Space Robots Of Love
*special introductory paragraph!
*The Visitation
*Alien Soundtracks
*Half Machine Lip Moves
*Red Exposure
*No Humans Allowed
*Blood On The Moon
*3rd From The Sun
*Live In Italy
*Chrome Box
*Into The Eyes Of The Zombie King
*The Lyon Concert
*Another World
*Dreaming In Sequence
*Live In Germany
*Alien Soundtracks II
*Mission of the Entranced
*Liquid Forest
*One Million Eyes
*The Clairaudient Syndrome
*Retro Transmission
*Third Seed From The Bud 10"
*Tidal Forces: No Humans Allowed, Part II
*Angel Of The Clouds
*Ghost Machine

Chrome is best known for launching the career of underground acid rock guitar god Helios Creed, but the band was actually founded by a fellow named Damon Edge. After one hohum Hawkwind-style album, teenaged Helios joined up and improved their spacey acid sound and image sixty-fold. This continued for several albums until Helios split for a solo career in the early 80s (you can find his solo stuff reviewed elsewhere on this site - it's AWESOME), leaving Damon to replace the whole band with an all-new SUPERChrome Mach III! This version had lots of catchy songs, but they lacked the wild phased-to-hell guitar antics of the Creedster. Then Damon died. Passed away, if you will. And guess what? HELIOS took back the Chrome name and recorded a few albums under that band moniker, as if to say "Fuck you, Dead Guy! I'll show the world that I was the heart and soul of this fuckin band, you fuck!" Actually it probably wasn't anywhere near that sinister. Maybe he did it as a tribute to Damon and the original Chrome sound. He at least brought back the Stench Brothers! That's right, folks! The Stench Brothers! Invite them over to shit in your sink! So Chrome went from Damon to Damon & Helios to Damon to Helios. Isn't that kooky and filled with the sort of hilarity that only a person who enjoys humor could find the ironic majesty within?

Reader Comments
Never thought 'Fuck you dead guy" once.

Thought Fabian made a good Yoko though

The Visitation - Siren 1977.
Rating = 7

In the beginning there was nothingness. Then Lord God lent a hand. The result was Chrome, a band led by Damon Edge and also featuring a collection of other human beings, each of which had an individual name of his own, perhaps even Bill. But this was 1977 and things weren't like what they are now (great). They were different. Punk had just begun and Chrome hadn't heard it. Not that they would have changed their sound had they heard it. So maybe I'm getting off topic.

The first Chrome album sounds to these ears (the ones I ripped off of Old Man McGillicudy's head and set next to the stereo) like a cross between Hawkwind and Santana. The songs have a semi-spacey sound, with wind sound effects and catchy distorted rhythm guitar riffs (like Hawkwind), but then the drums are all bongo-filled and pot smoke groovy and the lead guitarist solos all the way through every song (like Santana - and I don't mean Cynthia Santana from Fox 5 News! Ha ha! Little NYC joke for ya! Ha ha quite a bit!).

As for Damon's vocals, he sounds amateurish. Sometimes it's okay, especially when he just kind of shouts his words. But on occasion, he adopts this atrocious high falsetto thing that kind of sounds like the guy from Flipper trying to make fun of Geddy Lee or somesuch. It's bad! My overall opinion is pretty positive though, mainly because a good deal of the guitar and/or bass lines are about as catchy as such things can be (think early Blue Oyster Cult and, again, Hawkwind). A lot of people think that this record is filled with beans, but those people are filled with even more beans. It's not perfect and the flaws are pretty obvious even to the debut listener, but there are some great songs on here - "Raider"? Come on! You gotta like "Raider"!

As with their future records, the production on this sounds like it was recorded on the cheap (everything just sounds like it's mixed wrong - it's not so much lo-fi as just FAKE sounding. Like they didn't quite get the dramatic sound they were going for). Also, I for one have no interest in hearing a boring guitarist solo off the hook like this, bending notes and playing scales and basically not contributing much besides high-pitched dullness, but Helios would come in shortly to help change all dat.

Reader Comments
You know what? It's not Damon Edge singing on the Visitation. It's Mike Low, except for Return to Zanzibar, which is in fact Damon Edge singing.

But you're right, the vocals suck! (Pete Rocha)
Cynthia Santana: Can't stand that bitch. She's the one who has to make such a BIG ETHNIC PRODUCTION out of saying her own name, right? "For Fox 5 news, I'm CyNNNNNnnnthia SannNNNnnntannnNNnnnaaa!". She can blow it out her ass with a can of Coco Lopez.

By the way, every Chrome record deserves a 10, you fool. Well, not the ones after Helios left, of course. Love the site.

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Alien Soundtracks - Siren 1978.
Rating = 8

Helios Creed has joined the Damon Edge Experience, and this is an album that'll dick with ya just to watch ya shimmy! Try to grab ahold of this record and it'll spin you right round baby, right round like a.... well, not a record because there's no simile there. If a record spins you right round like a record, that's simply stating a fact, and kind of an obvious one if you want to know my honest opinion about matters such as these. Which reminds me of a hilarious joke I just made up: What's the difference between Madonna and Billy Joel?

Babies come out of Madonna, but babies come in Billy Joel's mouth!

The Santana sound is mostly gone (leaving just the sci-fi weirdness behind), but Helios still does way too much soloing if you ask me. Granted, he's just as likely to be making air raid siren noises and screwing with the pitch control knobs so it sounds like he's playing a billion miles an hour, but there are still some bland old solos in there. But that's about as close to "conventional" as you're going to find on this record. Songs will start, stop, start back up completely differently, then there will be a tape cut right into another riff at a completely different tempo - all in the same song! Plus there's samples, a violin (or what sounds like a violin anyway), a distorted to hell disco song, some weird industrial-noise-infested Krautrock type things, vocals about god knows what sung through god knows what effects pedals - and some great punky hard rockin' riffagge to! How the fuck did I completely misspell BOTH of the last two words in that sentence? Normally, I would simply hit "delete," correct them and go on with the review, but I am so disgusted with my fingers right now that I can't even look at them. I refuse to even acknowledge that they are a part of my body. What are these? Oh! They must be my dog's fingers! My dog is finishing up a review of the second Chrome album! Say! It looks like he likes the album! I'm not sure that I give any credence to his review, however, since all he did while it was playing was lie under the table chewing on a peanut butter coated rawhide. I don't think he paid any attention at all, the furry fuck. The fuckin furry fuck liar.

Hey, do you speak Braille?

You bet I do! Bump Bump Bumpity-Bump Bump Bumpity-Bumpity Bump Bump.

Reader Comments (Martin Mraz)
The reason why some of the songs on Alien Soundtracks sound the way they do is not because "Helios does way too much soloing" but because half the album was already recorded when Helios joined Chrome. So they recorded additional material, probably manipulated other stuff, and presto: Alien Soundtracks. So the material that is less abrasive and sounds more like a progression from The Visitation Santana-like sound is likely the pre-Helios material.

