cky

MTV's JaCKYass
*special introductory paragraph!
*Vol. 1
*Infiltrate Destroy Rebuild
*Vol. 2
*An Answer Can Be Found
*Carver City
*B-Sides & Rarities

Even if this were the worst band in Eastern Society (post-Scipio Africanus), I'd still give 'em a good review because of their connections to MTV's Jackass, which made physical pain seem like the coolest thing in the world! I missed the damn thing while it was on the air, but I rented the movie and instantly fell in platonic, non-gay love with Johnny Paycheck, the Dancing Fool, Mr. Dinky, H-Bomb and Bam Margera, professional skateboarder and brother of CKY drummer Jesse Margera. CKY is short for "Camp Kill Yourself" and their music is an awfully interesting type of heavy melodic music in which the guitar and bass play the same notes and seem to be overlaid with fuzzy moog noises such that all the chord changes sound like Emerson, Lake and Palmer-style all-electronic shifts in tone. It's a very odd sound and I like it a whole lot, even though I'm not exactly positive how it's done. Maybe it's just a weird guitar tone - who knows in life? All I know is that it's hella more interesting than all those New-Metal bands like Corn, Stained, Lincoln Park and Limp Biscuit.

Ooo! I came with a magical heck of an idea! As a special scientific experiment on the effects of alcoholic consumption, I am going to review their first album while completely sober and American, and the second one after indulging in four double-shots of whiskey in frighteningly rapid succession. So let's begin!


Vol. 1 - Island 2001
Rating = 8

Like a young skateboarding Boston for the '90s, CKY herein innovates a brand new guitar tone for a brand new millenium. Although not as pronounced and overused as it would be on the follow-up, this weird new sound definitely sets the fuCKYou band apart from similar '70s-influenced funky hard rock bands (like Clutch!). It pounds, soothes and confuses all at the same time. As for the songs themselves, there's quite an impressive variety of moods and styles on here. Going through the nine tracks in chronological order, you wind up encountering such diverse and topographic expressions of youth as herky-jerk Devoized hard rock, dark industrial pound metal, beautiful pop rock, decadent disco (with the "wicka-wicka" wah-wah pedal and everything!), Eastern mystical Iron Butterfly '60s bad vibery, guitar rock God Soundgarden grunge, a hilarious straightahead rocker about a guy who "caught (his) daughter giving head to (his) brother," a cleanly Hendrixed ballad, My Bloody Valentine rhythmless drone-pulse and many many many MORE!!!!! (assuming there are several more tracks after number 9 that I just haven't gotten to yet. Otherwise, that's it.)

As a bit more background, I should probably point out that CKY first made a name for themselves (even before MTV's Asshole) by releasing a series of skateboarding stunt types of the violent and funny variety. So there might be a misunderstanding out there in the wild that they are more of a jokey skate punk band. Such is not the case at all. This is a serious band playing serious - and smart! - non-punk music. The riffs are solid, the vocal melodies stick with you ("Disengage The Simulator" is such a pretty song!), the singer's got a really nice relaxing mood-voice and they constantly dick around with different production tricks and vocal effects, thus adding even more diversity for both you and the listener to enjoy. Not every single second of the album is classic (for example, disco-goth-rocker "The Human Drive In Hi-Fi" is as hook-lacking as the worst early Faith No More song you can name), but for their first time in the studio, these guys sure brought a lot of great ideas with them!

There we go. A perfectly sober and Christian review of the first CKY album. Let us now proceed to the second part of the experiment. Assistant, please bring me my alcoholic beverage. The next words you read will be the "happy-go-lucky" words of a jolly town drunk.

Reader Comments

bigbaddog88@msn.com (Robert Attaway)
This cd is actually a greatest hit album that way it's called vol. 1. The first cds are all eps which mean that the first album only had about four song on them. But, it's also a the cd that have all of their early song, so in a way this is their first cd. I confuse now, goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight cky.

