The Cootch Crusaders

Too many bribes, not enough ears!

The Cootch Crusaders.
Rating = 7

You know, life can be long and you've got to be so strong. However, I knew that things were looking up when I checked my mailsickle and found to my pleasure and discontent a homemade CD by a homemade band called "The Cootch Crusaders." You see, The Cootch Crusaders understood that there is such a thing on Mark Prindle's Review Guide Of Albums entitled the "Bribery Review." This shit involves you sending me your homemade musical meanderings (no socks) plus $4 of hard-earned American green, and me responding by sending you one of my own Mark Prindle CDs and reviewing the fruits of your loom. This is how the world works. And if you don't like it, then please leave the world because your rotten, cynical attitude is putting a damper on the enjoyment of millions.

The Cootch Crusaders understand that the secret to attracting my attention is with interesting cover art. Boobs are good, as are pictures of boobs. The Cootch Crusaders, on the other hand, went the minimalist route - the HILARIOUS minimalist route. I realize that it's an old joke, but the joy of looking at the front of the CD and seeing, in big bold black letters:


well, it was quite simply too good to be false. This was clearly a combo after my own fart. And did things just get better from there? Yes! Because of what The Cootch Crusaders are. Their "schtick," what have you. Limited to bass guitar, drums and vocals, their "schtick" is that they are pretending to be a funk band, while at the same time making it abundantly clear that they think funk "culture" and "lingo" is a bunch of idiotic drivel. The bassist and drummer do their best to not screw up their lines, all of which are very simple and catchy and likely made up two minutes earlier. And the singer? Oh the singer. Well, it's hard to tell what age he is and obviously, since I've never met him, I don't know what his intentions really were, but he recites all the "leerics" (I'll get to that in a second) with the slow, methodical execution of somebody who really ISN'T "funky" and "bitchass" in their everyday life, but feels that the slow "hipster" talk of stoned hip black people is certainly something fun for young white guys to make fun of (and it is!). Why else does urban culture exist if not for non-urban people to point out how fucking stupid it is? P Diddy? Please.

And then there's the "leerics." They're offensive, stupid and horribly funny little tales of urban ridiculousness and sex that never happened. Sample titties: "Butts On The Dock" (he describes a bunch of butts on a boat, as if the butts in and of themselves were actual beings), "Pump In The Pooper" (a sexy young thing propositions him on the basketball court, so he sticks the basketball air pump up her ass and pumps away for a couple of hours), "Gettin' It On Halloween Style" (he goes around naked on Halloween, bragging that "I ain't wearin' NOTHIN'!" and wakes up the next morning on some guy's porch with a pumpkin on his penis), "Invasion Of The Gays" (they're all over the place, chasing him and trying to have sex with his ass) and, of course, the legendary "Raining Naked Women Day," a special day in which "it wasn't rainin' cats and dogs! It wasn't rainin' elephants! It wasn't even rainin' water!" Perhaps you can guess what it actually was raining, without me quoting any more of the "leerics."

There are only nine tracks and a few of them are fairly uneventful ("Teen Sex Party" and "The Brown Tuba" follow the same formula, but with much less interesting "leerics" and "mewsic"), but all in all, if you likes you some bitches, The Cootch Crusaders will tell YOU a thing or two, homes.

Boo-yaa! What up?

Reader Comments
The Cootch Crusaders bring only one thought to mind: how badly the lead singer conveys his sexually fantasies/nightmares to a reality. Not only does he speak about some form of heterosexual sex in nearly every song (being the fantasies), but he even delves into his nightmares, being in the form of "Invasion of the Gays".

But besides that, I LOVE THE CD! It's quite refreshing to hear something so beautiful, so simple, and so funny at the same moment. When I first listened to the cd I couldn't stop laughing. The use of the word 'buttage' (is that even a word??? maybe, but I don't think so!) just tops the first song, "Butts on the Dock". It keeps the hilarity with "Pump in the Pooper" by using an air pump in a way I've never even seen on those dirty websites all over the net. "Gettin' it on Halloween Style" definately has to be my favorite, though not as creative as the others. The fourth song is another great, using his green polo shirt he got from working at Waldameer(a local amusement park) to pick up chicks. I especially like the impersonations of the ladies. From there it dwindles, sadly.

My favorite line? Good question. It's from "Gettin' it on Halloween Style"...."Trick or treat, smell my feet, LET'S DO IT ON THE PORCH!" He says the first two phrases of the Halloween prank quietly and with time in between. But right when feet is finished he raises his voice and quickly yells the final phrase. It accompanies my first paragraph of criticism so well, showing a sexually deprived child wanting to have sex so badly that he gets psyched whenever speaking of it.

But I'm not one to talk, as I am also one of the sexually deprived males. I'm just here to say The Cootch Crusaders is a great band, even though they put everything together in no time!

BTW! I AM NOT a member of the band or do I get paid to promote the record (even though nobody can buy it anywhere because a limited edition of 50 copies were made, maybe 51 with the one Mark recieved). I just have no life and think the people who made this music are off-beat, which is cool.

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