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Half Machine Lip Moves - Siren 1979.
Rating = 8

Kiss the old Chrome goodbye! Kiss the new Chrome hello! And all you sexy ladies out there, kiss my Chrome-plated pecker! It's beginning to look a lot like these guys actually create their MUSIC with "chrome"! The guitar tones that they wring out on this one sound really metallic, and I don't mean like Black Sabbath - I mean clangy, muffled and piercing, as if they're being played into a garbage can and recorded from back up above. Plus, the equally metallic-crunchy drums are mixed as loud as or LOUDER than every other element in the mix, giving the whole thing a wonderfully DANCEY feel that shouldn't really be there when the music is this abrasive-ish. Any remaining Santana/Krautrock feel has been decimated, replaced by angry 4/4 headcrushing rock beats in such classic "cyberpunk" tunes as "TV As Eyes" and "Abstract Nympho" (both of which were later covered by The Jesus Lizard as a single called "Chrome")! Not only all of that, but the endless predictable scale solos have been replaced by the modern-day Helios Creed style (i.e. nightmarish acid-drenched echoing descending note sequences across the bottom of the neck). So all this weirdo guitar rock action added to the same disorienting song structures of Alien Soundtracks (sudden backwards drums, lots of switches between parts that don't go together, gruffly nasal vocals) have helped to make this the best-loved Chrome album ever. I personally still wouldn't exactly call it a "deserted isle platter" though, no matter how awesome most of it is. Because there are a couple of seriously dumb, half-written throwaways near the end of the record that sound more like a bunch of robots making novelty music than the semi-threatening phase-blast that occupies the better half of the album.

Would you enjoy it if I posted a naked picture of me with a boner on my Web site? Because I could totally do that if you want me to. It's a few years old though, and my penis was a lot shorter back then.

Reader Comments
Didja' notice how AC/DC totally ripped off the main riff of "TV As Eyes" for "Girls Got Rhythm?"
99% of all garage and punk bands don't even come close to this. This album beats them all at their own game. I put this on after listening to my friends' typical ass punk music and it just fucked them up. Just a thrash fest of an album. It's got a psychotic, gritty feel. The guitar sounds like either a jet streaking across the sky or a buzzsaw. The drums are recorded perfectly. Almost a sloppy sound, but they groove like hell--extremely loud and rythmic. Like the title implies, it has an evil machine quality to it. There are enough tape effects to drive you mad. It's incredibly dense. I can't believe I've never heard of them until reading these reviews. To me this album is the one most bands don't have the balls or insanity to make.
everybody. stop your mind. stop your thoughts. THIS IS IT. those people who made this were not human. an alien god sent them to make us feel little. be grateful, this is the end of all pain, this is the beginning of FULFILLMENT
Try to find the Touch & Go comp with this and ALIEN SOUNDTRACKS on one disc. That's the essential Chrome in one convenient package.

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Red Exposure - Siren 1980.
Rating = 7

For some reason, I had been told that this was a more traditional music album. That's simply not true! Everything sounds like it was recorded in a metal tube with metal microphones, metal guitar cables and a big metal keyboard. And the mix is so murky and bizarre that basically EVERYTHING sounds like it's in the background!? Except perhaps the heartbeat tappa-tappa of the 4/4 drums. The selections range from slow to fast, but almost none of them are incredibly "melodic." Maybe one or two feature a more bouncy new wave-esque beat or keyboard note, but the mix is all so screwy (an interesting thing about Chrome is that they always seem to be focusing on the WRONG aspects of the song when mixing down) that there's not that much of a chance you're going to mistake it for Devo or that song that the disgusting fat woman sings about might liking you better if you slept together, as if there would be any room in her bed left for you, the useless tub of shit.

In short: This album was not bound to be a smash success at the box office. It's kind of a slipshod collection, to be honest, even by Chrome standards. The beats sound great but often there's so little else going on (or the guitar is about 15 billion miles back in the mix behind Damon's marble-mouthed treated vocals), it's really hard to get the songs stuck in your head. I mean, I like a good "phaser" noise as much as the next guy (me), but I hardly (davidson) think it's sufficient to build an entire song around.

Today I scored nine Rod Stewart albums and a VHS copy of The Car!!!!!! I would question whether life could get any better, but it's hard without limbs.

Reader Comments
The first James Bond movie I saw was Goldfinger and Sean Connery became Bond to me and all others were fakes.
Red Exposure was my first exposure to Chrome. Eyes on Mars became my favorite song and started expanding to the other albums.
Red Exposure forever remains the real Chrome to me and the rest fakes. I know that’s just a colored view of things but still my reality.
Funny how everyone has their own path of experience. Some start here some there. The vocals are what hooked me to chrome along with the sci-fiish sound.

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No Humans Allowed - Siren 1982.
Rating = 7

From what I'm told, this is a compilation of two EPs entitled Inworlds and Read Only Memory. There are only two actual songs on here though. Most of it is just noise with backward drums. Sucking sucking sucking. There's a catchy backward bass, but side two is all the same. Interesting sound effects and samples. Meant for people on bad acid trips. People who use LSD. The two songs are good though, and the ones that aren't songs have neat sound effects if you can deal with the same backward drumbeat for 20 minutes. If you're into UFOs, this is a good album for people into UFOs. Helios Creed saw a UFO once. Lots of speed manipulation. Not quite music. But interesting in its own way, I suppose. Kinda wish they'd done a bit more with the drums though. It's really samey.

Samey Hagar ruined Van Halen.

Reader Comments
Don't you think "informations " is a good track on "No humans allowed"?

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* Blood On The Moon - Siren 1981. *
Rating = 10

Something is gnawing at me NOT to give this album the 10, but I just love all the songs too much. I'll tell you why I'm being gnawed: unlike the first two Edge/Creed works, where the pot is boiling aflame and all sorts of unexpected space-age LSD-drenched nonsense infects your ears like the canine herpes sores currently adorning my puppy's lower lip, this album features nine SONGS. No backward drums, looped insane samples or 15-part tracks - hardly any experimentation at all, in fact - just nine extremely catchy, simplistic, high-energy hard distorted phased-to-hell spacepunk rock songs. The chord sequences are occasionally super-sick, Helios is all over his wavery nausea guitar effects and they oversaturate each track with layers of guitar and keyboard noise, but when you get right down to the nitty-gritty of the matter, it doesn't sound like nearly as much effort went into this as did into the last couple. And there appears to be a new rhythm section called the "Stench Brothers," but it still mostly sounds like a drum machine and really buried bass guitar to me!

So I feel a little awkward saying "it's better" than the last two records, because it's probably not anywhere near as "creative" or "chance-taking". What it IS (in my opinion, of course, this being an opinion site) is a lot more consistent than those. These are nine actual riff/melodies (and really cool ones) - there are no bizarre novelty tracks or "songs" made up of industrial noises, distorted drums and nothing else. By not "experimenting," they've also kind of set themselves up for instant success for anybody who loves that weird metallurgic guitar tone and simple uptempo punkish riffs with a sci-fi bendable.

Was that you that kept calling and not leaving a message today? That was annoying. How would you feel if I kept mailing you letters that didn't say anything? And what if I mailed them "collect"? So you had to pay for each one and it didn't say anything? Then maybe you'd know how it feels to hear the phone ringing off the hook, not pick it up because you don't really like anybody enough to talk to them, and then discover that the person didn't leave a message. Then maybe you'd know how much that hurts.

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3rd From The Sun - Siren 1982.
Rating = 8

An effort is here being made to create a more dynamic record than the last one, while keeping the focus on "songs" instead of confusion. With lots of great organic drum beats, breaks and partitions, as well as a collection of riffs based on actual NOTES (rather than buzzy chords and layered noise), the best stuff on here is amazing - especially the creepy "Armageddon" and crystalline pop/vomitous noise hybrid of the title track. Plus, the mix for some reason feels much fuller and less intensely screaming than the previous Helios/Damon collaborations. A couple of the allotted numbers don't hold fire all the way through, but this is still another winner from the Chrome Dome Sweet PoonTome.