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Infiltrate Destroy Rebuild - Island 2002
Rating = 7

A BIG PILE OF SHIT WITH A HAIR IN THE MIDDLE! GET YOUR FUCK FUCK OUT OF FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKINGTON FUCKERLY FUCKSALOT FUCKSOGRAPH FUCKABAG!

CKY are today's BOSTON. Their first album rules - their second album no it doesn't SUCK - it's just more of the same. They aren't advancing their cause - in fact, they're making it more repetitive. Nearly every song on here uses the same guitar tone and, quite frankly, it's pretty repetititit much more than MUCH MORE than the first album which was diversee... Three songs on here sound like track one, two sound like track two, eight sound like track one, four sound like track two, eight sound like track three, nine sound like thrack gobeles. I LOVE THEIR SOUND, but they repeat themselves too much on here. I LOVE THE SONG "FLESH INTO GEAR" - it was the first CKY song I heard - from the >i?FUCK YOU!>i? mvie. It's a really catchy heavy pop song. And I want a pizzza. but can i just order it? Let me tell you something. I used to love Pizza Uno, but ever since I switched to the vegetable pizza, it has seemed less good. I mean, I always GOT A vegetable pizza, but this one has onions and it's thin CRUST and it's just not as good. Plus I just drank four Jack Whiskeys of daniel and that's enough to ground a pilot who was in the Navy. Today the guy I work with, Jim I'll spell his last name wrong Marin was near me and I said, "Where's a bank?' becuase I don't care if there's a fee. ANd he said what bank do you use? I said USAA! And he said Oh! That's that veteran's one! We pitched their business a few years ago! I know! I know. But they never heard back. ANd I said to Jim, "Call them back and tell them I work here now! And they did a great job when our home was burglarized, not robbed! Honey, not borred.! Oh, I wrote "bored" I mean "robged." This album -= every song is too similar. Tha'ts all. It's htere. I have notes.

I like the vocals! Cool moody stuff too! They're big on 3everyone playing scene thing in progressive, I think? Lots of moog! Guess it progressive, FNM feel, songwriting starting to seem a little samey though! (just like BOSTON!). Moog makes it sound like Ween's The Mollusk, played skater-metal style. I love this band. f0rtheir personality and their neat guitar tone. And 7 of these 10 songs are great, but the other three are absolute carbon-based copies of the first three, FUCK TYOIU. FUCK YOU. That's better. This singer has such a great voice and great guitar sound. Is he a genius? At any rate, he's very talented. I can't wait to hear the third album - and that's a fact. You will love the shit out of this, but there's currently no reason to buy both albums. By the end of this, you might be thinking, "Okay, I get it. Dark songs with a new guitar tone and moog keyboard lines." Because not every single riff is strong as that for "Escape From Hellview," and too few songs are DEVIATIONS from the norm like "Close Yet Far" (which is a gorgeous ballad with acoustic guitar). WHY DID YOU LET HENRY LEE LUCAS SAY HE COMMITTED ALL THOSE MURDERS WHEN HE DIDN'T REALLY? AND IGNORE THAT THING I SAID IN A DIFFERENT REVIEW ABOUT GEORGE W. BUSH FREEING HIM! HE WAS WEIRD AND PROBABLY NOT MUCH OF A MURDERER! THAT MOVIE WAS GOOD THOUGH. SCARY AS SHIT WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE.

But first: I don't know if I love you anymore. Your world is full of corruption and evil people. All people. All run by evil, corrupt people. Stop them. If you recognize them but don't stop them, you're as guilty as they are. I only know what I read. I don't see any first-hand. And I LOOK, believe me. God this ballad is so pretty - why couldn't they have made their second album as diverse as their first? Fuckin' shit, "Plastic Plan" is a COMPLETE ripoff of "Flesh Into Gear"! And it just gets Clutch-esque formulaic after a while. Okay, here's my wife:

