Slow Children At Play

Bribery Review #3

Slow Children At Play - Homemade 2000.
Rating = 4

If you send me $4 for one of my CDs, I'll review your band's CD or CDs. That's the bribery deal. Payola, if you will. I can't promise a positive review though - send Music Connection $4 if you want guaranteed good press. I will not be purchased!!!!!

Huh? Oh for sex with old men, sure, but I'm talking about my record reviews now.

Slow Children At Play is an emo-punkish rock band that specializes in sexually-oriented songs like "Milk Me I'm Ripe," "Penetration" and "Pink Taco." Although they'd probably kill me for saying this, they sound a lot like Dookie-era Green Day, using happy pop-punk riffs that everybody's heard a million times and topping them with snotty Orange County-style vocals straight from the school of that guy in Social Distortion. In other words, the singer uses the kind of faux-punk inflection that I make fun of in my shitty song "I Like To Smoke Joints" that at least one member of this band will soon hear because he sent me $4 for one of my CDs! Whee!

Thus, this CD.

I just really like starting paragraphs with the phrase "Thus, this CD." As if the entirety of human history has led to the creation of this particular disc. And I suppose it has. I just wish that the entirety of human history had provided the band with a few more compelling riffs like the metallic "Milk Me I'm Ripe," hardcore-aggro "Penetration" and ridiculously funky "I Wanna Be A Wanna-Be." But twas not to be. At least not this time around. The band certainly looks young in their photo though (definitely under 50), so don't count 'em out. Once that guitarist discovers a fourth chord and strays from "shiny happy" melodies a little further, they may very well make a record that I'll enjoy!

Let me re-stress something that is very key -- my reviews are not intended to be objective. I do NOT believe in objective reviews of ANYTHING because every reviewer brings his or her preferences, history and bias to the table. Is this a good emo-pop-punk CD? That is not a question that can be factually answered. You might love it. Personally I hated Dookie and I'm not fond of Mike Ness' vocal style, so this particular CD doesn't offer me much to sink my earteeth into. But there are thousands of pop-punk fans out there who might eat up this combination of happy, energetic riffs and goofy sick lyrics. It's certainly no less interesting than All or the more recent Buzzcocks material!

See, I have no qualms trashing a well-known band because hell who gives a shit? But when a really nice person sends me a CD that HE has put his time and creative energy into, I feel really bad giving it a low grade. However, I'm not gonna lie and pretend to love something that I don't. I feel that this CD's finest moments come when the band veers away from their preferred formula. But that's just me. And what do I know? I love The Guess Who, for Christ's crying sake out loud.

Now please excuse me while I feel really bad about myself for the rest of the evening.

Reader Comments
In repsonse to Der Prindle's review of our shitty band:

Yeah, Dookie era Green Day was a huge influence over most of the album. Those happy pop-punk riffs are just so dated now, aren't they? I totally agree wiith you, the album's finest moments are when we veer away from formulated popunk and into other styles, like the funk of "I Wanna Be a Wanna-Be" or the thrash of "Penetration". Oh, and I forgot to tell you, the lead singer is a devout Mormon who didn't want to sing those naughty lyrics we made up. We forced him to.

And you gotta give it up for the Christmas song. I seriously think it's a fine piece of music. I give it a 3, and I'm in the band!

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