Does anybody know anything at all about how these guys got along? Helios and Damon? I'm just curious because this was the last studio album Helios played on before splitting for a solo career. Does anybody know why he left? Somebody tell me! Come on!!!!

And another thing! Does anybody know Helios Creed's real name? It's not really Helios Creed, is it? Does it start with an "L"? Come on!!! Why are you doing this????

One other question: Did these guys use a lot of drugs? Come on!!! You were there! This is unreal how you're doing this!

And another thing: Do you remember a movie from the `70s called something like The Aliens Are Coming where they would take over peoples' bodies and they had to open this little book that light came shining out of to replenish their energy? Do you? What the FUCK???? Tell me!!!!!

Oh hang on.

Well I'll be hornswaggled! Apparently I'm in Microsoft Word, not Instant Messenger.

Wait wait wait - so all of my reviews are being SAVED somewhere????

Reader Comments (Tom Bagley)
The thing I can't figure out about this record is why Fabienne Shine is singing back-up vocals on "Off The Line"! Was she dating Damon and/or Helios? Her old band Shakin' Street was as far removed from the Chrome-end of the heavy metal camp as you can possibly get. Their second record was produced by Sandy "Chihuahua" Pearlman though, so ya never know...
I picked up a promo copy of this for $1.98 back when this came out. I had never heard of Chrome, but I liked the cover, so I bought it. (How could I go wrong for $1.98?) When I got it home, I put it on my turntable and started listening. Right off, I thought 'Firebomb' was pretty cool, if a little weird. Then 'Future Ghosts' started. I liked this even more. Then 'Armageddon' started, and my life changed. I think I listened to this song about ten times before I could make myself go on to the second side. I am sure I have permanently damaged my hearing listening to 'Armageddon' at extreme volume on headphones. (Extreme feedback at the volume of a jet engine can do that, you know). Anyway, this album quickly became one of my favorites, and continues to be so to this day. I played it for all my friends, and within a week, they all owned their very own copies. I still freak out people when I play it and tell them it came out in 1982. In my opinion, this album was about ten years ahead of its time. I hear so much influence from Chrome in so many bands, especially the industrial-metal genre. Although I later bought 'Red Exposure' and 'Blood on the Moon', and like them OK, they seem quite normal and unimpressive compared to '3rd From the Sun'. The only albums I have heard which come close to this one, quality-wise and stylistically, are 'Unloved and Weeded Out' by Candiru (1992 Relapse) and 'Evolve' by It Is I (1994 Dwell). Both bands owe HUGE debts to Chrome. Although my tastes have become much more extreme since my college days of 1982, '3rd From the Sun' holds a special place in my heart and continues to blow me away to this day. (Gavin DeCuir)
Apparently, Damon Edge was quite the acid-head. My brother's friend, who was a huge Chrome fan and managed to swindle my first Chrome Box from me when I was a teenager (I now have another and will kill anyone who comes near it), hung out with Damon Edge at some point in the late 80's. According to the story, Damon Edge was impressed with this guy's vinyl Chrome collection and offered to trade some LSD for it. Damon had hocked his own Chrome records at some point, but now had alot of drugs at his disposal. Our friend of course said "Umm . . . No".

How did Damon Edge and Helios Creed get along? Take a look at the credits on the Having a Wonderful Time With the Tripods Chrome compilation on Dossier. The phrase "featuring Damon Edge" is scrawled across every possible place and Helios Creed has been relegated to the 4th member credited or some such nonsense. I'd say this is evidence of some ill feelings, not to mention egomania.
How'd they get along?From what I understand,Helios was into playing live,Damon wasnt.H. could rock the place down,Damon was into his own stuff.The Chrome name was a legal issue until somebody died.(Hows that for friendship?).-Somthing wierd,I saw the Stench family name on a Jorma Kaukenen album!Anyone have any info on this?Makes sense in a geographical CA bay area sort of way.And a darkened hash pipe sort of way I spoze...

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Live In Italy - 1981.
Rating = 6

I'm told that Chrome didn't play very many live shows in the early days. But they must have done at least one show in Italy, because here it is! 21 minutes of it anyway. Problem beink that this was originally a bootleg recording - the songs ("Blood On The Moon," "Armageddon" and "Inner Vacume") are excellent, but the quality is almost unlistenable. Completely muffled monophonic moof, at one point so quiet that you can't even hear the band over a crowd of Italian MENSA members chanting some moronic drivel together.

That's the thing about everybody who wasn't born in the United States. Their languages are stupid and they're all really dumb. I'm lookin' at YOU, Stephen Hawking!!!!

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Chrome Box - Subterranean 1982.
Rating = 8

This monstrous six-LP collection of which I'm proud to be a proud owner contains Half Machine Lip Moves, Alien Soundtracks, No Humans Allowed, Blood On The Moon and two LPs of really long previously unreleased material. They're SONGS, mind you, but inexcusably long ones. Like Yes-length songs with four chords. Those albums are called Chronicles I and II. They are a great exclusive addition to this cool collection, but don't buy them on their own - you'll feel ripped off. And I don't mean your panties!

Unless you're an 11-year-old girl of course. In which case you'll feel your panties ripped off by Paula Poundstone, comedian and child molester. Or was it Rita Rudner? Well, whichever. A clam lapper is a carpet muncher, and they should all be locked up in prisons far away from decent society.

Where they can film awesome lesbo movies and send them to me.

Oh hell! Did I say "lesbo movies"? I of course meant "Sheriff Lobo movies."

Reader Comments
Actually, Mr. Mark, Chronicles I & II is extended versions of tracks from the last LP they recorded with Helios Creed: "Raining Milk." Get it. It's very nice and the songs are stretched beyond tolerance.

BTW, "Red Exposure" is my personal favorite Chrome album, so you find it, monkey boy! (Tom Bagley)
I believe there's a record called "Raining Milk" that was basically a drastically edited-down version of the Chronicles (both LP's squished down to fit on one).
My Chrome Box is the best music purchase I've made since Cigarettes & Carrot Juice by Camper Van Beethoven. Fabulous. Love it. Helios Creed is cool and completely out of his mind. This music is so strange I can't stop listening to it.
Be advised the 2008 Cleopatra Records release omits some tracks from the original albums.

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Into The Eyes Of The Zombie King - Dossier 1984.
Rating = 7

Helios is gone. But the goodness isn't! Damon moved to France and replaced his band with a bunch of Frenchmen, but the only thing French about the music is the kiss you'll give me when I play it for you! This is much less jarring than past Chromes - similar to Killing Joke's mid-period synth pop stuff, the Helios-less Chrome presented a smoother gothy dark synth pop vibe that even girls might very well enjoy. His new guitarist tries to fool the listener with his fuzzy wavering distorted phase guitar, but all he plays are notes. NOTES! Can you believe that? In today's society? Chrome needs chords - LOUD chords! And insane blasts of screaming noise! This is no Chrome indeed. But the melodies are still catchy, and how! Almost similar to that which Helios would have allowed to sneak by, but just presented in a much tamer, earthbound manner. The drums still sound awfully fake, but since the music does too, I guess that's appropriate! No longer sounding like "chrome," this version of the band is more like a pleasant plastic or sexy red vinyl. Be sure to warn yourself though: nobody but NOBODY likes these Chrome albums without Helios Creed on them. They sound like a totally different, much wimpier band. Maybe they should have changed their name to "The Pussies" or "FagLand, FagState" or "Billy Corgan."