Hello, this is your lovely GOOD music critic now. I must demand that Mark change this review to state EXACTLY HOW FUCKING BAD THIS BAND IS. I mean, seriously boys -- do you have to turn your sucky vocals up so high in the mix? Do you have to be so audible and trite? I don't mind recycling hooks -- in fact, I approve it to maintain an emotional connection with the listener -- but to have bullshit lyrics all pumped up? That's fucking ridiculous!! "One day I'll try"??? This is like the soundtrack for a movie for 12-year olds in 1979. "We live within a plastic land"??? Fuck you. I need a little more depth; a little more creativity within your simile or metaphor or whatever the fuck it is. I'm tempted to turn this shit off right now since Mark is in the crapper. Oh, Thank God, the song ended. Hey, you guys: what do you think we should do? I make $13500000000 in Manhattan, but I want my dog to be able to run around on our property. So should I transfer to a less tough job in New Mexico for $85000 per year? If we move I plan on Mark not having a job. What do you think? I swear our apartment is worth a half a million right now and we can get a nice geodesic dome on 5 acres in exchange for it. By the way, do you think we should have kids? Because I always wished I was sterile, even before I knew what "sterile" meant. I hate kids; they're always right behind you on your business trip flight. But I was FUCKING CUTE as a young child!! And Mark would be such a good father. He would teach our young child to hate President Bush and how to play harmonics on the guitar and that Mommy usually earns all the fucking money that makes us Live. What do you think? I don't really give a shit if he's working or not. I really don't. But he would be such a great father.

Well, Mark is still in the bathroom so I'll continue. Here's an actual quote, "I am sporadic. You are sporadic." This shit fucking sucks. I admire anyone who can listen to this fucking CD without taking out the bread knife from the wooden block and slicing their wrists vertically. Hey; since this band sucks so much, let's talk about me!!! First of all, let me give a shout out to those readin' this. I love ya'll. You make my sweet husband happy. Even though you haven't all gathered together at the headquarters of Penguin books and rioted until Mark got a book deal -- I still love you. Wait wait, the motherfucker Mark restarted the CD. And my dog is walking down the stairs. OH! Mark just reminded me I'm writing a review. So therefore I must tell you: you have to be an idiot to listen to this bullshit, over-hyped, loud-mouthed, sucky-lyriced music. GOD TURN IT OFF BECAUSE I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE!!!!!!! AAAAAAARGH! Over and out.

Reader Comments

nblinko9@yahoo.com (Matthew)
Nice reviews - glad to see you're drinking heavily. Now you just need some Shane MacGowan reviews... If that was really your wife, cool! And Henry would probably like NM, even though it sucks.

dan@likeavagina.net
Mark, you have a beautiful wife. I say this without knowledge of her physical appearance, but based on her writing this and that GBH review way back when. But even if she was grossly obese, I feel from those two reviews that the strength of your wife's beautiful personality would carry through and make her beautiful. Not that your wife is actually grossly obese, for I have no idea.

I, for one, enjoy the recent trend of drunk-ass reviews. Keep up the drinking. Also, I would avoid having kids, because children mostly seem to form a great impediment on your ability to do anything unplanned, and, generally speaking, smell bad. Also, no matter how hard you try or how good a parent you are, it's pretty much impossible to avoid accidentally doing something that'll fuck your kids up. That's the problem with not having tribal sets of values anymore, but maybe I should've saved that for the Killing Joke reviews.

Yeah, so CKY -- never heard them. And I'm not really planning to, because I'm pretty sure I'd agree with your wife. We have already discussed her beauty.

P.S. -- Trying to get a book deal sucks. I have been for a while, and have a big pile o' rejection letters for my efforts. But I'm trying to sell fiction, and your music reviews should be more salable, especially since you already have an 'audience'. Try to work website hit figures into the cover letter, if you haven't already.

knowstev@med.umich.edu (Steven Knowlton)
DON'T HAVE KIDS

If you hate them now - if you don't melt in the face of their overwhelming cuteness - you will simply RESENT THE HELL out of them as you read "The Little Train That Could" for the ninth time in a row.

