out, you can just set it down for later/Nobody ever said you'd be dead forever"

Karl Alvarez - Apparently the failure of his marriage has made him cynical towards everything else in the world as well:
--"She made up her mind/I lost my wife, my lover, my best friend/And I don't think/I'll ever be right again"
--"It's no place for a mongrel mutt like me/Mating rights go to the best of breed/Just a lot of sad people caught in between desire and despair/I guess I'll see you there/At the lost and lonely/Dog and Pony Show"
-- "You got a loving family/To give you everything you need/My family loves each other so much/We live a thousand miles away and never stay in touch"
-- "Listen up man, I'll tell you who I am/I'm just another stupid American/But you don't want to listen, you don't want to understand/Just finish up your drink and go home"

Bill Stevenson - Still struggling to make a career in music while dealing with family issues
-- (to his daughter) "Come on baby, we gotta get our clothes on/There'll be no easy days 'cause I've got no degree/You'll see your brother in a week or three/Here's a picture of me, just don't let them see/'Cause they're not that fond of me"
-- (to his deceased father) "Spent the last years in denial of my grief/Because you hated me, anyone could see/I'll always wonder what I meant to you/And why you hated me, what I did to you"
-- (to his wife) "Money and time.../We didn't know they'd be so hard to come by/"Look and you'll find"?/We didn't know that's just some fabled school rhyme/We'll never get ahead in this world/Not 'til we move ahead of this/World we've made for ourselves/Where there's no time to kiss/And no room to even breathe"

If you're looking for cheer, get lost because aside from two light-hearted Milo songs -- gross diarrhea joke "Blast Off" and pro-brain high school anthem "Mass Nerder" (complete with Germs parody outro "We Must Read" and faux-Darby shout "Somebody get me a book!") -- this is a realist record by middle agers in crisis.

Unless it really is just a Green Day/Bad Religion split-single that somebody put in the wrong album cover. Don't blame me! I voted Dewey!

Reader Comments
Mark, you may complain about the chord changes on this album, but you gotta admit the musicianship is top notch.

Also, the lyrics are painfully real, and "Nothing With You" is absolutely adorable. How can you, a married man, not connect with that song? While I'm not giving it a 10 or anyting, "Cool To Be You" at least gets a 7. Its too good lyrically to be a 4. And it "sounds nothing at all like the Descendents!" (????) You reviewed "Everything Sucks," haven't you?

Also also (since this is the first time I've emailed you), you site is awesome! Its directly because of you that I've bought albums by, and listened to the Melvins, Electric Six, the Dead Kennedys, the Beastie Boys, the B-52's, the Pixies, the Breeders ("Last Splash" is great, btw), the NEW BOMB TURKS (Good LORD are they fantastic!!!), Motorhead, Superchunk, the Punkles, Bruce Springsteen, the Stooges, Bad Religion, Tom Waits, the Who, and the Bad Brains.

So thank you, for singlehandedly expanding my tastes. I first stumbled on your page searching for "Ramones Record Reviews" in the 10th grade (in 2003, I can't believe your page escaped my schools filters) and I've been coming back over and over again since.

A few noteables:

1) THANK YOU for realizing Weezer is nothing special. I thought I was the only one.

2) When are you gonna put a Supergrass page on your site? Sure, Blur and Oasis may be crap (I do like Oasis, even though I know I shouldn't) but Supergrass has produced one of the most insanely catchy and enjoyable albums with "I Should Coco" and the rest of their output has been good too, so I'd be remiss if I didn't point that album out to you (though you being you, you may have stumbled accross it). And where are the HIVES??? You put the Vines and the Strokes and GARBAGE on your page for gooness sake's where are the HIVES!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?! They're a good band, and I'd think you'd dig them.

But whatever. What I wanna say most of all is thanks for making most of my time in high school not suck, thanks for convincing me to buy up everything by the Ramones as well as a good portion of Melvins albums, and thanks for offering honest, correct opinions in direct contrast of all the lies and crap that the Rolling Stone and Spin publish.
I agree with your score, but disagree with your description. It doesn't sound like Green Day except for the intro of Tack. This is a Blink-182/Bowling for Soup/Bad Religion hybrid. You'd be better off listening to Blink-182 and Bad Religion - they are both better than this muck. Avoid Bowling for Soup though - nobody should have to listen to that.

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