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The Lyon Concert - Dossier 1985.
Rating = 6

Things took a dire turn for the smell on this release, which probably wasn't even recorded live judging from the repeating high-pitched screams between each song. And the fact that these are all new songs, I'm pretty sure. But I'm not going to complain about things like dishonesty and Jim Jones-style deceit. Why bother, father, when there are more pressing things to complain about such as an abundance of stupid "dark" new wave songs without a hint of melodic sense? The first three of these eight songs are an abomination. The Chrome name is turned into a joke with these awful Kajagoogoo want-to-be tracks. It picks up with the fourth song, though (thank God), and all of a sudden the bass lines get catchy, the distorted guitar gets really loud and noisy and even the old school Chrome NOISE makes an appearance or two! But you still have to sit through 12 minutes of garbage before you get to the good stuff. So don't blame me, Baked Potato.

Two other points of interest: Damon's voice sounds slowed down and idiotic on here for some reason (he sounds like somebody with Down's Syndrome!), and he's got female backup singers doing out-of-tune yalping instead of actual singing of any sort. HEY! I JUST HAD A REVEFUCKINLATION! The "LYON" Concert! Do you get it? The "Lyin'" Concert! He's admitting that it's not really a concert! It's a LYING concert! A MOTHERFUCKING COCKSUCKING DICKLICKING PRICKSTICKING DOUCHEBITING BUTTFIGHTING EARWIGGLING TITJIGGLING CHURCH SERMON ON SUNDAY. BE THERE EARLY - DON'T MISS THE BENEDICTION.

One good thing I haven't yet mentioned is that on these last two records, the drumbeats are still kept pretty fast.

Reader Comments
All tracks except "Frankenstein's Party" are new versions of older songs. I think it's a really good album. Actually it was recorded live (in Lyon!), but there's apparently "extra audience" added in the final mix".

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Another World - Dossier 1986.
Rating = 6

There is a place in our society for Chrome albums that do not feature Helios Creed. But that place is not in a Helios Creed fan's collection. He took the acid-drenched psychedelic noisetones with him to his excellent solo career. All that Damon was left with was a French girlfriend who, it seems, inspired him to create drum-machine-driven gothy synth pop for teenage girls. Not that any of them LIKED it, I imagine, but they at least could have. This isn't very far removed from Joy Division or, say, Seven Seconds-era Cure. His voice isn't quite low enough to pull off the sexy dark thing, but he's trying to sound as serious as he can. The guitar is mostly just playing background solos in a little wavery fuzzy tone quite similar to that I described in the last three reviews. And the synth bells? OH! My kingdom for the synth bells. They make you feel like you're ACTUALLY listening to a guy playing synth bells!

Once again, only half of the CD is any good - this time it's the first half, featuring such classics as "If You Come Around" (later not covered at all by Green Day), "I Found Out Today" (which clocks in at a staggeringly average 5:37) and "Our Good Dreams" (which sounds like it should be by Yes, perhaps with lyrics that don't make any sense). In the future, it would be best if Damon didn't write songs with titles like "Loving Lovely Lover."

Reader Comments
Loving Lovely Lover is one of the best songs Damon wrote. Lyrics on a unique harmonic background such as this can make you feel like "in a dream".

Jeno DJ
I concur w/ - Loving Lovely Lover is a beautiful dream of a song. My fav from this album.

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Eternity - Dossier 1986
Rating = 2

And herein begins the "Jesus, what happened to Damon Edge's brain!?" period of Chrome's discography. From here on out, it's nothing but lame-o chintzy repetitive goth/sci-fi homemade amateur hour humiliation garbage crap. Was he strung out on drugs? I don't know. But something sure went wrong!

Fans of corny sub-Hawkwind sci-fi crap will enjoy the nine-minute "Watch That Now"; afficionados of cold Pink Floyd keyboards and Can-funky rhythms wasted on boring one-chord garbage will get their jollies from the five-and-a-half-minute "Walking On The Sea"; and fellas who dig swishly fart-sounding synths going "FRAPP! FRAPP! FRAPP!" alongside tard vocals and dancey fake drums for five years will wet their whistle to the sixteen-minute title track. And believe you, it sure doesn't put the "tit" back in "title track"!!!! Because that'd be something good.

Did Los Angeles-born Thomas "Damon Edge" Wisse seriously have no inkling of how amateurish and stupid this material sounds? Helios-era Chrome sounded like a sci-fi-drenched acid nightmare; this stuff sounds like a man playing with a Casio keyboard after half his brain has been removed. Believe me, it will be an "ETERNITY" before I listen to t never mind.

Now here are a bunch of euphemisms I made up for the word "breast":

Silicone Valley
Minus The Mouse
Palindrome Enabler
Bowling Ball of Milk
Soleil Moon-Aye-yi-yi!
Sexy, Erotic Bag of Fat
Thing Babies Suck That's Not My Dick
House Of Shit, Preferably Composed Of Bricks
Human Head With A Nipple Where Its Face Is Supposed To Be

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Dreaming In Sequence - Dossier 1987.
Rating = 4

When I said that there was a place in society for these Damon-period Chrome albums, I didn't mean this one. This one should be locked in a gold vault plated with diamonds and sold to the highest bidder, because it is priceless.

No excuse me, the word is "worthless." The record starts off mega-promising, with a couple of tunes that follow the bop-pop Breakfast Club style sissy fake music with false drums, but with very pleasant clean guitar lines on top - sort of a Duran Duran meets The Fall, if you will. Except without the inevitable black eyes that would ensue. Unfortunately, the guitar pretty much goes away for all intensive purposes by track three, which is the spitting image of a song that's not any good. Not only all of THAT, but there are SLOW songs on here! And one that's like "romantic!" With a "romantic" fake string setting on the shitty synthesizer! So tell me this - knowing that you could buy either a Kajagoogoo album or an album that ASPIRES to the genius that was Kajagoogoo, which one would you choose?

Actually it's more like the Pet Shop Boys than Kajagoogoo, but without even that sardonic feel. It's just a boring, empty, emotionless, unoriginal, pointless feel. And he's continuing to use that weird low voice that sounds like a developmentally disabled American citizen!

While we're on the subject of America, I thought of a fantastic ad campaign for Coca-Cola to help them win back the hearts of the American people. Let me know what you think of this: "Coca-Cola: As Brown And Fizzy As An American Flag". And then you could show Coca-Cola being poured all over an American Flag, before it is lit on fire to symbolize that Coca-Cola is "hot" again! What do you think? Does Smark get the handy?

"Handy," of course, being the industry nickname for the Alfred Handelmeier Awards, awarded annually to the most imaginative advertising campaigns. It's similar to the Clio, except that a girl named Clio gives you a Handy.

And then she FUCKS ya!

Look, if it's subtlety you're after, you may have stumbled onto the wrong web site.

Add your thoughts?

Live In Germany - Dossier 1987.
Rating = 7

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that the reason this gets such a high grade is because Damon has chosen some of his best post-Helios songs to play "live." And it doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out that these "live" versions aren't a whole heck of a lot different than the studio versions, rendering this kind of an abridged "Greatest Lack Of Hits" for the least popular segment of the Chrome chronology. And it doesn't even take a person who got fired from Wendy's for rubbing pickles all over his ass to figure out that Damon is too inept to even put together a non-flawed set list out of all the fine Chrome material available. The dude has a really weird voice too. Don't know what's up with that. Must be all that time in Franceland.