Enroll Mark in the Big Brothers program, so he can be a good Dad-type but still get drunk. Getting drunk is a very bad thing for parents to do. Ask any kid with parents who get drunk.

skaterdude_04@hotmail.com (Daniel Bickham)
Man I Just Luv cKy i'm listenin 2 them rite now!!!!!!!!!!!But do u no where i can get cky volume 2 cuz ive got i.d.r & Volume 1 but where eva i look i cant find volume 2 can u help??????????????????????

bigbaddog88@msn.com (Robert Attaway)
This is the first cky cd I got to listen too. It's was actually a mistake that I listen to it. Sometime mistakes are good, and this was to me. Cky is now my favorite band that I have ever heard. I write very incoherently, damn you a.d.d. damn you to....what was I talking about, never mind. I just like cky for their lyrics, I don't get them but I like them. Their different like you or me, or your wife. I been a fan for 3 years now I have 4 of the movies (you need to get CKY2K) and a poster, that really didn't make scenes to say, and I met a few people down here in Alabama that likes cky too. What to say to people who do not like CKY. I don't care, like what you want to like, I'm not stopping you. Peace dude. And don't drink so much, it kills brains cell and makes you write bad reviews for good band and good reviews for bad bands.

Cpamjm@aol.com
ha this is fuckin awesome..... n CkY IS THE SHIT!!

im stoned

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Vol. 2 - Self-Released 2001
Rating = 8

Although this CD was "released" prior to Infiltrate Dingleberry Rotation, I didn't receive a copy of it until about six months after I first posted this page. As you agree, I can't exactly stick this review between the two other ones where it belongs, because that would throw off the results of my legendary sober/drunk reviewing experiment. But alask, I'm sober again and ready to tell you a little something about this comedy double-CD currently available only through Amazon and CKYStore: The First Family by Vaughan Meader. You see, when Earl Doud and Bob Booker decided to do a parody of John Kennedy's first

One thing about CKY's official CDs that is slightly disappointing to me as a fan of uproarious laughable things and ideas is that they don't showcase the band's sense of humor at all. I can understand WHY they don't, definitely; nobody wants to be thought of as a joke band even if they ARE honestly funny guys. Who would you rather be associated with -- a cool bunch of skateboard punks or Bare Naked Ladies? And believe me -- by "Bare Naked Ladies," I don't mean the kind with Tits! (boobs) So CKY's actual music is serious. But their videos sure aren't! And I'm saying this as somebody who's never seen any of their videos!

Vol. 2 is hilarious. But it's also a good introduction to the band's *music* since it includes quite a few remixes and demos of songs from Vol. 1. As for the other material, disc one is apparently soundtrack material from the videos, but you don't have to know the videos to enjoy ridiculous nonsense like drunken freestyle raps (done in a Chinese voice, for no good reason at all), obscene grindgore Christmas carols, thrash covers of "Eye Of The Tiger" and "Foolin'" (with its chorus changed to "Jess Is A Faggot!") and perhaps most vivacious of all, the 9-second art de concrete piece "This Is Me Shitting." Disc two is about 74 minutes of prank phone calls by Jackass cast member Brandon Dicamillo, with whom I personally am completely unfamiliar. Was he in the movie at all? What did he do in the movie? I ask because I've never seen the TV show. TV is for the weak. I only see art films. Mostly I read literature by candlelight. Brandon is funny, definitely. But too many of these calls are just bad Jerky Boys ripoffs that rely almost completely on tiresome sex jokes. I'd honestly say that half of these calls are uproarious, genius comedy -- who the hell would call up a raspy, probably cancerous 90-year-old woman and start laughing as loud as he can at her "ass voice"? What kind of monster would pretend to be a doctor and excitedly scream at an old man that there was a medication mixup and he'd better get to a hospital immediately? And how stoned do you have to be to think it's funny to call a man named "John Rambo" and pretend that you're his colonel and there's some POWs back in 'Nam that you need his help retrieving? So you see - we all had a real good time. But 33 calls is far too many when half of them are just fake accents asking for suck jobs and jizz-covered donuts and stupid shit like that. And believe me, I'm not saying that blow jobs and jizz-covered donuts are stupid shit. I'm just saying that there's no point in making fun of them when so many average Americans enjoy them on an hourly basis.