When I visited Paris, I saw a woman in a window with her BOOBS all out! That's when I realized that Paris truly was the legendary City Of Jugs.

Add your thoughts?

Alien Soundtracks II - Dossier 1988
Rating = 2

Usually a sequel is better than the first one (eg. Exorcist II: The Heretic, AfterMASH, Electric Light Orchestra Part Two), but in this strange and unexpected instance, nothing could be closer to the falseness. To better illustrate this strange and deadly occurrence, I’ve created a masterful comparison chart:

Alien Soundtracks - Helios Creed makes air raid siren noises and screws with the pitch control knobs so it sounds like he's playing a billion miles an hour!

Alien Soundtracks II - Damon Edge bounces his sac up and down on a guitar and plays the tape backwards so it sounds like Jimi Hendrix.

Alien Soundtracks - Songs will start, stop, start back up completely differently, and then there will be a tape cut right into another riff at a completely different tempo - all in the same song!

Alien Soundtracks II - Songs will start, not change, drag on and on, and end exactly as they began five minutes earlier – all in the same song!

Alien Soundtracks - There’s samples, a violin (or what sounds like a violin anyway) and vocals about god knows what sung through god knows what effects pedals!

Alien Soundtracks II - There’s reverb and chintzy keyboards going “whoosh.”

Alien Soundtracks - Includes a distorted to hell disco song, some weird industrial-noise-infested Krautrock type things, and some great punky hard rockin' riffage too!

Alien Soundtracks II - “Ghost Town” sounds like wimpy late-period Hawkwind; “The Stars of Ours (Planet 14 Part 2)” is sixteen minutes of a drumbeat and a tape playing backwards; and “Under Three Moons” is so bad it would be funny if it weren’t also so long and repetitive.

Alien Soundtracks - I give it an 8! Way to go, Helios and Damon! Here’s hoping you guys stay together forever!

Alien Soundtracks II - Two of the songs are passable: the gothic “In The Far Corners of the Unknown” sounds like Samhain would’ve had Danzig liked girls; and the melodic “Planet” answers the age-old question, “What do you get when you cross early U2 with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome?” Still, that’s only about four decent minutes on the whole record.

In conclusion, here are a bunch of bawdy X-rated song parodies I just made up. Watch your back, “Weird Al” Yankovic!

Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday, dear (*insert name here*)
Happy birthday to (*insert penis here*)

Jesus loves me, yes I know
For the Bible tells me so
Little ones to him belong
So he makes them suck his dong
Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me
Up the ass

There’s a lady who’s sure
All that glitters is gold
And she’s buying a stairway
Covered in sperm.

Add your thoughts?

Mission of the Entranced - Dossier 1990
Rating = 3

With this album, Damon Edge really hit his stride, entering the '90s with a four-song album on which two of the songs are just tiny slowed-down reprises of the other two tracks, both of which are 15 minutes long with one part, and one of which has a loop of somebody saying "Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! WOW! UHHHH!" over the entire song. I'd never accuse anybody of being a drug addict, but come on.

Or as Will Arnett's timeless Arrested Development character George Oscar "Gob" Bluth II would put it, "Awwww, COME ON!!!"

This is chintzy-sounding, inept, poorly planned and retardedly sung music packed with $1 keyboard tones, programmed drums, thudding synth bass and -- way way way off in the background -- a bit of swishly phased guitar.

Or as David Cross's inimitable Arrested Development character Tobias Funke would put it, "This album catches me in a bit of a swishly phase."

I have to give propertations to Damon "The" Edge for the catchy pop bass line he conjured up for the title track, but after 15 minutes even this loses its flavor. Come on, Damon "Close To The" Edge, what were you thinking? Jesus, Damon "Graeme" Edge, get your ship in order.

In retrospect, you passed away several years before I wrote this.

Add your thoughts?

Liquid Forest - Dossier 1990
Rating = 3

Sparks will fly when Damon Edge came together to record an album with eight songs on it. I hope the world was ready once again to face this man's inimitable fake drums, dazzling octave-jumping synthesizer, passable guitarwork and uncompromisingly tone-deaf and rhythmless vocals. Can this world ever truly knew happiness if it doesn't felt Fabienne Shine go "HI-YI-YI-YI HI-YI-YI-YI HI-YI-YI-YI!" over a synthesizer playing one note at two different octaves in "Tibetian Nights"? Has my day ever truly begunned when society has yet to regaling Damon Edge going "CH-CH-COME!" over a synthesizer playing one note at two different octaves in "Look Away"? Will tomorrow cease its ever-forgotten todays when exposure itself to Damon Edge muttering "Let me have it" over a synthesizer playing one note at two different octaves in "Let Me Have It"? Will cars stop groaning their diesel lies after Fabienne Shine went "AAAAAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAA! AAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAA!" over a synthesizer playing a series of four notes at two different octaves in "As Rabbits Run"? And doesn't even get me STARTED about "We Can Be Together" with its unexpected presentation of a synthesizer playing a note at two different octaves. Something such as that unheard-of experiment will ever has brought time upon itself.

Incorrectly Verb Conjugating Steve

Words cannot express my disappointment upon learning that a full three of these eight songs do not feature a synthesizer playing a note at two different octaves. Why let us all down? Why make fandom pay back in negative dividends of pain and darkness? One time when I was in a card store with Kathy Feeney, I decided to steal a little Garfield pencil capper. It only retailed for 99 cents, but guilt consumed me. It ate away at the core of my conscience. Finally, perhaps a week later, I surreptitiously returned it to the store.

Other childhood sins included:

- Breaking Joe Feeney's window and lying about it
- Ding-dong ditching with Kathy Feeney on dozens of occasions
- Rolling Mark Springsteen's tree with Kathy Feeney in the middle of the day
- Laughing until I wet my pants every time Bryan Feeney made one of his infamous comedy tapes
- Secretly eating a bunch of candy bars that Joe Feeney was supposed to be selling for a fundraiser
- Repeatedly going to the grocery store with Kathy Feeney and saying things into unoccupied cashier microphones, thus broadcasting our ignorance all through the store
- Protesting the destruction of neighborhood woodland by throwing mudballs at a house under construction every night after the builders left. Shockingly, Kathy Feeney was involved
- Repeatedly taking a dump in the Feeneys' toilet and not flushing because I was afraid it would overflow. I compounded this sin by throwing all my used toilet paper into their trash can
- Having a picnic with Kathy Feeney -- on a neighbor's porch. This ended with (a) the confused neighbor coming out and saying, "It's okay; just don't spill the apple sauce!" and (b) me spilling the apple sauce
- Responding to Mark Springsteen mooning Kathy Feeney and myself by making a bunch of fake newspapers detailing the incident, then going around the neighborhood putting the papers into random mailboxes -- a felony, I'm told! I clearly recall naming one of the newspapers The News With A Golf Club

This CD is more musical than most of the other Damon-era Chrome CDs, boasting actual *melodies* performed on guitar, church organ and the ever-present octave-jumping synthesizer. Unfortunately, Damon still sounds like Alan Vega with a head injury and his songs mostly come across as a mixture of failed amateurish goth and over-serious sci-fi corniness. Why any Chrome fan would choose to listen to this Z-grade material when there's a whole world of wonderful Helios Creed CDs out there is beyond me.

Add your thoughts?

One Million Eyes - Dossier 1991.
Rating = 6

A n observation to consider: If you stick a bunch of samples into your poorly written, annoyingly produced songs, it doesn't make them any better.

HOWEVER, if you do a really neat 15-minute collection of weirdness - the oddest collection of strangeness that you've done since Helios left - that's GOOD! People like that in a mayor! And that's what the man has done with one of these three tracks. It's a very disorienting, psychocomical number that repeats and repeats and confuses all the while. Good stuff!

Do these reviews seem intelligent to you? Because I'm trying to make them sound very intelligent. Being seen as intelligent is very important to me.


Add your thoughts?

The Clairaudient Syndrome - Dossier 1994.
Rating = 4

Not to add insult to death, but what in God's name was Damon Edge thinking when he did THIS one? Okay, so he's given up on `80s synth pop. That's all well and good, what with the `80s being over and all the goth girls having grown up into fat lesbians. And the first four songs are fun and rock! Really odd mix with superloud drums and a muffled distorted guitar playing simple but catchyish midtempo punk riffs. But what is Damon doing? Shouting his words in the slurred, drunken manner of a zero intelligence punk rocker, falling completely out of rhythm with the music every few seconds. But that's not the worst part! The worst part by far is track 5. The title track. The FORTY-TWO AND A HALF MINUTE title track. Does it rock? Does it progress, grow and reel you in? NO! Most of it is a drumbeat, some swishy noises and Damon telling some inscrutable sci-fi story through different effects processors. It's a complete waste of an evening and the definitive ruining of what could have been an at least LISTENABLE final effort.

Or am I just missing the point? What the hell is it ABOUT? I tried to read the accompanying booklet but somehow the opening sentence, "He is employeed (sic) as a zoo keeper to watch over planets that have been inhabitabe (sic) by dying species of dying planets," didn't exactly make me want to, you know, not rip the dumbass story into a bunch of little pieces and shove them up my ass where they belong. So you tell me - what is it about? As The Clairaudient Syndrome was the top-selling CD of 1994, I expect several answers to arrive in my inbox shortly.

Oh! Here's a funny story. You like humor, right? Okay, so's I come home from work the other day (this was the day after my fiancee came home early and discovered that my puppy Henry had experienced massive direpoopies in our bathtub - her nose told her while she was still two floors away from our apartment!) and I'm all excited to see my little puppy. Now - let me stop here and explain something. If you've seen the "family portrait" on my site, then you probably think that my puppy is very small. This is not the case. That picture was taken when he was two months old and weighed about 15 pounds. He is now nine and a half months old and weighs about 60 pounds. I sent Rich Bunnell a more recent photo of him, but Rich refused to post it, because he is a tyrant who never lets me do anything I want. For example, did you know that this site was originally supposed to be a fantasy golf league? But Rich vetoed that at the last minute and now here I am reviewing "music." I mean, besides Billy Joel, I HATE music! This is torture for me! And you too! So anyway, my dog is big now. Not fat though. He's a good-looking long skinny hairy fellow. Kinda like my penis, but with less balls. So I'm all excited when I get home and I run up to him and get on the floor to hug him and pet him and tell him what a good boy he is, and he's all excited and he's waggin' and smilin' and runnin' up to say hello. And his head is down and I'm leaning over to kiss him on the head and WHAM! He got the idea to lift his head and give me a kiss at the exact same moment. He bashed into my chin really fuckin hard, which shoved my jaw closed immediately with such brute force that it was rather unfortunate that the left side of my tongue was in the way. Here's something interesting: Tongues bleed a lot! So I was spitting out blood and holding an icepack against my tongue for over a half an hour before my crimson lifeforce finally stopped flowing out (don't blame my doggie - it was an accident and he felt really bad about it). But now it's several days later and there's still this little flap of tongue dangling off of the side! And here's the funny part - the punchline if you will: IT REALLY REALLY REALLY HURTS!!!!!!



If this little tongue flap ever falls off, will you wrap it around your finger to show the world that you're my girl?

Reader Comments (David Fisher)
I LOVE DAMON EDGE, however, i have to agree with what you've written [but that's what i love about him!] , i think it's sad that everyone shits on his music, even the members of the new "chrome". but i can't stop laughing at what you said about him sounding retarded, he had a lot of character, clairaudient syndrome is a very strange and cool album, esp "monkey zoo". great site mark. don't kill yourself.

Spazz Adder
I don't know Mark, I don't think it's that bad a concept, the whole Sci-Fi thing, it's at least creative when you compare it to some Coroner, who with every record shifts from the grandiose concept of "killing this guy" to "killing *that* guy", to doing a cover of the Beatles "I Want to Hold Your Hand".

Anyway, just writing in to say I hope you get over your Billy Joel fetish because he is not the end-all and be-all to your cochlear experience. There are *plenty* of mediocre death metal bands to listen to as well! Just ask me, and I'll tell you this myself ..."Huh? Sorry I can't hear you, I have severe tinnitus!!"

Add your thoughts?

Retro Transmission - Cleopatra 1997.
Rating = 8

Damon Edge died of heart failure a broken man, so Helios very sympathetically decided to steal back the Chrome glory for himself, proving conclusively for no reason what everybody already knew anyway - that he was the more talented half of the combo. There is absolutely no reason why this shouldn't just be called a Helios Creed solo album. It's what a lesser critic might call a "sonic amalgam" (whatever the fuck that means) of the same dark acidfest rockers, strange quieter dramatic breaks (the eight-minute "Mithras" sounds like an Indian lullaby!), silly fuzzy fun-go-happies and atmospheric pieces that you'll find on any one of his solo records - the only difference, I guess, being that he hunted down the Stench Brothers to play on this one. It's really good! It's definitely more fully produced than any previous album with the name Chrome on it, and, though it doesn't really return to the braincrushing noise sound that won the band its fans back in the 70s and 80s, it at least TRIES to make you feel like you're on an lysergic voyage through the eerie depths of innerspace, as opposed to most of Damon's Chrome work, which just makes you feel like you're listening to an album that isn't very good. But again - please. This is a Helios Creed solo album. As great as any other Helios Creed solo album. Buy them all!

From me! For only $15 apiece!

Because a crappyass CDR with no cover is every bit as precious as the real article!

Especially if it's made by me! I'm a bigtime celebrity, you know! Perhaps you know me by my stage name - Bachman/Turner Overdrive?

Add your thoughts?

Third Seed From The Bud 10" - Man's Ruin 1996
Rating = 4

This actually came out before Retro Transmission but you don't expect me to rewrite that entire paragraph about Damon Edge dying a broken man and Helios stealing the name back and and all that do you come on I got shit to do it's not like I sit here twiddlin my dick while you're out there earning big money at the Pizza Uno no I'm here at the work office trying to figure out how to politely tell my client that his latest idea is the stupidest idea in the world that anybody has ever had ever and is he a fuckin feeb or what's the deal so don't think it's all peaches and ream for world-ignored online record reviewer Mark J. Pimpmobile because nothing of the sort is the case no sir I got shit to do if it's not one thing it's another.