So if you've got on your comedy shoes, think you might enjoy such moronic telephone exchanges as "Is this Herbert?" "Nope." "Whoa! You're really shootin' me down now, Herb!" and enjoy your rock and roll music full of odd chord change decisions, visit your local Amazon building with a twenty-dollar bill today!

Oh - and use the twenty-dollar bill to buy Vol. 2 by CKY.

Sorry, I thought that was kind of self-explanatory.

No no, I'm sure you WILL enjoy your new copy of Three Dog Nightmare: The Chuck Negron Story; it's just not really what I meant by the statement.

Reader Comments

junkit84@hotmail.com (Jimmy Rogers)
cky is the best band ever!! even if there was no jackass, i would still love the band!

arfonjones@orange.net
Fuck you, you fucking shit. CKY is the greatest band that ever was....i find it fucked up that you would make a website about the band, when it is obvious to me that you only like the MTV jackass shit. Stick to your Bam margera....fucking ass hole.

transplant@austarnet.com.au
look i agree with the first dood cky rock and even if they didnt have the movies and shit i would still like them your just a drunk loser that likes to watch jackass movies but yet doesnt know of brandon dicamillo strange.

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An Answer Can Be Found - Island 2005
Rating = 8

A very low 8, but this is certainly a more diverse record than Infiltrate Etc., with a tough metal song here, a legitimate BALLAD there, some funk metal yet further there, and so forth. Say! Who wants a pustule?

I've been on an Alaskan cruise for the past week and a half without access to a computer that doesn't cost 75 cents a minute, so please understand if I seem a little out of sorts. It's hard to remember how to write when you've done nothing but eat for 10 days straight. And snorkel. I SNORKELED IN ALASKA. I wore a big wet suit though, so don't worry about me. Also once your skin turns blue you can't feel anything anyway. For example, thousands and thousands of jellyfish enveloping your hindquarters. I also saw a baby moose.

Forget the skateboarding accoutrements; CKY is a classic rock band. Sure, they have the most idiosyncratic guitar tone in history, but so did Boston back in the day. And hidden beneath the vocal harmonies and tight speedy changes is the AOR melodic sensibility and songwriting style of a Foreigner or REO Speedwagon. Replace those fuzzy guitars and low strongman vocals with keyboard and a mullet, and voila! Instant Journey album! (and greatly reduced fan base!)

Their first CD recorded as a three-piece (they fired the bassist for being a sleazy, lazy, manipulative pothead), An Answer Can Be Found possesses all the punky energy of a 500-year-old elm tree, yet manages to keep one awake through the sheer neatness of that incredible guitar tone. Have you still not heard it? It sounds like a distorted synthesizer! The sound is so warm and all-encompassing, and the note changes so sudden and rigid (leaving behind neither a second of empty space nor a hint of the previous note) that it's well nigh impossible to imagine that it's somebody moving their fingers up and down a stringyass guitar. It sounds like a buzzy fuzzy wiggly-woo machine!

Returning to my original point, the CD (like those of so many other "Buy the Greatest Hits album and forget the rest" radio bands of the 70s/80s) basically sounds like a small batch of hit singles surrounded by similar but less hooky material. Granted, the very novelty of the guitar tone can't help but make every song on the album sound interchangeable unless you listen really closely, but this is the Decade Of The Ear according to the Chinese so it's time that we all work together to make this dream a reality. Note the moments when the bass only plays half the notes of a guitar lick, lending the all-powerful fuzz-covering an entertaining light/heavy dichotomy. And watch how perfectly the drummer's changes match his guitarist/singer's rhythmic ideas. This is not a dumb band! That one guy looks like dipshit with the long hair and everything, but they definitely know how to make a music all their own. Plus the rock world hasn't heard such interestingly dark yet obviously mainstream riffs since Foreigner's "Head Games" and Journey's "Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)." Not that it's minded, you understand, but let's not be mean-spirited here. As Kurt Cobain once sang, "Smells like mean spirit(edness)."