Having "said" that, I'll now "politely" suggest that this "record" was "conceived" before Helios really had any "musical" ideas to bring back "to the 'Chrome' table." Don't get me "wrong"; I admit that "songs 'like' ""Old Time 'Fuck' N Roll"" have' great""" """""""titles"""""", but " " """" " "d""" """'"

Okay, I'm gonna sing you a song lyric; let me know what you think about it:

Jasper Johns was taking a crap
In the world of love, in the society of hate
When along came Dave, a cashier from The Gap
who said, "Hey Jasper Johns, that painting looks great."

Jasper said "Thanks, I created it with my anus"
And Dave said "I'm not homophobic, but that's pretty fag"
Jasper said "Up your nose, I'm gonna be famous"
And sold it to some moron under the title Flag.

Did you like it? How about that rich four-part harmony at the end of line 7? And the bit with the children's choir before he says 'that's pretty fag'? I hope you don't think it sounds too much like The Beatles.

My point is simple, just like my women: It's not ass-difficult (or even butt-hard) to write a halfway decent song. Helios Creed certainly knows this; he's written more great songs on his pinky finger than most men have written on their entire bodies. So why did he fail so slambastically here? These songs aren't good at all! Was he high on the dope? Smoking ice glue? Or was he just so intimidated by the prospect of calling himself 'Chrome' again that he turned into Damon Edge and became a terrible songwriter? Whatever the case, I must sadly declare Third Seed From The Bud "The absolute nadir of Helios Creed's thirty-years-and-counting musical career." So if you want to put that on a sticker for the reissue, that'd be great.

Actually, Dark Matter II's not too good either. Add that to the sticker.

These four tracks consist of whooshing noises, gated drums, synths, heavily effected guitars, spacey sci-fi pothead ambience, flange, phase, vocoder and goofy melodies. Helios may be a guitar axe KILLER, but on this sad windy day in 1996, he was churning out nothing but FILLER. Still, at least he didn't name his son 'MILLER Lyte' like Matthew McConaughey's brother did. Not that "Rooster" isn't a rocket scientist, because he literally is (a pipe supplier), but you see my point.

Because my zipper's open! AUGHGHGHHGW

Good old 'zipper's open' humor. See, that's how I know that my writing is improving ten-fold by the day. Indeed, the boreder and sicker I get of writing record reviews, the more literary and artistic my craft becomes. No sir, that's not the reeking stench of tedium you're smelling - that's my sizzling brainpan hard at work, putting words into crazy combinations never before thought of at! And all in the name of this brief collection of vacuum cleaner noise, electric flatulence, dopey psych-blues and amateur synth-goth.

In all fairness, it's not an awful EP; it just feels that way because Helios is usually so on-the-money with his space-acid riffing. I suppose it's interesting that the title track actually does change chords even though it's just a bunch of fuzzy noises. And as lopey-dopey as "Monkey Shines"' blues-rock riff is, I guess the chorus is kinda catchy (in a silly way). And as corny as the Cleopatra space-goth "See Ya" may be, I can't suppress a friendly giggle when he gets to the goofy 'scary' vocals in the middle. In other words, THE RECORD IS A COMPLETE FAILURE ON EVERY LEVEL but I give it a 4 anyway because it's fucken Helios Creed.

Besides, it's not like I actually spent any time or money hunting the thing down. Helios himself posted it online for all his MySpace friends to snag! Good old Helios Creed.

And his shitty, shitty 10".

Now let's talk about life. Don't get me wrong; music has its place (in the GARBAGE CAN!). But the real purpose of Mark Prindle's Record Reviews is to review the human rights records of the world's most troublesome dictators. Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe for example is a real piece of shit (because his mother was a real piece of ASS! Ooo-la-la! Somebody tell him that; let's get an international incident going). But seriously, how come none of you people have assassinated that guy yet? I'd do it but you know my tennis elbow. And what about King Mswati III of Swaziland? You're over there all the time looking at used DVDs - can't you stop him from spending his nation's entire healthcare budget on personal luxury items? Jesus, it's like I have the laziest readers in the world!

And this is why I'm going to say something that may sound a little strange coming from me, especially since you don't know me or really care what I have to say: THANK FUCKING CHRIST I LIVE IN AMERICA. I'm not saying it's the best country in the world (though it may be; I haven't spent enough time anywhere else to compare). But there are so many absolute torture-ridden hellholes in the world, led by ignorant greedy warlords who possess neither human compassion nor any intention of ever giving up power, that I almost feel guilty for calling George Bush a piece of human shit who should be scraped off the foot of the nation with a stick made of napalm.

And why? Because then Good Ol' Lefty Liberal Cheney will be in power! Providing jobs to pregnant black women! Rehabilitating crack addicts right in the Oval Office! Paying back our national debt and apologizing to Iraq for all the troubles caused by his predecessor! Yes, it'll be a New Day for America when 'Left-Leaning Dick' takes the world stage!

On another note, do you ever feel like your life is nothing but an endless series of chores you have to perform? I'm getting very tired of feeling this way. I should probably go back to my old cognitive therapist, but who has time for mental health in today's busy industrial age? We'll never beat the Japanese with that attitude.

(Japanese Suicide Rate for 2007: 33,093)

(Come on gang - we can beat them this year!!!)

Add your thoughts?

Tidal Forces: No Humans Allowed, Part II - Man's Ruin 1998
Rating = 7

Having not been amazed out the ass at the ORIGINAL No Humans Allowed, I was of course a little dismayed to see that Helios decided to record a sequel. And lo and behold, this one gets a low 7 just like that one. This is due to an overemphasis on weird noisescapes at the expense of actual SONGS. This one has 10 tracks and only like 3 or 4 of them are actual "songs" with melodies and lyrics and everything. I'll grant you that Helios is offering up a ton of neat noises (backward distorted sucking noises, spacey keys, robotic bleeps, etc), but unless you're REALLY into neat noises, it's hard to get as much joy from this record as you would if you were listening to any of his solo albums (which I wholeheartedly endorse, with the slight exception of Superior Catholic Finger, which is ALSO too non-song-centric). The actual "songs" on here are great though, from the jokey, silly "Bring 'Em Back" to the cyberpunk "Dragon Slayer" to the mean joe green epic dark rocker "Fudge Bunny."

There's definitely fun to be found here, within the piles of kookbutt guitar tones and swashbuckling electronix effex. But don't be disappointed or surprised when the album reaches its end and you feel like you've just spent 50 minutes listening to a 4-song EP.

I found out today that my company is about to lay off 65% of its staff. Please say a little prayer that I am somehow not among them even though my 12-person group only has like 3 accounts. I'm not exactly overconfident about my chances. FUCK YOU ALAN GREENSPAN YOU FUCK! YOU'RE THE ONE WHO DESERVES TO BE UNEMPLOYED AND HOMELESS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO AMERICA YOU STUPID WORTHLESS FUCKING IDIOT PIECE OF SHIT!!!!

You think I could take up a second career as a cusser?

Reader Comments

Your review section of Chrome stuff is amusing and thoughtful. If you haven't heard Red Exposure, then do, it's one of the truly essential Chrome LP's way up there with Half Machine.

I agree with most of your comments on the post-Helios Chrome. Although I think you are being way too kind to the stuff.

I made a painful decision back in the mid 80's to stop buying the new Chrome stuff as I could not bear to listen to any of it.

I've talked to many fans since then, and believe it or not, there are many post-Helios Chrome fans out there, that actually (now brace yourself) prefer the later "featuring Damon Edge" crap.

I've been urged since the 80's to keep giving this stuff a chance and listen to that one Damon-Chrome LP that I hadn't heard yet, surely that was the "good" one.

Since then I've filled in many of the gaps and still have not found that elusive worthwhile post-H Chrome LP. There are only a few that I haven't heard yet, is it possible that one of these are worth listening to?

great site though. (Rurik Leffanta)
"I've talked to many fans since then, and believe it or not, there are many post-Helios Chrome fans out there, that actually (now brace yourself) prefer the later "featuring Damon Edge" crap. "

it truly is crap, and at the same time, this is why damon edge's intellectual artifacts are spiritual artifact.. most humans don't see very far beyond the immediate universe, accept life all too readily w/o making the interpolations. as if life really made all that much sense..

you or someone said something about damon edge records sounding 'like a record that isn't very good' - the medium is the message. follow the universe of mass duplication and recreational recording monitoring to it's natural conclusion - a world full of toxic crap. damon was quite explicit.. the wind is talking. "wind.. still 100% all natural!"

trying to get a 'normal' person to hear a damon edge record is like attempting to point somethnig out to someone w/ no skin rolling in a pile of heroin.

create art, not for profit, for a decade. do not consume mass media during this time. or don't. at least that way you're 'cool.'

Add your thoughts?

Angel of the Clouds - Dossier 2002.
Rating = 6

The really annoying thing about dying is that you always leave unfinished work behind you. That's why the world ends up with crap like Milk And Honey and That George Harrison Album being shat out all over them: the songs weren't FINISHED!!!! Worst of all, Helios Creed isn't going to go door-to-door fixing up every corpse's leftover music half-recordings. I must have asked the guy fifty times, and every time he's responded with a dismissive "THE LSD IS BURNING OUT MY EYEBALLS!!!!!!!!!!!" So the most we have to hope for is this: A Chrome album begun by the late Damon Edge back when he was early, and finished much later recently by former Chrome sideman Helios Creed who left the band to Damon's devices when Edge moved to Paris in the mid-80s, only to steal the band name and use it as his own following the unfortunate and unbelievably depressing passage of Mr. Edge onto the spiritual realm where hopefully bitches don't FUCK YA.

This is actually one of THREE new CDs released by Helios Creed in 2002 -- two under the Chrome name and one under his own birth name of "Helios Creed," given to him by his natural parents "Kali Third Eye Blind" and "Erichthornius Matchbox Twenty." Seven of the tracks feature Damon, Helios, Tommy Cyborg, Nova Cain, Rodney Dangerous and Aleph (???!) and the other four are just plain the French-flavored Chrome that recorded all those prancy synth pop records after Helios left. The former seven have moments of sublime fright and coolness, filled with disconcerting synth modulation and disorienting spoken samples ("The Viewer" for example -- try listening to that when you're half-awake/half-asleep and you'll understand "aural terror" -- it happened to me and I just lay there thinking, "My God, this is fucking AMAZING." Even fully awake, it's still kinda scary!). That classic Helios guitar assault is only evident on a few of these songs -- as you may know, Damon was more of a keyboard fanatic -- but -- especially when you compare the Helios/Edge tracks to the straight Edge tracks -- you can tell that Helios adds an edge to the Edge -- I dig hyphens -- you can drag sentences on forever!!! -- Yeah!!! That's not to say that Damon is Mr. Happy Guy. No such thing! It's just that he's more of a depressed gotherizer like the later Damned or Joy Division or The Cure. And "Take It For Me One Time" out-throbs a plate full of Gristle!!! Industrial pounding for FOURTEEN MINUTES!!! Just POUNDING! (with the occasional keyboard) but mostly POUNDING!!!!

So watch your step mister! And visit if you can't find this in a store. I know I couldn't! And for a Helios Creed completist like myself, that's like sitting down in a comfy chair and then realizing that it's just a huge pile of dog doo and vomit!!!!

See? I put the "smile" back in "simile"!!!

Add your thoughts?

Ghost Machine - Dossier 2002.
Rating = 8

Helios Creed is Back in the Saddle again, and he's telling you to Walk This Way! This "Rocks"! It certainly wasn't a "Night In The Ruts" when they recorded this album! And if you think Helios Creed has "Toys in the Attic," then Mister, you better "Get Your Wings" and fly away on a "Permanent Vacation"!


Helios Creed is back with TWO new albums! One under the Helios Creed name and this one by himself with a band he's calling Chrome. And it's YET ANOTHER fantastic Helios Creed album! He's got the distortion on full max, zooming back and forth between dark psychotic rock riffs, Ministry-ish industrial metal, quieter introspective guitar beauty and Ramonesy punk riffage (all with psychedelic solos soaring off into space), marred only by a few unnecessarily long forays into sci-fi ambient non-music. Man, you just can't beat this guy for consistent fuzzed-and-phased guitar hero output -- NOBODY does Hawkwind like Helios Creed does: including Hawkwind!!! Even his song titles are evocative: "Black Plastic Bag," "Santa Will I Die," "The Magic Bong"..... if you don't own any Helios Creed, for god's sake, buy some. Whether it be a Chrome album he plays on or one of his fifty billion solo albums, you just can't go wrong. He is seriously like the ONLY sci-fi-driven rock musician in the world who doesn't come across as a Dungeons & Dragons loser all grown up and dorkin' all over the place. Because his sci-fi is a horrific acid-laced sci-fi where aliens are TERRIFYING MONSTERS and NOTHING is as it seems. And martians have these KICKASS effects processors!!!

This is also, by the way, the most blatantly Helios Creedy of the post-Damon Chrome albums. Lord knows why he bothered calling it by the band's name -- maybe "Chrome" records sell better than "Helios Creed" ones? Dunno, duncare. As Roger Waters put it on the worst album ever recorded by something other than a piece of poop resting on a microphone, "Dunroamin, Duncarin, Dunlivin."

But no matter how many awesome psych motorbike riffs he churns out on here, there's still no excusing the early-80s mope wave synth Depeche Modey Damon Edge imitation "The Wind." Unless he's making some hilarious commentary about how bad the Damon albums "blow." But lord knows he's too burnt out for a joke that complicated.

Did I ever tell you about the time a guy was interviewing Helios on my college radio station (I was standing next to Helios at the time), and the guy jokingly mentioned "XP-35," this nonsensical drug from outer space that Helios sings about on one of his early 90s albums? Helios suddenly got very serious and focused, asking the guy, "You have some? Really?" It was by far the most lucid statement he made all night. Whoever the hell told him about this magical drug from space must've been one hell of a salesman to pull one over on a guy who has taken LSD nearly every single day for 20 years!

Reader Comments
Helios - met him when he lived in a bus in the panhandle of Golden Gate park. A suckass friend tried out for drummer but was WAY too lame. A former bandmember of mine played on the LIVE Chrome reunion album/tour!!! Aaarrghh, how'd he become a member of Chrome after perving on the records together all those years in SF??

Helios gave me some stickers. I almost slept with one of his girlfriends. (Hi Anja!) The Stench Brothers used to play in Pearl Harbor and the Explosions (early SF punk/new wave band)

I saw Helios live on acid, and he is GOD. Much Heliosness is good for the soul. Helios was an acid surfer in hawaii before returning to civilization and joining (making) Chrome.

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Other Chrome-Related Sites

Click here to buy Chrome CDs. And click on the album covers to find cheaper used copies that you otherwise won't know are there.

* Check out this nifty Chrome site!

* When you're done, check out this Helios Creed site!

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