Lyrically, one can't help but read (most likely incorrect) "Frig you, our former bassist" sentiments into such tracks as those which follow my semi-colon hence --> :

"Suddenly Tragic": "Use the height of confidence to break the common ground/Beyond a bad experience, an answer can be found/Why put the gun to your head if you're already dead?/See me lashing at will even after the kill/Tragically, mistake you for a man."

"Deceit Is Striking Gold": "Speaking gibberish, the shrieking drivel almost making sense.... You've made mistakes, many repetitiously/As the truth unfolds, deceit is striking gold/A victim/He didn't defeat them/He's obligated, and terminated."

"As The Tables Turn": "As it all disappears.../Can't you see I'm sneering from ear to ear???.... Now it's dramatic to be your own disguise/When the butcher's hand is mine/There is no room to improve/There's no demand for the product of your next move/Fuel you were using to burn/Is charring you in return."

Also, there are songs that seem to be about suicide (or drug overdose?), anorexia, murdering those who would make others suffer for personal gain and psychoactive drugs gone wrong. And at the end is even a pretty ballad! A sad pretty ballad, but also a pretty sad ballad! Okay it's 5:30 on a Friday. I'm going home.

If you happen to be reading this while at work, pack up now and tell everybody that it's 5:30 on a Friday, and Mark Prindle says so. Also, you'll love this -- generally whenever my wife or I check the clock and it's 2:30, we'll say, "It's time to go to the dentist!" because of the old joke about 2:30 ("tooth hurty"). But boy I pulled a fast one out of my ass the other day. I asked the wife, "What time is it?" She checked her watch and then, driven to add a little shifty-loo to our general game, pointed at her tooth. Of course I knew what she meant but, being a hilarious man who can't be held back by such concepts as 'things not being funny at all,' I shouted, "It's Canine Time!" and made up a happy little song about how it's Canine Time and all the doggies are running around. It was great. The ship actually sank because of that joke. You didn't hear about it on the news though, because nobody gives a shit when 4000 slow worthless fat old bags drown in a Floating Death Casino.

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Carver City - Roadrunner 2009
Rating = 5

FuCKY suCKY duCKY truCKY! CluCKY fuCKY fuCKY SHIT ALBUM!

They use the same guitar tone as always, and when they switch chords quickly it sounds as awesome as always. Unfortunately, there are too many 'eh' passages to warrant listening to it over and twice tomorrow. It's all midtempo and it all sounds the same, with the over-serious vocals and the swoopy chords and kyeboards. Lots of harmony guitar playing, but if the original riff is weak, the harmony part won't be of much assistance. Plus, even the GOOD riffs (I'd say one per song) need time to grow on you because it all sounds the same.

There is no excitement here. It's just that same CKY guitar tone and vocal approach doing eleven different songs, none of which are particularly brilliant. Track five is a bit more "emo" than usual, and track two is nice and DARK, but otherwise hey here's CKY just playing a bunch of chords and singing in that same relaxed, dramatic tone as always. Don't look for hooks because they're few and Ben Vereen. One has creepy clean notes. One has slow ballady sweetness like an Aerosmith album. One has a vocoder. One sounds like Skid Row or something. One has a disco beat. I think my point here is that they DO attempt to mix up their sound a bit. Still, the unfortunate result is a bunch of DIVERSE songs that all have the exact same guitar tone and vocal style, and one good part.

I am never, ever going to find another job. Every week when I look at all the job sites, I'm astonished at how few (or NO) jobs are open for somebody of my experience. This is a cruel world for adults. If you're a child, enjoy it while you can. But stay away from child molesters, because they'll molest you. Granted, that can be pretty fun, but then they'll KILL you, which is much less fun, I'm told by corpses, ghosts and angels.

If you listen to a song enough times, you can train yourself to like it. But that doesn't mean it's actually any good. As such, I tried to separate the former effect from the actual experience of listening over and over to Carver City, which eventually led to this conclusion: they're a one-trick pony whose trick has gotten dull. All of these songs would've fit in perfectly on their last album, which would've fit perfectly on their album before that. They make no changes, and thus when their songs are less hooky, they're just DULL. Maybe that's why CKY remind me so much of Boston, Journey and Foreigner. Their songs don't sound genuine anymore. They just sound empty and out of ideas. Like an album full of b-sides.

Probably because they fired Vern like 10 years ago. Either that or because one guy writes all the songs. That's a problem, and if you don't believe me, try listening to It's Hard by Pete Townshend's The Hoo.

Doggies are so sweet. Also, life is neat and then death occurs to end it, but then you're born again as a chicken! A chicken told me this.

In conclusion, here's a joke:

What's the difference between a convenience store and a eucalyptus boat?

A eucalyptus boat is a word I made UP, and a convenience store is where you urinate in a CUP!

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B-Sides & Rarities Ė Distant Recordings/Mighty Loud 2011
Rating = 5

Why is this band so lazy? Five of these twelve songs are already on Volume 2! Thatís not rare! You can pick it up on Amazon right this second for a measly $72! Furthermore, come on Ė two versions each of ďRio BravoĒ and ďHalfway HouseĒ? So thatís nine songs right there, WASTED. Just another nail in the coffin for CKY. Right when you think theyíre back in the saddle, they fail to reinvent the wheel.

More importantly, whatís with all the goofy growling vocals? They sound dumber than a box of rocks! Itís as easy as 1-2-3 to sing like a normal person, but Iíll eat my hat if they bother to do so in more than one or two songs. Like a kid in a candy store, they choose instead to growl at the listener like a bull in a china shop. But hey, no skin off my nose! If they want to swim against the tide, welcome to the club, but youíll see me sing their praises when Hell freezes over.

Okay, a guy on Facebook just convinced me not to finish this review. I hope Iím not barking up the wrong tree by just blowing this Popsicle stand all willy-nilly, but I feel like Iím stuck between a rock and a hard place, so better safe than sorry. Hereís the lowdown -- keep your nose to the grindstone and your fingers crossed like thereís no tomorrow because, to the best of my knowledge, Iím not letting the cat out of the bag when I break the news to you that I wonít be wasting any more precious reviewing time on bullshit like live albums, CD-singles, remix discs, limited edition singles and, most of all, B-SIDES & RARITIES compilations.

Before the Internet age, my ownership of said discs was few and far between, but thanks to downloading, I now own everything but the kitchen sink! I donít mean to look a gift horse in the mouth, but does the world really care what I think about five more Emerson Lake & Palmer concert albums? Twelve more Doors double-live CDs? NINETEEN more Miles Davis records? Donít count your chickens before theyíre hatched, but itís all Greek to me! So instead, in an unexpected twist, Iíve decided to take the bull by the horns, give up my pipe dream of completism, and devote more time to NEW ARTIST PAGES! Whatís not to like? What goes around, comes around!

So Iíll just quickly finish this up by saying youíre off your rocker if you think you need a CKY b-sides and rarities compilation. These guys had their fifteen minutes of fame years ago Ė enough already! I wonít beat around the bush; itís time for them to eat humble pie, do their good deed for the day, and flush this CD down the hatch. Donít get all bent out of shape Ė I know they werenít trying to pull a snow job, but the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. B-sides & Rarities truly is the straw that broke the camelís back.

Also, if you mix up the letters in "shattered spine," you get "The terd's a penis." This gives me a fantastic idea for a new prosthesis.

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